Re: I need to break up with my mother

[Guest guest]

Your Mom still tries? Creepy. At least mine doesnt. She knows very well what

will happen if she does. Another phone number change, returned letters, etc.

etc.

-Joy

> > >

> > > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> > > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

> > > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

> > > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> > >

> > > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week

> > > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave

> > > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> > > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

> > > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

> > > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

" bounces "

> > > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

and

> > > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

> > > etc. to try to get to me.

> > >

> > > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

> > > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> > > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> > > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

step?

> > > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> > > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

and

> > > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

there

> > > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Boy, if I actually " broke up " with my nada, I think she would rejoice and

wouldn't contact me again. She thinks we are all her " problem " . I have started

to finally establish some boundaries. I think the only reason she " tolerates " me

is because my dad and I are close and because the " source " of her problems, my

grandmother, (her nada, ironically), is still alive at 90 years and my dad and I

take care of my grandmother because my nada refuses.

I'm so tired of it all....ugh.

> > >

> > > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> > > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it to

> > > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

> > > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> > >

> > > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week

> > > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave

> > > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> > > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

> > > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

> > > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

" bounces "

> > > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

and

> > > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law,

> > > etc. to try to get to me.

> > >

> > > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

> > > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> > > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> > > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

step?

> > > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> > > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

and

> > > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

there

> > > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

this is making me cry! I feel the same way. I feel like I will never get over

the fact that I don't have a real mother. I want one so bad. I have tried to

deal with it spiritually. I have tried to find a substitute mother. I have

tried therapy. I've tried to be the best mother I can be myself to make up for

it. I've tried to tell myself, " you can be your own mother/caregiver " . These

things help, but they don't fill that need and sense that you've been missing

this huge something all your life and there's nothing you can do about it.

Instead, you have this crap substitute that's really just a bad cosmic joke

(meaning the Nada, not the attempts to cope). I suppose this is what therapy is

for, but sometimes I think I could go to therapy all my life and I will still

never get over mourning that fact that I'll never have a real mother who cares

about me the way I see other mothers caring about their children.

C

> >

> > I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

> > guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > sleddog@ writes:

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it

> to

> > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical,

> verbal,

> > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> >

> > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

> > week

> > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

> > leave

> > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> >

> > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in

> another

> > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by

> phone.

> > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

> > " bounces "

> > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

> > and

> > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister,

> sister-in-law,

> > etc. to try to get to me.

> >

> > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and

> does

> > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

> > step?

> > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

> and

> > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

> there

> > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm going to try this. I'm not ready to go NC yet. But I like this. It's

simple. It makes sense. It's true. It's easy to remember, especially when one

is being badgered and harangued. I think I'm going to start trying this out.

" I don't feel I was picking a fight with you. I really don't have time to argue

about this. We need to change the topic, or I'm going to have to hang up. " " I

know you don't agree with my decision, but it's one I made carefully and with a

lot of thought. I don't have time to discuss this decision with you, it's

already been made. " I don't have time! It's so obvious! yet ingenious! thanks!

> > >

> > > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal,

and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> > >

> > > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

week visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

leave because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another

town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone.

Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them

from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5

or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try

to get to me.

> > >

> > > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does

not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

yes there is a deep, deep well of grief and mourning in me too and i cry

sometimes over what i never had.  it gets better with time but i doubt that it

will ever go away completely.

Subject: Re: I need to " break up " with my mother

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, June 18, 2010, 5:26 PM

 

,

this is making me cry! I feel the same way. I feel like I will never get over

the fact that I don't have a real mother. I want one so bad. I have tried to

deal with it spiritually. I have tried to find a substitute mother. I have

tried therapy. I've tried to be the best mother I can be myself to make up for

it. I've tried to tell myself, " you can be your own mother/caregiver " . These

things help, but they don't fill that need and sense that you've been missing

this huge something all your life and there's nothing you can do about it.

Instead, you have this crap substitute that's really just a bad cosmic joke

(meaning the Nada, not the attempts to cope). I suppose this is what therapy is

for, but sometimes I think I could go to therapy all my life and I will still

never get over mourning that fact that I'll never have a real mother who cares

about me the way I see other mothers caring about their children.

C

> >

> > I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

> > guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > sleddog@ writes:

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

> > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it

> to

> > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical,

> verbal,

> > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

> >

> > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

> > week

> > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

> > leave

> > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

> > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

> >

> > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in

> another

> > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by

> phone.

> > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

> > " bounces "

> > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

> > and

> > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister,

> sister-in-law,

> > etc. to try to get to me.

> >

> > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and

> does

> > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

> > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

> > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

> > step?

> > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

> > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

> and

> > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

> there

> > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with . I am a college student looking to find independence from my

mom, but every time I am at school, I see other girls calling their mothers,

saying that they love their mothers. It's obvious that the mothers and

daughters spend quality time together, and of course I miss that and I wish I

had it.

But every time I come home, I am filled with tension to the point that I become

desensitized to it. I start to isolate and things just get worse being around

my mom, as her habits of putting people down and critisizing them does not

lighten when other people feel bad.

It's crazy to keep going back to someone that can't change. A person will only

change if they want to, and it's not a child's job to tell the parent they are a

bad parent or person in general.

I'm learning that my job is to become un-codependent and make a life for myself.

That has been my goal all along, but I usually have trouble understanding that

my life is not created by my MOM not having BPD. My life is individual me, and

children with BPD have trouble understanding that because we have been taught to

believe that we are only as good or as valuable as our mother or father told us.

If we believed otherwise, we were told we were wrong.

But we are right.

It's necessary to work through who your parents are, and what the reality of the

situation is, and to grieve.

I still have an issue understanding that being independent and doing things that

improve my quality of life (working out, eating right, having a job and having

friends, and a passion) is right. I'm worth my own time, basically.

Sorry, this was more of a generic rant, but the point I was trying to make is I

feel that what you are grieving is necessary and good. I've yet to do it.

>

> > >

>

> > > I would have liked to have done this with my mother but I never had the

>

> > > guts. I was stil afraid of her, even as an adult.

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > > In a message dated 6/13/2010 12:38:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

>

> > > sleddog@ writes:

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > > I would start by changing my phone numbers and not tell her what they

>

> > > are...and dont tell anyone else them unless you know they wont give it

>

> > to

>

> > > her...you do not need to give her any reason for this..

>

> > >

>

> > > Jackie

>

> > >

>

> > > I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical,

>

> > verbal,

>

> > > and psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> > >

>

> > > I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2

>

> > > week

>

> > > visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to

>

> > > leave

>

> > > because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to

>

> > > explain how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> > >

>

> > > Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in

>

> > another

>

> > > town (across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by

>

> > phone.

>

> > > Sometimes the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she

>

> > > " bounces "

>

> > > them from home phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day

>

> > > and

>

> > > often 5 or 6 times each day. She calls my husband, sister,

>

> > sister-in-law,

>

> > > etc. to try to get to me.

>

> > >

>

> > > I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and

>

> > does

>

> > > not see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are

>

> > > always my fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she

>

> > > refuses to accept that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next

>

> > > step?

>

> > > Is it okay to call her and say " I am no longer interested in having a

>

> > > relationship with you. Your selfishness and anger have hurt me enough,

>

> > and

>

> > > I am no longer willing to take on the guilt that you push on me " ? Is

>

> > there

>

> > > a better way to " break up " with your 69 year old mother?

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

> > >

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >

>

> >

[Guest guest]

When my mom calls too often, where it is not necessary, I use my right to not

answer the phone. I don't have to talk to her if I don't want to. I

communicate my needs ahead of time- " Mom, I only want you to call me once a

day. Figure out all that you want to say to me so you can call me only one

time. If you call me more than that, I will not answer my phone. " That is a

boundary, and it doesn't matter what she feels about it, because I have the

right to make a boundary as much as she does.

I know your mother is 69, but age doesn't give an excuse for your mother to

disrespect your boundaries. If you don't know what your boundaries are, decide

what, how, when, and how often you want to communicate with your mother. If

there are issues you have about how you feel about your mother, they cannot be

sorted out very well by talking to her about it. Figure out how you feel, what

you need to feel healthy, safe, secure and happy, and then tell your mother what

boundaries from that she will need to respect and what will happen if she

doesn't respect them. It's a harsh reality if she will be very hurt, but her

feelings are HER responsibility. You are not hurting her by creating boundaries

which you need for your own health and happiness. If she is not healthy or

happy, you can say that you feel sorry she feels that way, but it is still not

your responsibility. Maybe she needs to learn once and for all that her own

insecurities are, her own.

>

> I have just joined this group because after 39 years of physical, verbal, and

psychological abuse by my BPD mother, I am ready to cut off all ties.

>

> I haven't spoken with her since I asked her to leave my home after a " 2 week

visit " in July of '09 turned into a 9 month stay despite asking her to leave

because of her behavior in my home. It is much too long of a story to explain

how she manipulated her way into being here so long.

>

> Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since taking her to her home in another town

(across the state) in March. However, she is " stalking me " by phone. Sometimes

the calls are no more than 3 or 4 minutes apart and she " bounces " them from home

phone to cell and back. She calls at least 3 times a day and often 5 or 6 times

each day. She calls my husband, sister, sister-in-law, etc. to try to get to

me.

>

> I need to break free from her because she does not want to change and does not

see that she has serious problems. Her cruelty and breakdowns are always my

fault (of course). She is not healthy for my family, and she refuses to accept

that I do not want to speak to her. What is my next step? Is it okay to call

her and say " I am no longer interested in having a relationship with you. Your

selfishness and anger have hurt me enough, and I am no longer willing to take on

the guilt that you push on me " ? Is there a better way to " break up " with your

69 year old mother?

>

[Guest guest]

I have an older friend. she is 75 and actually is nearly blind like my mom. BUT

here's the difference...Of which there are many.

1. friend lives alone. is a very brittle diabetic. doesn't drive and gets

everywhere she wants to go on the bus. she walks a ton and NEVER ever acts like

a victim. ever.

2. she is so easy to be with and so appreciative for any and everything you do,

you want to help her as much as you can. You also always know that if you can't,

she won't make you feel guilty or whatever. She finds someone else if she needs

a ride. No big deal. She never ever acts like a victim. did I already say that?

3. She goes to yoga, she walks tons, she eats healthy and organic. she is well

theraperized and has done co-counseling for years - decades. She reads all the

time, she is an avoided feminist, understands issues, is very empathetic and a

great listener. Very political on the same side as I am...and very well read on

many topics. She has tons of friends, does all kinds of activities, never is

judgemental..etc etc.

she also doesn't get along with her own children very much. They judge her

terribly. act rather narcissistic themselves. I have told her that i am happy to

be her " substitute " kid if she were willing to be my " substitute mom " . we are

clearly friends but it's so nice to know that there are some really amazing

older folks out there. I am pretty lucky to have her in my life.

ame