ME ME ME

[Guest guest]

I have been NC with my NADA since the day after my 18Th bday , except for a

few short times of trying to work on having a relationship which never lasted

more than 90 days and always ended badly. Except for my brother I have almost no

contact with the rest of my family due to my Nada's sabotaging.

In allot of ways I have gotten over my childhood but it keep coming back even

with NC .When I feel secure I know my Nada was and is crazy , but since my kids

are reaching the age, 9 and 10, that my abuse started to escalate at , I have

started to second guess every action I make and feeling I have . Its to a point

that I feel guilty for composing this post because its all about " ME ME ME " ,

just like my mother .

I hear myself quoting a phrase or two that she used , and instantly began to

question every decision I make as a parent .If I make them do chores I wonder if

I'm pushing to hard like she did , if they complain I point out how much harder

many other people have or had it , including myself . I find myself frequently

distancing myself emotionally from my kids because I'm scared that I might

without intention say something that hurts them without knowing it , and

question where the line is between teaching them humility and discipline , and

doing harm .Some of those lines are clear and I would never cross them as she

did , but Knowing that many of the most harmful things she said to me were just

passing phrases and even had allot of truth to them makes me terrified of making

the slightest comment .

My Nada was wrongfully diagnosed as manic depressive , now called bipolar,

after her first suicide attempt, years before I was born .This being a

hereditary biological disorder I have always feared it was just a matter of time

until I become a monster . With a great deal of research I am now sure it is BPD

which is believed to be more enviermental than biological , although they don't

really know for sure from what I've read. Becoming my mother is and always has

been my greatest fear . Is that fear founded? Or do I simply not know the

appropriate places to draw boundary's because I never learned how as a child ?

marion

ps , 12 year since i left my Nada and i wont even use my real name here because

she might find it and use it to try and hurt me OMG will I ever feel completely

safe from her.