Re: why do I bother trying to explain??

[Guest guest]

Those situations are very frustrating. I try to avoid them now unless the person

I'm speaking with has SEEN my Nada in action. Otherwise, I try to take it with a

grain of salt, and just mention that my Nada and I have a very difficult

relationship (or drop a line about mental illness that makes her difficult to

interact with).

If a comment like that ( " but she's your MOther " ) really bothers, I try to talk

to someone who knows what's going on. Being with a person who I *know* is

validating and supportive is a wonderful, therapeutic experience, even if we're

just hanging out (not talking about BPD/KO stuff)

Hugs and solidarity,

Frances

>

> I saw a good friend of mine yesterday; I hadn't seen her in a while and she

asked how my mother was.

>

> Stupid me.

>

> I said, " she's good; I've been able to cut down how often we talk and am

trying to set good boundaries with her. "

>

> She said, " oh, the poor thing. does she still call you a lot? "

>

> Me: Well, she had been for a while, but I've got her down to one quick call a

day.

>

> Her: <gasp!> But, she's your MOther! tsk tsk tsk

>

> At that point, I let her go on and then changed the subject.I really didn't

want to get into a big argument about it and hoped she would just understand as

we'd spoken about this in the past, but she's got some pretty big non-mother

problems going on and probably just didn't remember. Still...lucky her, her

mother lives on another continent and doesn't call her at all.

>

> I'm sure if her mother was calling her with increasing frequency and agitation

every day, her tune would change.

>

> Like I said, I know she's got her mind on other things and was probably just

talking on " automatic, " but it made me realize, once again, that not everyone,

in fact MOST people, will not understand/appreciate/GET what I'm saying.

>

> I used to feel, after a conversation like this, a great need to justify and

explain myself, as well a lot of shame and guilt. But I'm not her. She's not me.

And her mother's not mine. And it feels really freeing to realize that.

>

> I mean, don't get me wrong, I would have preferred for her to have patted me

on the back and congratulated me on my boundaries but it's my own fault for

thinking everyone will understand my situation.

>

> Anyway, had to share! thanks for e-listening.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

grrr......... I hate stuff like this, like once years ago a coworker I had only

known a few days started lecturing me about how I needed to go home for

thanksgiving...I am getting more frank as I get older, ready to say stuff like

'I'm feeling judged by you', etc.

>

> I saw a good friend of mine yesterday; I hadn't seen her in a while and she

asked how my mother was.

>

> Stupid me.

>

> I said, " she's good; I've been able to cut down how often we talk and am

trying to set good boundaries with her. "

>

> She said, " oh, the poor thing. does she still call you a lot? "

>

> Me: Well, she had been for a while, but I've got her down to one quick call a

day.

>

> Her: <gasp!> But, she's your MOther! tsk tsk tsk

>

> At that point, I let her go on and then changed the subject.I really didn't

want to get into a big argument about it and hoped she would just understand as

we'd spoken about this in the past, but she's got some pretty big non-mother

problems going on and probably just didn't remember. Still...lucky her, her

mother lives on another continent and doesn't call her at all.

>

> I'm sure if her mother was calling her with increasing frequency and agitation

every day, her tune would change.

>

> Like I said, I know she's got her mind on other things and was probably just

talking on " automatic, " but it made me realize, once again, that not everyone,

in fact MOST people, will not understand/appreciate/GET what I'm saying.

>

> I used to feel, after a conversation like this, a great need to justify and

explain myself, as well a lot of shame and guilt. But I'm not her. She's not me.

And her mother's not mine. And it feels really freeing to realize that.

>

> I mean, don't get me wrong, I would have preferred for her to have patted me

on the back and congratulated me on my boundaries but it's my own fault for

thinking everyone will understand my situation.

>

> Anyway, had to share! thanks for e-listening.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I just tell people she's crazy, it's easier than trying to explain. Anytime I

tell someone just a few of the things I deal with on a daily basis with her,

their eyebrows raise and they don't know what to say. No one can understand

unless they've known someone with this disorder.

>

> I saw a good friend of mine yesterday; I hadn't seen her in a while and she

asked how my mother was.

>

> Stupid me.

>

> I said, " she's good; I've been able to cut down how often we talk and am

trying to set good boundaries with her. "

>

> She said, " oh, the poor thing. does she still call you a lot? "

>

> Me: Well, she had been for a while, but I've got her down to one quick call a

day.

>

> Her: <gasp!> But, she's your MOther! tsk tsk tsk

>

> At that point, I let her go on and then changed the subject.I really didn't

want to get into a big argument about it and hoped she would just understand as

we'd spoken about this in the past, but she's got some pretty big non-mother

problems going on and probably just didn't remember. Still...lucky her, her

mother lives on another continent and doesn't call her at all.

>

> I'm sure if her mother was calling her with increasing frequency and agitation

every day, her tune would change.

>

> Like I said, I know she's got her mind on other things and was probably just

talking on " automatic, " but it made me realize, once again, that not everyone,

in fact MOST people, will not understand/appreciate/GET what I'm saying.

>

> I used to feel, after a conversation like this, a great need to justify and

explain myself, as well a lot of shame and guilt. But I'm not her. She's not me.

And her mother's not mine. And it feels really freeing to realize that.

>

> I mean, don't get me wrong, I would have preferred for her to have patted me

on the back and congratulated me on my boundaries but it's my own fault for

thinking everyone will understand my situation.

>

> Anyway, had to share! thanks for e-listening.

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Totally! But the ones that bother me even more are the mutual friends who have

only seen my Nada's sweet side and think she's an angel. I want to tell them

the truth, but then I don't, of course, because not only will they not " get it " ,

they'll think I'm a terrible daughter (yes, still dealing with issues of shame

and guilt). So I say instead, " She's fine. Thanks for asking. " and change the

subject.

> >

> > I saw a good friend of mine yesterday; I hadn't seen her in a while and she

asked how my mother was.

> >

> > Stupid me.

> >

> > I said, " she's good; I've been able to cut down how often we talk and am

trying to set good boundaries with her. "

> >

> > She said, " oh, the poor thing. does she still call you a lot? "

> >

> > Me: Well, she had been for a while, but I've got her down to one quick call

a day.

> >

> > Her: <gasp!> But, she's your MOther! tsk tsk tsk

> >

> > At that point, I let her go on and then changed the subject.I really didn't

want to get into a big argument about it and hoped she would just understand as

we'd spoken about this in the past, but she's got some pretty big non-mother

problems going on and probably just didn't remember. Still...lucky her, her

mother lives on another continent and doesn't call her at all.

> >

> > I'm sure if her mother was calling her with increasing frequency and

agitation every day, her tune would change.

> >

> > Like I said, I know she's got her mind on other things and was probably just

talking on " automatic, " but it made me realize, once again, that not everyone,

in fact MOST people, will not understand/appreciate/GET what I'm saying.

> >

> > I used to feel, after a conversation like this, a great need to justify and

explain myself, as well a lot of shame and guilt. But I'm not her. She's not me.

And her mother's not mine. And it feels really freeing to realize that.

> >

> > I mean, don't get me wrong, I would have preferred for her to have patted me

on the back and congratulated me on my boundaries but it's my own fault for

thinking everyone will understand my situation.

> >

> > Anyway, had to share! thanks for e-listening.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>