Christian BPD

[Guest guest]

My mother has BPD. AND she is a Christian. She raised us to know Jesus...

which has been a great blessing for me because I learned about love and grace in

the midst of her weirdness (which became very extreme- even cultic and

abusive... quoting scripture as punishment and so on). I grew up internally

knowing that God loved me- and by His grace- learned that HE is not HER. Nor is

HE (God) much like her. His love is unconditional. When I would hide away (in

the cornfield, barns, room, etc.) I would pray... and it was a safe place- a

refuge. Now, I am an adult and I have been blessed with an amazing husband- an

advocate- and his healthy family.. and a wonderful mother-in-law (thank you,

Lord!). I am healing... slowly.

Does anyone have some advice for me? My mother is unhealthy. I have been

through counseling, I have RAGED at her in my dreams (because I was never

allowed face-to-face), I have grieved the loss of a mother, I have hated her and

wished her dead, I have forgiven her and then revoked the forgiveness... I know

it's a process.

I really thought we were reconciled for a few years- but know I realized it was

just a really LONG sane period for her... it felt great to feel that she was

healing and changing... but then my husband received a new job in a new state

and I had to tell her that we were moving. Of course, this was rejection and

abandonment for her which set her spiraling.. cold shoulder, passive rage

through letters and accusations, absense at her grandson's bday party and piano

recitals, weirdness... just weirdness.

It broke my heart all over again. So now I'm at a place where I really just

want her out of my life. I don't want to feel this grief forever. I don't want

to be the eternal victim. I don't want to have each contact with her be like an

open wound. I want to move on and live my life- as a whole person. Kind of

like Ruth (in the book of Ruth)... she left her " family " and followed her

mother-in-law. She gave up her homeland and pursued health and wellness. And

she was fine and good.

Any thoughts on this? I realize that I was raised with endless shame and

guilt... so of course, I feel guilty. I just don't want her in my life anymore.