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- I'm so sorry to hear that you're losing a loved family member, no matter

what the history is. I went through my FIL's funeral last summer, with the

involvement of a horrible set of in-laws who carry chaos with them - so I know

what you mean about wanting to be there to participate, but dreading the

performance that will surely come. So I'd suggest this: make a game plan.

You'll have two or three days' notice before you have to attend the funeral. Do

you have a sibling, aunt, cousin, or good friend who can " have your back " at

this event? Pair up with somebody who knows you well, understands your attitude

toward your mom, and will stay with you the whole time. During the service

itself, sit somewhere other than with Nada on the family pew. Then afterward,

at the interment or reception (if you have one), this person will help to ward

off the " secret assaults " that Nada might make on you if you were standing

alone. When Nada approaches, the two of you move through the room to talk with

other relatives. You engage in conversation - catching up, or telling stories

about your grandmother - and when Nada heads your way, you either move to

another group, or use the power of numbers to insulate yourself from her

onslaught. If she really starts throwing a hissy, or aims loud comments at you,

you just leave. Remove yourself from the situation immediately - no excuses, no

apologies, nothing. " I see Mom's upset. I'm going home. It was so good to see

you, Uncle Fred! "

>

> 15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an amazing

pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no hope.

Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to survive

any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have enough

functional bowel left to support life anyway.

>

> The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going

on, a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up

for spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma

would talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and

then when we got home, did it again.

>

> Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada

was mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with

a friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

>

> Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way

to tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair

off when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it

was insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and

his first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going

all over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

>

> Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will

be family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I

will have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her

cringe-tragic face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there

uncomfortable; or if she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and

then it will be expected that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't

want to. I REALLY don't want to.

>

> OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I

don't show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

>

> I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be

the last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt

pretty good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was

a great grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I

know that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way

they raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people

I could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

>

> I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do

tomorrow? I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same

with the funeral. What do I do?

>

> Advice? Help?

>

> thanks.

>

> --.

>

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Hi ,

I am also sorry to hear of your grandmother and I can see the terrible dilemma

you face.

I hate these things when you need to have your natural grief and saying goodbye

to someone and then you have to deal with your nada making it, yet again, all

about *her*.

I know how hard that is; and I'm not really sure any answers, though I think you

have gotten some good ones. I just wanted to offer you my sorrow for your

situation and the impending loss of your grandmother...

~patricia

My grandmother is dying

15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an amazing

pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no hope.

Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to survive

any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have enough

functional bowel left to support life anyway.

The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going

on, a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up

for spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma

would talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and

then when we got home, did it again.

Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada

was mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with

a friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way

to tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair

off when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it

was insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and

his first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going

all over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will

be family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I

will have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her

cringe-tragic face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there

uncomfortable; or if she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and

then it will be expected that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't

want to. I REALLY don't want to.

OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I

don't show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be

the last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt

pretty good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was

a great grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I

know that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way

they raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people

I could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do

tomorrow? I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same

with the funeral. What do I do?

Advice? Help?

thanks.

--.

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>

> - I'm so sorry to hear that you're losing a loved family member, no

matter what the history is. I went through my FIL's funeral last summer, with

the involvement of a horrible set of in-laws who carry chaos with them - so I

know what you mean about wanting to be there to participate, but dreading the

performance that will surely come. So I'd suggest this: make a game plan.

You'll have two or three days' notice before you have to attend the funeral. Do

you have a sibling, aunt, cousin, or good friend who can " have your back " at

this event? Pair up with somebody who knows you well, understands your attitude

toward your mom, and will stay with you the whole time. During the service

itself, sit somewhere other than with Nada on the family pew...

Hmm. This is indeed a thought. I'm sure my hubby would totally help me out.

She wouldn't dare say anything to me with him there anyway. You can just tell

by his demeanor that DH won't put up with crap. Won't stop her from grabbing my

brother or someone else and doing her whole

tragic-eyes-look-what-she's-doing-to-poor-poor-me garbage, though. I guess

there isn't anything anybody can do about that, other than not showing up. But

would it be worth it?

How anybody can act the way I've just written and have NO CLUE why people are

upset is just...stop me. She's mentally ill!!

Anyway, I just got the news that my grandmother has made a totally miraculous

turnaround. The doctors that were telling us yesterday that there was

absolutely no hope are now starting her on a liquid diet and reporting that her

blood work looks fabulous. Not bad for an 87 year old lady!

--.

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i think you did what you could today, no need to subject yourself to nada

tomorrow.. just my opinion.. but that is what i would do.. remember your

grandmother as she was and let the funeral go.. best wishes, ann

Subject: My grandmother is dying

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 8:47 PM

 

15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an

amazing pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no

hope. Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to

survive any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have

enough functional bowel left to support life anyway.

The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going on,

a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up for

spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma would

talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and

bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and then when

we got home, did it again.

Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada was

mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with a

friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way to

tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair off

when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it was

insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and his

first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going all

over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will be

family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I will

have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her cringe-tragic

face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there uncomfortable; or if

she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and then it will be expected

that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't want to. I REALLY don't

want to.

OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I don't

show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be the

last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt pretty

good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was a great

grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I know

that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way they

raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people I

could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do tomorrow?

I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same with the

funeral. What do I do?

Advice? Help?

thanks.

--.

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One thing I know for sure is your grandmother will respect your decision and she

will know and appreciate everything that is in your heart. Funerals are for the

living I think. My grandmother came to me in a dream and gave me a quick hug, I

think to let me know she loved me and was glad I was there for her at the end.

Nothing anyone says (and believe me some things were said) mattered to me as

much as that. It let me know that no matter what my grandmother knew the truth

about what I had done to help her, no matter the crazy drama in my family. I

miss her so much, I think she is probably the only truly sane member of our

family.

>

> 15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an amazing

pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no hope.

Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to survive

any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have enough

functional bowel left to support life anyway.

>

> The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going

on, a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up

for spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma

would talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and

then when we got home, did it again.

>

> Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada

was mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with

a friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

>

> Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way

to tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair

off when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it

was insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and

his first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going

all over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

>

> Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will

be family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I

will have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her

cringe-tragic face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there

uncomfortable; or if she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and

then it will be expected that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't

want to. I REALLY don't want to.

>

> OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I

don't show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

>

> I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be

the last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt

pretty good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was

a great grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I

know that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way

they raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people

I could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

>

> I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do

tomorrow? I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same

with the funeral. What do I do?

>

> Advice? Help?

>

> thanks.

>

> --.

>

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Thanks everybody.

Sad to say the improvement was a false alarm. The intestine is still really

dead, and they can't do anymore. I guess she perked up in the hospital because

of the painkillers and the IV fluids.

They are sending her home to die. They think she has maybe a week left.

--.

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I am truly sorry you are going through such a hard time. I believe that

whatever you decide about attending the funeral will be the right choice. I

hope fear of interacting with your mom would not prevent you from participating

if that is what you truly want to do, and also that you would not feel guilty if

you decide not to go. I think you are right either way.

If you choose to go, others have made good suggestions about finding an ally

there. You can also just be prepared just to say, " Mom, I'm not going to do

this today, " if she sets in on you, and just walk away. I agree that you can

sit apart from her or find someone else to visit with whenever you want to.

When my dad's brother passed away a few years ago, I stayed with my sister and

cousin the whole time, and I drove my own car to the cemetery, which saved me

the pain of being stuck in a limo with my mom.

If you decide not to go, a phone call or a note to your aunts/uncles/cousins

could convey your condolences. You don't even have to make an excuse, just say,

" I'm so sorry to have missed the funeral. She was special, and I missed saying

goodbye with you, " etc.

You don't need to worry what they will think if you're not there.

I am happy to have encountered you during my visit back to the board this

weekend. I think you are talented and seem to be doing well on your journey.

KT

>

> 15 years ago she was really sick with cancer and sepsis and made an amazing

pull-through, but this time around the doctors are saying there's no hope.

Basically almost all of her intestine is dead and she is too frail to survive

any surgery, and even if she could they don't think she would have enough

functional bowel left to support life anyway.

>

> The question of the week, of course, is Nada. Last time all this was going

on, a lot of it was, of course, all about her. I was in my mid-20's and all up

for spending the night in the hospital waiting room, which I did. My grandma

would talk about that for years afterward, and nada always acted jealous. The

Christmas after she was released from the hospital nada spent three weeks before

the holiday festivities convincing herself that people in the family were mad at

her and wouldn't talk to her. Christmas came and nada was absolutely devastated

by people who " ignored her " when they were just acting like their normal selves.

I kept getting tragic, tearful looks all day long, and she'd keep sidling over

to me to point out how so-and-so wasn't talking to her. Then at the end of the

day one of my grandparents' neighbors came over with a Christmas present for

them and made a hunting joke (nada is RABID anti-hunting) and she LOST IT.

Screamed and bawled and CRIED like you wouldn't believe for at least an hour and

then when we got home, did it again.

>

> Fast forward to my brother's graduation from police academy. This time nada

was mad at me because I wouldn't agree with her in a dispute she was having with

a friend of hers. The same tragic looks and glances, sullen refusal to speak to

anyone, and the like really made me uncomfortable and IMO ruined my brother's

graduation night, which was all the worse because he had overcome years of

underachievement to get to that point, and was in school for a college degree at

the same time as going through police academy! I didn't think much at ALL of

the behavior I witnessed, which played a big decision in me not inviting her to

my wedding or going to my brother's wedding...something he was royally pissed

about, but I am getting to the point where I just can't be around that anymore.

At all.

>

> Add in the contretemps regarding situations like: Nada going out of her way

to tell me someone had said I was fat in an email and then cutting all her hair

off when I sent her a sarcastic email back again letting her know I thought it

was insensitive of her to tell me that; nada flipping out when my brother and

his first wife lived with her and didn't clean up after themselves, and going

all over town sending my brother down the river to anyone who knew him who would

listen, and sending him totally inappropriate emails at his job in the sheriff's

dept., and you will see why I have been NC for almost the last four years.

>

> Now, her mother will most surely die in the next couple of days. There will

be family gathering; there will be a funeral. I don't want to go, because I

will have to see nada. I am afraid that either she will be doing her

cringe-tragic face-and-point routine at me, thus making everyone there

uncomfortable; or if she doesn't, then I will have to speak to her there and

then it will be expected that I have to speak to her in the future. And I don't

want to. I REALLY don't want to.

>

> OTOH, it will be my grandmother's funeral, other people might wonder why I

don't show up or be mad at me because I didn't show up/hurt my mother's

feelings/didn't show proper respect, or some other such thing.

>

> I at least got to go and see my grandmother for what I'm pretty sure will be

the last time today. She was alert and talking, and on pain meds so she felt

pretty good. I told her several times that I really loved her and that she was

a great grandmother, and thanked her for all she had done for me growing up. I

know that she and my grandfather helped create a lot of my problems by the way

they raised nada, but then when nada was at her worst, they were the only people

I could really count on. So they both sentenced me to some serious problems in

life and saved me at the same time.

>

> I feel like I've done my most important job today. But, what do I do

tomorrow? I could go back tomorrow, but nada will most surely be there. Same

with the funeral. What do I do?

>

> Advice? Help?

>

> thanks.

>

> --.

>

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Update: My grandma died on Monday. My uncle and aunt are taking care of the

funeral arrangements, buying her a dress, etc. My uncle said nada showed up at

the hospital for a final visit, and that she was walking the halls, blabbing at

my stepfather and waving her hands around like a lunatic. He only shook their

hands when he saw her! (I'm sure THAT went over well, and she is fuming to

everyone who will listen about " How I was treated, " and " They don't love me, "

and " They're leaving me out. " ) I wanted to go see my grandma one more time on

Sunday, but hearing that I'm glad I didn't. My uncle called me on his cell to

let me know nada was there, I think to warn me off!

It's sad I couldn't go back one more time, but I got to see my grandma on last

Wednesday while she was still the most like her old self, and I said all the

things I most wanted her to hear. I think I knew then I'd never see her again.

The funeral is tomorrow at 11. I said I wanted to go, and hubby already took

off work (I'd never go without him!), so I guess I'm going. I imagine nada will

be there. I don't know what to do, talk to her and hug her, ignore her, or

what? I sure as hell don't want to invite further contact with her. All I need

is her calling up here to complain about people again, thinking all is forgiven.

I hope she won't show up, but I don't think I'll get that lucky.

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for the support on this thread.

--.

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I wonder if you could enlist your uncle's help with redirecting nada to people

who can tolerate her, if he sees her headed your way. And have a bunch of things

ready for your husband to say, to make a graceful exit.

Don't engage her if at all possible. If it were me, I'd say something totally

bland, talk about the weather or something, then wander off. If you don't feed

her drama, it can't grow.

both my cents,

Tina

>

> Update: My grandma died on Monday. My uncle and aunt are taking care of the

funeral arrangements, buying her a dress, etc. My uncle said nada showed up at

the hospital for a final visit, and that she was walking the halls, blabbing at

my stepfather and waving her hands around like a lunatic. He only shook their

hands when he saw her! (I'm sure THAT went over well, and she is fuming to

everyone who will listen about " How I was treated, " and " They don't love me, "

and " They're leaving me out. " ) I wanted to go see my grandma one more time on

Sunday, but hearing that I'm glad I didn't. My uncle called me on his cell to

let me know nada was there, I think to warn me off!

>

> It's sad I couldn't go back one more time, but I got to see my grandma on last

Wednesday while she was still the most like her old self, and I said all the

things I most wanted her to hear. I think I knew then I'd never see her again.

>

> The funeral is tomorrow at 11. I said I wanted to go, and hubby already took

off work (I'd never go without him!), so I guess I'm going. I imagine nada will

be there. I don't know what to do, talk to her and hug her, ignore her, or

what? I sure as hell don't want to invite further contact with her. All I need

is her calling up here to complain about people again, thinking all is forgiven.

I hope she won't show up, but I don't think I'll get that lucky.

>

> I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for the support on this thread.

>

> --.

>

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