KOs and Eating Disorders

[Guest guest]

Hey!

I've seen a few posts about bingeing lately, and I was wondering if KOs had

experiences with EDs. If so, was your ED learned from you BPD? Influenced by

your BPD? Etc... or are they related at all?

Are/were you in recovery? Did you ever go through treatment?

If you'd like to hear my very, very long explanation, read on... I'm sorry it's

so long, I couldn't figure out how to condense the situation, since the ED is a

whole big issue, and being tangled up with Nada is a whole big issue, and the

two of them together are a littel overwhelming and incomprehensible.

I'm asking because I'm struggling with an ED. I had EDNOS in highschool (a mix

of restricting, over-exercising, and purging), and I relapsed this year (4 years

later). I entered a treatment center for it. I finished about a month ago and in

that month, I've found a place to live, found a full-time summer job, started

moving, finished my 2nd year of college, got approval to graduate early, went NC

with Nada, applied for financial aid, and got in touch with estranged family

members. Things in my life have gotten better; NC was a real turning point.

Eating got worse for a while because of the anxiety I had around NC and the

guilt that went with it. Now, eating is physically easier, but I have no

motivation to do it. I've set up a good environment for recovery, but I don't

know how to start up again. When eating got bad during the early part of NC...

it got BAD. Things have been getting a LOT better and easier, but they're still

nowhere near what they were when I first left treatment or where normal eating

would be.

My nutritionist gave me an ultimatum at our last appointment: if I can't eat 3x

a day for the next week then I need to be reassessed by the eating disorder

clinic otherwise she won't see me anymore. I've also noticed that the

non-behavior aspects of my ED are back with full force... I wouldn't have

noticed unless my nutritionist asked me if I needed to be reassessed, but

gosh-darn-it. This is where my Nada's voice chimes in. She distrusted the mental

health industry, so I worry that they're being manipulative and other things she

used to accuse them of. My Nada always ate unhealthily and was always on diets,

so I just think that skipping meals more often than not is totally normal. She

was always pushing me to lose weight, and I'm still in the upper range of my

" healthy weight " spectrum, so I have a LOT I can/should lose.

This is a part of my life where I wish I had a home to go to where a parent

would understand that I'm still " sick " and need someone to help me remember to

eat (as simple as " what did you have for breakfast? " or " I'll make dinner if you

do the dishes " ). I *have* been setting up a better support network and

mini-family, but it's hard to know how much support I can reasonably ask for

because I never had the opportunity to develop those skills. I grew up with

*just* my Nada and we moved around so much that people never stayed in our lives

for very long. She provided financially, but aside from that she took took took

and asked for unreasonable things, and I was expected to give give give and risk

rages if I asked for support (or she'd just turn it into something about her).

I've been working to extract myself from the enmeshment Nada and I had going on,

and I can recognize the distinct ED voices (because who in their right mind

*wants* to exercise until they're dizzy on a very empty stomach), so I'm

learning to distinguish myself from the ED and from Nada. I guess, I'm still

learning how to take care of myself for the sake of taking care of myself. I

don't trust the part of me that says " it's ok to take care of yourself " because

there used to be consequences for taking care of myself back when I was taking

care of Nada.

I'm struggling a lot, and my nutritionist will probably ask me to be reassessed,

and the non-Nada/non-ED part of me thinks that if the clinic were to recommend

treatment, that might be a good thing. If I turned off the Nada voice and the ED

voice, I would be able to get a LOT out of treatment. My first time around, I

was hindered by trying to hide it from Nada and by the stress of navigating a

relationship with her and by a seeming complete lack of agency (financial

dependence). On the other hand, I'm afraid of admitting defeat (also, this time

around I would have to deal with the ED head on since I'm not trying to deal

with Nada in the way I used to).

So yeah... It's probably TMI--that's why I put the disclaimer in--but

regardless, I'm terribly sorry if I've made anyone uncomfortable. I'd love to

hear ANYTHING: advice, stories, thoughts, anything!

-Frances