How Nada Connects With Her Grandkids

June 12, 2010

I'm interested if all of you have seen the same kind of thing I have. As a kid,

my family was my " normal " so I didn't know what was right or wrong or

appropriate. I had feelings that some things were not right or fair.

What has been interesting for me is as I got older and saw how my friends and

coworkers were with their children. And how they spoke of their children.

Hanging up their drawings. Saying things like, " I can't stand to hear her

scream in pain. I wish I could take the pain on for her. " Seeing someone

lovingly look at their baby. Seeing someone take joy in their toddler.

Then I started paying closer attention to how my nada was with my nieces. I did

not see those loving looks. I didn't see those *connections*. It's like she

was excited when they were babies and would coo about them, but she didn't

really want to hold them for more than a minute.

When the kids were older, she would say she wanted to see them, but when they

would come, she wouldn't ever play with them. No surprise, because she never

played with me.

Recently my niece, at 17, stayed with my parents for 5 days. My nada went and

bought her two 500 piece puzzles, and she completed them in the first couple of

days. My nada didn't know what to do, so she bought her a couple more. They

didn't do ANYTHING together. No shopping, no movies, no mini golf, nothing.

The only activity my nada engaged in with her was the activity of griller her

about WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING and WHAT IS YOUR FATHER UP TO and WHAT HAS YOUR

SISTER BEEN DOING. My niece finally got frustrated and said, " Ask them yourself

if you want to know. " HA! Good for her!

I also witnessed my friend's mother who is a Borderline or Narcissist

or...something. She was the same way with her grandchildren. Acted excited to

see them but focused solely on taking pictures, and never played with them, not

in 4 DAYS. She also neglected them when they were in her care and they wandered

off and got hurt.

It was interesting to see how they don't seem to get that connection with a

child involves real, loving touches and looks. It involves taking an interest

in what interests the child, whether it is playing peek-a-boo or cards or

talking about Harry Potter.

It's like they say they want to be near the kids but they don't know how to

connect with them. Then there is also the zero empathy thing. Watching this

has helped me to realize that it is no wonder I don't feel connected to my

parents. And no wonder my nieces don't feel connected to their father, my

brother.

Deanna

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