new to the group

[Guest guest]

Hmmm. Well, " leaving " is always a good choice, so you're headed in the right

direction. While you're there, though, can you try to document his behavior

when he goes nuts on you or your mom? Use a cellphone camera, keep his

voicemails and emails, etc. Then when he tries to sweet-talk the lawyers,

psychiatrists, cops, whomever - you will have documentation to help your mom get

a restraining order or file for divorce herself, should she decide she's had

enough of the abuse.

And you might start helping her get her financial affairs in order so he can't

run through the bank account and leave her destitute when he runs off to Vegas.

>

> I currently live in the house of the BPD person (I'm 25 years old). My father

can go from extremely happy to hell-bent on destroying anyone he thinks is

" bad " . You are either good or bad in his eyes. I've learned what triggers him

to think certain things, and I managed to protect my mother for a while and try

to keep him calm. But one day, he blew up and went crazy. He went to the

" courthouse " to get divorce papers, took them home and told my mother he filed

them, packed his suitcase and ran off to a casino for the weekend. She emailed

me crying and frustrated. Once I looked at the papers I realized he never even

filed them. There was no case number, and different information about my mother

was missing. I came home and dedicated myself to listening to my mother. Then

he called me that night and told me the most horrible messed up things about

her. Including fake physically abusive stories about how she punched him and so

forth, and how he should have left her alone as a single mother with me. You

see, he trained me my entire life to be against my mother and told me horrible

stories about her. But that night on the phone I realized everything he tells

me are ALL lies. He " filed " those papers to scare her.

>

>

> The oddest thing happened the next day... He showed up extraordinarily happy

as if nothing happened. To him, he was off on a weekend getaway.

>

>

> That in a nutshell is my father. He has raised me to be an adult from a very

early age who would grow up and take care of him. He's purposely sabotaged good

things in my life just to make sure I had to be close to him, only to satisfy

his psychotic neediness. The stories are endless. So many times when he would

go on a horrible verbal rampage until he had beaten me down to utter humiliation

with his words, or went on a violent rampage breaking everything in my room.

Without fail the next day he would be extraordinarily happy. My best friend of

8 years (whom is about to go onto graduate school for psychology) observed that

to her it seems like he gets a lot of pleasure out of terrifying my mom and me.

He's a master manipulator. He does this thing when he thinks you are bad where

he pushes all your buttons at once until you flip out on him, then he stands

there laughing and making fun of you, and trying to make you feel or look like

you're the crazy one.

>

>

> Do these stories sound familiar for anyone? I feel so guilty all the time

like I should be protecting my mother. Lately, he's in happy mode so he's been

okay. I have so much anxiety now that one day I'm going to get that email or

phone call that my dad is at it again. He might not now that I am working out

of the house permanently (I work virtually for a company in MN). Although, that

could also mean he won't be able to hide it and I'll see how he screams at her

when I'm not here. I don't like him in that mode. He's really really scary.

>

>

> How do you deal with the guilt? Wanting to protect but being too tired to do

it? I can barely look at him some days. I like to pretend like he's normally

when he's in extremely happy mode but I know it won't last and he'll crack

again. I'm moving out in a couple of months so luckily I won't be around to see

it, but then I fear for my mother. With him retired, bored, no one to boss

around and frustration with his own life he might take it out on her.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, that kind of behavior sounds very familar. The details

are different, but the attitude behind them sounds the same.

You ask how to deal with the guilt of being too tired to protect

your mother. I think the first step in dealing with that is to

recognize that your mother is an adult capable of making her own

choices. The fact that she has stayed in this marriage and puts

up with his behavior is not your fault. If you can help her deal

with this, that's fine, but it isn't your responsibility to deal

with it. If you don't have the time, energy or ability to

protect her, that's not something you should feel guilty about.

It is her responsibility to take steps to protect herself. You

are responsible for your choices, not hers. What does she have

to say about this situation? What does she want to do about it?

Does she want to stay with him or does she want to leave but

lacks the resources to do so?

At 03:44 PM 05/19/2010 sweetsoulmusic09 wrote:

>I currently live in the house of the BPD person (I'm 25 years

>old). My father can go from extremely happy to hell-bent on

>destroying anyone he thinks is " bad " . You are either good or

>bad in his eyes. I've learned what triggers him to think

>certain things, and I managed to protect my mother for a while

>and try to keep him calm. But one day, he blew up and went

>crazy. He went to the " courthouse " to get divorce papers, took

>them home and told my mother he filed them, packed his suitcase

>and ran off to a casino for the weekend. She emailed me crying

>and frustrated. Once I looked at the papers I realized he

>never even filed them. There was no case number, and different

>information about my mother was missing. I came home and

>dedicated myself to listening to my mother. Then he called me

>that night and told me the most horrible messed up things about

>her. Including fake physically abusive stories about how she

>punched him and so forth, and how he should have left her alone

>as a single mother with me. You see, he trained me my entire

>life to be against my mother and told me horrible stories about

>her. But that night on the phone I realized everything he

>tells me are ALL lies. He " filed " those papers to scare her.

>

>

>The oddest thing happened the next day... He showed up

>extraordinarily happy as if nothing happened. To him, he was

>off on a weekend getaway.

>

>

>That in a nutshell is my father. He has raised me to be an

>adult from a very early age who would grow up and take care of

>him. He's purposely sabotaged good things in my life just to

>make sure I had to be close to him, only to satisfy his

>psychotic neediness. The stories are endless. So many times

>when he would go on a horrible verbal rampage until he had

>beaten me down to utter humiliation with his words, or went on

>a violent rampage breaking everything in my room. Without fail

>the next day he would be extraordinarily happy. My best friend

>of 8 years (whom is about to go onto graduate school for

>psychology) observed that to her it seems like he gets a lot of

>pleasure out of terrifying my mom and me. He's a master

>manipulator. He does this thing when he thinks you are bad

>where he pushes all your buttons at once until you flip out on

>him, then he stands there laughing and making fun of you, and

>trying to make you feel or look like you're the crazy one.

>

>

>Do these stories sound familiar for anyone? I feel so guilty

>all the time like I should be protecting my mother. Lately,

>he's in happy mode so he's been okay. I have so much anxiety

>now that one day I'm going to get that email or phone call that

>my dad is at it again. He might not now that I am working out

>of the house permanently (I work virtually for a company in

>MN). Although, that could also mean he won't be able to hide

>it and I'll see how he screams at her when I'm not here. I

>don't like him in that mode. He's really really scary.

>

>

>How do you deal with the guilt? Wanting to protect but being

>too tired to do it? I can barely look at him some days. I

>like to pretend like he's normally when he's in extremely happy

>mode but I know it won't last and he'll crack again. I'm

>moving out in a couple of months so luckily I won't be around

>to see it, but then I fear for my mother. With him retired,

>bored, no one to boss around and frustration with his own life

>he might take it out on her.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

my BPD dad (called " fada " around here) has the same sort of attitude behind

it, though the details are a bit different. it sucks. REALLY sucks. I'm glad

you're finally moving out, and helping your mom get her finances in order,

and making documentations of these incidents with video, are very very key

things should your mom ever want to get a divorce from all that crazy and

get a restraining order. Make sure you protect yourself, too. And realize

that your mom is an adult, and you can never fully protect her. In fact, SHE

should be protecting YOU. But that's what fadas do.

My fada is the same way--my mom just goes along with him and enables his

behavior, because she believes that women should obey their husbands in a

literal sense. My mom is basically like another child in many ways, it

seems, because of the position of power my fada is in over her, bullying her

verbally, etc. And my mom has been wanting to get a degree (fada has a PhD)

but about a year ago she said that dad didn't really want her to go off to

school. I know he thinks she has to stay home and take care of the kids, and

keep them quiet. Fada can't really handle the stress--he always foists off

all the tasks to mom, and when I still lived at home, to me, and then when I

moved out, to my little brother who is the second oldest.

Anyway, I'm off on a tangent. I'm continually realizing things in this

group, and you'll find you'll have similar experiences here. It feels so

good to think about things from a normal perspective for once!

(((hugs to you)))

On Wed, May 19, 2010 at 2:44 PM, sweetsoulmusic09 <

sweetsoulmusic09@...> wrote:

>

>

> I currently live in the house of the BPD person (I'm 25 years old). My

> father can go from extremely happy to hell-bent on destroying anyone he

> thinks is " bad " . You are either good or bad in his eyes. I've learned what

> triggers him to think certain things, and I managed to protect my mother for

> a while and try to keep him calm. But one day, he blew up and went crazy. He

> went to the " courthouse " to get divorce papers, took them home and told my

> mother he filed them, packed his suitcase and ran off to a casino for the

> weekend. She emailed me crying and frustrated. Once I looked at the papers I

> realized he never even filed them. There was no case number, and different

> information about my mother was missing. I came home and dedicated myself to

> listening to my mother. Then he called me that night and told me the most

> horrible messed up things about her. Including fake physically abusive

> stories about how she punched him and so forth, and how he should have left

> her alone as a single mother with me. You see, he trained me my entire life

> to be against my mother and told me horrible stories about her. But that

> night on the phone I realized everything he tells me are ALL lies. He

> " filed " those papers to scare her.

>

> The oddest thing happened the next day... He showed up extraordinarily

> happy as if nothing happened. To him, he was off on a weekend getaway.

>

> That in a nutshell is my father. He has raised me to be an adult from a

> very early age who would grow up and take care of him. He's purposely

> sabotaged good things in my life just to make sure I had to be close to him,

> only to satisfy his psychotic neediness. The stories are endless. So many

> times when he would go on a horrible verbal rampage until he had beaten me

> down to utter humiliation with his words, or went on a violent rampage

> breaking everything in my room. Without fail the next day he would be

> extraordinarily happy. My best friend of 8 years (whom is about to go onto

> graduate school for psychology) observed that to her it seems like he gets a

> lot of pleasure out of terrifying my mom and me. He's a master manipulator.

> He does this thing when he thinks you are bad where he pushes all your

> buttons at once until you flip out on him, then he stands there laughing and

> making fun of you, and trying to make you feel or look like you're the crazy

> one.

>

> Do these stories sound familiar for anyone? I feel so guilty all the time

> like I should be protecting my mother. Lately, he's in happy mode so he's

> been okay. I have so much anxiety now that one day I'm going to get that

> email or phone call that my dad is at it again. He might not now that I am

> working out of the house permanently (I work virtually for a company in MN).

> Although, that could also mean he won't be able to hide it and I'll see how

> he screams at her when I'm not here. I don't like him in that mode. He's

> really really scary.

>

> How do you deal with the guilt? Wanting to protect but being too tired to

> do it? I can barely look at him some days. I like to pretend like he's

> normally when he's in extremely happy mode but I know it won't last and

> he'll crack again. I'm moving out in a couple of months so luckily I won't

> be around to see it, but then I fear for my mother. With him retired, bored,

> no one to boss around and frustration with his own life he might take it out

> on her.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

hello everyone,

I've tried posting a couple of things in reply to some messages but I'm not

sure if it worked. let me just say how happy i feel to finally find a

community where i can get support in the struggle of trying to live my life

without guilt, shame, obligation or fear. reading some of the posts so far

offers me hope that i can make it through this difficult time. i had a baby

almost two years ago and since then my world and perception has changed

dramatically. I was in denial regarding my mother's BPD, though I very well

knew for a long time what she had I still never fully accepted it. I hoped

that she would change when she became a grandmother, but I think she only

got worse. My husband was appalled at the way I let her treat me and the way

she continues to treat other members of my family, who are still in denial

and still putting up with her verbal and emotional abuse (she also has a

history of attacking/assaulting people including myself physically).

I recently discovered that she also has narcissistic traits, as if BPD alone

weren't enough! She lacks empathy and it's always about her, her, her and

what she wants and what she thinks and what she feels. I've been on an

emotional roller coaster ride this last year. my husband has been

chronically ill and out of work, my son is a handful (very active and

energetic) and i work a full time job in a stressful environment and commute

two hours/day so I come home EXHAUSTED. we have no support except for the

day care we use three days a week so my husband can rest and recover. even

though we have no money and are up to our eyes in debt, we have no other

alternatives at this time. i am grieving not only a lost childhood, but a

lost support system. Isn't this the time where a healthy and available

mother would offer to help and be nice and kind to you and not

verbally/emotionally attack you every minute she had the chance to do it?

every time I talk to her (which is not often anymore...ever since I started

asserting myself and my needs and confronting her on her behavior she avoids

me for the most part) she demands to see her grandson when she feels like

it. We're supposed to drop what we're doing and accommodate her demands and

if we don't we're the bad people...now she's using my dad to try to guilt

trip me and it's causing friction in our relationship.

I am beside myself. I've been crying up a storm at the drop of a hat,

sometimes even commuting in to work , and then I have a heck of a time

trying to make it through the day. I am in therapy for myself and have been

for years now (on and off) but on for the last two years...I also started

couples therapy w/ my husband since our stress is starting to impact our

relationship. i also try to practice meditation when I can and am starting a

yoga program. I read books for fun when i can and listen to audio books no

in my car during my long commute. luckily in two weeks i'm taking a long

weekend by myself to go visit my best friend out of town (who has offered to

take me, my husband and son in to her home if we're willing to relocate

until we can find housing down there). I'm considering it in the near future

if things don't improve...

I just feel so abandoned and betrayed and lied to and hurt.

how do you all cope? what can i do to make it through this rough period? I

feel so sad.

thank you everyone.

--

--Sofia

" Live all you can

it's a mistake not to.

It doesn't so much matter

what you do in particular,

So long as you have had your life.

If you haven't had that

What have you had? "

-Henry