Re: I wish I wasn't so afraid of setting boundaries

[Guest guest]

Joy,

Were you really a bad kid? Or were you a happy, exuberant, comedic

child who happened to draw the short straw and get a mother who was

seriously crazy?

I will never forget the shame of excitedly telling NADA that the camp

outhouse was called Pepe Le Peu when she came to pick me up, and being

shushed because I was " embarrasing her. "

I have a strong suspicion you weren't doing anything innapropriate at

all and right now I would like to track your NADA down and smack her

upside the head.

Sent from my blueberry.

> I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

>

> I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good

> in my brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my

> sarcasm).

>

> Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm

> noticing I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary

> where before I felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am

> terrified of doing it even though logically I know nothing will

> happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

>

> Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though?

> Sometimes, a certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I

> have to go excuse myself to use the restroom or something.

>

> I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and

> someone I know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch

> with how I was feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

>

> I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still

> worried about what people will think of me. I know they won't be

> pleased, so even though I have this new found notion of setting

> boundaries in situations that I never thought possible before, it

> now makes me nervous because I am still worried about what ppl will

> think.

>

> That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very

> young 7 to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of

> " inappropriate " things. Like talking too loud, or asking

> embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when they came

> over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

> this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I

> wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things

> when they weren't around so I would save up and do things when they

> were there. I knew I could get away with it easier. haha

> I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must

> have been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr

> olds humor, because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She

> then told me to go outside with my sister because my younger sister

> was also laughing about it, and to think about what I had done and

> to think about what God had thought about it.

> I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't

> feel guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking

> down on me and my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead

> because my mind wandered and I started playing outdoors.

> About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if

> I had thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said,

> okay. Well apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and

> she is younger than you and she had to be out here with you.

> So I apologized to her too.

>

> I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am

> starting to not care more and more about what people think of me

> even if I say or act silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was

> in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in a classroom. I

> didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

> group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they

> were deep in conversation.

> I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really

> bad and told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I

> guess I'm staring to come out of the whole guilt thing.

>

> Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel

> guilty setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I

> am going to have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so

> that eventually it will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I

> don't feel like answering that right now. " Or...: I don't really

> feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

>

> Joy

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Darkalleye,

Haha. Thanks for your vote. I saw my T today and I talked to her about some

things and I feel a lot better about all these memories. I have so much buried

shame and guilt we are going to work on addressing those issues the next few

sessions.

I am beginning to realize more and more that besides what I wrote, there are

other instances where it was my NADA that should be the one who is ashamed!

I remember I was getting older and I was even up there in age like close to 12

or 13, and still my Nada would kick me underneath the table when we were

visiting eating at my grandparents' house. I think my family had a " children

should be seen and not heard mentality. "

I think it took a long time for that to sink in with me because I was naturally

more talkative.

Luckily, the most embarrassed my Nada had ever been with me she said was when I

had just turned 2 and it was her, her parents, and my sisters and an uncle who

were at a fancy tea house or some sort of tea place. My grandpa also was there.

He said I saw a bowl of strawberries and picked a bunch up and began throwing

them across to another table where some older women with fancy hats and clothes.

They were shocked and started ducking before they stopped me. My grandpa said

looking back it was funny, but my Nada said, " that was so embarrassing! I felt

so sorry for those women. "

I was too young to remember, but I can only imagine the look on my Nada's face.

And it makes me smile.

Joy

>

> > I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

> >

> > I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good

> > in my brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my

> > sarcasm).

> >

> > Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm

> > noticing I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary

> > where before I felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am

> > terrified of doing it even though logically I know nothing will

> > happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

> >

> > Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though?

> > Sometimes, a certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I

> > have to go excuse myself to use the restroom or something.

> >

> > I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and

> > someone I know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch

> > with how I was feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

> >

> > I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still

> > worried about what people will think of me. I know they won't be

> > pleased, so even though I have this new found notion of setting

> > boundaries in situations that I never thought possible before, it

> > now makes me nervous because I am still worried about what ppl will

> > think.

> >

> > That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very

> > young 7 to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of

> > " inappropriate " things. Like talking too loud, or asking

> > embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when they came

> > over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

> > this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I

> > wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> > embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things

> > when they weren't around so I would save up and do things when they

> > were there. I knew I could get away with it easier. haha

> > I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must

> > have been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr

> > olds humor, because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She

> > then told me to go outside with my sister because my younger sister

> > was also laughing about it, and to think about what I had done and

> > to think about what God had thought about it.

> > I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't

> > feel guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking

> > down on me and my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead

> > because my mind wandered and I started playing outdoors.

> > About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if

> > I had thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said,

> > okay. Well apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and

> > she is younger than you and she had to be out here with you.

> > So I apologized to her too.

> >

> > I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> > sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am

> > starting to not care more and more about what people think of me

> > even if I say or act silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was

> > in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in a classroom. I

> > didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

> > group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they

> > were deep in conversation.

> > I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> > embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really

> > bad and told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I

> > guess I'm staring to come out of the whole guilt thing.

> >

> > Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel

> > guilty setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I

> > am going to have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so

> > that eventually it will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I

> > don't feel like answering that right now. " Or...: I don't really

> > feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

> >

> > Joy

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Darkalleye,

Hey, Pepe Le Peu is a funny one! Ha.

Speaking of another embarrassing moment in which my Nada blushed and never told

me to do it again happened when I was 12 or 13, and we were in the dentist's

office.

The receptionist asked for my Nada's birth date. My Nada told her 06-06-60. I

think being 12 or 13, I just recently heard about " 666 " and how it is a

" doomsday " number. In my excited realization of matching this up with Nada's

number I lost my senses so to speak and blurted out " Hey, Mom! Your birthday is

like 6-6-6! Ooh, I wonder what that means??!! "

She told me afterwards she was so embarrassed that I said that in front of the

receptionist and to never mention something like that again because it has to do

with a bad omen...

Hm... a bad omen. Today, at this very moment, was that so off the mark? (te he.

excuse me. my sarcasm is showing)

-Joy

>

> > I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

> >

> > I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good

> > in my brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my

> > sarcasm).

> >

> > Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm

> > noticing I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary

> > where before I felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am

> > terrified of doing it even though logically I know nothing will

> > happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

> >

> > Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though?

> > Sometimes, a certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I

> > have to go excuse myself to use the restroom or something.

> >

> > I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and

> > someone I know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch

> > with how I was feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

> >

> > I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still

> > worried about what people will think of me. I know they won't be

> > pleased, so even though I have this new found notion of setting

> > boundaries in situations that I never thought possible before, it

> > now makes me nervous because I am still worried about what ppl will

> > think.

> >

> > That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very

> > young 7 to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of

> > " inappropriate " things. Like talking too loud, or asking

> > embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when they came

> > over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

> > this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I

> > wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> > embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things

> > when they weren't around so I would save up and do things when they

> > were there. I knew I could get away with it easier. haha

> > I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must

> > have been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr

> > olds humor, because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She

> > then told me to go outside with my sister because my younger sister

> > was also laughing about it, and to think about what I had done and

> > to think about what God had thought about it.

> > I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't

> > feel guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking

> > down on me and my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead

> > because my mind wandered and I started playing outdoors.

> > About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if

> > I had thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said,

> > okay. Well apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and

> > she is younger than you and she had to be out here with you.

> > So I apologized to her too.

> >

> > I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> > sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am

> > starting to not care more and more about what people think of me

> > even if I say or act silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was

> > in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in a classroom. I

> > didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

> > group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they

> > were deep in conversation.

> > I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> > embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really

> > bad and told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I

> > guess I'm staring to come out of the whole guilt thing.

> >

> > Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel

> > guilty setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I

> > am going to have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so

> > that eventually it will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I

> > don't feel like answering that right now. " Or...: I don't really

> > feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

> >

> > Joy

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Joy - Nah, I think the " 666 " information explains a LOT! We've had other

discussions here about what to tell people when they ask why we don't let our

mothers into our lives. You have the best line ever - " Well, I'd like to, but

she's the Anti-Christ. "

> >

> > > I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

> > >

> > > I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good

> > > in my brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my

> > > sarcasm).

> > >

> > > Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm

> > > noticing I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary

> > > where before I felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am

> > > terrified of doing it even though logically I know nothing will

> > > happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

> > >

> > > Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though?

> > > Sometimes, a certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I

> > > have to go excuse myself to use the restroom or something.

> > >

> > > I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and

> > > someone I know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch

> > > with how I was feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

> > >

> > > I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still

> > > worried about what people will think of me. I know they won't be

> > > pleased, so even though I have this new found notion of setting

> > > boundaries in situations that I never thought possible before, it

> > > now makes me nervous because I am still worried about what ppl will

> > > think.

> > >

> > > That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very

> > > young 7 to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of

> > > " inappropriate " things. Like talking too loud, or asking

> > > embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when they came

> > > over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

> > > this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I

> > > wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> > > embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things

> > > when they weren't around so I would save up and do things when they

> > > were there. I knew I could get away with it easier. haha

> > > I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must

> > > have been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr

> > > olds humor, because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She

> > > then told me to go outside with my sister because my younger sister

> > > was also laughing about it, and to think about what I had done and

> > > to think about what God had thought about it.

> > > I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't

> > > feel guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking

> > > down on me and my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead

> > > because my mind wandered and I started playing outdoors.

> > > About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if

> > > I had thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said,

> > > okay. Well apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and

> > > she is younger than you and she had to be out here with you.

> > > So I apologized to her too.

> > >

> > > I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> > > sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am

> > > starting to not care more and more about what people think of me

> > > even if I say or act silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was

> > > in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in a classroom. I

> > > didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

> > > group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they

> > > were deep in conversation.

> > > I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> > > embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really

> > > bad and told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I

> > > guess I'm staring to come out of the whole guilt thing.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel

> > > guilty setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I

> > > am going to have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so

> > > that eventually it will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I

> > > don't feel like answering that right now. " Or...: I don't really

> > > feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

> > >

> > > Joy

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Lol . -Joy

> > >

> > > > I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

> > > >

> > > > I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good

> > > > in my brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my

> > > > sarcasm).

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm

> > > > noticing I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary

> > > > where before I felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am

> > > > terrified of doing it even though logically I know nothing will

> > > > happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though?

> > > > Sometimes, a certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I

> > > > have to go excuse myself to use the restroom or something.

> > > >

> > > > I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and

> > > > someone I know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch

> > > > with how I was feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

> > > >

> > > > I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still

> > > > worried about what people will think of me. I know they won't be

> > > > pleased, so even though I have this new found notion of setting

> > > > boundaries in situations that I never thought possible before, it

> > > > now makes me nervous because I am still worried about what ppl will

> > > > think.

> > > >

> > > > That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very

> > > > young 7 to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of

> > > > " inappropriate " things. Like talking too loud, or asking

> > > > embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when they came

> > > > over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

> > > > this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I

> > > > wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> > > > embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things

> > > > when they weren't around so I would save up and do things when they

> > > > were there. I knew I could get away with it easier. haha

> > > > I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must

> > > > have been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr

> > > > olds humor, because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She

> > > > then told me to go outside with my sister because my younger sister

> > > > was also laughing about it, and to think about what I had done and

> > > > to think about what God had thought about it.

> > > > I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't

> > > > feel guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking

> > > > down on me and my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead

> > > > because my mind wandered and I started playing outdoors.

> > > > About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if

> > > > I had thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said,

> > > > okay. Well apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and

> > > > she is younger than you and she had to be out here with you.

> > > > So I apologized to her too.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> > > > sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am

> > > > starting to not care more and more about what people think of me

> > > > even if I say or act silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was

> > > > in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in a classroom. I

> > > > didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

> > > > group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they

> > > > were deep in conversation.

> > > > I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> > > > embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really

> > > > bad and told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I

> > > > guess I'm staring to come out of the whole guilt thing.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel

> > > > guilty setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I

> > > > am going to have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so

> > > > that eventually it will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I

> > > > don't feel like answering that right now. " Or...: I don't really

> > > > feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

> > > >

> > > > Joy

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

You articulated so well how I feel many times. All of my life I have had a hard

time saying, " I don't like this, I don't agree with you, What you said upset

me... " You get my meaning.

Like yourself, I've been peering into myself more, getting more

self-understanding. I started seeing a therapist a few months after my father

died. Even that was like, " it's ok now; he's gone. " My father was the person

who mostly made me feel like I had no voice, no opinion, or if I did have one,

it was wrong.

So, I do hear how you feel. Even yesterday, my husband was asking me what I

thought about an idea he had for something my daughter could do this summer.

Joy, my husband is a great guy, easy to talk to. But at that moment, for some

reason, I felt like <swooosh>, I went back in time and was sitting with my

father. I was so afraid to say NO I DON'T LIKE THIS IDEA. I felt like a little

kid. I think it's b/c I am used to others making decisions for me. My father

always told me what was best for me. He decided.

I almost went along with my husband's idea. But, somewhere, I found the voice to

say, " No, that doesn't work for me. At all. " I held my breath, like I did as a

kid, when I would wait for my father to roar if I dared to disagree. Of course,

my husband said, " ok! "

I'm hoping, with practice, our assertiveness muscle will get stronger.

Meantime, just know you're not the only one feeling this way.

Take good care,

Fiona

>

> I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

>

> I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good in my

brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my sarcasm).

>

> Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm noticing I'm

becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary where before I felt I

didn't even have the choice. However, I am terrified of doing it even though

logically I know nothing will happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

>

> Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though? Sometimes, a

certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I have to go excuse myself

to use the restroom or something.

>

> I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and someone I

know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch with how I was

feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

>

> I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still worried

about what people will think of me. I know they won't be pleased, so even though

I have this new found notion of setting boundaries in situations that I never

thought possible before, it now makes me nervous because I am still worried

about what ppl will think.

>

> That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very young 7 to

8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of " inappropriate " things. Like

talking too loud, or asking embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of

guests when they came over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for

all of this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I wasn't

allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was embarressing to her

and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things when they weren't around so I

would save up and do things when they were there. I knew I could get away with

it easier. haha

> I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must have been

naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr olds humor, because my

mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She then told me to go outside with my

sister because my younger sister was also laughing about it, and to think about

what I had done and to think about what God had thought about it.

> I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't feel guilty

about it, and I felt I should because God was looking down on me and my sister

frowning. oops. I started singing instead because my mind wandered and I started

playing outdoors.

> About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if I had

thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said, okay. Well

apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and she is younger than you

and she had to be out here with you.

> So I apologized to her too.

>

> I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still sometimes

feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am starting to not care

more and more about what people think of me even if I say or act silly or weird.

That happened yesterday. I was in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in

a classroom. I didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they were deep in

conversation.

> I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad embarrassed

but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really bad and told myself how

stupid i was for not checking the flash. I guess I'm staring to come out of the

whole guilt thing.

>

> Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel guilty setting

boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I am going to have to start

setting really uncomfortable boundaries so that eventually it will get easier.

Even if it's something like: " I don't feel like answering that right now. "

Or...: I don't really feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

>

> Joy

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

It's always a pleasure to read your posts. Your self awareness and

insights consistently turn on light bulbs in my head and allow me to

reorganize my perceptions in a postive way.

This feeling of being a shamed bad little kid. My therapist has tried to

validate this feeling, but I never knew what she was talking about. If

shame is all I know, I just assume it's normal way of feeling. Only when

I'm exruciatingly shamed can I say " I feel shamed " , but at that point, I'm

too ashamed to even admit I'm ashamed, HaHa.... sigh.

As for the whole setting boundaries and feeling bad, I'm in the same boat

you are in. I haven't had to set them in a while, but next time I do, I

think I'm going to follow up with a question like " How are things going with

you and " some thing positive in their life. Just to show that I'm still

genuinely interested in them and still want a relationship. I wish people

did that with me when I accidentaly crossed boundaries.

>

>

> I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

>

> I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good in my

> brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my sarcasm).

>

> Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm noticing

> I'm becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary where before I

> felt I didn't even have the choice. However, I am terrified of doing it even

> though logically I know nothing will happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

>

> Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though? Sometimes, a

> certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I have to go excuse

> myself to use the restroom or something.

>

> I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and someone I

> know (who I was fine with until I became more in touch with how I was

> feeling)asks questions that make me uncomfortable.

>

> I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still worried

> about what people will think of me. I know they won't be pleased, so even

> though I have this new found notion of setting boundaries in situations that

> I never thought possible before, it now makes me nervous because I am still

> worried about what ppl will think.

>

> That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very young 7

> to 8 I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of " inappropriate " things.

> Like talking too loud, or asking embarressing questions. Or dancing in front

> of guests when they came over because I thought it would be funny. I was

> shamed for all of this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny

> because I wasn't allowed to do these other things because my mom said it was

> embarressing to her and her guests. I couldn't do a lot of things when they

> weren't around so I would save up and do things when they were there. I knew

> I could get away with it easier. haha

> I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must have

> been naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr olds humor,

> because my mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She then told me to go

> outside with my sister because my younger sister was also laughing about it,

> and to think about what I had done and to think about what God had thought

> about it.

> I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't feel

> guilty about it, and I felt I should because God was looking down on me and

> my sister frowning. oops. I started singing instead because my mind wandered

> and I started playing outdoors.

> About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if I had

> thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said, okay. Well

> apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and she is younger than

> you and she had to be out here with you.

> So I apologized to her too.

>

> I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still

> sometimes feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am starting

> to not care more and more about what people think of me even if I say or act

> silly or weird. That happened yesterday. I was in a hurry, and I took a

> picture of a drawing in a classroom. I didn't know the flash was on and it

> was really bright and made a group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat

> irritated because they were deep in conversation.

> I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad

> embarrassed but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really bad and

> told myself how stupid i was for not checking the flash. I guess I'm staring

> to come out of the whole guilt thing.

>

> Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel guilty

> setting boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I am going to

> have to start setting really uncomfortable boundaries so that eventually it

> will get easier. Even if it's something like: " I don't feel like answering

> that right now. " Or...: I don't really feel like discussing that topic. " and

> then drop it.

>

> Joy

>

>

>