Should I invite Nada to my wedding

[Guest guest]

Hi Guys,

Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages within

myself

Any advice

Thanks x

[Guest guest]

,

Nadas are infamous for behaving horribly at weddings. They

generally don't like to let anyone else be the center of

attention, so weddings really set them off. Your wedding day

should be about you and your husband, not your nada. I don't

think I'd invite her if I were in your position.

At 05:31 PM 06/08/2010 Newton wrote:

>Hi Guys,

>

>Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

>I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know

>whether or not to invite nada to my wedding???

>

>I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week

>to test the waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back

>in again.

>

>I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have

>mixed messages within myself

>

>Any advice

>

>Thanks x

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

only if you want her there, with her high dramas, and probablity of taking

over the whole production!! If I could do it ove, I would have eloped, just

to avoid nadas controal/drama of my wedding

Jackie

Hi Guys,

Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

Any advice

Thanks x

[Guest guest]

Imagine the worst case senario, and then decide if you can handle that

possibility. What will she drama about?

SHE could take the role of the mother of the bride, and be somewhat normal,

basking in that light. But if you don't think she can BE out of the spotlight,

I'd skip it.

OR, I suppose you could lay down the law and put someone you trust on her. She

starts acting up, that person can escort her off the property.

For the record. I did not invite my mother to my wedding and I have no regrets.

Hell, I didn't want my dishrag dad to walk me down the aisle, I wanted my

grandfather who was more of a father to me do it. But the husband thought I was

being immature about it. Now that he knows my dad more, he kinda wishes that I

had my grandpa do it too. LOL!

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on getting engaged!

I went through this same decision three years ago when I got married. Weddings

are always bad, because that is the time most girls have their mothers around to

help them pick out a dress, do their hair and makeup, etc. And that's all we

were doing, because there was no money for things like invitations or a big

wedding.

I would ask myself how nada has acted lately. In my case, my brother and his

wife were living with nada just previous to that, and she was angry because she

was off taking care of my grandmother a lot and they had totally messed up the

house and weren't cleaning up after themselves. Plus, she had a lot of issues

with the new daughter-in-law. She said she felt snubbed, and such like.

Instead of taking up these issues with them, she went around badmouthing them

all over town, and I mean ALL over town. She sent my brother ugly emails at

work (the Sheriff's department, no less, which keeps all the emails it

receives.) She complained on and on and on to me, my grandparents, and my

stepfather, and it was her main topic of conversation.

I was in the middle of trying to decide how to handle contact with her at this

time, in that pleasantly confused state of thinking which insists, " If I do

something differently she will have to get better. "

We had two separate conversations about this. I had rehearsed and rehearsed.

The first one took place in a restaurant we took my grandmother to while my

grandfather was in the hospital. I told my mother that she needed to handle her

problems with the cleaning directly with my brother and his wife, and that some

of the other issues I had talked to my brother about, and they sounded like

misunderstandings that needed to be talked out.

My grandmother was sitting right there and heard everything I said. Nobody

wept, nobody bawled, and nobody thought it was bad.

The next conversation took place on the telephone. I was at home, and she was

staying over at my grandparents' house. When my grandparents were not listening

on the line to verify everything that was said, she got off the phone and told

them I had said awful things to her, and then had a borderline meltdown and

cried most of the night to them about how mean I was. Then she wrote me an ugly

letter about it.

I had said exactly the same things I said in the restaurant. The most telling

thing about it was she kept telling me I said the house was not dirty, when I

agreed with her on the phone and in the restaurant that it was. I counted the

number of times I said it: four.

Right about here was when I first really understood that I was not imagining it;

there really was something very serious wrong.

I felt really uncomfortable inviting her to the wedding after this thing that

she had done. Not only had she upset my grandparents when my grandfather was

just out of the hospital and she was supposed to be there helping them, but she

had badmouthed me to them, saying things that were completely untrue. She kept

sending me mail and sending me mail, and I stopped opening them. Once she

disguised her handwriting and didn't put a return address, but I had seen her

write like that before, and I didn't open that one, either.

Meanwhile, I am getting pressure from all quarters to " Invite her to the

wedding, she's your mother. " How am I supposed to invite her to the wedding and

enjoy my wedding with that going on?? But I felt guilted into it, and finally,

I sent her an email and invited her. (Well...actually what I sent was a

forwarded copy of our writer's group newsletter announcing the wedding. My

husband and I met in a writer's group, and we decided to get married at a group

meeting and hold the wedding in a bookstore. Our group leader sent out an email

to everyone letting them know and inviting them to come.)

She maintains she wasn't invited, from what I hear from family members. Whether

the email didn't show up in her inbox because a spam filter pitched it, or she

just didn't recognize the sender and didn't open it, or she didn't consider

herself invited because it wasn't directed specifically at her, I don't know.

The upshot of the whole matter was I spent the day sweating it out, wondering if

she was going to show up and how she was going to act, and she didn't show. The

wedding went well and I was very happy and relieved she didn't show up.

Anyway, this is my experience. If she had been acting more normal before the

wedding, I probably would have invited her and things probably would have gone

well. But as it was, I think it all turned out for the best.

P.S., I should have said girlfriend up there, since my brother and his wife

hadn't gotten married yet while all this was going on. They got married a few

days before we did and they didn't invite her either, if that tells you anything

about the extent of the bad feelings. After this my brother and I decided to

visit a counselor to see how to approach our mother about getting help. There

is a BPD clinic with a nationally recognized expert, whose books are recommended

on this site, right up the road from me. Unfortunately they wanted $256 an hour

for us to go, and having just paid for weddings and having very little money

anyway, neither of us could cough up that much.

While we were working on this, somebody in the family blabbed. I don't know if

it was my brother or my grandmother, or possibly an aunt, but the message that

came back to me through my grandmother was that my mother thought nothing was

wrong with her and she wasn't going to any therapist. I had been LC for a while

and was seriously considering NC. I thought this development made my decision a

whole lot easier. So did my husband.

I would also like to note that while planning this trip to a therapist, I spoke

to members of the family I hadn't spoken to in a while, asking questions about

my mother. I learned a lot of disturbing information, that she had

misrepresented a lot of things to me that had happened to her/she had complained

about, and the true state of affairs was reported very differently to someone

else. My uncle also told me that my aunt told him my mother had sexually abused

her when they were growing up. Due to circumstances surrounding this, I totally

believe my aunt. This was when I made the big NC decision with no guilt,

because someone who's made a career out of blasting my grandfather for doing the

same thing to her while she's hiding/dissociating from this is never, never

going to accept personal responsibility for anything. And she never has, for

anything in her life. So I realized the possibility for improvement was

absolutely nil, and I wasn't willing to continue contact with her under those

conditions.

Longwinded, but I hope it helps in some way.

--.

[Guest guest]

My mother (from the time I was 5) told me " some girls can never get married.

They have to stay home and take care of their mothers. " If that is not the

sickest, self absorbed thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is.

The problem I found had an easier solution than I thought. The problem, I

think, is the Nada feels the abandonment issues come up. They are being left.

I started to talk to her like a child...not down to her. But, you know how you

prepare a child for their first trip to the dentist...explain what will happen,

Dentist will look in their mouth, and look at the teeth. He might take a

picture of them. And that it will be okay. " You don't bring up shots or future

problems in future visits. Just the basics.

Explain, that you are going to do this...it is your right to marry and have a

family as everyone else. Then, I started to talk to her a little bit here and

there. Not for long amounts of minutes, and not with much emotion...just giving

her thoughts...talking about the positives.

" Now, you may feel lonely about my getting married. You have many friends..many

more than I do. You can call them and do things with them more and more. I'm

not leaving you. I am going to get married. This makes changes for both of us.

You can do this. " It was amazingly helpful.

>

> Congratulations on getting engaged!

>

> I went through this same decision three years ago when I got married.

Weddings are always bad, because that is the time most girls have their mothers

around to help them pick out a dress, do their hair and makeup, etc. And that's

all we were doing, because there was no money for things like invitations or a

big wedding.

>

> I would ask myself how nada has acted lately. In my case, my brother and his

wife were living with nada just previous to that, and she was angry because she

was off taking care of my grandmother a lot and they had totally messed up the

house and weren't cleaning up after themselves. Plus, she had a lot of issues

with the new daughter-in-law. She said she felt snubbed, and such like.

>

> Instead of taking up these issues with them, she went around badmouthing them

all over town, and I mean ALL over town. She sent my brother ugly emails at

work (the Sheriff's department, no less, which keeps all the emails it

receives.) She complained on and on and on to me, my grandparents, and my

stepfather, and it was her main topic of conversation.

>

> I was in the middle of trying to decide how to handle contact with her at this

time, in that pleasantly confused state of thinking which insists, " If I do

something differently she will have to get better. "

>

> We had two separate conversations about this. I had rehearsed and rehearsed.

The first one took place in a restaurant we took my grandmother to while my

grandfather was in the hospital. I told my mother that she needed to handle her

problems with the cleaning directly with my brother and his wife, and that some

of the other issues I had talked to my brother about, and they sounded like

misunderstandings that needed to be talked out.

>

> My grandmother was sitting right there and heard everything I said. Nobody

wept, nobody bawled, and nobody thought it was bad.

>

> The next conversation took place on the telephone. I was at home, and she was

staying over at my grandparents' house. When my grandparents were not listening

on the line to verify everything that was said, she got off the phone and told

them I had said awful things to her, and then had a borderline meltdown and

cried most of the night to them about how mean I was. Then she wrote me an ugly

letter about it.

>

> I had said exactly the same things I said in the restaurant. The most telling

thing about it was she kept telling me I said the house was not dirty, when I

agreed with her on the phone and in the restaurant that it was. I counted the

number of times I said it: four.

>

> Right about here was when I first really understood that I was not imagining

it; there really was something very serious wrong.

>

> I felt really uncomfortable inviting her to the wedding after this thing that

she had done. Not only had she upset my grandparents when my grandfather was

just out of the hospital and she was supposed to be there helping them, but she

had badmouthed me to them, saying things that were completely untrue. She kept

sending me mail and sending me mail, and I stopped opening them. Once she

disguised her handwriting and didn't put a return address, but I had seen her

write like that before, and I didn't open that one, either.

>

> Meanwhile, I am getting pressure from all quarters to " Invite her to the

wedding, she's your mother. " How am I supposed to invite her to the wedding and

enjoy my wedding with that going on?? But I felt guilted into it, and finally,

I sent her an email and invited her. (Well...actually what I sent was a

forwarded copy of our writer's group newsletter announcing the wedding. My

husband and I met in a writer's group, and we decided to get married at a group

meeting and hold the wedding in a bookstore. Our group leader sent out an email

to everyone letting them know and inviting them to come.)

>

> She maintains she wasn't invited, from what I hear from family members.

Whether the email didn't show up in her inbox because a spam filter pitched it,

or she just didn't recognize the sender and didn't open it, or she didn't

consider herself invited because it wasn't directed specifically at her, I don't

know. The upshot of the whole matter was I spent the day sweating it out,

wondering if she was going to show up and how she was going to act, and she

didn't show. The wedding went well and I was very happy and relieved she didn't

show up.

>

> Anyway, this is my experience. If she had been acting more normal before the

wedding, I probably would have invited her and things probably would have gone

well. But as it was, I think it all turned out for the best.

>

> P.S., I should have said girlfriend up there, since my brother and his wife

hadn't gotten married yet while all this was going on. They got married a few

days before we did and they didn't invite her either, if that tells you anything

about the extent of the bad feelings. After this my brother and I decided to

visit a counselor to see how to approach our mother about getting help. There

is a BPD clinic with a nationally recognized expert, whose books are recommended

on this site, right up the road from me. Unfortunately they wanted $256 an hour

for us to go, and having just paid for weddings and having very little money

anyway, neither of us could cough up that much.

>

> While we were working on this, somebody in the family blabbed. I don't know

if it was my brother or my grandmother, or possibly an aunt, but the message

that came back to me through my grandmother was that my mother thought nothing

was wrong with her and she wasn't going to any therapist. I had been LC for a

while and was seriously considering NC. I thought this development made my

decision a whole lot easier. So did my husband.

>

> I would also like to note that while planning this trip to a therapist, I

spoke to members of the family I hadn't spoken to in a while, asking questions

about my mother. I learned a lot of disturbing information, that she had

misrepresented a lot of things to me that had happened to her/she had complained

about, and the true state of affairs was reported very differently to someone

else. My uncle also told me that my aunt told him my mother had sexually abused

her when they were growing up. Due to circumstances surrounding this, I totally

believe my aunt. This was when I made the big NC decision with no guilt,

because someone who's made a career out of blasting my grandfather for doing the

same thing to her while she's hiding/dissociating from this is never, never

going to accept personal responsibility for anything. And she never has, for

anything in her life. So I realized the possibility for improvement was

absolutely nil, and I wasn't willing to continue contact with her under those

conditions.

>

> Longwinded, but I hope it helps in some way.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

If your NC now's not the time to back off. I had two weddings, one with her

there, one without. The first was a nightmare wedding, nightmare marriage, and

nightmare divorce. (She is in no way responsible for all the nightmares, except

the weddidng part, that was him) The second was perfect, still is. Use your

best judgement.

> >

> > Hi Guys,

> >

> > Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

> >

> > I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

> >

> > I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

> >

> > I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

> >

> > Any advice

> >

> > Thanks x

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

OMG that IS awful to tell any child !!

Jackie

My mother (from the time I was 5) told me " some girls can never get married.

They have to stay home and take care of their mothers. " If that is not the

sickest, self absorbed thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is.

The problem I found had an easier solution than I thought. The problem, I

think, is the Nada feels the abandonment issues come up. They are being

left.

I started to talk to her like a child...not down to her. But, you know how

you prepare a child for their first trip to the dentist...explain what will

happen, Dentist will look in their mouth, and look at the teeth. He might

take a picture of them. And that it will be okay. " You don't bring up shots

or future problems in future visits. Just the basics.

Explain, that you are going to do this...it is your right to marry and have

a family as everyone else. Then, I started to talk to her a little bit here

and there. Not for long amounts of minutes, and not with much

emotion...just giving her thoughts...talking about the positives.

" Now, you may feel lonely about my getting married. You have many

friends..many more than I do. You can call them and do things with them more

and more. I'm not leaving you. I am going to get married. This makes

changes for both of us. You can do this. " It was amazingly helpful.

[Guest guest]

Congrats. ! I agree with the PP's suggestion of imagining the worst case

scenario and deciding if you can handle it.

Also, one thing that helped me was asking my 2 oldest friends (both bridesmaids)

to serve as bouncers between nada and me for the day. It was a huge help and she

only had one outburst when we were outside doing pictures and she screamed at us

to wrap it up to go inside for dinner. Not a bad outcome!

Wishing you well!

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

First, congratuations!

I faced the same dilemma myself this year. I have been NC for a year, my

wedding took place last month.

My advice is this:

There is no perfect answer to this nada/wedding dilemma. Whichever you choose,

there will be a downside.

1. If you invite her, you face the possibility that she will wreck your day, and

the certainty that you will lie awake with worry that she will wreck your day.

More importantly than the day itself is the aftermath - you will have broken

your NC and you will have her back in your life.

2. If you don't invite her, you will have to take responsibility for taking a

decision which is unusual and which you will have to explain to confused

bystanders. You might feel doubtful or even guilty about your decision, since

you will have done something inherently hurtful, even if for good reason. You

will also have to do things like buying a dress without your mother - this made

me feel sorry for myself, even though I had friends around me to help.

Whether you choose 1 or 2, you will not be able have what most people expect - a

happy mother looking proudly on at you on your wedding day.

I decided that option 2 was by far the lesser of the two evils - I didn't invite

and I remain NC.

But my point is this: whichever you choose / have chosen, don't beat yourself up

about it. Neither is a perfect solution, both have negative side effects. You

should just do your best to make the decision that is best (least worst?) for

you, and then try to feel strong about having made it. Whatever downsides you

end up having to deal with are not your fault - there was no option 3.

In either case, and whatever happens on the day, the future is you and your

husband. Congratulations!!

Kate

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

congrats on the upcoming wedding :-)

you have to first think, do you want nada there..not the way you want nada

to be, but the way she actually IS ( of course we'd all love to have a

normal mom at our weddings, but we dont get that option) then go from

there...

Jackie

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not

> to invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

> waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

> within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

[Guest guest]

I really think that a wedding is probably not the place to break NC, that is

just my personal opinion. You can give her an opportunity to be in your life

again if you want later on, but this is YOUR day. I posted on here a while back

about Bethenny el talking about this on her show, she didn't invite her

mother because apparently her mother has bpd or something very similar. (she is

on the NY real housewives and now has her own show). I thought it was great she

is famous and spoke openly about it on her show as to why she didn't invite her

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Learn from my experience.....I got married 2 years ago and my nada completely

ruined my wedding!! From the planning to the wedding... She didn't like the

flowers or guest list, she thought I spent too much time talking to my " future

in-laws " at the wedding and thought I spent too much time on the other side of

the room!

Bottom line, if I had to do it over, I wouldn't have had her there. I wasn't NC

at the time (but the rage my nada went into the night before the wedding should

have started my NC). Live and learn.

I agree with what everyone else says: Don't invite her expecting to have this

terrific mother bless you on your special day. If you don't decide to invite

her, don't worry about what people will say because they will talk no matter

what. Its better for them to talk about what they don't see instead about what

they do.

Good luck.

AJ

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My mother used to accuse me of spending too much time with my inlaws too. So

weird.

As a matter of fact, she accused me of spending too much time with anyone that

wasn't her!

Re: Should I invite Nada to my wedding

Learn from my experience.....I got married 2 years ago and my nada completely

ruined my wedding!! From the planning to the wedding... She didn't like the

flowers or guest list, she thought I spent too much time talking to my " future

in-laws " at the wedding and thought I spent too much time on the other side of

the room!

Bottom line, if I had to do it over, I wouldn't have had her there. I wasn't NC

at the time (but the rage my nada went into the night before the wedding should

have started my NC). Live and learn.

I agree with what everyone else says: Don't invite her expecting to have this

terrific mother bless you on your special day. If you don't decide to invite

her, don't worry about what people will say because they will talk no matter

what. Its better for them to talk about what they don't see instead about what

they do.

Good luck.

AJ

>

> Hi Guys,

>

> Well the date has been set for my wedding, 30th July!!!!!

>

> I am sooo happy, although feel a bit torn, as I dont know whether or not to

invite nada to my wedding???

>

> I have been NC from her for a year now, I called her last week to test the

waters, but it seemed she tried to hoover me back in again.

>

> I really do not know what to do regarding this one, I have mixed messages

within myself

>

> Any advice

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

same here on your last sentence!!

Jackie

My mother used to accuse me of spending too much time with my inlaws too. So

weird.

As a matter of fact, she accused me of spending too much time with anyone

that wasn't her!

[Guest guest]

I just laughed out loud when I read your quotes about speaking to your mother

about your wedding. OMG. Why is that so funny?

> >

> > Congratulations on getting engaged!

> >

> > I went through this same decision three years ago when I got married.

Weddings are always bad, because that is the time most girls have their mothers

around to help them pick out a dress, do their hair and makeup, etc. And that's

all we were doing, because there was no money for things like invitations or a

big wedding.

> >

> > I would ask myself how nada has acted lately. In my case, my brother and

his wife were living with nada just previous to that, and she was angry because

she was off taking care of my grandmother a lot and they had totally messed up

the house and weren't cleaning up after themselves. Plus, she had a lot of

issues with the new daughter-in-law. She said she felt snubbed, and such like.

> >

> > Instead of taking up these issues with them, she went around badmouthing

them all over town, and I mean ALL over town. She sent my brother ugly emails

at work (the Sheriff's department, no less, which keeps all the emails it

receives.) She complained on and on and on to me, my grandparents, and my

stepfather, and it was her main topic of conversation.

> >

> > I was in the middle of trying to decide how to handle contact with her at

this time, in that pleasantly confused state of thinking which insists, " If I do

something differently she will have to get better. "

> >

> > We had two separate conversations about this. I had rehearsed and

rehearsed. The first one took place in a restaurant we took my grandmother to

while my grandfather was in the hospital. I told my mother that she needed to

handle her problems with the cleaning directly with my brother and his wife, and

that some of the other issues I had talked to my brother about, and they sounded

like misunderstandings that needed to be talked out.

> >

> > My grandmother was sitting right there and heard everything I said. Nobody

wept, nobody bawled, and nobody thought it was bad.

> >

> > The next conversation took place on the telephone. I was at home, and she

was staying over at my grandparents' house. When my grandparents were not

listening on the line to verify everything that was said, she got off the phone

and told them I had said awful things to her, and then had a borderline meltdown

and cried most of the night to them about how mean I was. Then she wrote me an

ugly letter about it.

> >

> > I had said exactly the same things I said in the restaurant. The most

telling thing about it was she kept telling me I said the house was not dirty,

when I agreed with her on the phone and in the restaurant that it was. I

counted the number of times I said it: four.

> >

> > Right about here was when I first really understood that I was not imagining

it; there really was something very serious wrong.

> >

> > I felt really uncomfortable inviting her to the wedding after this thing

that she had done. Not only had she upset my grandparents when my grandfather

was just out of the hospital and she was supposed to be there helping them, but

she had badmouthed me to them, saying things that were completely untrue. She

kept sending me mail and sending me mail, and I stopped opening them. Once she

disguised her handwriting and didn't put a return address, but I had seen her

write like that before, and I didn't open that one, either.

> >

> > Meanwhile, I am getting pressure from all quarters to " Invite her to the

wedding, she's your mother. " How am I supposed to invite her to the wedding and

enjoy my wedding with that going on?? But I felt guilted into it, and finally,

I sent her an email and invited her. (Well...actually what I sent was a

forwarded copy of our writer's group newsletter announcing the wedding. My

husband and I met in a writer's group, and we decided to get married at a group

meeting and hold the wedding in a bookstore. Our group leader sent out an email

to everyone letting them know and inviting them to come.)

> >

> > She maintains she wasn't invited, from what I hear from family members.

Whether the email didn't show up in her inbox because a spam filter pitched it,

or she just didn't recognize the sender and didn't open it, or she didn't

consider herself invited because it wasn't directed specifically at her, I don't

know. The upshot of the whole matter was I spent the day sweating it out,

wondering if she was going to show up and how she was going to act, and she

didn't show. The wedding went well and I was very happy and relieved she didn't

show up.

> >

> > Anyway, this is my experience. If she had been acting more normal before

the wedding, I probably would have invited her and things probably would have

gone well. But as it was, I think it all turned out for the best.

> >

> > P.S., I should have said girlfriend up there, since my brother and his wife

hadn't gotten married yet while all this was going on. They got married a few

days before we did and they didn't invite her either, if that tells you anything

about the extent of the bad feelings. After this my brother and I decided to

visit a counselor to see how to approach our mother about getting help. There

is a BPD clinic with a nationally recognized expert, whose books are recommended

on this site, right up the road from me. Unfortunately they wanted $256 an hour

for us to go, and having just paid for weddings and having very little money

anyway, neither of us could cough up that much.

> >

> > While we were working on this, somebody in the family blabbed. I don't know

if it was my brother or my grandmother, or possibly an aunt, but the message

that came back to me through my grandmother was that my mother thought nothing

was wrong with her and she wasn't going to any therapist. I had been LC for a

while and was seriously considering NC. I thought this development made my

decision a whole lot easier. So did my husband.

> >

> > I would also like to note that while planning this trip to a therapist, I

spoke to members of the family I hadn't spoken to in a while, asking questions

about my mother. I learned a lot of disturbing information, that she had

misrepresented a lot of things to me that had happened to her/she had complained

about, and the true state of affairs was reported very differently to someone

else. My uncle also told me that my aunt told him my mother had sexually abused

her when they were growing up. Due to circumstances surrounding this, I totally

believe my aunt. This was when I made the big NC decision with no guilt,

because someone who's made a career out of blasting my grandfather for doing the

same thing to her while she's hiding/dissociating from this is never, never

going to accept personal responsibility for anything. And she never has, for

anything in her life. So I realized the possibility for improvement was

absolutely nil, and I wasn't willing to continue contact with her under those

conditions.

> >

> > Longwinded, but I hope it helps in some way.

> >

> > --.

> >

>