In a new place...

[Guest guest]

I surprised myself a few weeks ago by writing a letter to my mum to tell her

that she needed to get some help with her anger, and that I couldn't continue

seeing her until she did. I have danced her dance for for a life-time and I am

tired of it.

I have detailed the events in a few posts already. In short, after a recent

period of " good " behaviour, the inevitable " blow up " happened and I spent a

wearisome evening enduring repeated nasty phone calls and hang ups and a string

of insulting text messages. They seem to come from nowhere. These " lash outs "

leave me in emotional turmoil every time. I spent years questioning myself,

believing her disjointed, skewed recounts partly because the behaviour was so

perplexing that I doubted my own perceptions and recollections and also

particularly when I was younger, I just wanted to accept the " nice mum " that

reappeared because that was so comforting. She would always have excuses and the

wild behaviour was always prompted by some lovely, innocent motivation- her deep

love for me or her own desperate pining for love in a great time of need for

instance. Needless to say the impact of all of this on one's self esteem, belief

in one's self etc etc. I was always left in self doubt and feeling like I was

the nasty, selfish, horrible person that she said I was. This was exacerbated by

the fact that I am the only child and I have grown up without my father. I have

seen mum's struggles as an only parent and the worry, guilt and sense of

responsibility this inspires is tremendous.

Well, it took years of soul searching, chats with friends and councellors to

really understand and believe that I was not the cause. I discovered " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and the title itself was so adept at describing how I

felt. It just seemed to fit.

Moving into my thirties, I embraced not the wrinkles accumulating mercilessly

, but the just reward from all the painful mistakes and self-reflection of

one's twenties- a greater sense of self and belief in my convictions. I grew in

confidence and began to have faith in my own perceptions and recollections of

events- I love you and deeply appreciate everything you have done for me, but it

is not o.k to treat me like that. I know that you are upset with me, but I

don't deserve to be yelled at and abused etc.

In the last few years, it has been less about craving the nice mum to return and

burying the harsh reality, sometimes even living in the vain hope that this time

things really might be different, and has become more about me asserting my

boundaries and maintaining them. This has been quite empowering, but alas, the

painful cycle of things being seemingly fine until the inevitable blow up has

continued.

Perhaps it's having a baby of my own that has inspired this great need for

change. Or perhaps it's the fact that I am now so strong in my conviction that I

am not the cause for this behaviour, nor am I responsible for the myriad of

trials that she is forever encountering. Whatever the case, when the last

battering occurred, I just had to do something different. It just had to stop.

So I wrote the letter with as much compassion, love and humility as I could. I

pointed out how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything that she

had done to me. But the anger was too much for me. I couldn't be the person to

help her fix this. I really hoped she would be willing to look within to see the

pattern (I'm not the only one who suffers these tirades of abuse) and see the

need for change. Then I could continue my relationship with her.

Ironically, this request was met with another tirade of abusive messages and

letters. My best friend and in-laws copped it as well. I wrote to her again,

begging her to see that it was out of great love for her that I was asking this.

To my surprise she messaged me to say thank you. She was getting help and that

she had read over her messages and felt remorse. What a surprising positive

reaction! I have tried not to get too attached to this response, but can't help

but feel a little glimmer of hope. Since then I have had a number of nice

messages from her. She has even called my in-laws to apologise, even if she did

put it down to having a mouth ulcer. What a strange reaction to a sore mouth!!

Almost funny if it wasn't so plainly sad!

Anyway, here I am in this new place. I have surprised myself set the biggest

boundary yet. Despite my convictions, it has been really difficult. I still have

overwhelming feelings of guilt, self doubt and worry that raise their ugly head

from time to time. She is all alone and has no one else. She is really

struggling. She is really trying to get her life back on track etc. etc.

Despite my feelings, I have no understanding of where to from here. I don't feel

I can cut her out of my life completely. I need to maintain humility and

compassion and at the same time maintain very firm boundaries because I can't

just carry on as though nothing has happened and allow the cycle to continue. I

read somewhere on here (and I'm sure much more eloquently as I'm about to put

it!) that the only time that we are willing to venture into the scariness of the

unknown is when the reality of now is bleaker. I could really relate to that.

I'm not sure there's an answer, but talking about it and writing about it seems

to help make some sense of the madness, even if just fleetingly.

If you have read this far, thank you kindly.

With warmth,

Lynda

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing this Lynda. I hope I get to the point where I can write

my nada such a letter. I felt very moved and inspired by your letter and

thought it was such a good way of putting it.

May I just say one thing? Don't let down your guard just yet. I'm so glad she

was positive about it, but my nada often pulls that kind of thing and it's a

trick. So guard your emotions from her.

I heard on WTO that Randi Kreger says it takes at least 3-5 years in therapy

with a BPD trained therapist for real change to begin in BPs. So, please be

careful. But go on hoping!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, June 19, 2010 7:08:00 AM

Subject: In a new place...

I surprised myself a few weeks ago by writing a letter to my mum to tell her

that she needed to get some help with her anger, and that I couldn't continue

seeing her until she did. I have danced her dance for for a life-time and I am

tired of it.

I have detailed the events in a few posts already. In short, after a recent

period of " good " behaviour, the inevitable " blow up " happened and I spent a

wearisome evening enduring repeated nasty phone calls and hang ups and a string

of insulting text messages. They seem to come from nowhere. These " lash outs "

leave me in emotional turmoil every time. I spent years questioning myself,

believing her disjointed, skewed recounts partly because the behaviour was so

perplexing that I doubted my own perceptions and recollections and also

particularly when I was younger, I just wanted to accept the " nice mum " that

reappeared because that was so comforting. She would always have excuses and the

wild behaviour was always prompted by some lovely, innocent motivation- her deep

love for me or her own desperate pining for love in a great time of need for

instance. Needless to say the impact of all of this on one's self esteem, belief

in one's self etc etc. I was

always left in self doubt and feeling like I was the nasty, selfish, horrible

person that she said I was. This was exacerbated by the fact that I am the only

child and I have grown up without my father. I have seen mum's struggles as an

only parent and the worry, guilt and sense of responsibility this inspires is

tremendous.

Well, it took years of soul searching, chats with friends and councellors to

really understand and believe that I was not the cause. I discovered " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and the title itself was so adept at describing how I

felt. It just seemed to fit.

Moving into my thirties, I embraced not the wrinkles accumulating mercilessly

, but the just reward from all the painful mistakes and self-reflection of

one's twenties- a greater sense of self and belief in my convictions. I grew in

confidence and began to have faith in my own perceptions and recollections of

events- I love you and deeply appreciate everything you have done for me, but it

is not o.k to treat me like that. I know that you are upset with me, but I

don't deserve to be yelled at and abused etc.

In the last few years, it has been less about craving the nice mum to return and

burying the harsh reality, sometimes even living in the vain hope that this time

things really might be different, and has become more about me asserting my

boundaries and maintaining them. This has been quite empowering, but alas, the

painful cycle of things being seemingly fine until the inevitable blow up has

continued.

Perhaps it's having a baby of my own that has inspired this great need for

change. Or perhaps it's the fact that I am now so strong in my conviction that I

am not the cause for this behaviour, nor am I responsible for the myriad of

trials that she is forever encountering. Whatever the case, when the last

battering occurred, I just had to do something different. It just had to stop.

So I wrote the letter with as much compassion, love and humility as I could. I

pointed out how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything that she

had done to me. But the anger was too much for me. I couldn't be the person to

help her fix this. I really hoped she would be willing to look within to see the

pattern (I'm not the only one who suffers these tirades of abuse) and see the

need for change. Then I could continue my relationship with her.

Ironically, this request was met with another tirade of abusive messages and

letters. My best friend and in-laws copped it as well. I wrote to her again,

begging her to see that it was out of great love for her that I was asking this.

To my surprise she messaged me to say thank you. She was getting help and that

she had read over her messages and felt remorse. What a surprising positive

reaction! I have tried not to get too attached to this response, but can't help

but feel a little glimmer of hope. Since then I have had a number of nice

messages from her. She has even called my in-laws to apologise, even if she did

put it down to having a mouth ulcer. What a strange reaction to a sore mouth!!

Almost funny if it wasn't so plainly sad!

Anyway, here I am in this new place. I have surprised myself set the biggest

boundary yet. Despite my convictions, it has been really difficult. I still have

overwhelming feelings of guilt, self doubt and worry that raise their ugly head

from time to time. She is all alone and has no one else. She is really

struggling. She is really trying to get her life back on track etc. etc.

Despite my feelings, I have no understanding of where to from here. I don't feel

I can cut her out of my life completely. I need to maintain humility and

compassion and at the same time maintain very firm boundaries because I can't

just carry on as though nothing has happened and allow the cycle to continue. I

read somewhere on here (and I'm sure much more eloquently as I'm about to put

it!) that the only time that we are willing to venture into the scariness of the

unknown is when the reality of now is bleaker. I could really relate to that.

I'm not sure there's an answer, but talking about it and writing about it seems

to help make some sense of the madness, even if just fleetingly.

If you have read this far, thank you kindly.

With warmth,

Lynda

[Guest guest]

Thanks for responding to my post. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I am reluctant to get too attached to her positive comments, as her saying that

she is getting help could simply mean that she is praying (with respect to

people with Faith). I also know that she needs to have awareness about her

condition to be able to seek the right kind of help. It could also just be a way

of roping me back in and playing the victim again, who only lashes out due to

her immense need for love.

I'm really not sure what will happen next. I had some very nice text messages to

which I just responded with civil, but restrained replies. I haven't heard from

her for a couple of days, which makes me nervous. I would have normally

contacted her by now to see if she is ok, so everything about this is new. I

have had to really coach myself through my incessant worry about her by telling

myself over and over that no matter what I do I can't fix her.I spent last week

contacting her doctors and church so that people in her network would be looking

out for her because I knew that I couldn't, so that has set my mind at ease a

little.

If she does contact me I plan to just tell her that I need some more time to

work out how I'm feeling and I guess that's the truth. I really don't know how

I'm feeling or what the next step is. I also don't know what I will be met with-

soft, gentle mum who has been reflective and is sorry and has a million of

absurd excuses for her behaviour or angry mum who is still hurting badly from my

unspeakable cruelty.

I am seeing someone tomorrow who is from an organisation that provides support

for people whose family members have mental illness, so perhaps that will help

me move forward.

Thanks again for reading.

Lynda:)

>

> Thank you for sharing this Lynda. I hope I get to the point where I can write

my nada such a letter. I felt very moved and inspired by your letter and

thought it was such a good way of putting it.

>

> May I just say one thing? Don't let down your guard just yet. I'm so glad

she was positive about it, but my nada often pulls that kind of thing and it's a

trick. So guard your emotions from her.

>

> I heard on WTO that Randi Kreger says it takes at least 3-5 years in therapy

with a BPD trained therapist for real change to begin in BPs. So, please be

careful. But go on hoping!

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sat, June 19, 2010 7:08:00 AM

> Subject: In a new place...

>

>

> I surprised myself a few weeks ago by writing a letter to my mum to tell her

that she needed to get some help with her anger, and that I couldn't continue

seeing her until she did. I have danced her dance for for a life-time and I am

tired of it.

> I have detailed the events in a few posts already. In short, after a recent

period of " good " behaviour, the inevitable " blow up " happened and I spent a

wearisome evening enduring repeated nasty phone calls and hang ups and a string

of insulting text messages. They seem to come from nowhere. These " lash outs "

leave me in emotional turmoil every time. I spent years questioning myself,

believing her disjointed, skewed recounts partly because the behaviour was so

perplexing that I doubted my own perceptions and recollections and also

particularly when I was younger, I just wanted to accept the " nice mum " that

reappeared because that was so comforting. She would always have excuses and the

wild behaviour was always prompted by some lovely, innocent motivation- her deep

love for me or her own desperate pining for love in a great time of need for

instance. Needless to say the impact of all of this on one's self esteem, belief

in one's self etc etc. I was

> always left in self doubt and feeling like I was the nasty, selfish, horrible

person that she said I was. This was exacerbated by the fact that I am the only

child and I have grown up without my father. I have seen mum's struggles as an

only parent and the worry, guilt and sense of responsibility this inspires is

tremendous.

> Well, it took years of soul searching, chats with friends and councellors to

really understand and believe that I was not the cause. I discovered " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and the title itself was so adept at describing how I

felt. It just seemed to fit.

> Moving into my thirties, I embraced not the wrinkles accumulating mercilessly

, but the just reward from all the painful mistakes and self-reflection of

one's twenties- a greater sense of self and belief in my convictions. I grew in

confidence and began to have faith in my own perceptions and recollections of

events- I love you and deeply appreciate everything you have done for me, but it

is not o.k to treat me like that. I know that you are upset with me, but I

don't deserve to be yelled at and abused etc.

> In the last few years, it has been less about craving the nice mum to return

and burying the harsh reality, sometimes even living in the vain hope that this

time things really might be different, and has become more about me asserting my

boundaries and maintaining them. This has been quite empowering, but alas, the

painful cycle of things being seemingly fine until the inevitable blow up has

continued.

> Perhaps it's having a baby of my own that has inspired this great need for

change. Or perhaps it's the fact that I am now so strong in my conviction that I

am not the cause for this behaviour, nor am I responsible for the myriad of

trials that she is forever encountering. Whatever the case, when the last

battering occurred, I just had to do something different. It just had to stop.

> So I wrote the letter with as much compassion, love and humility as I could. I

pointed out how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything that she

had done to me. But the anger was too much for me. I couldn't be the person to

help her fix this. I really hoped she would be willing to look within to see the

pattern (I'm not the only one who suffers these tirades of abuse) and see the

need for change. Then I could continue my relationship with her.

> Ironically, this request was met with another tirade of abusive messages and

letters. My best friend and in-laws copped it as well. I wrote to her again,

begging her to see that it was out of great love for her that I was asking this.

To my surprise she messaged me to say thank you. She was getting help and that

she had read over her messages and felt remorse. What a surprising positive

reaction! I have tried not to get too attached to this response, but can't help

but feel a little glimmer of hope. Since then I have had a number of nice

messages from her. She has even called my in-laws to apologise, even if she did

put it down to having a mouth ulcer. What a strange reaction to a sore mouth!!

Almost funny if it wasn't so plainly sad!

> Anyway, here I am in this new place. I have surprised myself set the biggest

boundary yet. Despite my convictions, it has been really difficult. I still have

overwhelming feelings of guilt, self doubt and worry that raise their ugly head

from time to time. She is all alone and has no one else. She is really

struggling. She is really trying to get her life back on track etc. etc.

> Despite my feelings, I have no understanding of where to from here. I don't

feel I can cut her out of my life completely. I need to maintain humility and

compassion and at the same time maintain very firm boundaries because I can't

just carry on as though nothing has happened and allow the cycle to continue. I

read somewhere on here (and I'm sure much more eloquently as I'm about to put

it!) that the only time that we are willing to venture into the scariness of the

unknown is when the reality of now is bleaker. I could really relate to that.

> I'm not sure there's an answer, but talking about it and writing about it

seems to help make some sense of the madness, even if just fleetingly.

> If you have read this far, thank you kindly.

>

> With warmth,

> Lynda

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