Re: feeling stuck

[Guest guest]

have you considered enlisting a therapist?

If money is an issue, many large churches have a counseling staff. Just ensure

that the counselor you select is very familiar with BPD.

Tina

>

> I feel like I need to move to the next stage of this BPD journey, but I'm not

sure what that is. I've read the books, read this messageboard just about

everyday even though I don't post often, and just don't know what to do next. I

will have been NC with nada two year this Sept. I never intended it to be a

permanent situation, but since nothing is changing with her I guess it is. I

still experience anger and frustration because my parents won't act normal.

Unlike many of you here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada just became super

strange once I got married and she couldn't control me anymore. I just don't

understand why the extended family would rather pretend than group together and

insist she get the proper help. Dishrag fada knows what he is dealing with, he

knows the mistakes he makes with her, and he keeps doing it.

>

> Where do I go from here? How do I quit hoping that something will make a

difference? What is the next stage in this journey? I would like to get to the

point that when I get my kids portraits taken that I don't get angry because the

poor kids don't have a normal grandmother that can have some pictures!!

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

Hi le,

I'm pretty new at all this, just discovered BPD a few weeks ago. I am only on

the second book, and have been reading this site everyday. However, I am 47 and

have raised my two kids, and am raising one of my grandchilren and enjoying my

other 3 every chance I get. I didn't know what was wrong with my nada all my

life, but I knew something was wrong. I've been trying to figure out what I

expect from all this new knowledge and how it's going to help me in the long

run. I hope it will help me deal with her as she is getting older and seems to

be deteriorating mentally. I am scared to death of these last years, the first

47 were bad enough.

I think you answered your own question when you said " how do I quit hoping " .

That is where you go from here. You have to accept your reality. Your children

will not have your nada as a normal grandmom, and you won't have a normal mom.

You can create your own wonderful, beautiful family with yourself as the loving

stable matriarch. You can surround yourself and them with healthy loving people

that can love you and your children and help make your future full and joyful.

Dont' let the expections and the losses define your future. Let go, and live.

>

> I feel like I need to move to the next stage of this BPD journey, but I'm not

sure what that is. I've read the books, read this messageboard just about

everyday even though I don't post often, and just don't know what to do next. I

will have been NC with nada two year this Sept. I never intended it to be a

permanent situation, but since nothing is changing with her I guess it is. I

still experience anger and frustration because my parents won't act normal.

Unlike many of you here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada just became super

strange once I got married and she couldn't control me anymore. I just don't

understand why the extended family would rather pretend than group together and

insist she get the proper help. Dishrag fada knows what he is dealing with, he

knows the mistakes he makes with her, and he keeps doing it.

>

> Where do I go from here? How do I quit hoping that something will make a

difference? What is the next stage in this journey? I would like to get to the

point that when I get my kids portraits taken that I don't get angry because the

poor kids don't have a normal grandmother that can have some pictures!!

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

le - I think the next step is that you take a good, long look at those

kids and all of the other really good things/people in your life, and decide to

cherish them without giving Nada so much of your " pie chart " of attention,

worry, and regret.

It's sad that she's like that. It won't change. You really are powerless to

make her well and happy. Very sad, indeed. But you are a huge influence within

your own family and circle of friends, and you can live fully within that group.

Now that my mom is the only remaining grandparent, I too get the feeling that

there are way too many photos in those school picture packages - I keep one in

my wallet, put the big one in a photo album or frame it for our wall, give one

to my husband for his wallet or desk, and then there are all those leftovers -

I'd like so much to send one to my mom, but it would open up such a can of worms

- so I just set it aside, with regret, but with resolve that our lives are going

to be as happy and free from insanity as it is in my power to make happen.

> >

> > I feel like I need to move to the next stage of this BPD journey, but I'm

not sure what that is. I've read the books, read this messageboard just about

everyday even though I don't post often, and just don't know what to do next. I

will have been NC with nada two year this Sept. I never intended it to be a

permanent situation, but since nothing is changing with her I guess it is. I

still experience anger and frustration because my parents won't act normal.

Unlike many of you here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada just became super

strange once I got married and she couldn't control me anymore. I just don't

understand why the extended family would rather pretend than group together and

insist she get the proper help. Dishrag fada knows what he is dealing with, he

knows the mistakes he makes with her, and he keeps doing it.

> >

> > Where do I go from here? How do I quit hoping that something will make a

difference? What is the next stage in this journey? I would like to get to the

point that when I get my kids portraits taken that I don't get angry because the

poor kids don't have a normal grandmother that can have some pictures!!

> >

> > Thanks,

> > le

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I went NC in December of 2003, just after my first born came. It was mostly

because she was causing drama when I just coudn't cope with it, and something

had to go, so it was her.

I began to send her letters from the kid, outlining her progress, sending her

pictures etc. I told her in the letter that I wanted to keep our relationship in

written form, that way there would be no miscomminucations. I also wished for

that lovely relationship that we see on TV between the grandparents and their

grandchildren.

Written contact was fine for a while, until she overstepped the boundary and

called me one day acting as if everything was A-OK and we were BFFS!!! I said

firmly to her, that I'd be happy to hear all her news by letter, and I was

sorry, but I was very busy at the moment and could not talk. And hung up. That

was in Dec 2006.

She returned the christmas parcel I had sent her, which is unfortunate as there

were a whole bunch of pictures of her 2nd grandchild, and a lot of drawings that

my first had done in there.

I left it in her hands. She effectively shot herself in the foot.

ly I hope to never hear from her again, unless its to hear that she died. I

have nothing to say to her, and nothing that I want from her. There will never

be closure. I've tried. I've tried to talk to her about the abuse I suffered at

her hands and it always gets turned around that she was actually the victim,

poor her, everyone out to get her. She is the center of her universe, the

perpetual victim and I don't want any part of the drama she creates.

I guess you have to decide how toxic your mother is to your life, how much of

that you want spilling onto you and your kids. Some people here can navigate

just fine with their BPD parent, I cannot. There is far too much damage that has

been done and I have come to the reailization that I'm completely " done " with

it. And while I'm not happy about it, because lets get real, we all want that

hallmark relationship with our parents, and for our parents to have lovely

relationships with our kids, but that will NEVER happen.

I already had a strained relationship with my dishrag dad and his BPD wife, and

my mother was full blown BDP nutso complete with delusions. So, I looked at my

kids and thought, you know what? Not repeating patterns here. My KIDS come first

right now, protecting them from the crazy is my priority.

If, down the road they want to know why, I have a TON of stories and letters to

show them the crazy. Unlike my own parents, I protect my children.

>

> I feel like I need to move to the next stage of this BPD journey, but I'm not

sure what that is. I've read the books, read this messageboard just about

everyday even though I don't post often, and just don't know what to do next. I

will have been NC with nada two year this Sept. I never intended it to be a

permanent situation, but since nothing is changing with her I guess it is. I

still experience anger and frustration because my parents won't act normal.

Unlike many of you here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada just became super

strange once I got married and she couldn't control me anymore. I just don't

understand why the extended family would rather pretend than group together and

insist she get the proper help. Dishrag fada knows what he is dealing with, he

knows the mistakes he makes with her, and he keeps doing it.

>

> Where do I go from here? How do I quit hoping that something will make a

difference? What is the next stage in this journey? I would like to get to the

point that when I get my kids portraits taken that I don't get angry because the

poor kids don't have a normal grandmother that can have some pictures!!

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

i'm afraid the difference to be made is to be within you, danielle, you cannot

control any of them, your nada nor dishrag fada nor extended family. you and

your kids can make a happy life without them.. i believe, the dream of changes

in them is probably an empty one and in any case is up to them.. not to you. i

wish you well on your journey.  ann

Subject: feeling stuck

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 2:19 PM

 

I feel like I need to move to the next stage of this BPD journey, but I'm

not sure what that is. I've read the books, read this messageboard just about

everyday even though I don't post often, and just don't know what to do next. I

will have been NC with nada two year this Sept. I never intended it to be a

permanent situation, but since nothing is changing with her I guess it is. I

still experience anger and frustration because my parents won't act normal.

Unlike many of you here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada just became super

strange once I got married and she couldn't control me anymore. I just don't

understand why the extended family would rather pretend than group together and

insist she get the proper help. Dishrag fada knows what he is dealing with, he

knows the mistakes he makes with her, and he keeps doing it.

Where do I go from here? How do I quit hoping that something will make a

difference? What is the next stage in this journey? I would like to get to the

point that when I get my kids portraits taken that I don't get angry because the

poor kids don't have a normal grandmother that can have some pictures!!

Thanks,

le