my mother seems to minimize the positive things I do

[Guest guest]

I am seeing this alot lately.

I have read other posts where people say their mother thinks they are a part of

her and I feel this way too, there is no separation in her mind. Therefore I

can't be 'better' than her.

I've talked about my brother and SIL moving in with them and how my SIL is a

raging narcissist who refuses to clean up after her kids, who are one and two,

and herself. I mean AT ALL. In six months she's loaded the dishwasher one time.

She occasionally does bathe her children and she will wipe down the tray she

feeds the baby on. She even stood right in front of my mother the other day and

said " I don't freaking clean. " So it's all on my mother and father to do,

laundry included. They also frequently buy diapers and food for them,despite the

fact that my brother brings home more money than my mom and dad do jointly and

my brother is not paying them any rent for his family to live there. My brother

does what little, very little, cleaning that gets done, but he has almost no

time as he works full time and as soon as he gets home and on his days off she

'clocks out' as a mother and he has to care for the kids.

My parents house is filthy, she won't even wipe up so if a popsicle or whatever

is dropped on the carpet it stays there, three carpets are ruined and since the

kids eat all over the house, there is food slime on all the furniture and walls.

My mother is depressed, my father, who already has a heart condition, is

seething with rage every day, and nothing changes. I have talked to the girl

twice about it but I am now convinced there is no getting through to her, she

sees nothing wrong with her behavior even though she is 30 years old. My parents

won't ask them to leave because they don't want their grandkids living in even

worse filth. My mother cleans on the weekends, she works full time so there is

not much she can do during the week

What gripes me is every time I stand up to the girl my mother is initially

grateful but then she begins a minimization campaing, where she makes derisive

and critical comments about my doing so. My gut instinct is that she resents

that I can do something assertive that she is incapable of. My mother has

cleaved to traditional religion all her live and refused to get therapy or

marriage counseling of any kind, although my father has always been abusive and

her childhood was a nightmare of abuse of all kinds. I sense also lately that

she is playing my father and I against each other. I sense that when she is

angry at him she ropes me in a bit. I sense that perhaps this is something I

have never noticed, but when she is angry at me, her loyalties automatically

switch to him. And she seems to absolutely refuse to give me any credit for

being the one person who sanely and non-abusively has told SIL she is wrong for

her behavior. It's very bizarre. She whines on like all she wants is for someone

to stand up to her and then I do and I did the wrong thing, I think all she

wants is a lay therapist and someone to whine to so she can continue to be the

martyr. This is not a black and white situation, but her behavior is beginning

to appear to fall within parameters of both borderline and narcissist behavior,

I think it just has always been so subtle I maybe never could put a finger on it

before.

[Guest guest]

phine

You described my mother. You can't be better or independent because there is no

separation. She bitches about all this stuff and refuses to do anything. I

absorb the anger and try to " help " her but then she says just forget it.......It

is crazy making.

No matter how much I do for her while my brother does absolutely NOTHING for

her, we are equal in her eyes. She can't acknowledge anything positive that I do

and when I do achieve something, she minimizes it. And being somewhat high

functiong, it is so disguised to outsiders.

" Why cant you accept me the way that I am? " Favorite line and most used....I

think it means just let me do what I want and dont' complain....

felicia

Subject: my mother seems to minimize the positive things I

do

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, May 16, 2010, 7:07 PM

 

I am seeing this alot lately.

I have read other posts where people say their mother thinks they are a part of

her and I feel this way too, there is no separation in her mind. Therefore I

can't be 'better' than her.

I've talked about my brother and SIL moving in with them and how my SIL is a

raging narcissist who refuses to clean up after her kids, who are one and two,

and herself. I mean AT ALL. In six months she's loaded the dishwasher one time.

She occasionally does bathe her children and she will wipe down the tray she

feeds the baby on. She even stood right in front of my mother the other day and

said " I don't freaking clean. " So it's all on my mother and father to do,

laundry included. They also frequently buy diapers and food for them,despite the

fact that my brother brings home more money than my mom and dad do jointly and

my brother is not paying them any rent for his family to live there. My brother

does what little, very little, cleaning that gets done, but he has almost no

time as he works full time and as soon as he gets home and on his days off she

'clocks out' as a mother and he has to care for the kids.

My parents house is filthy, she won't even wipe up so if a popsicle or whatever

is dropped on the carpet it stays there, three carpets are ruined and since the

kids eat all over the house, there is food slime on all the furniture and walls.

My mother is depressed, my father, who already has a heart condition, is

seething with rage every day, and nothing changes. I have talked to the girl

twice about it but I am now convinced there is no getting through to her, she

sees nothing wrong with her behavior even though she is 30 years old. My parents

won't ask them to leave because they don't want their grandkids living in even

worse filth. My mother cleans on the weekends, she works full time so there is

not much she can do during the week

What gripes me is every time I stand up to the girl my mother is initially

grateful but then she begins a minimization campaing, where she makes derisive

and critical comments about my doing so. My gut instinct is that she resents

that I can do something assertive that she is incapable of. My mother has

cleaved to traditional religion all her live and refused to get therapy or

marriage counseling of any kind, although my father has always been abusive and

her childhood was a nightmare of abuse of all kinds. I sense also lately that

she is playing my father and I against each other. I sense that when she is

angry at him she ropes me in a bit. I sense that perhaps this is something I

have never noticed, but when she is angry at me, her loyalties automatically

switch to him. And she seems to absolutely refuse to give me any credit for

being the one person who sanely and non-abusively has told SIL she is wrong for

her behavior. It's very bizarre. She whines

on like all she wants is for someone to stand up to her and then I do and I did

the wrong thing, I think all she wants is a lay therapist and someone to whine

to so she can continue to be the martyr. This is not a black and white

situation, but her behavior is beginning to appear to fall within parameters of

both borderline and narcissist behavior, I think it just has always been so

subtle I maybe never could put a finger on it before.