Re: ME ME ME

June 6, 2010

Hi n,

I can understand these troubles you talk about in trying to raise your children.

I think it haunts most of us here ~ whether or not we are hurting our kids the

way in which we were hurt. I feel it is unavoidable to *not* hurt our children

in some ways; but what I have always tried to do, and this is just *me*, is that

I've kept a close affectionate relationship with my son. When I do something I

think is wrong or hurtful, I tell him that I am sorry, but in a normal way (not

the scary way my mom would do it, by sobbing and seeming desperate). I tell him

that I am not perfect, no one is, and I make mistakes.

At the same time when he does something I think is unkind or disrespecting of

me, I tell him so. Of course there were many many nights I felt guilty for

something I said or didn't say; and it was probably totally unrealistic

expectations on myself that made me feel that way. And it was mostly when he

was in his first ten years or so.

Sometimes I made it clear to him that I was at the end of my rope with dealing

with him, and we sort of joke now when we are bitching at each other. I would

own it though, and tell him I was crabby or upset about something. But

sometimes it was *him*.

It was never perfect, it never is. But you know, I have a fifteen year old boy

that still hugs me and we lay down together on his bed to watch *Lost*, so I

feel that I didn't too bad with him. I think that if you are afraid of becoming

your mom, you most likely won't But believe me, I have been afraid of that

all my life (not anymore, just in little pieces).

~patricia

ps...I am horrible with boundaries and my son definitely plays me, but we are

able to pretty much have a good life together.

ME ME ME

I have been NC with my NADA since the day after my 18Th bday , except for a

few short times of trying to work on having a relationship which never lasted

more than 90 days and always ended badly. Except for my brother I have almost no

contact with the rest of my family due to my Nada's sabotaging.

In allot of ways I have gotten over my childhood but it keep coming back even

with NC .When I feel secure I know my Nada was and is crazy , but since my kids

are reaching the age, 9 and 10, that my abuse started to escalate at , I have

started to second guess every action I make and feeling I have . Its to a point

that I feel guilty for composing this post because its all about " ME ME ME " ,

just like my mother .

I hear myself quoting a phrase or two that she used , and instantly began to

question every decision I make as a parent .If I make them do chores I wonder if

I'm pushing to hard like she did , if they complain I point out how much harder

many other people have or had it , including myself . I find myself frequently

distancing myself emotionally from my kids because I'm scared that I might

without intention say something that hurts them without knowing it , and

question where the line is between teaching them humility and discipline , and

doing harm .Some of those lines are clear and I would never cross them as she

did , but Knowing that many of the most harmful things she said to me were just

passing phrases and even had allot of truth to them makes me terrified of making

the slightest comment .

My Nada was wrongfully diagnosed as manic depressive , now called bipolar,

after her first suicide attempt, years before I was born .This being a

hereditary biological disorder I have always feared it was just a matter of time

until I become a monster . With a great deal of research I am now sure it is BPD

which is believed to be more enviermental than biological , although they don't

really know for sure from what I've read. Becoming my mother is and always has

been my greatest fear . Is that fear founded? Or do I simply not know the

appropriate places to draw boundary's because I never learned how as a child ?

marion

ps , 12 year since i left my Nada and i wont even use my real name here

because she might find it and use it to try and hurt me OMG will I ever feel

completely safe from her.

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June 6, 2010

n,

If your mother has BPD, I don't think you need to fear becoming

like her at all. BPD does seem to have a fairly strong genetic

component, but people who have it show signs long before they

have kids who are 9 and 10. From the stories I've heard, my nada

exhibited signs of it in her early teens. My uncle talks about

her controlling the whole family with her tantrums at 12 or 13.

It isn't something that just crops up once you're an adult. If

you can worry about whether you have BPD, that pretty much rules

out having BPD.

It is far more likely that you don't know how to act like a good

mother because you don't have personal experience with having

one. I say you should trust your gut instincts when it comes to

being a mother. Don't overthink what you're doing and don't

think that the goal is to totally avoid hurting your kids

emotionally. You pretty much have to hurt them at times to be a

good mother. There are going to be times when you can't let them

have what they want because what they want isn't good for them.

They'll feel hurt. That's not a bad. Kids who get everything

they want often expect to be given everything they want for

their entire lives. That's not a good thing. Kids need to be

told " no " when appropriate. They need to hear some criticism so

that they can improve what needs improving and develop as

people. Mothers should be authority figures to their children

first, not buddies. That's not to say that you don't want to

have a loving, friendly relationship with your children, just

that you need to be a source of authority and discipline.

Children will push on their boundaries while growing up. You

need to push back appropriately. They need that, even if not

getting what they try to get hurts a bit.

It is good to remember that much of the hurt that our nadas did

to us happened because the things they said were said over and

over again whether they were appropriate or not along with the

things that should have been said not getting said. Some of the

things nadas say are never appropriate but many of them are

problems because they're misused, not because they're always

wrong to say. Saying some of the same things occasionally, in

appropriate circumstances is not going to have the same harmful

effect. For example, if one of your children does something

seriously wrong, you might find yourself saying " I'm

disappointed in you " . Said on a daily basis by a nada who never

offers praise when it is due, that phrase can be very damaging.

Said by a normal mother after a child does something

particularly disappointing, it is appropriate, especially when

that mother freely praises her children when they do well.

At 12:19 PM 06/06/2010 marionlibrarian42 wrote:

> I have been NC with my NADA since the day after my 18Th bday

> , except for a few short times of trying to work on having a

> relationship which never lasted more than 90 days and always

> ended badly. Except for my brother I have almost no contact

> with the rest of my family due to my Nada's sabotaging.

> In allot of ways I have gotten over my childhood but it keep

> coming back even with NC .When I feel secure I know my Nada

> was and is crazy , but since my kids are reaching the age, 9

> and 10, that my abuse started to escalate at , I have started

> to second guess every action I make and feeling I have . Its

> to a point that I feel guilty for composing this post because

> its all about " ME ME ME " , just like my mother .

> I hear myself quoting a phrase or two that she used , and

> instantly began to question every decision I make as a parent

> .If I make them do chores I wonder if I'm pushing to hard like

> she did , if they complain I point out how much harder many

> other people have or had it , including myself . I find myself

> frequently distancing myself emotionally from my kids because

> I'm scared that I might without intention say something that

> hurts them without knowing it , and question where the line is

> between teaching them humility and discipline , and doing harm

> .Some of those lines are clear and I would never cross them as

> she did , but Knowing that many of the most harmful things she

> said to me were just passing phrases and even had allot of

> truth to them makes me terrified of making the slightest

> comment .

> My Nada was wrongfully diagnosed as manic depressive , now

> called bipolar, after her first suicide attempt, years before

> I was born .This being a hereditary biological disorder I have

> always feared it was just a matter of time until I become a

> monster . With a great deal of research I am now sure it is

> BPD which is believed to be more enviermental than biological

> , although they don't really know for sure from what I've

> read. Becoming my mother is and always has been my greatest

> fear . Is that fear founded? Or do I simply not know the

> appropriate places to draw boundary's because I never learned

> how as a child ?

>

>marion

>

>ps , 12 year since i left my Nada and i wont even use my real

>name here because she might find it and use it to try and hurt

>me OMG will I ever feel completely safe from her.

--

Katrina

June 7, 2010

n relax. I assure you that you will not suddenly become a borderline. Like

the other poster wrote, the very fact that you're worried about being BPD and

posting your fears on this board is proof that you're not BPD yourself. Feel

better?

Ok, as far as parenting you're probably doing just fine. If you're really unsure

of yourself as a parent, why not see a counsellor who is familiar with BPD? If

nothing else, to validate your point of view and offer insights into why you

feel so anxious... You're a daughter of BPD so no WONDER you feel this way. That

makes sense to me!

You sound like a perfectly rational, and reasonable person to me so I honestly

think you are probably doing just fine as a parent. Your children are old enough

to communicate their opinions with you so here's an idea. Sit down with each of

them privately and ask them each what it's like having you as a mother. Reassure

them first that you want them to be honest and that there's no repercussions

whatsoever. Try listening carefully, and not offering feedback. When they stop

speaking, ask them if there's more to add with that. " Is there anything else

with that " that's the language my counsellor uses with me. When the conversation

is over, loving reassurance for whatever they said is in order, and thanking

them also.

Try and Google 'reflective listening' techniques, this might help open the lines

of communication with your children if you feel emotionally detached sometimes.

I am not a parent but I have had my share of BPD drama and abuse so I sincerely

hope this helps, even a little.

Hugs from HF

June 7, 2010

Thank you all so much . It helps more than I can say.

>

> n relax. I assure you that you will not suddenly become a borderline.

Like the other poster wrote, the very fact that you're worried about being BPD

and posting your fears on this board is proof that you're not BPD yourself. Feel

better?

>

> Ok, as far as parenting you're probably doing just fine. If you're really

unsure of yourself as a parent, why not see a counsellor who is familiar with

BPD? If nothing else, to validate your point of view and offer insights into why

you feel so anxious... You're a daughter of BPD so no WONDER you feel this way.

That makes sense to me!

>

> You sound like a perfectly rational, and reasonable person to me so I honestly