Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 I hear what you are saying but it still sounds like your nada is bpd from your brief description of her. She sounds like she is very high functioning though. My nada is very high functioning. Even my closest friends have a hard time believing all that I tell them about the manipulative things she does. She is very careful to only do or say things so that I know what she is implying but to others she can deny any wrong-doing. I know what you mean though about NC would only make you look like the one with a problem. I may not have even realized that my nada was bpd if my brother hadn't died, causing my nada to come unglued enough for me to see her true colors or her real underlying anxieties. I can imagine without my brother's suicide that I would ever think that nada was any more than difficult and hard to please. NC is not the only way to handle your relationship with a bpd parent but I would just caution you to not underestimate the affects of emotional abuse. Those scars can run deeper than any physical abuse. patinage > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 , my nada is high functioning and is very passive-aggressive. I could have written your post. Deanna > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Thanks Deanna and and sorry to hear you have to deal with this type of nada as well. It can really make you doubt your sanity. You know sometimes it feels like it's a con job to make me either suffer and go along with things or act out and look crazy. Have you found it difficult to find the right sources of help because of the high-functioning/p-a stuff? What's helped you most in dealing with your covert nada? > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > Thanks, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Well, here's a dumb story. I had lunch with my parents, and my nada, upon leaving, tried to hand me a plastic bag full of grapefruit. She told me it was lemons, but I could see through the bag that it was mostly grapefruit. She has known my whole life that I'm not fond of grapefruit. So I say, " I see it's grapefruit and you know I don't like that, so no thanks. " Well, she wouldn't take no for an answer, so she is shoving it at my chest, insisting that I'll love it if I just juice it and no matter how many times I say no, keeping my arms at my sides, she won't stop SHOVING. I realize that there are two ways to get her to stop: take it from her, or YELL at her. I don't want to yell, because then she'll cry and I'll look mean or crazy. Never mind that no matter how many times over the decades I tell her I don't like it, she ignores me. Seems their grapefruit trees produce way too much. Not long after that, I'm at my brother's for a family gathering and my nada comes in with about 15 figs in a bag. My favorite fruit. Hands them all over to my brother, says they are for his family. " What about me? " I ask. " Oh, I didn't bring you any. " " BUT FIGS ARE MY FAVORITE FRUIT. I'VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE. " Shrugs. Sounds petty, but she wants to shovel something that is essentially garbage to her down my throat but when she has something rare and precious, it goes to her favorite child. THIS is the kind of thing that is hard to explain, and it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It happens with many other things! My therapist helps me to get stuff off my chest, but I am NC/LC now due to my inability to deal with her. I just lost it. I DO think it's easier when your nada is clearly batshit crazy! Deanna > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 That is a perfect description of how dealing with the covertness of a high functioning bpd can make you batty. You see what she is doing but to others, even those fairly close to the situation, wouldn't understand what you are getting all worked up about. Sometimes I don't even thing nada does that kind of thing intentionally but that hurts even more sometimes. Like you are the last thing on her priority list. How do we make figs out of grapefruit? > > > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hmmmm figs out of grapefruit. We: go to therapy go to EMDR go to somatic therapy meditate pet the cat write volunteer dance sleep late breathe -Deanna > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Deanna, I had to laugh at what determination your nada has, but I know that it sure wasn't funny to you at the time. It's like these things grapefruit vs. figs connect to strings deep down pulling on pain from things maybe even hardly remembered. And of course you had to take the grapefruit because what kind of person yells and makes a scene over someone giving them fruit? A nice kind generous mother giving her daughter fruit....yep. Bet you had pressure to thank her too. I hope you make a point to be very generous with yourself during fig season! I like your point too that people very close to the situation cannot see it. It's like these covert moves are in a special language that only has meaning between the nada/ko and it is *real* but to explain it makes the KO look crazy to those who can't understand. > > > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 I suggest that this kind of behavior is more narcissistic pd than bpd. Its very passive-aggressive and " plausibly deniable " , meaning that it looks harmless or insignificant on the surface, but in reality it IS an attack or an insult. Covert acts of hostility are highly crazy-making to the recipient of such abuse. Here's the link to a list of the " characteristics of the narcissistic mother. " I've posted it before a long time ago, so maybe some here haven't read it. My nada has a lot of narcissistic pd traits and exhibits many of the behaviors in this article: http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/ Forewarned is forearmed. Also, it just occurred to me that if you haven't tried it yet, the " B'rer Rabbit " tactic might work for you in this situation. The next time your mother tries to foist a bag of grapefruit off on you, you pretend to be delighted and accept it eagerly. You praise the grapefruit and say that you like them so much better than yucky figs, and how thoughtful of your nada to give the nice grapefruits to you. This will startle your nada and confuse the crap out of her. That's what you want. It may possibly result in her switching and giving you figs next time because she now thinks you love grapefruit! -Annie > Well, here's a dumb story. I had lunch with my parents, and my nada, upon > leaving, tried to hand me a plastic bag full of grapefruit. She told me it > was lemons, but I could see through the bag that it was mostly grapefruit. > She has known my whole life that I'm not fond of grapefruit. So I say, " I > see it's grapefruit and you know I don't like that, so no thanks. " Well, > she wouldn't take no for an answer, so she is shoving it at my chest, > insisting that I'll love it if I just juice it and no matter how many times > I say no, keeping my arms at my sides, she won't stop SHOVING. I realize > that there are two ways to get her to stop: take it from her, or YELL at > her. I don't want to yell, because then she'll cry and I'll look mean or > crazy. Never mind that no matter how many times over the decades I tell her > I don't like it, she ignores me. > > Seems their grapefruit trees produce way too much. > > Not long after that, I'm at my brother's for a family gathering and my nada > comes in with about 15 figs in a bag. My favorite fruit. Hands them all > over to my brother, says they are for his family. " What about me? " I ask. > " Oh, I didn't bring you any. " " BUT FIGS ARE MY FAVORITE FRUIT. I'VE TOLD > YOU THAT BEFORE. " Shrugs. > > Sounds petty, but she wants to shovel something that is essentially garbage > to her down my throat but when she has something rare and precious, it goes > to her favorite child. > > THIS is the kind of thing that is hard to explain, and it doesn't happen in > a vacuum. It happens with many other things! > > My therapist helps me to get stuff off my chest, but I am NC/LC now due to > my inability to deal with her. I just lost it. > > I DO think it's easier when your nada is clearly batshit crazy! > > Deanna > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 I know ! Much of what's on these boards can be seen as funny when you are in the right mood for it. The dysfunctional dance is RI-DIC-U-LOUS! Yes, painful when nada finds ways to remind me that she doesn't really care what I want, nor does she really honor me. Deanna > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Try looking up Emotional Incest Syndrom . It is not about sexual incest ! It is many times a tactic of a BP but many nonBPs also use this subtle form of abuse . hope this helps. > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Thanks for the reminder n - it's been a few years since I read the book about it but I remember it really seemed to fit. Could be a good time to revisit it now that I'm more motivated to make changes. > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > Thanks, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 , I too have a very high functioning nada - she seems great and intelligent and engaging to most people - my brother and I are some of the few who have seen and experienced what all the subtle manipulation, entitlement , etc does to those in relationship with her. You are definitlely not alone here. MY 2010/6/12 climberkayak > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think > about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the > emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those > emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking > on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already > in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, > controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people > on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super > passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, > and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists > tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that > she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to > directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly > against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do > this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a > word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water > can be used to torture. > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a > crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was > overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not > going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of > group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it > even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on > the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the > NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all > covert aggression. > > Ideas appreciated! > > Thanks, > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond > ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL > () for your copy. We also refer to Understanding the Borderline > Mother (Lawson) and Surviving the Borderline Parent, (Roth) which you can > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 MY and Felicia, thanks for sharing that your mothers are this way too (though sorry that they are)...helps me feels less out of place here. Sometimes it feels like trying to fight smoke - there's so little to hold on to, so little to point to that objectively anyone would see and understand as harmful. > > , > > I too have a very high functioning nada - she seems great and intelligent > and engaging to most people - my brother and I are some of the few who have > seen and experienced what all the subtle manipulation, entitlement , etc > does to those in relationship with her. You are definitlely not alone here. > > MY > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 I can relate to this. I am glad someone brought up this topic. my mother gets stranger and stranger. if I allow myself to be sucked into her emotional dumpings on me I end up feeling emotionally raped every time. i am going through that now with her feeling exploited by SIL and my brother. I stood up for her, told SIL everything that she was upset about. Somehow it turned around to where I was 'causing more trouble' with SIL and now she has twisted this so she gets to walk around whining about how all she wants is 'peace' in her house. As if I was the one being psycho and causing conflict. This whole thing has been pretty devastating to me. Because once again I stand up and do the right thing that no one else will do, and once again I end up being crucified for it. Well, it really *is* emotional rape. I can't count how many times in my life she has done this to me. when I was little I wanted to be her protector because my fada was so abusive. I feel like an idiot still doing it at this age. So I am glad that this post was started because mine is definitely low-key. With her it's 'no good deed ever goes unpunished.'. She is super passive aggressive too and all her stuff flies way under the radar. I just went in there and she did this thing she always does where she gets all teary-eyed. Half the time I fall for it and console her. This time I just walked away. Because she will turn around and put a knife in my back so fast it isn't funny. But she is not emotionally demonstrative or 'bat-shit' at all. I know this is why my relationshiops have been so off kilter and exploitive. I am the painted black child all the time except when she needs to make use of me emotionally, then for a few moments when I have her crying on my shoulder I am 'good' again. The moment her emotional need for a mid-wife ends, I am painted black again. I never remember until that reality hits me in the face again. Sorry to go on about it, I am just figuring this out. She is incapable of sustaining any loyalty to me whatsoever, she lives by her whims. She is very passive and non-threatening though. > > > > > > > > Hi all, I'm seeking some advice about support groups and ways to think about my nada situation. Even though I relate very strongly with the emotions so many of you have expressed here, the events that produce those emotions in me are a bit different. In most classic BPD books like Walking on Eggshells and many experiences shared here, the typical nada is already in what I call " open warfare " with the KO. Openly insulting, denigrating, controlling, crazy, abusive...there's no question in my mind why most people on this list choose NC. My nada is not like that - she's super passive-aggressive, very covertly manipulative, very enmeshy and entitled, and rarely ever shows anger at all. If I hadn't had multiple therapists tell me they think she's likely BPD I wouldn't believe it. Because all that she does is covert (along with FOO enablers) I have very little to point to directly, very little to fight against. They've learned never to act openly against me because I will fight back and cut them off - I did have to do this once - so now they know just how subtle it has to be so I can't say a word. On first thought " subtle " shouldn't be so destructive, but even water can be used to torture. > > > > > > > > In the end if I did go NC or try to discuss any issues I'd look like a crazy person - *I* would be the one who looked like they had BPD and was overreacting to everything! This group is awesome and no worries I'm not going anywhere, but I'm wondering if anyone has any idea of what type of group might be best to help me work with what I'm dealing with? Or if it even is BPD...would you put another name on it? I used to spend time on the NPD groups a while back, but just like here it was a partial fit and the NPD parents again were openly aggressive while what I'm dealing with is all covert aggression. > > > > > > > > Ideas appreciated! > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 phine, you bring up a very good point about how a passive-aggressive nada works to create the behavior she wants. When you are emotionally giving to her - I like your word mid-wifing, I know exactly what you are talking about - you are " good " . You get to be good in her eyes when you are giving, only then. And with my nada this midwifing is not counted as giving her something, not something to be thankful of grateful for, it is simply expected. And yet any need I might express emotional or otherwise over the years is seen as some sort of big problem or excessive demand. I think this emotional mid-wifing is a way of providing emotional stability to help their labile emotions calm down and it is a gift we give to them though they cannot see it. Thanks for sharing about your stealth nada too. > > I can relate to this. I am glad someone brought up this topic. > > my mother gets stranger and stranger. if I allow myself to be sucked into her emotional dumpings on me I end up feeling emotionally raped every time. i am going through that now with her feeling exploited by SIL and my brother. I stood up for her, told SIL everything that she was upset about. Somehow it turned around to where I was 'causing more trouble' with SIL and now she has twisted this so she gets to walk around whining about how all she wants is 'peace' in her house. As if I was the one being psycho and causing conflict. This whole thing has been pretty devastating to me. Because once again I stand up and do the right thing that no one else will do, and once again I end up being crucified for it. Well, it really *is* emotional rape. I can't count how many times in my life she has done this to me. when I was little I wanted to be her protector because my fada was so abusive. I feel like an idiot still doing it at this age. > > So I am glad that this post was started because mine is definitely low-key. With her it's 'no good deed ever goes unpunished.'. She is super passive aggressive too and all her stuff flies way under the radar. I just went in there and she did this thing she always does where she gets all teary-eyed. Half the time I fall for it and console her. This time I just walked away. Because she will turn around and put a knife in my back so fast it isn't funny. But she is not emotionally demonstrative or 'bat-shit' at all. > > I know this is why my relationshiops have been so off kilter and exploitive. I am the painted black child all the time except when she needs to make use of me emotionally, then for a few moments when I have her crying on my shoulder I am 'good' again. The moment her emotional need for a mid-wife ends, I am painted black again. I never remember until that reality hits me in the face again. Sorry to go on about it, I am just figuring this out. She is incapable of sustaining any loyalty to me whatsoever, she lives by her whims. She is very passive and non-threatening though. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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