Re: Attracting friends who are similar to my nada

[Guest guest]

I have had people in my life who were my *best friends* who

betrayed me horribly. This stopped when I met a wonderful person

when I was 19/20, and she was a trustworthy and loyal best friend.

Meeting her really changed my life.

I have to say I have an attraction towards intensity; I don't know if

that is from the BPD stuff or my ADD or both (probably both).

I was married to a man who was conservative (not *me*) and very judgmental

and was always putting me down. That I think was more related to my

*dad* issues (who was not BPD). Recently I had a friend whom I felt I had

to stop seeing. She always had issues and requirements for our friendship that

pushed my buttons. I am not blaming her, but I had to realize that as an adult

person I could choose to have that in my life or not. But she would stop over

unannounced and stay a long time, call and talk a long time. She would

viciously

attack my friends (whom she also knew) minutes after being congenial to them

(and they departed, say, from the car). She was like a cat that if you stroked

it

too long it would turn and bite you. In some ways I really had affection for

her, and

appreciated her intellect and wit. But these other characteristics I could not

deal

with, especially after the stress I was having when my dad died.

~patricia

Attracting friends who are similar to my nada

Do any of you attract people who have traits similar to your nada? I seem to

be an expert at this and have had to cut several people out of my life. They

tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very few long

term friends. I have been working on catching these red flags earlier because

most of these relationships have extended 3-4 years before I finally do

something about it. If any of you have this problem, what are some of the red

flags you look for? I am starting graduate school soon so I am worried about

choosing the wrong friends.

I just sent a " dear john " letter to a med school friend who I needed to cut

out years ago. She is so critical and hasn't been supportive of me going LC or

NC with my nada. I finally had to tell her the really horrible things my nada

did that I haven't shared with anyone for her to believe me. If she's not

criticizing me she's busy talking about her weight (she is not fat). During most

of our conversations her husband tries to intervene to tell her to stop

badgering me. I recently vacationed with her in California in January because I

was hoping the sun would help my seasonal affective disorder. She was so

negative the whole time it just made my depression worse and made it so it was

hard to leave the house at all.

I know I am doing the right thing and when I have cut out similar people in my

life I have had no regrets. It's just rough because it brings up a lot of the

guilt issues I have with nada.

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I hope things are better now.

It's very interesting that you say you have an attraction to intensity- I think

that's a common theme amongst the people I've cut out. Now that I am completely

cleansed of nada + crazy friends I guess I'll see if that's what I really want.

Has your attraction to intensity changed? Do you want it to?

>

> I have had people in my life who were my *best friends* who

> betrayed me horribly. This stopped when I met a wonderful person

> when I was 19/20, and she was a trustworthy and loyal best friend.

> Meeting her really changed my life.

>

> I have to say I have an attraction towards intensity; I don't know if

> that is from the BPD stuff or my ADD or both (probably both).

> I was married to a man who was conservative (not *me*) and very judgmental

> and was always putting me down. That I think was more related to my

> *dad* issues (who was not BPD). Recently I had a friend whom I felt I had

> to stop seeing. She always had issues and requirements for our friendship

that

> pushed my buttons. I am not blaming her, but I had to realize that as an

adult

> person I could choose to have that in my life or not. But she would stop over

> unannounced and stay a long time, call and talk a long time. She would

viciously

> attack my friends (whom she also knew) minutes after being congenial to them

> (and they departed, say, from the car). She was like a cat that if you

stroked it

> too long it would turn and bite you. In some ways I really had affection for

her, and

> appreciated her intellect and wit. But these other characteristics I could

not deal

> with, especially after the stress I was having when my dad died.

> ~patricia

>

> Attracting friends who are similar to my nada

>

>

> Do any of you attract people who have traits similar to your nada? I seem to

be an expert at this and have had to cut several people out of my life. They

tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very few long

term friends. I have been working on catching these red flags earlier because

most of these relationships have extended 3-4 years before I finally do

something about it. If any of you have this problem, what are some of the red

flags you look for? I am starting graduate school soon so I am worried about

choosing the wrong friends.

>

> I just sent a " dear john " letter to a med school friend who I needed to cut

out years ago. She is so critical and hasn't been supportive of me going LC or

NC with my nada. I finally had to tell her the really horrible things my nada

did that I haven't shared with anyone for her to believe me. If she's not

criticizing me she's busy talking about her weight (she is not fat). During most

of our conversations her husband tries to intervene to tell her to stop

badgering me. I recently vacationed with her in California in January because I

was hoping the sun would help my seasonal affective disorder. She was so

negative the whole time it just made my depression worse and made it so it was

hard to leave the house at all.

>

> I know I am doing the right thing and when I have cut out similar people in

my life I have had no regrets. It's just rough because it brings up a lot of the

guilt issues I have with nada.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Wow your post was very thought provoking for me. I have been sitting on the

couch for the past hour thinking about my previous romantic relationships. I can

definitely say that the relationships I enjoyed more were more intense- I do

feel that in these relationships the intensity was mutual but I still don't know

if this is normal/healthy. I think part of my issue is unless someone wants to

spend a significant amount of time with me, I don't believe that they really

like me. I can definitely say that I also become bored if the intensity level is

low. I think the main problem with intensity for me is that I only need it for a

short period of time- maybe a month. After that I return to my normal self

needing independence and time with my friends but it's hard when I attract

people who are equally intense. For them it doesn't wear off and it becomes a

strain on the relationship. It usually becomes such a strain that I fall out of

love very quickly and end the relationship. I'm going to have to mull over this

for a while!

> >

> > I have had people in my life who were my *best friends* who

> > betrayed me horribly. This stopped when I met a wonderful person

> > when I was 19/20, and she was a trustworthy and loyal best friend.

> > Meeting her really changed my life.

> >

> > I have to say I have an attraction towards intensity; I don't know if

> > that is from the BPD stuff or my ADD or both (probably both).

> > I was married to a man who was conservative (not *me*) and very judgmental

> > and was always putting me down. That I think was more related to my

> > *dad* issues (who was not BPD). Recently I had a friend whom I felt I

had

> > to stop seeing. She always had issues and requirements for our friendship

that

> > pushed my buttons. I am not blaming her, but I had to realize that as an

adult

> > person I could choose to have that in my life or not. But she would stop

over

> > unannounced and stay a long time, call and talk a long time. She would

viciously

> > attack my friends (whom she also knew) minutes after being congenial to

them

> > (and they departed, say, from the car). She was like a cat that if you

stroked it

> > too long it would turn and bite you. In some ways I really had affection

for her, and

> > appreciated her intellect and wit. But these other characteristics I

could not deal

> > with, especially after the stress I was having when my dad died.

> > ~patricia

> >

> > Attracting friends who are similar to my

nada

> >

> >

> > Do any of you attract people who have traits similar to your nada? I

seem to be an expert at this and have had to cut several people out of my life.

They tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very few

long term friends. I have been working on catching these red flags earlier

because most of these relationships have extended 3-4 years before I finally do

something about it. If any of you have this problem, what are some of the red

flags you look for? I am starting graduate school soon so I am worried about

choosing the wrong friends.

> >

> > I just sent a " dear john " letter to a med school friend who I needed to

cut out years ago. She is so critical and hasn't been supportive of me going LC

or NC with my nada. I finally had to tell her the really horrible things my nada

did that I haven't shared with anyone for her to believe me. If she's not

criticizing me she's busy talking about her weight (she is not fat). During most

of our conversations her husband tries to intervene to tell her to stop

badgering me. I recently vacationed with her in California in January because I

was hoping the sun would help my seasonal affective disorder. She was so

negative the whole time it just made my depression worse and made it so it was

hard to leave the house at all.

> >

> > I know I am doing the right thing and when I have cut out similar people

in my life I have had no regrets. It's just rough because it brings up a lot of

the guilt issues I have with nada.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER

ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author

SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

yes, growing up, I had friends who treated me badly and were two faced. through

grade school and one in college. I friended her on facebook and she has not

changed at all. I was like, good grief, how did I ever stand this paranoid,

controlling, defensive person. I closed my facebook and so I don't have contact.

But I did have a propensity for attracting that in friends. I don't really have

alot of friends as an adult, not real friends. I have ex-SO's that I am friends

now, even though the relationships were dysfunctional.

>

> Do any of you attract people who have traits similar to your nada? I seem to

be an expert at this and have had to cut several people out of my life. They

tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very few long

term friends. I have been working on catching these red flags earlier because

most of these relationships have extended 3-4 years before I finally do

something about it. If any of you have this problem, what are some of the red

flags you look for? I am starting graduate school soon so I am worried about

choosing the wrong friends.

>

> I just sent a " dear john " letter to a med school friend who I needed to cut

out years ago. She is so critical and hasn't been supportive of me going LC or

NC with my nada. I finally had to tell her the really horrible things my nada

did that I haven't shared with anyone for her to believe me. If she's not

criticizing me she's busy talking about her weight (she is not fat). During most

of our conversations her husband tries to intervene to tell her to stop

badgering me. I recently vacationed with her in California in January because I

was hoping the sun would help my seasonal affective disorder. She was so

negative the whole time it just made my depression worse and made it so it was

hard to leave the house at all.

>

> I know I am doing the right thing and when I have cut out similar people in my

life I have had no regrets. It's just rough because it brings up a lot of the

guilt issues I have with nada.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" They tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very few

long term friends. "

For a few years now, I have found myself saying " why do some of my friends end

up reminding me of my mom? " Even tho I didn't know she was BPD I recognized the

things described above for sure. I live in a small community and there has been

one woman I had to say " i'm done " to. I did it twice actually. since the second

time, we haven't spoken. I do know however that she has badmouthed me to others

with " her " side of the story. I have had to let go and not really care who pays

attention to her rantings. I have had to decide that those who know me, know me

and if they want to stay tied up in drama, they can and I will have to walk away

from them as well.

One of the things that has occurred for me this month - and the last 3ish weeks

of NC with the folks, is I am really understanding in a big way how drama gets

played out. I think growing up with so much drama all the time, I became immune

to it. I see it now. I am also really seeing how much I love calm. I am getting

to understand how much I hate drama once I see it. It's done a lot for me to see

how easy it is to get tied up in drama.

I am not sure I understand what others are saying about " intensity " in

relationships. What does that mean in real life? Is it about intense feelings?

fighting a lot? always being on the go? can someone explain. I seem to spend a

lot of time alone right now and really ok with that. I had three social

invitations for this weekend. I rsbp'd no on two...I looked at the people

invited and said um, no thanks. They ARE people who love drama and gossip and I

just don't have the desire to be around that right now. Might be partly I am

having so much anxiety since doing the NC thing. it's not easy. How do you make

yourself stop feeling guilty for their thoughts you know they are having. ugh.

[Guest guest]

Hi Amethyst,

Congrats on going NC! I'm glad to hear that you are happier without the drama.

Since that's all I've known for so long, I worry that I won't be happy without

it (so far so good but it's only been a few days). It's interesting that you say

you're immune to drama- I wonder if that's why we tend to attract people with

bpd traits. Maybe they can sense that we will tolerate a lot more than other

people will. It still worries me a lot that I won't see the signs early but I

have recently met a girl who I identified as narcissistic in our first

interaction. My big tip off was that she had no long term friends. We were

having lunch and several of my high school and college friends had texted. I

thought she felt badly about not having long term friends so while I was

thinking of what to say to make her feel better she said " well, I guess I don't

have long term friends because I'm so popular. I don't need to keep my friends

because I'll make new ones everywhere I go. " After that comment I reflected on

other ones she made and realized she was either narcissistic or had bpd traits.

I also noticed-and I think this is how I get sucked into these relationships-

that she tried to guilt trip me into hanging out with her. Before I decided to

cut her out she would bother me incessantly to go drinking with her but I am

studying for a major exam. She would beg and try to guilt trip me and I always

refused but I would still feel guilty about it. I can see now that these people

use the same guilt tactic that nada does.

I am glad that I recognized this so much more quickly than I usually do and it

gives me hope that I will be able to continue doing this in the future. I cut

her out months ago and she still texts/calls daily (and keep in mind we only

hung out that one time). I am sure I made the right decision!

As far as the intensity question- what I mean by that is a very intimate

beginning to a relationship. Like spending a lot of time together, sharing

personal things earlier than normal, and becoming " exclusive " in a matter of

days to a week.

I can see now that I have been attracted to this type of relationship in

friendship and romance. I have been able to identify how damaging this is in

friendship but I have needed to extend that thought process to my romantic

relationships. In retrospect, I can see how quickly I became bored and how these

relationships became draining. I've decided that I should evaluate boys the same

way I evaluate my female friends- when I see these red flags with girls I go

running and I now see that I probably should when I see them in men. It's easier

said than done because when a man acts this way, it feels like he is full of

affection and acceptance. I believe that this is genuine- but it is not enough

to maintain a relationship and it too easily disguises incompatibilities.

Good luck with the guilt you're having about NC . I don't know if it helps-

but I think about the friends who I have cut off and realize I have never had a

single doubt that it was a good decision, nor have I ever had regret and wanted

to start up the relationship again. It is really hard when you start thinking

about how your nada/these people feel. Can you put it out of your mind and

distract yourself with hobbies? Honestly, they probably are feeling as hurt as

you may think but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your job in life is not to make other

people feel happy. Clearly all these people have had problems with relationships

with others and you are not their savior. No one should have to be cast in that

role. Just think about how much self reflection you do and how much you try to

improve yourself. It sounds like you've been making a lot of conscious active

changes. You know that your nada/these friends would never have so much self

awareness and try to improve themselves. Until these people try to help

themselves YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM. And honestly, being a crutch for them and

allowing them to continue in this unhealthy way is damaging to them as much as

it is to you. They are not going to change as long as they think they can get

away with their behavior. Good luck, I completely understand the guilt . I'm

not going to say it goes away but it does get better.

>

> " They tend to be controlling, demanding, hypercritical, and people with very

few long term friends. "

>

> For a few years now, I have found myself saying " why do some of my friends end

up reminding me of my mom? " Even tho I didn't know she was BPD I recognized the

things described above for sure. I live in a small community and there has been

one woman I had to say " i'm done " to. I did it twice actually. since the second

time, we haven't spoken. I do know however that she has badmouthed me to others

with " her " side of the story. I have had to let go and not really care who pays

attention to her rantings. I have had to decide that those who know me, know me

and if they want to stay tied up in drama, they can and I will have to walk away

from them as well.

>

> One of the things that has occurred for me this month - and the last 3ish

weeks of NC with the folks, is I am really understanding in a big way how drama

gets played out. I think growing up with so much drama all the time, I became

immune to it. I see it now. I am also really seeing how much I love calm. I am

getting to understand how much I hate drama once I see it. It's done a lot for

me to see how easy it is to get tied up in drama.

>

> I am not sure I understand what others are saying about " intensity " in

relationships. What does that mean in real life? Is it about intense feelings?

fighting a lot? always being on the go? can someone explain. I seem to spend a

lot of time alone right now and really ok with that. I had three social

invitations for this weekend. I rsbp'd no on two...I looked at the people

invited and said um, no thanks. They ARE people who love drama and gossip and I

just don't have the desire to be around that right now. Might be partly I am

having so much anxiety since doing the NC thing. it's not easy. How do you make

yourself stop feeling guilty for their thoughts you know they are having. ugh.

>