Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 just stop giving in to her...dont do what she tells you to do unless thats what you want also..dont let her boss you around...stand up for yourself ....you have a mind of your own, start using it :-) Jackie I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Landgirl, Congratulations on taking the first step! It is a long and painful road filled with guilt and grieving. I recently read a quote that said something like " one only changes and takes the risk of the unknown when anything will be better than the current situation. " I think the best thing about coming to the painful realization that you didn't have the childhood/adulthood that you deserve is it allows you to learn more about yourself and fix any fleas you may have acquired. When I finally put it together that my nada had bpd I went through a period of depression and mourning- mourning the childhood I never had, mourning the relationships I would never have with my family, mourning future holidays that I would spend alone, mourning the big wedding that I can't afford on my own. It's ok to spend time mourning your losses, it's completely normal. Finding out this reality is a huge loss. After you have spent time mourning, I found " Understanding the Borderline Mother " to be very helpful with starting to create boundaries. Reading more about BPD is painful, but it helps you to understand why these difficult steps are so important. As you transition to setting boundaries you'll be able to determine how much contact is right for you. It will be very painful but remember: your nada will never get better without professional help. never ever let her convince you otherwise. And I too gravitate towards people that need help. Some of these friends have turned out to be my best friends, and others have turned out to be negative energy that only take and don't give. Just make sure that your relationships are equal and that you get something out of them. As much as I love my friends, I now realize no one is looking out for me. I have to make sure I look out for my best interest because no one else is going to take care of me. That has led me to seek therapy, medical care, switch careers, and get rid of toxic friends. You have to take ownership of your life because your nada is not capable of looking out for your best interest. Congrats on getting engaged!! I hope that your fiance is a source of support and he will be one of the few people who are looking out for you. These are major changes but think of it this way: you have had to deal with abuse and a toxic environment and the one positive that can come out of it now is to end the cycle. Change things with your nada to protect your fiance (because she will attack him and try to get in the middle of your marriage) and to protect your future kids if you are planning on having any. Good luck, it is a hard road but well well worth it. > > I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. > > Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Leave wonderland one foot in front of the other and don't look back. I am 58 nada 81 and found out last yr she has BPD . I have read walking on eggshells and surviving.living with a BPD parent. Explained so much. Life was HELL as a kid. (for years I convinced myself it wasn't that bad and the emotional abuse nada imposed was deserving/ bs how can a kid deserve that ) I too grieve for that child that had to parent nada. I have been very resentful/ anxious/ anddepressed lately. working through the pain. My youngest son is moving out today under good circumstances. I have been a caregiver FOREVER/ have worked as an X-Ray tech 41 yrs. (notice how many of us with BPD parents go into helping professions) Am spent and used up So one foot in front of the other is how I go. Back on anti depressant. Leaving sugar/flour/ wheat out of my diet (really seems to help my mood) and attending a face to face coda support groupl/ Life will get better. Blessings, /Illinois ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 11:35:20 AM Subject: Re: Enmeshed  just stop giving in to her...dont do what she tells you to do unless thats what you want also..dont let her boss you around...stand up for yourself ....you have a mind of your own, start using it :-) Jackie I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Landgirl - I'd second that - it IS a journey. You know the old joke about the tourist in New York who asks, " How do you get to Carnegie Hall? " - and the New Yorker replies, " Practice! " That's the answer, I think. You figure out what your strategies are going to be (with the help of reading and therapy if you can get it), and then you practice the strategic steps, mindfully, over and over, until they become a new way of behaving toward Nada, yourself, and everyone else in your life. And when you fail (as must happen, from time to time), you forgive yourself, pick yourself up, and start practicing again. > > > > I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. > > > > Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 well as you already know it isn't easy.. as you say, you are used to  being in wonderland all your life living 'her' life and (non)'pleasing' her .. but you can do it anyways! yes you can climb out of the rabbit hole if you decide you want it enuf and have a little help.  along the way you may meet some wonderful people who will actually respect you for who you really are and for what you really want.  good luck!ann Subject: Enmeshed To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Saturday, June 12, 2010, 12:58 AM  I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 wow, that is profound: " I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. " That is my role, from a far back as I can remember. What kind of freaking monster does that to a child, anyway... " here I am so forlorn and emotionally screwed up, come here, little six or seven year old girl, let me dump this adult sickness and dysfunction all over you and let's see if you can fix it and make mommy all better. " Seriously, WTF??? It really triggered a spot of anger when I read that. I have nieces and nephews aged 1 to 7 and I can't imagine ever dumping the crapola and garbage on them that my mother dumped on me when I was a child. In what freaking reality is that appropriate...To her credit she has admitted her wrongs *then* but she still expects it to this day and acts passive aggressive if I don't give her the support she wants when she wants it. Sigh... I'm not sure it's ever appropriate, she needs her own friends and a gaggle of shrinks and she has never 'gone there' she just exploits her children emotionally and puts down behind their backs the ones that aren't being 'supportive' enough of her. Puke. Thanks for your post, that was really enlightening. I'm not sure how we do it, leave the crazy-land, except for getting help from other KO's and at least defining reality, normalcy, healthy behaviors, etc, and shooting for those, and trying to leave the other stuff behind. > > I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. > > Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 Congrats Landgirl for starting to set boundaries. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but I think we can ALL relate because we all have been there. I can relate to being emmeshed...in fact I was just talking about that to my therapist. My nada and I had the same doctor, job, hair stylist, zip code, friends, etc. When I started removing myself, it completely changed everything in my life. I think that it was very profound that you said " She was and has always been my best friend....I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. " Thanks for this! This was an excellent observation! I'm NC and had a lot of guilt at first because I told myself " What is my nada going to do without me? How did this happen to us? We were so close! " But this quote really helped me put it into perspective. I agree with the other posts. Start doing what you WANT to do rather than what she TELLS you to do. This might be hard because you won't know what that is yet....and of course your nada is going to get super angry so be ready for it. But once you get through the grieving and the loss of it all, a whole new, wonderful world awaits you. AJ > > I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole. > > Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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