Nada's Inflection and KO Up Down Moods

[Guest guest]

I don't know why I fall for it. Mom with BPD apologizes for abusive

behavior, and when I say mom, wow it took a lot for you to apologize about

what happened, that's really brave of you, she stone coldly replies: you're

welcoming and in an accusing tone rather than questioning asks me: " Is that

all you have to say, you haven't done any soul searching? " I know this line

sounds like a question anyone could ask, but the way she says things, makes

me cringe.. Especially since her apology was just a tactic for her to get me

to grovel, for what? Defending myself! She twists everything I do and say..

If I say my younger brother's counselor should know what's going on, she

thinks I am threatening to take her son away. She focuses on all the ways I

was in the wrong, rather than seeing what drove me to that point was her..

The night I called the police nothing particularly bad was going on.. was it

selfish of me then to call them.. I had a mini break down from nothing, from

just seeing her acting so calm and content in the living room after days and

days of her craziness - digging her nails into my skin when she was upset

that I wasn't jumping for joy about taking her to do her taxes ( okay I

should have taken her for the taxes, but really to get that upset is

crazy..) and then the other times ,. throwing apples, hair brushes, anything

within reach, directly aimed at my face.. Pulling my hair because the

bathroom sink was wet and I should wipe it down.. I am 19, and don't even

live at home anymore. I am a woman who chose to help her mom who was going

through a lot of physical ailments.. Yes, she was on pain medications with

side effects of mood swings, and now she blames that for her abuse, she also

says I am not compassionate .. It goes like this: Oh I am sorry for

what happened, the medication made me crazy, but also it's not your fault

that you're not compassionate and you're selfish. What kind of apology is

that? Anyway, we tried having a phone relationship about not talking about

what happened, screaming over what happened, and then talking about the

weather and boys, two superficial and safe topics. But then tonight, out of

nowhere, she implied that if the horrible time didn't happen I could watch

the dog instead of her having to pay someone, while she goes out of state to

the mayo clinic hospital to treat the chronic physical ailments. She didn't

say any of this, but something about KO children is that we are

hypersensitive to the body language, inflection. This causes us to over

analyze everything people do and say, but we are experts at reading people,

since all of our lives we've had to read our parents to know if they were

going to flip out in any given moment, and then blame us. So I politely tell

my mom that her tone of the way she accusingly said " did you do any soul

searching " sounded more like an attack, a put down than a question to which

she refuted: " You must be insecure, because I was simply asking you a

question. " Then she talks about how our relationship was so great before,

that now there's no " loyalty " or " trust " she doesn't know how I could

" betray " her by calling the cops when she was doing nothing..

As a KO I block things out, I also obsessively remember them, until I block

them out completely so I completely forgot about the night I called the cops

and " told the cops nonsense stories " according to my mom. It's getting so

hard to have relationships with anyone.. I don't expect anything from anyone

anymore.. I just stick to myself. I rather read a book than go out and talk

to people with their drama and silliness. I've grown a little bit bitter. I

don't want to have bitter friends either, who judge everything and think

they are too good for even themselves. I prefer to have silly, happy go

lucky friends. And sometimes, guys, I am happy go lucky when I push away all

the pain that's happened.. But when my mom calls and blames me for all the

badness and then excuses herself by saying it was the pain medicine that

made her kick down the door, or call me all of those ugly names, or say I'll

cut yu with a knife... which she said not meaning it.. she said it out of

anger, which is the same why I said " I'll destroy you, " when I called the

police. Clearly this family needs pyschotherapy.

I keep telling mom that I don't want to talk about what happened until we

see a therapist together. She's so sadly pathetic feeling scared and

vulnerable that I will " hurt " her when I come to visit again. Hold up, mama

drama who said anything about me coming to visit again. I am going to be

just fine 8 states away, and when I go to NC for school a state away, guess

who isn't getting my address? Anyway. I can't even believe my mom has these

" trust " issues with me, when I am the one who should be feeling victimized,

not the bad guy. How can she do that? make me feel like the bad guy, forget

and excuse all of the wrongdoings that make her the bad guy to me.. I

politely remind my mother that it's not just me, everyone in her life has

left her because walking on eggshells is exhausting .. being controlled,

manipulated, guilt tripped, praised, then cut down all in a matter of 5

minutes: I haven't seen a reality TV show with this much madness, and the

worst is that it really gets to me.. I feel up, I feel down, I feel up, then

down. I buy things and feel good for a little, then go back to down .. when

I am around people.. I fake a smile, when I am alone sometimes I'm happy,

then sad, then angry, then happy, then sad, angry, etc.

I am turning crazy.

Anyway, I shut off my phone when my mom started the blame game of why she

can't trust me, and how I betrayed her and all that cookiness.

What kills me is when she talks about her oldest friends, not encouraging

her to move by her to their hometown, or not calling for several weeks after

the devastating news about her chronic spinal stenosis .. She makes it like

they are the worst people, and I bite my tongue thinking mom you aren't the

center of the world, people have their own problems and why do you have to

read into everything thinking that they don't love you if you aren't up

their butts. I try to use it as an opportunity to say that there are many

reasons why people do what they do, don't take it personally life isn't

black and white, there are a lot of gray areas. And she uses this as an

opportunity to say that if the relationship with x person fails, it's not a

big deal, because she NEVER could imagine how terribly our " mother/daughter "

relationship turned out.

Thanks for reading, I had to vent, I feel a little bit better, for now until

the up downs start..

I know I should see a therapist, and I'm in NY where I could find a world

class one, AND I have insurance, so I should take advantage of that.. I just

keep thinking that one day , one week I won't need to talk about this, or

think about this gnawing problem.

-Kris