Re: I need to break up with my mother

[Guest guest]

I found that giving nada any more information about my feelings or frustration

with her only gives her more amunition to manipulate me. When I cut off ties, I

very emotionlessly and repetitively stated my boundaries. You have every right

to be happy and protect your family.

patinage

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal, and

psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another town

(across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone. Sometimes

the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them from home

phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5 or 6 times

each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to

me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does not

see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

When I cut ties, I didn't say anything at all. Just stopped contacting her, and

that was it.

There was no point explaining or asking her to understand. It was abundantly

clear to me that she was never going to, and that absolutely nothing was going

to ever improve the situation.

--.

[Guest guest]

same with me..I've had " discussions " with nada time and time again...I'd

tell her why I was hurt or mad because of what she did/said...but it never

changed...we had the same disscussion/fight over and over and over through

my 51 years...nothing ever changes...so igave up and just stopped having

anything to do with her...she made it clear she wouldnt stop attacing

me...or being abusive..

Jackie

When I cut ties, I didn't say anything at all. Just stopped contacting her,

and that was it.

There was no point explaining or asking her to understand. It was

abundantly clear to me that she was never going to, and that absolutely

nothing was going to ever improve the situation.

--.

[Guest guest]

I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

Jackie

I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces "

them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and

often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

etc. to try to get to me.

I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step?

Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and

I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there

a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

[Guest guest]

I'm 20 and my mother is playing all those games of ignoring her problems,

blaming me for the fights, thrusting unwarranted guilt on me, etc. I am engaged

and things with my fiancé and I are rapidly deteriorating because of my mother.

Am I too young to cut off ties with her. How many more chances should I give

her? I do agree that, for you, simply ending the relationship with an

emotionless disclosure of facts is an excellent way to go about it.

>

> I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

> her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

> and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

> visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

> because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

> town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

> Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces "

> them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and

> often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

> etc. to try to get to me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

> not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step?

> Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and

> I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there

> a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

you are not too young to cut off ties with your mother. You're never too you

to end a damaging relationship!! It's too bad at 5 or 6 years of age that we

couldnt just walk away, but as adults we can !! I would not give her any

more chances. Shes show you she will not change....you dont want to end up

an old maid, alone and still controled by your mother ! this is YOUR life,

dont let her ruin it!

Jackie

I'm 20 and my mother is playing all those games of ignoring her problems,

blaming me for the fights, thrusting unwarranted guilt on me, etc. I am

engaged and things with my fiancé and I are rapidly deteriorating because of

my mother. Am I too young to cut off ties with her. How many more chances

should I give her? I do agree that, for you, simply ending the relationship

with an emotionless disclosure of facts is an excellent way to go about it.

[Guest guest]

Honey,

Do what you NEED to do to have a healthy happy life.  I am 28 and I had to cut

off all ties from my mother over a year ago.

I had too many years of being blamed for things, her invading my private life,

calling me 20 times per day, blaming me for her problems, etc, it was horrible,

I used to walk around thinking it was me who was the " bad daughter " .

From experience and with all the support from the guys/girls on this great site,

I would say you have to walk away in the end for your own sanity.

Its not an easy decision to make by any means, but you have to think about you

and your future.

Your a young woman, not a child that your mother by the sounds of thinks, thinks

you are, dont let her ruin what you have.

Hope this helps

xx

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, June 13, 2010 6:50:15 PM

Subject: Re: Re: I need to " break up " with my mother

 

you are not too young to cut off ties with your mother. You're never too you

to end a damaging relationship!! It's too bad at 5 or 6 years of age that we

couldnt just walk away, but as adults we can !! I would not give her any

more chances. Shes show you she will not change....you dont want to end up

an old maid, alone and still controled by your mother ! this is YOUR life,

dont let her ruin it!

Jackie

I'm 20 and my mother is playing all those games of ignoring her problems,

blaming me for the fights, thrusting unwarranted guilt on me, etc. I am

engaged and things with my fiancé and I are rapidly deteriorating because of

my mother. Am I too young to cut off ties with her. How many more chances

should I give her? I do agree that, for you, simply ending the relationship

with an emotionless disclosure of facts is an excellent way to go about it.

[Guest guest]

This is exactly what my mother did. She would hang up, call another phone

or repeatedly call my phone until I answered. It didn't matter what I was

doing and it was all under the guise of her being stressed by not hearing my

voice. Utterly ridiculous. She would call upwards of 30 times in 30 minutes.

Not long before she died, I had taken my son to an appointment with a

specialist as we were having to have his spine measured (he has scoliosis). My

appointment was at 1:00, but specialists are notoriously late anyway. She

started calling my phone about 1:30, just as the doctor walked in. I ignored

it. She called again and again and again, leaving message after message

that was more pathetic than the one before. Finally telling me I didn't care

about her and all I thought about was myself. This over about a 30-minute

period.

It was complete insanity. Truly. I feel for you because I know how

unnerving it is. I could never make her understand that what she was doing was

crazy! She stuck with me being mean to her and she was the victim.

In a message dated 6/12/2010 11:45:44 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

gatewoodstreet@... writes:

I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces "

them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and

often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

etc. to try to get to me.

I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses

to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it

okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship

with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no

longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way

to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

[Guest guest]

Sadly, I think this is really true. It does give them more amunition.

Instead of normal parental love, you get twisted reasons for them to now use

against you.

I never let my mother know when I was going through anything because she

didn't get it and would somehow always manage to turn around and make it all

about her.

In a message dated 6/13/2010 2:52:04 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

patinage4me@... writes:

I found that giving nada any more information about my feelings or

frustration with her only gives her more amunition to manipulate me. When I cut

off ties, I very emotionlessly and repetitively stated my boundaries. You

have every right to be happy and protect your family.

patinage

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical,

verbal, and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all

ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in

another town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by

phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

" bounces " them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a

day

and often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister,

sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and

does not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is

it

okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am

no

longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better

way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

Jackie

I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

" bounces "

them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

and

often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

etc. to try to get to me.

I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

step?

Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and

I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there

a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

[Guest guest]

There's no point in telling Nada what you're doing or why. She doesn't see that

she has a role in the problem - her worldview is that she is always, always

right and that the universe is being " mean " to her if she doesn't get what she

wants. Just start disengaging, putting your own mental health and wellbeing

first when making decisions about visits, phone calls, etc. That doesn't mean

you turn into a nasty, vicious, punishing person. It just means you stop

playing the game.

>

> I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

> guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

>

>

> In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

>

>

>

> I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

> her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

>

> Jackie

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

> and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

> week

> visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

> leave

> because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

> town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

> Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

> " bounces "

> them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

> and

> often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

> etc. to try to get to me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

> not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

> step?

> Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and

> I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there

> a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I tried to do this too. Unfortunately, by the time I decided I was strong

enough to cut back on my time with my mother, she was dying of emphysema.

She died and I had not seen her in 6 months, although we did talk on the

phone more than once a day.

I don't miss my mother really...I miss what she never was to me. Even now,

I want a mother so bad it hurts. I have to turn away when I hear or see

other people talk about their mothers and when my therapist talks about her

daughter, I just want to burst out crying and beg her to stop.

In a message dated 6/14/2010 9:17:06 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

There's no point in telling Nada what you're doing or why. She doesn't see

that she has a role in the problem - her worldview is that she is always,

always right and that the universe is being " mean " to her if she doesn't get

what she wants. Just start disengaging, putting your own mental health and

wellbeing first when making decisions about visits, phone calls, etc. That

doesn't mean you turn into a nasty, vicious, punishing person. It just

means you stop playing the game.

>

> I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

> guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

>

>

> In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

>

>

>

> I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it

to

> her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

>

> Jackie

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical,

verbal,

> and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

> week

> visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

> leave

> because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in

another

> town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by

phone.

> Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

> " bounces "

> them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

> and

> often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister,

sister-in-law,

> etc. to try to get to me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and

does

> not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

> step?

> Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

and

> I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

there

> a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

>

>

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

this is just a perfect example of BPD behavior !!!! yes, you dont care

about her because you are busy and cant answer the phone when she wants you

too, and it's only a 1/2 hour period !!...classic !!

Jackie

This is exactly what my mother did. She would hang up, call another phone

or repeatedly call my phone until I answered. It didn't matter what I was

doing and it was all under the guise of her being stressed by not hearing

my

voice. Utterly ridiculous. She would call upwards of 30 times in 30

minutes.

Not long before she died, I had taken my son to an appointment with a

specialist as we were having to have his spine measured (he has scoliosis).

My

appointment was at 1:00, but specialists are notoriously late anyway. She

started calling my phone about 1:30, just as the doctor walked in. I ignored

it. She called again and again and again, leaving message after message

that was more pathetic than the one before. Finally telling me I didn't

care

about her and all I thought about was myself. This over about a 30-minute

period.

It was complete insanity. Truly. I feel for you because I know how

unnerving it is. I could never make her understand that what she was doing

was

crazy! She stuck with me being mean to her and she was the victim.

[Guest guest]

I totally agree. I'm going to be getting knee replacement surgery either

july or aug...I will NOT tell nada a thing about it ( I am NC anyway) but

she had her knees replaced in the 1990's and I just KNOW hers would be

worse, harder, etc then mine...it always was that way...

Jackie

Sadly, I think this is really true. It does give them more amunition.

Instead of normal parental love, you get twisted reasons for them to now use

against you.

I never let my mother know when I was going through anything because she

didn't get it and would somehow always manage to turn around and make it all

about her.

[Guest guest]

I sent mine a letter. Telling her that I thought it was best to move to written

communication so that nothing could be misunderstood.

I didn't want to completely cut off contact because I wanted her to have limited

access to my kids.

She eventually cut that off though, started to return letters/parcels.

*shrug*

Her loss.

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal, and

psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another town

(across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone. Sometimes

the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them from home

phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5 or 6 times

each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to

me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does not

see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe it would help you feel better if you were to " adopt " a sweet, lonely old

lady to befriend and be a kind of mother-substitute for you? I enjoyed getting

to know a 90-year-old lady in my neighborhood, and she was so kind and gave me

that feeling that is like being a kid and getting attention and praise from your

mother. She is gone now, but I enjoyed the years that she and I were friends.

Perhaps that would work for you too? Maybe if you volunteer at a local

retirement home or nursing home, you can find a sweet older lady to " adopt. "

(Kind of like it happened in the film " Fried Green Tomatoes. " )

-Annie

>

> I tried to do this too. Unfortunately, by the time I decided I was strong

> enough to cut back on my time with my mother, she was dying of emphysema.

> She died and I had not seen her in 6 months, although we did talk on the

> phone more than once a day.

>

> I don't miss my mother really...I miss what she never was to me. Even now,

> I want a mother so bad it hurts. I have to turn away when I hear or see

> other people talk about their mothers and when my therapist talks about her

> daughter, I just want to burst out crying and beg her to stop.

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's a really good idea. I am interested in how I can get involved in

something like that.

I have heard other people talk about being 'adopted' by someone older

from their church or somehow, but anytime I have ever had a relationship with

an older woman, I end up getting majorly hurt in some way. I was friends

with a woman when I was 19 and she was in her 40's. I loved her so much and

would have done anything to be her daughter, if even in spirit. When she

realized how many issues I had (I had anorexia and other problems), she told

me I was demon possessed.

My pastoral counselor has 2 daughters my age and honestly, she is the only

woman on the planet that I have ever felt like truly loved me as a mother

might love her child...still, I wasn't her daughter and knowing that

affected me so much. She once told me that she wished I had been her

daughter

and I burst out crying (I'm crying writing that).

The pain my mother caused in me feels so deep that I don't know how to let

it go. I know if my marriage were better and I felt loved and supported by

my husband my life would be a little different.

In a message dated 6/14/2010 11:42:44 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Maybe it would help you feel better if you were to " adopt " a sweet, lonely

old lady to befriend and be a kind of mother-substitute for you? I enjoyed

getting to know a 90-year-old lady in my neighborhood, and she was so kind

and gave me that feeling that is like being a kid and getting attention

and praise from your mother. She is gone now, but I enjoyed the years that she

and I were friends.

Perhaps that would work for you too? Maybe if you volunteer at a local

retirement home or nursing home, you can find a sweet older lady to " adopt. "

(Kind of like it happened in the film " Fried Green Tomatoes. " )

-Annie

>

> I tried to do this too. Unfortunately, by the time I decided I was

strong

> enough to cut back on my time with my mother, she was dying of

emphysema.

> She died and I had not seen her in 6 months, although we did talk on the

> phone more than once a day.

>

> I don't miss my mother really...I miss what she never was to me. Even

now,

> I want a mother so bad it hurts. I have to turn away when I hear or see

> other people talk about their mothers and when my therapist talks about

her

> daughter, I just want to burst out crying and beg her to stop.

>

>

[Guest guest]

How long before she got the hint? The message today on both home and cell was

" Three months today. " She gets it, but she obviously doesn't think I am serious

about it.

>

> When I cut ties, I didn't say anything at all. Just stopped contacting her,

and that was it.

>

> There was no point explaining or asking her to understand. It was abundantly

clear to me that she was never going to, and that absolutely nothing was going

to ever improve the situation.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

It's been 18 months since my nada has heard the sound of my voice, or seen

me or the children. She still tries to call and sends letters, packages, and

tries to triangulate through friends and family members. You can't make them

get the hint. You can only disengage.

On Tue, Jun 15, 2010 at 9:33 PM, gatewoodstreet wrote:

>

>

> How long before she got the hint? The message today on both home and cell

> was " Three months today. " She gets it, but she obviously doesn't think I am

> serious about it.

>

>

> >

> > When I cut ties, I didn't say anything at all. Just stopped contacting

> her, and that was it.

> >

> > There was no point explaining or asking her to understand. It was

> abundantly clear to me that she was never going to, and that absolutely

> nothing was going to ever improve the situation.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Gatewoodstreet,

In my experience, I wrote a long letter the format taken from Toxic Parents. I

believe it was the last chapter. The format:

What her behavior was.

How it felt at the time.

How it effects me now.

(also throw in some good things and what I appreciated the book recommended)...I

believe it is a nice closing because this is a big transition and one might not

get to verbalize it later.

What I now want.

What I wanted was for her to stay AWAY. No contact.

Haven't spoken with her since March of '09.

Basically, I have guilt from writing the letter. It was partly because my mind

was so cluttered with anger that I wrote more bad things and didn't write much

good and they were more accusatory than I would have liked.

Being the daughter of a bpd parent, I struggle with guilt and shame quite a lot.

So this move was not smart for my own sense of over-compensating responsibility

that has been ingrained in me.

However, it certainly got the job done. It infuriated my Nada to say the least

as well as her relatives. Which rather surprised me because the things I wrote

in the letter were horrid accounts of abuse. Apparently, everyone thought it was

normal which sickened me.

I now know very clearly where everyone including myself stands.

I also blocked her email and her phone number. I then changed my number just so

I wouldn't get annoying calls from relatives (which began like clockwork after

writing the letter).

My T had said they wanted me back so desperately because they didn't want to be

the ones to have to take the abuse and become the new " scapegoat. " Turns out, my

20 year old sister who was furious with me moved out of the house because she

didn't want to be the next " pee-on " .

My other sister who is 25 stayed and played the devil's advocate with me until

she realized I wasn't going to be Nada's punching bag anymore for good. She

promptly dropped the nice act (which was extremely convincing--I knew she was a

nice person by heart so she had to have been in a most desperate state of mind)

and told me I was an ungrateful sh_t.

So I cut communication with her. I had given her a few tries but nothing worked.

I recently regained a small window of communication with me youngest sister on a

networking site. I am not sharing too much but after having been a year out of

Nada's house, it appears she is somewhat out of the " BPD zone " where things are

not as they seem just like in land of Oz. I'll play it safe and see what

happens.

It was a stressful experience to say the least, but it was also nice to know

where I stood in the whole family dynamic, including my Nada's parents.

-Joy

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal, and

psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another town

(across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone. Sometimes

the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them from home

phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5 or 6 times

each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to

me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does not

see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

I've been NC with my Nada through the years. I'm 43 and she is 72. Yesterday,

I told her that I just didn't have time anymore for the drama. I told her that

I didn't have time. I was raising three children and was very busy and if she

didn't have something positive and helpful to bring to the table, then she

wasn't welcome. Of course, she took this to mean the relationship was over. I

told her that it was her choice. Somehow, she seemed to get that I didn't have

the time. Of course, she left a vicious 20 minute message for me later, which

I didn't respond to...but, I felt less guilty. When I looked at it strictly

from where my priorities should be, I was able to distance myself from the

manipulation. Anytime she started trying to get the conversation back to

emotional blackmail, I referred back to the fact that I didn't have time. I

have three children that I'm raising on my own and if she wanted to be part of

my life, then fine. But, I told her that I just didn't have the time for

anything more. I feel pretty good about it.

> >

> > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> >

> > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> >

> > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them

from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5

or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try

to get to me.

> >

> > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Boy, I know right where you are with this. My nana is 81 in a nursing home.

diagnosed BPD and still pushes my buttons. I have been going through an

anxious/ depressed time lately. The old tapes. " you are responsible for

her/Â need to make her life better "

The phrase from Alanon I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. resonate with

me. I visit her on Thurs. I dread each and every visit. as she is still

very controlling. I really don't like her.

/Illinois

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, June 15, 2010 11:22:26 PM

Subject: Re: I need to " break up " with my mother

Â

Hello Gatewoodstreet,

In my experience, I wrote a long letter the format taken from Toxic Parents. I

believe it was the last chapter. The format:

What her behavior was.

How it felt at the time.

How it effects me now.

(also throw in some good things and what I appreciated the book recommended)...I

believe it is a nice closing because this is a big transition and one might not

get to verbalize it later.

What I now want.

What I wanted was for her to stay AWAY. No contact.

Haven't spoken with her since March of '09.

Basically, I have guilt from writing the letter. It was partly because my mind

was so cluttered with anger that I wrote more bad things and didn't write much

good and they were more accusatory than I would have liked.

Being the daughter of a bpd parent, I struggle with guilt and shame quite a lot.

So this move was not smart for my own sense of over-compensating responsibility

that has been ingrained in me.

However, it certainly got the job done. It infuriated my Nada to say the least

as well as her relatives. Which rather surprised me because the things I wrote

in the letter were horrid accounts of abuse. Apparently, everyone thought it was

normal which sickened me.

I now know very clearly where everyone including myself stands.

I also blocked her email and her phone number. I then changed my number just so

I wouldn't get annoying calls from relatives (which began like clockwork after

writing the letter).

My T had said they wanted me back so desperately because they didn't want to be

the ones to have to take the abuse and become the new " scapegoat. " Turns out, my

20 year old sister who was furious with me moved out of the house because she

didn't want to be the next " pee-on " .

My other sister who is 25 stayed and played the devil's advocate with me until

she realized I wasn't going to be Nada's punching bag anymore for good. She

promptly dropped the nice act (which was extremely convincing--I knew she was a

nice person by heart so she had to have been in a most desperate state of mind)

and told me I was an ungrateful sh_t.

So I cut communication with her. I had given her a few tries but nothing worked.

I recently regained a small window of communication with me youngest sister on a

networking site. I am not sharing too much but after having been a year out of

Nada's house, it appears she is somewhat out of the " BPD zone " where things are

not as they seem just like in land of Oz. I'll play it safe and see what

happens.

It was a stressful experience to say the least, but it was also nice to know

where I stood in the whole family dynamic, including my Nada's parents.

-Joy

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal, and

psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another town

(across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone. Sometimes

the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them from home

phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5 or 6 times

each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does not

see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call her

and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your 69

year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

, there is no reason you HAVE to visit her ever thursday...you wont be

put in jail if you go to every other week, or just whenever you feel like

it....

Jackie

Boy, I know right where you are with this. My nana is 81 in a nursing home.

diagnosed BPD and still pushes my buttons. I have been going through an

anxious/ depressed time lately. The old tapes. " you are responsible for her/

need to make her life better "

The phrase from Alanon I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. resonate with me.

I visit her on Thurs. I dread each and every visit. as she is still very

controlling. I really don't like her.

/Illinois

[Guest guest]

You are not obligated to 'take care of her' or visit her. That's what the

nursing home is for. Do what is comfortable for YOU and what you feel you WANT

to do. Easier said than done I know but don't let her manipulate you or control

you - again easier said than done, but if you put down boundaries in a nice way

she will have to accept it. Oh she will bitch and moan and carry on at first

but she will accept them. She has no choice.

You are entitled to live your OWN life and make YOURSELF happy. She will live

out hers where she is getting care and that's all that's required.

Good luck and do what is best for YOU. It's your turn now.

Marilyn

[Guest guest]

Landgirl:

I am 43 now. I cut off ties with my mother 2 years ago. (She's still trying,

I'm still ignoring).

In regards to your age, I can only say: if only, if only, if only I had been

smart enough to cut off ties 23 years ago. Wow.

The thought breaks my heart. The hours and years I've lost to her crazy. . .the

stability I would have at this point in my life had I been rid of her drama that

long ago.

I waited until I was 39. Now? I'm re-living 20 years old again (not in a fun

way) and trying to find out who I am and where I fit. Except now I get to " grow

up " from 20 years old as a 40+ single mom w/ 2 kids.

I try to live without regrets and honor my need for process, but damn. If I

have any regret its that I didn't cut the crazy out of my life 20 years ago!!

You do what you need to do. You have my blessing!!! And, if you need it, let

me be a cautionary tale . .

Blessings,

Karla

> >

> > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

> > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

> > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> >

> > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

> > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

> > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> >

> > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

> > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

> > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces "

> > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and

> > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

> > etc. to try to get to me.

> >

> > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

> > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step?

> > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and

> > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there

> > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

> >

>