Nada doesn't understand NC

June 7, 2010

Hey!

If you've been following my posts, you'll have noticed that I'm starting to have

another NC-related guilt flare up. Well, about a week or so ago, I finally sent

a letter to my Nada detailing NC. I kept it brief: I'm well, I'm safe, I'm not

coming home, I'm not contacting you this summer, please don't contact me. That's

a quick summary... I didn't give any details, and I was frank about asking her

not to contact me.

When we went NC, it wasn't premeditated. It was an awkward, painful, confusing

transition. Essentially I had had it after she decided that I was suicidal and

called campus police on me, then insisted on family therapy by phone and ended

on a very hostile, threatening note. I was more afraid of going back to the

relationship than of sacrificing my education, " stability, " etc...

So, I promised myself, my therapist, and my Grandma (in that order) that once I

had a steady job and housing situation, I would send Nada a letter detailing the

NC. One scentence read, " I will not be contacting you, at least for the rest of

the summer, and I will ask you to do the same. " Well, she just got the damn

letter and sent me an email.

It was a sweet email: " I got a letter by post from you today and just so happy

you are doing so well and becoming a very independent young lady.I remember

doing something similar when I was your age - but to my parents too. Oh - and Im

sure you know how much I love you!! xo "

At first the guilt hit me: how could I cut off such a kind, loving mother. Then

I remembered what life with her was actually like. Then I realized, I EXPLICITLY

TOLD HER NOT TO CONTACT ME, and she contacted me anyways. Boundaries?

Helllooooooo?

I'm mad.

I'm really mad.

No, I'm LIVID.

I so desperately wanted to believe that she was the sweet, innocent victim when

I read this. I WANTED to put the blame on myself! I wanted to believe that that

was how she always wrote and acted towards me. Why can't this all just be my

fault? And why can't she be the loving mother who lovingly accepts her stubborn,

misguided daughter back? But then I remember that she clearly violated a

boundary I asked her to respect. She hasn't changed. She may seem nice and kind

and caring, but that boundary issue gets me/us into trouble *every* single time

I get involved with her.

Thank G-d I have therapy tomorrow. I'm so mad that I spend my therapy time

focussing on Nada and the trauma related to that, because I'm making strides in

other areas in my life, and I have concerns and insecurities and trauma-related

stuff there too, but even in NC, I still let Nada and a preoccupation/fear of

her dominate my life. I hate this. I hate her. I hate trauma. I just realized

that I'm throwing a temper tantrum online, so now I feel silly, immature, and

two =P

Ok, sorry for the venting.

I'm not planning on responding to her email. I'm going to show it to my

therapist tomorrow (talk about trust... showing her Nada's threatening emails

was a HUGE hurdle for me). I really want someone to tell me that I'm

overreacting and being a bad daughter, but everyone I know is on my side. It's

simultaneously wonderful and frustrating. I don't want to believe that my

actions are justified because that means acknowledging that what Nada did wasn't

my fault, wasn't ok, and that I really never did have a mother or proper

" childhood " and that's a loss I don't know how to comprehend. I wish I could be

a kid—just for a week! I'd like to at least *know* what I missed out on so that

I can temper any unrealistic ideals.

Wow, venting kept going... I should stop now and save it for therapy. Sorry guys

=( I'm ever so glad I found this site, this has been a wonderful forum for me,

and I hope I've contributed my share of advice <3

Hugs and solidarity,

Frances

June 8, 2010

it kills me how they are. I have just gone through, once again, this whole thing

with my mother. I think it's kind of like it's easy to throw a football a short

distance but to throw it a long distance and have it caught takes a lot of

skill, you have to have good aim, you have to have a decent spiral, etc. so I

think of those really good, skilled passes as the ones that draw me back in. she

has to apply alot more skill to the long distance ones. then I come closer and

that's when the sloppy stuff starts, because I'm there, she can throw it any way

she wants to then. and then the zinger.

personally I just want to scream from the rooftops about repressed trauma,

because my family have those pseudo-religious principles stuffed up their

behinds about stuff like that. forgive and forget (i.e. never address it,

repress it) and that sort of thing. So what do these folks do? they draw their

kids in so they can vomit the toxic waste of sick dysfunctional childhoods all

over them. the kids pull away, so they go on their best behavior again, the kids

come close, out comes the puke of their repressed trauma again. they exploit

their kids in order to keep their warped psychology in place, and the bottom

line is they do this because it is a way of abating their own discomfort. the

bottom line is their COMFORT LEVEL.

Their attempts to make sense of the trauma are incredibly narcissistic and ruin

their relationships with their children. and they are not capable of caring

about it.

I'm about done, I think. My mother is just like that, she doesn't even use alot

of the dramatic behaviors other people on here talk about. I'm just tired of

being used and appropriated and exploited. there is no genuine relationship,

there is only how can she prop me up to deny reality (whatever reality she finds

displeasing at the momeent) and keep up the fiction she has pasted over her

horror of a childhood with.

>

> Hey!

>

> If you've been following my posts, you'll have noticed that I'm starting to

have another NC-related guilt flare up. Well, about a week or so ago, I finally

sent a letter to my Nada detailing NC. I kept it brief: I'm well, I'm safe, I'm

not coming home, I'm not contacting you this summer, please don't contact me.

That's a quick summary... I didn't give any details, and I was frank about

asking her not to contact me.

>

> When we went NC, it wasn't premeditated. It was an awkward, painful, confusing

transition. Essentially I had had it after she decided that I was suicidal and

called campus police on me, then insisted on family therapy by phone and ended

on a very hostile, threatening note. I was more afraid of going back to the

relationship than of sacrificing my education, " stability, " etc...

>

> So, I promised myself, my therapist, and my Grandma (in that order) that once

I had a steady job and housing situation, I would send Nada a letter detailing

the NC. One scentence read, " I will not be contacting you, at least for the rest

of the summer, and I will ask you to do the same. " Well, she just got the damn

letter and sent me an email.

>

> It was a sweet email: " I got a letter by post from you today and just so happy

you are doing so well and becoming a very independent young lady.I remember

doing something similar when I was your age - but to my parents too. Oh - and Im

sure you know how much I love you!! xo "

>

> At first the guilt hit me: how could I cut off such a kind, loving mother.

Then I remembered what life with her was actually like. Then I realized, I

EXPLICITLY TOLD HER NOT TO CONTACT ME, and she contacted me anyways. Boundaries?

Helllooooooo?

>

> I'm mad.

>

> I'm really mad.

>

> No, I'm LIVID.

>

> I so desperately wanted to believe that she was the sweet, innocent victim

when I read this. I WANTED to put the blame on myself! I wanted to believe that

that was how she always wrote and acted towards me. Why can't this all just be

my fault? And why can't she be the loving mother who lovingly accepts her

stubborn, misguided daughter back? But then I remember that she clearly violated

a boundary I asked her to respect. She hasn't changed. She may seem nice and

kind and caring, but that boundary issue gets me/us into trouble *every* single

time I get involved with her.

>

> Thank G-d I have therapy tomorrow. I'm so mad that I spend my therapy time