Re: At the end of my rope... (sorry this is long)

June 12, 2010

Dear and Everyone!

I cannot tell you how much all of your words have meant to me. This group is

truly a priceless gift, a treasure - if only I had found it sooner!

Little by little I am going to get on my feet again and I am going to have peace

in my life - I know I am back on the right path, the path that I had stumbled

upon once I realized that my mother had BPD a few years ago. I had a few

setbacks over the last year, but I am getting back on track.

The night before last I caved. She called, as if she hadn't been driving me

crazy for days, and feigned frustration over the fact that we hadn't bought

tickets for the kids' vacation with her yet. I was point blank with her - " If

you want me to bring the kids to spend time with you and if you are willing to

purchase tickets now, then I am willing to continue talking to you about the

trip. If you are going to use this trip as a filler in other conversations, then

you will have to talk about it alone. " She bought the tickets (I still had to

pay for my own ticket, but at this point my mental health is more valuable than

a few hundred bucks, while I am quite poor I am fortunate enough to have the

money right now (not that I can afford it, but that's another story - I will be

paying back more than a quarter of a million plus 8% interest in student loans

when I finish med school, while my mother is giving away one million dollars

this year to have a building named after my late step-father (which he truly

deserves, but I know he would not have liked - he was not an ostentatious person

and he hated any and all signs of self-aggrandizement and egomania)).

I think this trip is a turning point on my road to LC or at least Managed

Contact (MC, haha). I have begun explaining to the kids that this is probably

the last time they will get to spend any significant time with grandma. I have

explained to them that my schedule will be very busy this year in school and

starting next year (2011-2012 academic year) it will become even more busy

because I will no longer have classroom study - lectures, labs, etc., but I will

be working 60-80 hours per week in the hospital during 3rd and 4th year clinical

rotations and after that I will graduate and begin working 80 hrs/wk as a

resident doctor for at least 3 years. The kids are getting old enough where they

are starting to notice that something is off about grandma at times, and they

are also at that age where they can trigger her (as we all know BPDs really come

off hinges once you start being independent and thinking independently). My

older son has already begun sensing that there is something odd about grandma

sometimes. So this will be their last long visit with her (at least until they

reach an age where they can make their own decisions about whether or not to see

her and they can travel alone to visit her).

I will also most likely go pick them back up (I will be able to use my

frequent-flier miles for that trip) instead of having her bring them back home.

After that I will have a legitimate excuse - I am very busy with school and the

kids (since my husband will not be living at home, will be hundreds of miles

away for a job), to have very limited contact with her. I will call her once a

week or once every two weeks, depending on how I feel and how much time I have,

and limit the conversation to 3 minutes or less. If and when she calls, if I

have the time and I feel like it, I will answer and limit the conversation to 3

minutes or less. My kids will always have the choice to answer her calls or call

her as often or as rarely as they wish. I will not interfere in their

relationship (positively or negatively) as long as they are safe, and I will

definitely not be pushing them to stay in touch with her (as I have done in the

past). I will remain vigilant in protecting my children's emotional and

psychological health, above all else.

Most importantly, she is a grown woman who is capable (financially,

intellectually, and physically (so far so good)) to take care of herself. As

much as she thinks I owe her my life and it is my sacred duty to make her happy

and fulfill her every whim, wish, and aspiration - I will live my life (for

myself and my children, just as I expect my children to live their lives for

themselves and their children, NOT for me!).

If over the course of the next year she is able to respect my boundaries and in

general respect me as a human being and treat me with kindness, I will continue

to maintain a relationship with her. If she is unable to do so, I will move from

MC/LC to NC over time. I think it will be easier for me to transition through

phases, rather than go cold turkey.

This is where I am right now. Surprisingly, I am already feeling less guilt than

I was a few days ago when I first decided that I was going to transition to

LC/NC. I think, just like with anything else, time will heal the guilt and the

pain, especially once there is more sanity and less stress in my life, I will

begin to feel much better about the whole situation. I will give updates as

often as I can.

Arianna

>

> Arianna: I am an only child as well, and lots of what you said ring true.

Bottom line, you are in too deep right now, you need to go NC for a long time to

pull yourself back, get some peace, figure out some boundaries, or figure out

if you want someone like your mother in your life. Your life is hard enough

with kids and med school, and she is just making it unbearable and she is NEVER

GOING TO CHANGE HER BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU unless you seriously alter your whole

dynamic with her and you can only do that with a clear head and with the help of

counseling. Truly, you deserve this, your children deserve this, and it is

incumbent on you to do this for yourself. Stop apologizing ( " I'm sorry if you

thought I raised my voice " - from your email, I do the same thing, saying I'm

sorry when I'm really not, or when I know logically that I haven't behaved in a

way that warrants an apology) and start expecting some minimum level behavior

from her if she wants to be in your life. I have been nc for a year, and it's

hard, but I know that I'm finally being good to myself and acknowledging that I

can't fix her, can't be what she needs, and I love myself and my family enough

to do what's right for me.

>

> stop talking to her right now.

>

> -

>

June 13, 2010

Dear Arianna,

I have just joined the group and your post was the first that I read. I did

write a response a few days ago (well it was more like a purge), but then I took

it off because I hadn't signed up properly and wanted to resend it properly with

my correct alias etc. It doesn't look like the second one has come through, but

so much has changed since then, that I'm thinking it doesn't matter:)

Reading your post, I was struck by how much I could draw parallels- being an

only child, being caught in that terrible place between the need to set

boundaries and that awful guilt. Especially since mum has alienated nearly every

family member and friend she has ever had to varying degrees and they have

either minimal contact or none at all.

Her health is also a big issue, even though she's only just turned 50, for as

long as I can remember, she has always had perplexing heart complaints, usually

brought on by my horrible, nasty selfish behaviour. The last few years she has

suffered a back complaint from work and her descriptions of it are so confusing,

I have no idea how much of it is real or psychosomatic. Either way, it is a

constant framework for her interactions with me. Especially if I try and

confront her about any of her behaviour or set boundaries. She is fighting so

hard and struggling so much with her back and her depression, she just can't

handle any pressure from me. I am implicated over and over again for placing

unbearable pressure on her when she is trying so hard to get her life back o

track. How can I be so cruel??!! She even spelt out cruel on the phone to me a

few nights back!

I was also struck by your amazing compassion and just how articulate you were in

describing the patterns of behaviour etc. You are an amazing person to maintain

such compassion throughout treatment like that and I really hope that you can

find the strength to continue setting boundaries and stay on track achieving

your dreams, in the full faith that you are a wonderful, strong person who is

not in any way responsible for this utterly bewildering behaviour.

So much has changed for me in the last week, since I signed up. I have more or

less been pushing this stuff with my mum to the back of my mind for the past 15

years since I have left home. All through my twenties I was repeatedly thrown

into soul destroying turmoil each time a " blow up " happened with my mum. I would

be so confused as my mum's pattern is that of amazing, supportive mum who's love

for me is to the point of being obsessive, where I can do nothing wrong, to a

complete turn around often for no obvious reason where I am suddenly akin to the

devil. Each time I would be thrown into utter confusion and left in such

self-doubt. Mainly because the events were so perplexing and didn't make any

sense that I'd doubt my recollections, believing my mums (she would always place

things into a particular framework the next day) and her softness would return

and I would think that I was somehow to blame and that I must have been

imagining the craziness. I really was self-centred and as nasty as she said I

was.I could really relate to your need to tape your mother's phone calls.

I gained strength in this though, going into my thirties. I discovered Stop

Walking on Eggshells and began setting my boundaries and started working through

the guilt that always played out in my mind. I started believing in my

perceptions and felt comfortable with my need to sent boundaries, considering

the positive effect this might have on my mother as well. I came to a very firm

belief that I was not responsible for my mother's behaviour and that I could not

change her. Wow. That was a huge leap forward for me!

I have continued in this place for quite a few years now. I must admit, often

putting it out of my mind, mainly because I crave a loving relationship with my

mother and she has this amazing soft side and because I find it so confusing!

I have just had a baby who is 5 months old now and my mother and I, by a strange

turn of events are both back living in my hometown. This worried me so much, but

I have been focusing on the positives, such as being able to have fleeting

visits with her, with the option of leaving if things turn and also I have

thought her developing a relationship with my daughter would be so healing and a

nice chance for her to have a lovely family connection as most family members

really keep their distance.

For the last 6 months, there have been no major incidents and I have more than

ever needed to ignore mum's illness. I know things have been going on with other

family members and friends, but I just needed my mum I guess and wanted to

accept her help, cooking me meals and doing the odd house job for me while I was

recovering from my caesarean. I also thought it would be healing for her as she

really loves to help.

I wouldn't say that it's been really smooth sailing, mum's behaviour always has

such an intensity to it, even when things are seemingly fine, she's always

pushing boundaries and I'm always waiting for her to snap. Anyway as I look back

on the last 6 months I realise just how tense I have felt in each of our

interactions, even when she was doing all this lovely stuff for me. Then I'm

left feeling awful guilt again because of all this stuff she's doing for me, I

must be such a horrible, selfish person etc etc. Sigh!

Needless to say a huge blow up happened about a week ago. I was left feeling

bewildered, hurt, in turmoil again, but also with this horrible worry for her.

But I knew that something had to change after the barrage of nasty phone calls

and text messages saying truly hurtful things, mostly unrelated to what she was

upset with in the first place- which started when we were on our way out one

morning when she showed up asking us to help her put petrol in the car because

she had tried and freaked out. She assured us it wasn't pressing and that she

wasn't on empty. We had a busy day and I didn't get back to her until late in

the afternoon, not thinking it was urgent and I guess she had been stewing all

day. I am never there for her, I have my own life to lead she understands that,

but the one time she asked for my help I wasn't there, I have always been to

busy for her even before my baby was born. She has been through hell and

struggles every day and I am too busy helping anybody else to even know that she

exists and so on and so forth, the nastiness got worse from here and the

unrelated craziness that came out is as always just soooo bewildering I can

never make any sense out of it. I didn't react to any of it, mainly because I

didn't know how. A big blow up hasn't happened for ages and I have been almost

hero worshipped for these past months while others have been demonised that it

came as a bit of a shock. Also I really wanted a new way through it and wasn't

sure what that was. I didn't want to accept her excuses and turn of events any

more and just carry on with our relationship like nothing had happened.

She wrote me a letter and then I had some angry phone calls as I didn't reply.

That's when she spelt out cruel to me.

Then I did something that surprised me. Something I didn't ever think that I

could do. I wrote to her and told her how much I loved her and appreciated

everything she has done for me, but that I simply can't take any more of this

anger, that my daughter is my priority and I don't want her to experience one

bit of it and that I could only continue her relationship if she was willing to

address this behaviour. Wow. I could hardly believe I was doing it. It has just

simply never been an option in my mind.

I had a moment of vain hope when she called and said that she had taken it on

board and could I come to her house to collect a response in a few hours because

she was crying too much to leave the house.

I had some hours of entertaining the idea that maybe she was willing. Maybe we

could start rebuilding our relationship from a new place. I pointed out in the

letter that I was not perfect, that I wasn't pointing the finger at her, she had

always been such a loving mother and I tried to frame it with as much compassion

and respect for her dignity as I could, without sounding patronising.

But alas, by the time I reached her letter box, there wasn't one, but seven

letters. The first one was surprisingly restrained and it seemed like she had

really reflected. It was full of stuff about my grandmother and how she had to

protect me from her, and that she never understood her anger, but has

soul-searched and knows that she had gone through so much pain herself and

really was full of love etc, etc. But to be honest I haven't really processed

this first letter and its meaning because the other proceeding letters are full

of such hostility and resentment and I have had to endure another evening of

hateful text messages and her dropping off a bag at my doorstep full of photos

of me and presents I have given her.

The messages were hideous. She's going to make sure I'm not there when she dies,

I better be careful not to turn out like my dad's mother (I never met her

because dad left mum when she was pregnant, he was only 17 and his mother

refused to ever meet me) cause she was a real nasty one, I was horrible to keep

a grandmother away from her grandchild. And so on and so forth. She also phoned

my father in law to tell him that they weren't my parents, she was, where have

they been when we needed there help (they have been amazingly supportive, we

even lived with them for three months when I was first pregnant) etc, etc and

started messaging my best friend really whacky, quite mean stuff about the past.

That was last night. She finally messaged me to say that I have what I wanted.

That she is out of my life. One again she has twisted my words and

frustratingly, she has returned my letter so now she will have it framed in her

way, which will be no doubt that I have abandoned her when she needed me the

most. I feel a mixture of conflicting emotions. Somewhere beneath the confusion

is a sense of relief. That I might get a break, that I have done something

different to break out of this cycle. I have a flicker of hope that mum might

reflect and get some help and that we can rebuild our relationship somewhere

down the track. I also know that this will be akin to a miracle as I know that

this behaviour is her coping mechanism for survival, so don't know how she can

ever truly acknowledge the need for change. I also feel the usual pangs of

guilt- I am the only one she's got, what if she really is at rock bottom this

time, maybe the letter wasn't the right thing to do, she has done so much for me

and is really such a loving mother etc, etc. I also feel guilt for writing this

and for enjoying any of my time. It feels self indulgent while she is going

through real pain.

So as I work through all of this, I am trying to cling onto hope that my new

approach will lead to real change. I hope and pray that mum gets the support

that she needs to go through her journey and I think that I feel ok that I can't

be that person. It is just too big for me. In the meantime, I'm not sure I can

maintain this resolve to not interact with her until she agrees to address some

of her behaviour. I can't imagine not answering the door to her or responding if

she asks for help. I hadn't thought that far ahead when I wrote the letter. This

is very new.

Well, I suppose only time will tell.

I hope that my story is helpful in some way. I didn't mean to purge quite so

much, but it's a starting point I guess. I really do feel like I'm in a new

place with this and I am really happy to be able to find a forum like this where

people understand and I hope I can offer as much help as I will get being here.

Thank you for reading,

With warmth,

Lynda

> >

> > Here I am sitting crying tonight. I am at my wits end. I sit here wondering

about what terrible thing I must have done in my life to deserve this madness

and pain. I am going to go LC, I just can't take it any longer. I am at the

point where I would go NC, except it will be only on my end since my conscience

is just not releasing me completely and I know I won't be able to ignore a call

or email if she contacts me. I am an only child and she has managed to alienate

just about everyone, so I can't abandon her completely.

> >

> > Those of you who were kind enough to read some of my posts and have amazing

memories might recall that last December there was high drama surrounding my

mother's health. Three days before my finals began (as a first semester medical

student) she told me that she had just gotten back from the hospital ER where

she had taken herself at the insistence of some friends (she had been having

some chest pains). As you may imagine, I was a bad daughter for not even knowing

that she had gone to the hospital, but that's just a minor issue. At the ER they

had found nothing wrong with her heart, but the X-ray they took of her showed a

tiny lesion on her lung, which could have been a tumor. This news was very

upsetting and stressful, especially during finals week. My mind kept running

through various scenarios, one gloomier than the next, non-stop. The kids and I

went to visit her during winter break (a weak after finals), and she seemed

perfectly fine. She had plenty of energy and anger to berate me on a daily

basis. The doctors told her that she should get a follow-up scan in 6 months

(this May) to check and see if this was a tumor, in which case the next step

would be a biopsy.

> >

> > Throughout the spring semester the berating, badgering, name-calling

continued with regularity. In fact, her BPD seemed to be flaring up

progressively. Over the past few months she has been single-mindedly obsessed

with my father and all the ways in which he (with the help of my grandparents,

HER parents) has " programmed " me on a " cellular level " to continue abusing and

killing her even after his death (he committed suicide 15 years ago). My father

was physically abusive, which I cannot and will not excuse. She was verbally

abusive and at times tried to reciprocate the physical abuse as well, which

still does not excuse his behavior, but certainly does not make her a completely

innocent victim either. He was an alcoholic with a horribly painful past. She

was someone with a painful past herself – her father and uncle were classic

cases of NPD (my grandfather, who is still alive, is really a textbook example

and his brother was worse), while her mother took out all her frustrations with

her husband out on her kids by beating them. I have tried, I have tried so hard

to be kind and understanding. I have forgiven my parents for the pain they have

heaped upon me, for unleashing their combined misery in my young and innocent

life. Despite this, I am still a horrible person. I am the world's most

ungrateful daughter. I am ruthless and callous. I have no empathy. How can I

pretend that I am going to be a doctor and care for people when I don't even

care about my own mother, who has been THE " greatest mother in the world " . How

could I " use " my mother throughout my childhood only to shatter all her " hopes

and dreams " when I grew up. I have ruined my mother's life and health, and now I

am trying to " kill " her by making her angry and giving her a heart attack.

> >

> > So, in the final 2 weeks of school this spring semester, culminating in 4

exams, one of which was a comprehensive exam covering all the material we have

learned over the past year, my mother's health problems flared up again. She was

feeling horribly, her heart was aching, her chest was aching, her arm was going

numb, she had vertigo and she was losing consciousness several times a day,

according to what she told me. She would be on the phone with me and then she

would become quiet for a minute and I would call out, then she would come back

and say " I just passed out again " . I was a COMPLETE basketcase. I was under so

much stress and pressure academically (I don't mean to sound full-of-myself, and

when people used to tell me that there is no schooling as rigorous as medical

school, I thought they were exaggerating, but I have come to find out that they

weren't – I studied pretty serious disciplines as an undergrad (biochem and

computer science) and I got a master's degree from a top 10 program in the

country, but NOTHING compares to medical school – the sheer volume of stuff you

have to learn, understand, remember then regurgitate and APPLY on an exam is

breathtaking). The situation with her health started pushing me over the edge.

Although, I would catch her off guard sometimes (when I would call and she would

be on the other line with someone and she'd switch over sounding very strong and

chipper, then suddenly assume her " frail old lady " voice as soon as she realized

I was on the line), and a part of me wondered how much of her illness was

psychological/psychosomatic, I still couldn't disregard it, not even one little

bit. Part of this has to do with the fact that I never saw the signs and never

anticipated my father's suicide, so ever since then I always choose to err on

the side of caution. I would rather be overly concerned and find out there's

nothing serious, then the opposite.

> >

> > I found a good cardiologist and finally convinced her to go see him during

the last few days of school. They checked her and said that she might have a

murmur (I have had a murmur my whole life, and have had intermittent mild heart

problems throughout my life, so it didn't shock me too much). Regardless of my

comfort level with my own heart problems, any real heart problem she may have is

still very worrisome to me (first, because it appears as something new, and

second, because she is 60), but what is more worrisome to me is the situation

with her lung. She has yet to get the follow-up CT, I think. Although, she is

refusing to tell me when she is planning to get it, or even if she has already

gotten it. She has said several times that she is a poor, used, discarded

servant and nobody is there to care for her and take her to the doctor (mind

you, despite all her real or imagined health problems, she just planted 20 trees

in her yard a week ago and she can still muster up enough energy to go off on me

for 30 minutes without taking a single deep breath, not to mention that she is a

retire (by her choice) university professor and perfectly spry and capable of

driving herself to the doctor). Over the last couple of weeks she has also told

me in NO uncertain terms that she will not tell me anything about the medical

findings from this point on. Today, she made it clear that it was " payback " for

the secrets I have kept from her – she is trying to show me how it feels to be

" in the dark " (never mind the fact that the only reason I ever kept secrets from

her is that the smallest thing could make her become unhinged and completely

lose it, and every time she would plough full force into me I would find myself

on the brink of suicidal thoughts). Furthermore, the condition for her to

" share " her life with me is for me to " get rid of " my husband. As long as he is

in my life, she will not share anything with me from now on.

> >

> > Going back to the day after my last exam (May 15), I called her in the

morning and asked her how she was. Her response: " Perfectly fine, never better! "

I was relieved and irate at the same time. She had been playing the frail little

old lady card on me for two weeks, almost derailing my exams, and then she was

suddenly " perfect " ?

> >

> > What is ironic is that she claims that I make her angry without regard to

her heart issues, but never mind that I have had heart problems since the age of

4 and she has never once remembered them during her rages (only afterwards she

would sometimes become contrite when she saw how bad a shape I was in, on the

few occasions when I would become so ill that it would make me hysterical and I

would turn blue during her rages). Not to mention that she has no consideration

for my stress level during as important a time in my life as year-end exams.

> >

> > Things were a little bit better in the second half of May, but then at the

end she began spiraling down again. I knew it was coming. The anniversary of my

aunt's (her sister's) death was this week and she has ZERO emotional regulation,

she has absolutely never been able to handle death. Last week she was

practically starving herself and sounding (at least on the phone with me) like

she was two breaths away from passing out (or even away!) any minute. At the end

of last week she got a call from the cardiologist regarding some test (which she

has not revealed to me) they had done – they had the results and needed to

discuss them with her in person. I got more worried, but she was bullying me

still and I was trying not to get sucked into the vortex. Then last Saturday, I

talked to her, and while the conversation itself was terrible (I actually

recorded that conversation and I am glad I did, because at one point I literally

thought maybe I was going CRAZY, because of the illogical things she was saying

- up was down and down was up, I had to go back and listen to the recording

later to be reassured that I hadn't lost it, and I was being perfectly

logical!), what got to me was the fact that she had a bit of a cough. I wasn't

sure if she had a bit of a cold or allergies, but I couldn't help wondering if

it was something with her lung. I had a very fitful night Saturday/Sunday and

barely slept.

> >

> > On Sunday, I caved to my inner softness, called her up and offered to bring

my kids to spend part of their summer vacation with her (they won't finish

school for another week). She perked up immediately, which I had expected. I

know she is really depressed about her sister and I know she is missing my kids

(somewhere amid the BPD madness there is also a fierce, though often twisted,

love, and I know she loves my kids more than life itself, in her own way), so I

was hoping that spending time with the kids would get her past this tough

junction. She told me that she would pay for the kids' plane tickets but NOT for

mine (my mother is wealthy, not Wall Street CEO filthy rich, but very wealthy,

while I am in a totally impecunious state, burdened by massive student loans).

Her reason: if it weren't for my husband being in my life (and in my home), she

would come to MY house, then she could take the kids on a nice vacation to

Florida, California and the Grand Canyon and I wouldn't have to spend any money,

but she'll be damned if she will spend a penny to accommodate my bad life

choices and him. I wouldn't be able to go on vacation with them because school

starts again in July for me, so I would basically take a weekend trip to drop

off the kids with her. I asked her if she felt physically well enough for such

vigorous vacation plans and she insisted that she was fine, and if she felt

unwell she would immediately buy tickets for me to come pick up the kids from

wherever they would be with her. Things seemed to be looking up (never mind the

fact that I was going to have to shell out around $600 for my ticket, I was

willing to do that, to give her a chance to enjoy part of her summer in the

company of my kids – who really are walking rays of sunshine, although I may be

biased in my assessment!

> >

> > I told the kids about these plans on Sunday and they have been excited. Then

for the past 3 days, I tried to pin down some dates with her and work out a good

itinerary. I offered to fly the kids to Orlando (since she was planning to take

them to Disney World, the new Harry Potter park, etc.), then I asked her for a

date (or at least a range) when she would be willing/able to bring them back. My

husband will not be living at home at the end of the summer (we had to move for

me to go to med school and he gave up a great job to support me during this

first year, we had hoped that he would find a job near my school, but so far he

has been unsuccessful locally, and we are barely holding our finances together,

so he will be moving for a new job in August). This whole time she has been

hammering on the fact that she " CANNOT " come to my home to see me or pick up my

kids as long as " HE is there " , since it will cause her to " have a massive heart

attack and die on the spot " . Well, I kept telling her that he would not be here

in August, so she can come bring the kids and stay for a visit. That is not good

enough – as long as he is still in my life then " it is just a charade " . She

refuses to " be kept in a small compartment " in my life (it is not my husband or

I who have a problem with her coming to visit, she can come and go ANY time, he

is even willing to make himself very scarce when she is around (which he has

done in the past)), since this is simply the " continuation of [my] father's

plan " (remember that my father killed himself 15 years ago!). He wanted her to

" be a servant and raise his child " and then " throw her out " of my life, and I

have completed his plan! He was " constantly brainwashing " me and " excluding " her

from my life and HE is the reason why I do not love and respect her. She has

always served everyone, she has been victimized, she has suffered, she has moved

mountains to give me the life of a princess (this would be funny if it weren't

so horribly tragic and I would laugh if I weren't feeling like howling right

now!), and then she has been cast aside because of my father's (the evil

mastermind!) plan to eliminate her from my life. Btw, she is all about personal

responsibility until it becomes about her.

> >

> > I forgot to mention that during our recorded conversation last Saturday she

told me that unless I was going to admit, accept and declare repeatedly that she

is the world's most amazing mother, I don't deserve for her to speak to me.

> >

> > So, my kids talked to her on Monday and my sweet older son drafted a

wonderful itinerary for their vacation. He worked on it for two evenings and

emailed it to her last night. Yesterday evening I made a bunch of reservations

and put tickets on hold. The reservations expired before I could get a straight

answer from her about her preferred dates. So I spent another hour making more

reservations this evening and putting more tickets on hold. Finally, as I was

finalizing everything and getting ready to start purchasing the tickets, she

lost it. She called me every name under the sun – I am a base and venal person,

I don't love her, I have never loved her, I have never respected her, I have

never treated her like a mother, if I were capable of honest reflection then I

would know that she is obviously right, but since I am too blinded and

brainwashed to see the truth I will continue to abuse her, I am a terrible

mother compared to her, I am a ruthless, heartless person devoid of empathy, how

can I even think about being a doctor, I wouldn't care if she had a heart attack

and died right now while talking to me, I probably wouldn't even think about it,

I was continuing my father's abuse of her, I owe her everything and she did

everything for me and sacrificed her life and I am a heartless ingrate, etc.

etc.

> >

> > At this point, my own heart started acting up (I get really bad palpitations

when I am under a lot of stress, my heart starts beating very erratically, this

is not something I openly share with people (except for this wonderful group of

strangers on the internet!), but my mother (along with my husband and my 2 best

friends) knows this about me – she was there when I was a candidate for OPEN

HEART SURGERY at age 5, thankfully I was treated and was able to recover from

the more major issues without needing the surgery! I told her that since I was

such a terrible person and basically replacement of my father in her life it

would be best for us to stop the conversation at this point. She hung up, then

called back and yelled at me 3-4 more times (and hung up each time after she was

done berating me). She hasn't called in the last 30 minutes or so (I had to

interrupt this LONG post several times to answer her calls)… and I am hoping she

won't call any more (at least not tonight, please!).

> >

> > I am tired, I am spent, I am done… I can't keep spinning in this mad vortex

and continue to meet the demands of my own life. I am finally so close to

achieving my dream (I have wanted to be a doctor since I was 4! and amidst all

the drama and trauma, I got so hopelessly derailed that there were times I

thought I would never get to this point). I just finished my first year in

medical school, I have a chance to be who I have been born to be (I know it

sounds cheesy, but I have always felt like medicine is my calling, I know even

most (if not all) of my classmates think that " medicine as a calling " is such a

crazy, " quaint " , idealistic notion, but I do think it is a calling – being able

to put the needs and the well-being of others, most often complete strangers,

above your own, to serve them in their most challenging hour, to hold the

responsibility and the privilege of guarding someone else's health and life, is

deeply meaningful to me). I want to do this for myself, I also want to do this

for my children. I have 3 more years before getting my M.D. and getting my first

job as a resident doctor. I have never been this close and I don't even want to

consider the possibility of not getting there.

> >

> > I know I am already feeling guilty about the fact that I am contemplating

the decision to stop contacting her. I know she will use that decision to skewer

me – she will paint and see me as heartless, abandoning her especially when she

is having health problems. She will never let me forget it or live it down. I

can already feel my resolve weakening and I know I will probably not be able to

go more than a few weeks without finally breaking down and calling her. I also

don't know what to tell my kids. I feel terrible about setting them up for such

disappointment about this vacation (I just can't put any more energy into making

it happen), I wish I hadn't told them about the plan until I knew for sure

(tickets purchased!) that it was going to happen. I don't know where and how to

guide their relationship with their grandmother. I know I will answer her calls

and I will acknowledge her emails. I am also feeling so much grief at the

realization that my relationship with my mother is never going to be healthy. I

miss her and I love her and I want to be happy with her. I want her to love me

more than she hates my husband. I want her to love me more than she hates my

father. I want her to STOP, stop living in the past, stop assuming and relishing

the victim role, stop being so destructively (and self-destructively!)

self-centered. I want her to stop finding fault with everyone and everything. I

want her to learn to forgive and FORGET. I want her to see the world in all its

shades of gray. I want her to stop thinking that it is OK for her to insult

everyone else and to stop walking around with the assumption that everyone

offends, slights, demeans and disrespects her. I want her to stop fixating on

assumptions and wild theories and convincing herself that they are true by

repeating them incessantly (e.g., " your father has programmed you on a cellular

level to hate me " ). And this list can go on and on… but I know none of these

changes will happen, the ugly monster that is BPD is never going to let her go

and is never going to stop torturing her (I know she is tortured and miserable)

and me. I feel so stuck – I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to live

with this and I don't know how to get out of it.

> >

> > For me things are complicated by the fact that I am an only child, and even

more complicated by the fact that I lost my father so tragically (yes, I know

there was nothing I could have done, but knowing and feeling are two different

things), and I feel like my mother knows that she can exploit these weaknesses

of mine.

> >

> > For a couple of years things seemed to be getting better for me (and even

for my mother I think too, objectively, based on other people's observations) –

after I figured out that I wasn't crazy, that the madness was real and even had

a 3-letter acronym, after I read books and joined this group, after I learned

how to set at least a few small but firm boundaries, I felt like I had finally

emerged from a dark and scary place, I felt like I had a handle on things, I was

managing, I was coping, I had even found peace with most of it, but during this

past year things have been spiraling towards the abyss again. I am exhausted, I

can't do this any longer. I have spent 30 years of my life living under

continued emotional and psychological stress and strain… I can't do it any

longer, I am at my wit's end.

> >

> > Thank you for letting me vent. If you have read this far, thank you, thank

you, for your patience and kindness. I am sorry I rambled on for so long.

> >

> > Arianna

> >

>

June 15, 2010

this is very well said and i agree..

Subject: Re: At the end of my rope... (sorry this is long)

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, June 11, 2010, 9:12 PM

Â

I guess because I am in such a framework of childhood trauma right now with all

the insanity going on in my family I just read almost every paragraph in your

post as your mother saying 'you victimized me, you victimized me, you victimized

me.'

It's a small possibility that there is trauma she is projecting that she just

doesn't remember, but it sounds like with your family history there is a good

deal she remembers and is conscious of. You DIDN'T DO IT. YOU WEREN'T THERE.

It's such a tragically cheap cop-out for her to project that undoubtedly heinous

history of hers onto you. You have to be where the buck stops. I think that is

sometimes all you can do in this life. Major kudos for being in medical school,

that is really amazing.

You know what a misdiagnosis is, right? What would you think about a doctor that

knew a patient was misdiagnosed, but continued to treat them for the wrong

diagnosis instead of trying to find the right one? That's pretty unethical, yet

every time you allow your mother to abuse you like this it's what you are doing.

It becomes even more unethical when you find out the patient is actually well,

and the doctor shouldn't be treating them at all. He's just a scam artist, with

bad motives. If you were a doctor and found out about it you wouldn't undertake

a huge search to understand his motives and be empathetic, you'd do your level

best to remove the patient from his care and put a stop to the situation. That's

what you have to do for yourself, and for her. You can't control the rest of it,

only the removing yourself from the situation, which I believe is a spiritual

thing where you say ' I love you so much that I will not allow you to damage

yourself

spiritually by abusing me' and walk away. You can't control what happens after

that.

Congrats on your successes in school and life, it sounds like you have a great

family of your own and a level head on your shoulders.

>

> Here I am sitting crying tonight. I am at my wits end. I sit here wondering