Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 , Oh wow i could have writen that post also, both mine and my hubbys nadas are like that too.....I think that is worse if it could be any worse, as it makes you question yourself even more so, thinking that it is you thats maybe being over sensitive etc, and she cant be that bad, Ive done that all my life, and so as my hubby. I know exactly were you are coming from. Hugs hun claire x  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 5:33:28 PM Subject: Re: bpd-lite?  , my nada is high functioning and is very passive-aggressive. I could have written your post. Deanna > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 this is exactly how my nada is !!! I always got the crap while my siblings got the good stuff...and when I point this out to her, she attackes me and says she gave plenty to me....THAT'S not the point, it's WHAT she gave...and that doesnt seem to sink in !! Jackie Well, here's a dumb story. I had lunch with my parents, and my nada, upon leaving, tried to hand me a plastic bag full of grapefruit. She told me it was lemons, but I could see through the bag that it was mostly grapefruit. She has known my whole life that I'm not fond of grapefruit. So I say, " I see it's grapefruit and you know I don't like that, so no thanks. " Well, she wouldn't take no for an answer, so she is shoving it at my chest, insisting that I'll love it if I just juice it and no matter how many times I say no, keeping my arms at my sides, she won't stop SHOVING. I realize that there are two ways to get her to stop: take it from her, or YELL at her. I don't want to yell, because then she'll cry and I'll look mean or crazy. Never mind that no matter how many times over the decades I tell her I don't like it, she ignores me. Seems their grapefruit trees produce way too much. Not long after that, I'm at my brother's for a family gathering and my nada comes in with about 15 figs in a bag. My favorite fruit. Hands them all over to my brother, says they are for his family. " What about me? " I ask. " Oh, I didn't bring you any. " " BUT FIGS ARE MY FAVORITE FRUIT. I'VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE. " Shrugs. Sounds petty, but she wants to shovel something that is essentially garbage to her down my throat but when she has something rare and precious, it goes to her favorite child. THIS is the kind of thing that is hard to explain, and it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It happens with many other things! My therapist helps me to get stuff off my chest, but I am NC/LC now due to my inability to deal with her. I just lost it. I DO think it's easier when your nada is clearly batshit crazy! Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 This is my mother too. I am looking up the emotional incest syndrome. Subject: Re: bpd-lite? To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, June 14, 2010, 1:19 PM Â Try looking up Emotional Incest Syndrom . It is not about sexual incest ! It is many times a tactic of a BP but many nonBPs also use this subtle form of abuse . hope this helps. > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 'I have just started attending codependents anonymous and i think it is helping. Felicia Subject: Re: bpd-lite? To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, June 14, 2010, 11:06 PM Â MY and Felicia, thanks for sharing that your mothers are this way too (though sorry that they are)...helps me feels less out of place here. Sometimes it feels like trying to fight smoke - there's so little to hold on to, so little to point to that objectively anyone would see and understand as harmful. > > , > > I too have a very high functioning nada - she seems great and intelligent > and engaging to most people - my brother and I are some of the few who have > seen and experienced what all the subtle manipulation, entitlement , etc > does to those in relationship with her. You are definitlely not alone here. > > MY > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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