Re: How Nada Connects With Her Grandkids

[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

What an interesting post. It's so interesting how similar the small details of

our lives are. I also never felt connected to my family and I thought it was

because I was a bad child or incapable of loving someone. It wasn't until I made

my best friends in college and had a genuine bond with them that I realized

something was wrong in my initial bond.

My nada also does the picture thing- when I go home or my cousins come from

abroad, she doesn't want to spend any time with us but she's obsessed with

taking pictures. I have recognized very weird things in my childhood too- I love

to read and my nada always said how tedious and boring it was to read to me. I

learned to read at a very early age and I think it was partly because no one

else would read to me. Sometime in middle school I got very frustrated that nada

never cared about my friends or asked about them or even knew their names even

though I had been friends with them since kindergarden. I asked her why she

never asked me about my friends and she responded " do you ever ask me about my

life? you should ask me about my problems and what's going on with my friends. "

I actually did feel guilty that I wasn't doing that at the time and have only

recently realized that at that age it wasn't my responsibility.

When my baby cousins come from abroad every summer, she's excited to see them

for a minute. Then she signs them up for every camp possible to keep them out of

the house. They visited after their mother tragically passed away and nada did

the same thing- sent them off as much as possible.

It's very interesting to me because I think nada's " early separation " involved

being raised by servants and being sent to boarding school at an early age-

which was traditional for her culture/country. Even though she is clearly

traumatized by that and knows that it is not customary in America she continues

it with my cousins. The last time they visited was one of my last straws with

her: she called over the older one at dinner when we were all collected as if

she had a treat/dessert for him. When he came over she said, " I just wanted to

tell you, you know I love your brother more than you, right? " In that moment I

realized I would NEVER allow her near my future kids.

I'm glad that you have been able to witness positive role models. I have been

trying to do the same with my friends and their families so I will know what are

" normal " problems and what is not acceptable.

>

> I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

>

> What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends and

coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their children.

Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to hear her

scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing someone

lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their toddler.

>

> Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's like

she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she didn't

really want to hold them for more than a minute.

>

> When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when they

would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she never

played with me.

>

> Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went and

bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first couple of

days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple more. They

didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini golf, nothing.

The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the activity of griller her

about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR

SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself

if you want to know. " HA! Good for her!

>

> I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt.

>

> It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an interest

in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or cards or

talking about Harry Potter.

>

> It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching this

has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to my

parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father, my

brother.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

So interesting, I agree! My dad is a photographer and so is my fada (still

married) so you can only imagine how many photos they take of my 1 year old

daughter. I never perceived it as a way to put up a barrier between her and my

daughter, but that makes sense.

FWIW, I also don't plan to leave my daughter alone with her for extended periods

of time (even a few hours) because I don't trust her not to go into a rage and

treat her like she treated me and my brother.

Thanks for the observation!!

> >

> > I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

> >

> > What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their children.

Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to hear her

scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing someone

lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their toddler.

> >

> > Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's like

she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she didn't

really want to hold them for more than a minute.

> >

> > When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she

never played with me.

> >

> > Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first couple

of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple more. They

didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini golf, nothing.

The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the activity of griller her

about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR

SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself

if you want to know. " HA! Good for her!

> >

> > I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt.

> >

> > It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an interest

in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or cards or

talking about Harry Potter.

> >

> > It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching this

has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to my

parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father, my

brother.

> >

> > Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Deanna,

My mother has a slightly different dynamic with my kids. She genuinely loves

them, takes pictures, plays with them and likes taking them places and buying

things for them. The thing is also that her approach to people is extremely

black and white - someone is either absolutely amazing and fabulous (golden!) or

irredeemably bad. So far, my kids have been golden in her eyes (while I am split

bad 98% of the time and golden 2% of the time now, and this used to be the

greatest source of misery and confusion for me when I was growing up (since

there was nobody except me, one minute she had the most amazing child in the

world, the next minute I was Lucifer's (I am sure that's exactly who she

believes my father was) evil spawn, although the percentages weren't always the

same and it got progressively worse as I grew older).

However, as my kids have been getting older the dynamic has been shifting (just

like with me, although it happened earlier with me). Now that they are becoming

independent, free-thinking, forming their own opinions and not always following

orders, the relationship is shifting (and not in a good way). This is especially

obvious with my older son (he is 12).

The good thing is that my kids know very well that NOBODY, not even mom or dad

are EVER allowed to yell at them, mistreat them in any way, be unfair, not

consider their viewpoint, etc. I have consistently taught them (pretty much

brainwashed them probably) that they deserve respect at all times, from

everyone, in all situations, and they must always do their best to treat

everyone else with an equal measure of respect. If and when anyone, ANYone,

disrespects them, they have absolutely NO obligation to tolerate that person's

company, and they should always expect and receive an genuine apology. I have

told them to call out ANYone who tries to hurt their feelings or treats them

with disrespect. If I am frustrated and on the rare occasion when my voice

starts rising they are quick to tell me " Mom, please don't talk to me that way " ,

and I apologize immediately. I am so proud of them for that, and I hope they

will carry this with them for the rest of their lives. Still, I have to be

vigilant and make sure that my mother doesn't become unhinged and go off on

them, ever. They do not deserve that.

That is the reason why this summer is most likely the last time they will spend

time alone with my mother (they have only done it on 2 other occasions in their

lives, and this will be the 3rd and last), unless she gets some real and

substantial help and seriously deals with her illness. I cannot trust that her

disease will allow her to maintain emotional stability around them as they grow

older.

Arianna

>

> I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

>

> What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends and

coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their children.

Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to hear her

scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing someone

lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their toddler.

>

> Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's like

she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she didn't

really want to hold them for more than a minute.

>

> When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when they

would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she never

played with me.

>

> Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went and

bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first couple of

days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple more. They

didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini golf, nothing.

The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the activity of griller her

about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR

SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself

if you want to know. " HA! Good for her!

>

> I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt.

>

> It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an interest

in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or cards or

talking about Harry Potter.

>

> It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching this

has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to my

parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father, my

brother.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

that's how my nada is too...she says she wants to see her grandkids, but

when they're with her, she doesn't do anything with them, not even talk with

them other than grilling them over what their parents are up to...I dont

understand it either..nada didn't play with me either when I was young...oh,

once in a great while she'd play a hand or two of cards, then gloat because

she won, or scrabble ( which I HATE to this day) so she could insult me

because I was a terrible speller ( I'm dyslexic too)

Jackie

I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their

children. Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to

hear her scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing

someone lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their

toddler.

Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's

like she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she

didn't really want to hold them for more than a minute.

When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she

never played with me.

Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first

couple of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple

more. They didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini

golf, nothing. The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the

activity of griller her about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR

FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got

frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself if you want to know. " HA! Good for

her!

I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited

to see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with

them, not in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and

they wandered off and got hurt.

It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an

interest in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or

cards or talking about Harry Potter.

It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching

this has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to

my parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father,

my brother.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

my nada never took pictures...even though she always had a nice

camera...when we were young we were shipped off to camps/ art classes etc

all summer long..

Jackie

My nada also does the picture thing- when I go home or my cousins come from

abroad, she doesn't want to spend any time with us but she's obsessed with

taking pictures. I have recognized very weird things in my childhood too- I

love to read and my nada always said how tedious and boring it was to read

to me. I learned to read at a very early age and I think it was partly

because no one else would read to me. Sometime in middle school I got very

frustrated that nada never cared about my friends or asked about them or

even knew their names even though I had been friends with them since

kindergarden. I asked her why she never asked me about my friends and she

responded " do you ever ask me about my life? you should ask me about my

problems and what's going on with my friends. " I actually did feel guilty

that I wasn't doing that at the time and have only recently realized that at

that age it wasn't my responsibility.

[Guest guest]

Oh my this is my nada too.

We never had friends around for tea when we were kids, she never took any

interest in us as kids at all.

 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 5:24:53 PM

Subject: Re: Re: How Nada Connects With Her Grandkids

 

my nada never took pictures...even though she always had a nice

camera...when we were young we were shipped off to camps/ art classes etc

all summer long..

Jackie

My nada also does the picture thing- when I go home or my cousins come from

abroad, she doesn't want to spend any time with us but she's obsessed with

taking pictures. I have recognized very weird things in my childhood too- I

love to read and my nada always said how tedious and boring it was to read

to me. I learned to read at a very early age and I think it was partly

because no one else would read to me. Sometime in middle school I got very

frustrated that nada never cared about my friends or asked about them or

even knew their names even though I had been friends with them since

kindergarden. I asked her why she never asked me about my friends and she

responded " do you ever ask me about my life? you should ask me about my

problems and what's going on with my friends. " I actually did feel guilty

that I wasn't doing that at the time and have only recently realized that at

that age it wasn't my responsibility.

[Guest guest]

Oh Girls,

Ive been reading through these posts and wow this is sooooo my nada, she would

complain that she never saw enough of my son, but then when the opportunity was

there for her to spend time with him she didnt interact at all, it was always

about her, the " oh ive been working all week, im too tired, " Ive got work in the

morning I cant take you out " , " dont mess nanas kitchen, living room, ive been

cleaning all day.

Along with the put downs about me, and asking and probing what ive been up too.

Wow nadas seem to be all the same dont they hey.......

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 5:07:18 PM

Subject: Re: How Nada Connects With Her Grandkids

 

that's how my nada is too...she says she wants to see her grandkids, but

when they're with her, she doesn't do anything with them, not even talk with

them other than grilling them over what their parents are up to...I dont

understand it either..nada didn't play with me either when I was young...oh,

once in a great while she'd play a hand or two of cards, then gloat because

she won, or scrabble ( which I HATE to this day) so she could insult me

because I was a terrible speller ( I'm dyslexic too)

Jackie

I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their

children. Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to

hear her scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing

someone lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their

toddler.

Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's

like she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she

didn't really want to hold them for more than a minute.

When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she

never played with me.

Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first

couple of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple

more. They didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini

golf, nothing. The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the

activity of griller her about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR

FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got

frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself if you want to know. " HA! Good for

her!

I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited

to see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with

them, not in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and

they wandered off and got hurt.

It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an

interest in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or

cards or talking about Harry Potter.

It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching

this has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to

my parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father,

my brother.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

yes, they have a LOT in common !!

Jackie

Oh Girls,

Ive been reading through these posts and wow this is sooooo my nada, she

would complain that she never saw enough of my son, but then when the

opportunity was there for her to spend time with him she didnt interact at

all, it was always about her, the " oh ive been working all week, im too

tired, " Ive got work in the morning I cant take you out " , " dont mess nanas

kitchen, living room, ive been cleaning all day.

Along with the put downs about me, and asking and probing what ive been up

too.

Wow nadas seem to be all the same dont they hey.......

x

[Guest guest]

My mother never spent time with my kids either. When my son was a toddler,

he used to get on the phone with my mother and talk. As he got older, he

wouldn't do it and she would tell me to make him talk to her (I wouldn't). It

used to upset her and she'd tell me that I was putting wedges between

their relationship.

She might send me money for them, but she didn't ever spend time with them.

On the rare occasion that we did go to her house, she wanted the kids to

sit there, be quiet while she watched CNN or go in another room and

play...but heaven forbid that they touch anything!!!

I remember my daughter trying to talk to her and she would completely

ignore her. My daughter was like 4 at the time and she'd sit there and go

" mawmaw, mawmaw, mawmaw, mawmaw " and my mother would ignore her. I'd have to go,

" mother, can you answer her?! "

Ugh.

In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:07:41 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

that's how my nada is too...she says she wants to see her grandkids, but

when they're with her, she doesn't do anything with them, not even talk

with

them other than grilling them over what their parents are up to...I dont

understand it either..nada didn't play with me either when I was

young...oh,

once in a great while she'd play a hand or two of cards, then gloat

because

she won, or scrabble ( which I HATE to this day) so she could insult me

because I was a terrible speller ( I'm dyslexic too)

Jackie

I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their

children. Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to

hear her scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing

someone lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their

toddler.

Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces.

I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's

like she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but

she

didn't really want to hold them for more than a minute.

When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because

she

never played with me.

Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first

couple of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple

more. They didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini

golf, nothing. The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the

activity of griller her about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR

FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got

frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself if you want to know. " HA! Good for

her!

I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited

to see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with

them, not in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care

and

they wandered off and got hurt.

It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with

a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an

interest in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or

cards or talking about Harry Potter.

It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how

to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching

this has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected

to

my parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father,

my brother.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

I also have seen a huge disconnect between what my nada says she wants with

my kids - ie. wanting to see them, spend time with them, watch them play

soccer, talk to them - and what she actually does. Compared to others who

have posted, she does spend time with them but I think it mainly needs to be

on her terms as in what she wants to do, when she's not tired etc.

She always buys crafts to " do with them " when we visit, but I don't think

she has ever done them with them - she may get them out and start them but

when it gets too long or messy either make them put it away or leave it for

me to finish/deal with. She rarely really listens to them - she is mostly

too preoccupied with what she wants to say to really listen to anyone. She

has said for years that she wants to see my kids play soccer (laments " Oh, I

wish I could see them play. " ) but she has been visiting several times when

they have had games and always has some excuse - too tired, too cold out,

can't walk to the field, etc. - and thus she has never seen them play. She

seems to like to play the part or have the appearance of being a wonderful

grandmother, but it is only about skin deep.

MY

>

>

> My mother never spent time with my kids either. When my son was a toddler,

> he used to get on the phone with my mother and talk. As he got older, he

> wouldn't do it and she would tell me to make him talk to her (I wouldn't).

> It

> used to upset her and she'd tell me that I was putting wedges between

> their relationship.

>

> She might send me money for them, but she didn't ever spend time with them.

>

> On the rare occasion that we did go to her house, she wanted the kids to

> sit there, be quiet while she watched CNN or go in another room and

> play...but heaven forbid that they touch anything!!!

>

> I remember my daughter trying to talk to her and she would completely

> ignore her. My daughter was like 4 at the time and she'd sit there and go

> " mawmaw, mawmaw, mawmaw, mawmaw " and my mother would ignore her. I'd have

> to go,

> " mother, can you answer her?! "

>

> Ugh.

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:07:41 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> sleddog@... <sleddog%40hughes.net> writes:

>

> that's how my nada is too...she says she wants to see her grandkids, but

> when they're with her, she doesn't do anything with them, not even talk

> with

> them other than grilling them over what their parents are up to...I dont

> understand it either..nada didn't play with me either when I was

> young...oh,

> once in a great while she'd play a hand or two of cards, then gloat

> because

> she won, or scrabble ( which I HATE to this day) so she could insult me

> because I was a terrible speller ( I'm dyslexic too)

>

> Jackie

>

> I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

> kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

> appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

>

> What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

> and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their

> children. Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to

> hear her scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing

> someone lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their

> toddler.

>

> Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces.

> I

> did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's

> like she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but

> she

> didn't really want to hold them for more than a minute.

>

> When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

> they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because

> she

> never played with me.

>

> Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

> and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first

> couple of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple

> more. They didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini

> golf, nothing. The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the

> activity of griller her about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR

> FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got

> frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself if you want to know. " HA! Good for

> her!

>

> I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

> or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited

> to see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with

> them, not in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care

> and

> they wandered off and got hurt.

>

> It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with

> a

> child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an

> interest in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or

> cards or talking about Harry Potter.

>

> It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how

> to

> connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching

> this has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected

> to

> my parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father,

> my brother.

>

> Deanna

>

>

[Guest guest]

this really struck a chord with me:

" I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt. "

that is how my SIL is with her kids. She is all about photos. Anyone who saw her

life on facebook or myspace would be freaking shocked to know the reality. Not

cleaning, house as filthy as a drug den (before they moved in with my parents),

just total and complete chaos. But her life in pictures is something to behold.

It completely freaks me out. I have learned through SIL not to trust anything I

see on social networking sites about the way people portray their lives and any

shiny-happiness they might be putting up as a front. Boy is it a falsehood in

this case. The internet is completely warped when it comes to that, it's like an

advertising campaign for someone's life, who may be a lemon in reality.

>

> I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

>

> What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends and

coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their children.

Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to hear her

scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing someone

lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their toddler.

>

> Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's like

she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she didn't

really want to hold them for more than a minute.

>

> When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when they

would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she never

played with me.

>

> Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went and

bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first couple of

days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple more. They

didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini golf, nothing.

The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the activity of griller her

about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR

SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself

if you want to know. " HA! Good for her!

>

> I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt.

>

> It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an interest

in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or cards or

talking about Harry Potter.

>

> It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching this

has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to my

parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father, my

brother.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

OMG - it is amazing to read all the posts on this topic! And sad to see that my

experiences are the same as everyone who posted. My nada has always complained

that she didn't get enough time with my kids. Yet every single time we have

gone to visit her, she hires a babysitter for the week or two while we are there

to " help out " ! I've told her that it is not necessary to hire a sitter, that if

she can't watch the kids then I will. She tells me she is just trying to help

me out and give me a break. Yeah, right. When I told her several times that I

enjoy spending the time with my kids, she INSISTS that the sitter helps HER out

because her arm/back/some-other-body-part is injured and hurting and she wants

to make sure there is an extra set of hands.

When she comes to visit me, she tells me that she " wants to help out and watch

the kids " but then she orders my dad to do things with them. She will only do

activities that *she* enjoys with the kids - she will take them shopping, or

swimming in her hotel pool (but then makes my dad watch them), or will buy them

a bunch of new toys/books and make my dad read to them while she chats away on

the telephone. Mostly she likes to take them to her hotel and let them watch tv

while eating room service on the bed, so she can talk on the phone, paint her

nails, take a shower, or take a nap.

As I write this, I realize it was the exact same way during my childhood. I

have no memories of my nada playing with me. Ever. I have lots and lots of

memories of her with the telephone attached to her ear, either ignoring me or

yelling at me.

*BIG sigh*

-

>

> Oh Girls,

>

> Ive been reading through these posts and wow this is sooooo my nada, she would

complain that she never saw enough of my son, but then when the opportunity was

there for her to spend time with him she didnt interact at all, it was always

about her, the " oh ive been working all week, im too tired, " Ive got work in the

morning I cant take you out " , " dont mess nanas kitchen, living room, ive been

cleaning all day.

>

> Along with the put downs about me, and asking and probing what ive been up

too.

>

> Wow nadas seem to be all the same dont they hey.......

>

> x

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 5:07:18 PM

> Subject: Re: How Nada Connects With Her Grandkids

>

> Â

> that's how my nada is too...she says she wants to see her grandkids, but

> when they're with her, she doesn't do anything with them, not even talk with

> them other than grilling them over what their parents are up to...I dont

> understand it either..nada didn't play with me either when I was young...oh,

> once in a great while she'd play a hand or two of cards, then gloat because

> she won, or scrabble ( which I HATE to this day) so she could insult me

> because I was a terrible speller ( I'm dyslexic too)

>

> Jackie

>

> I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a

> kid, my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

> appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

>

> What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends

> and coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their

> children. Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to

> hear her scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing

> someone lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their

> toddler.

>

> Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I

> did not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's

> like she was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she

> didn't really want to hold them for more than a minute.

>

> When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when

> they would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she

> never played with me.

>

> Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went

> and bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first

> couple of days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple

> more. They didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini

> golf, nothing. The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the

> activity of griller her about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR

> FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got

> frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself if you want to know. " HA! Good for

> her!

>

> I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

> or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited

> to see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with

> them, not in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and

> they wandered off and got hurt.

>

> It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

> child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an

> interest in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or

> cards or talking about Harry Potter.

>

> It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

> connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching

> this has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to

> my parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father,

> my brother.

>

> Deanna

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>