Dealing with nada after death of father

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm new to this group. I'm looking for some advice on dealing with my nada

now that my father has passed. He had been sick for quite a while and died 2

months ago. I knew dealing with my nada was going to be bad, but I guess I

didn't realize how frustrating it would be – in large part because I'm having

trouble trying to balance normal empathy for someone in the grieving process

while trying to protect myself from the abuse of my nada. Every time I try to

draw boundaries, I feel so horribly guilty and like such a bad person because I

know she has a legitimate reason for grieving. And, what is normal grief?

Everyone is different, so I have a hard time in the thick of things

distinguishing what might be a normal grief reaction from a behavior trait

brought on by BPD (and alcoholism).

For the past two months, I basically let her stream out total hysteria every

time she talked, trying to only call when I knew I had to get off the phone in

10-15 minutes. I would let her babble away about whatever and basically just

agree with whatever crazy assertions she made, or at least just make a grunt or

" hmm " to indicate I was still there. Lately, I've been putting off talking to

her more because I'm just tired of the endless complaining. I can only listen

to so much and exercise patience and I've just been dreading talking to her more

and more. Which only increases her hysteria.

My situation is complicated by the fact that I am 12 weeks pregnant, and I have

not yet told her. This being my second child, I am showing already, and in

addition to every other reason I dread talking to her, I dread her finding out

I'm pregnant because I know she's going to go ballistic. She is adamantly

against me having another child for various reasons (probably chief among them

because she only had me and for me to do something different from her she

interprets as criticism of her decisions). I told myself that I would tell her

when I got back from a two week trip – that I didn't want her to worry about my

health when I was pregnant and in a foreign country. But the fact is, that if I

had my way, I wouldn't tell her about this child until it was already out. She

basically has nothing to do with my daughter as it is, so I just have this huge

reserve of anger that's about ready to break out when she starts in on what an

idiot I am to have another kid.

So, basically, I've just stopped talking to her less and less because I'm more

and more frustrated with her, apprehensive of her reaction to my pregnancy, and

angry at her behavior towards my daughter. But, as my communication has gone

down, my guilt has gone up and I imagine the horrible things she and her friends

are thinking about me – to be so insensitive to my grieving mother. What makes

me most livid is when she starts telling me things that my father " really " felt

and " told " her, which are totally made up since he and I were extremely close

and I know how he really felt about her – and how she contributed to his illness

and suffering over the past 5 years. But that's another topic altogether.

I've never gone NC with her because of my dad. I'm not sure if that's something

I can do even now because he's gone so recently. But at what point do I draw

the line? Because she's not going to be any better a year from now. Or two

years from now. Or whenever – because her issue is really her BPD more than

legitimate grief, which I'm not even sure she can process. To go through a

grieving process, you have to be able to recognize the deceased as their own

person, in my opinion, and she's incapable of doing that. He always was and

continues to be some kind of appendage to her, so how can she let go in a

healthy and loving way?

Anyhow, I would welcome thoughts and suggestions, because lately I feel like the

worst daughter in the world.