Seeing my mum after a period of LC and first post

June 19, 2010

HI Everyone,

I have reading these forums for a couple of months now but haven't posted

anything until now. Since I have found about about BPD and with the help of

these forums so much of my life with my mum makes sense! It is a relief for me.

My mum is not the overt BPD type, she is high functioning and the BPD it is

subtle and when I try to explain to others (and even to myself) I can question

myself if I am just making a big deal out of nothing.

I have been in recovery for a number of years from addiction and while I have

tried to work hard in my recovery and have made big steps in other areas of my

life, with my mum it is like when I am around her I enter some kind of vortex.

All these healthy recovery behaviors I try to practice such as empathy,

assertiveness, perspective, honesty, thinking before speaking don't seem to

count for anything with her. In fact over the last few years the more I have

practiced these recovery behaviors around her, the worse our relationship has

gotten! Where as with other relationships I have and practice healthy behaviors,

the relationship gets better. This is what I mean when I say vortex. Enter a

space with her and it is `normal' rules off!

Recently I have gone LC mainly because I just couldn't see the point of being

around someone that I feel I have suspend normal `rules' of relationships and

that attempted manipulation by her is a rule I have to accept.

I was angry for years at her and while I am still angry now, I am much more in

the acceptance phase than I have been in the past. These forums and books about

BPD have helped get me to that place.

So now, mum phones a few days ago and says she wants to meet in a neutral place

and says some things about wanting to seek help. The last couple of times I have

spoken to her I have clearly stated that until she seeks help I am keeping my

distance (is that emotional blackmail or setting a boundary? I don't know). My

first thought is that she is being dishonest only talking about seeking help so

she can get an opening with me and then the manipulation will start eventually

just like it has done pretty much every time. My second thought is how sad is

that? Not even being able to trust my own mother and having to be on guard AT

ALL TIMES! That is another reason I went LC, the amount of effort it took to be

on guard at all times was just getting really tiresome.

Anyway as she sounded `reasonable' on the phone, I agreed to meet her later on

this afternoon outside a supermarket. Easy parking and hopefully I can get away

quickly if she starts up.

I have spoken without a friend about this and basically I have to go in with an

attitude of NO expectations from her or how the conversation will go.

So I will see how it goes.

Thanks again everyone, I will try to post more with some background about

specific BPD behaviors and KO feelings. I would like to get some more

identification around that.

x

Nav

June 21, 2010

Dear Nav,

I am like you, new to this forum and have been similarly amazed at how much I

can relate to what people write about here and it has helped me make some sense

of the madness- even if just fleetingly:)

A few weeks ago, I did a similar thing to you in that I wrote to my mum telling

her that I believed she needed to get help with her anger and that I couldn't

keep seeing her until she did. Her reaction was surprise, surprise more anger

until I wrote another letter insisting that it was out of love for her that I

made this request to which she very surprisingly thanked me and said that she

was getting help. I must admit, that threw me a bit, because according to my

" terms " I will see her now and yet I am far from ready to. I am unprepared to

accept her spin on the version of events where she basically lost it for no

reason and proceeded to abuse me all night through phone calls and nasty sms's.I

am also, like you, worried that her agreeing to accept help is just another form

of manipulation.

She has since messaged me a few times with some nice casual messages and then

nothing for a few days, which makes me quite nervous. I'm unsure what to do

next. All I know is that I can't allow things to continue as they have, it is

just too exhausting to say the least.

I did some real soul-searching around the letter I wrote, which I tried to frame

in a very loving, compassionate way and I really don't think it is emotional

blackmail as you have questioned. I think it is ok to be strong in your

assertions about the way that you wish to be treated (or more to the point, not

treated!) and regardless of how unwell they are (I too try and maintain

compassion for that)it is very difficult being on the receiving end of repeated

manipulation, hostility and anger. Also, when I am experiencing self doubt about

my actions (as I invariably do on this constant roller-coaster of emotions!), I

remind myself that my boundary setting is a mutually beneficial action as it

teaches my mum about healthy relationships as well (well it is my great hope!).

Anyway, I don't think you should feel at all bad about setting a boundary like

that!

I am basically unsure about where to next, but I just know that I have to

maintain my boundaries, which is much easier said than done, because I want to

have humility within my actions as well.

I just know that I am reluctant to see her, because I know my resolve can be so

easily rail-roaded with all of her perplexing tangents and my own incessant

confusion about how I am feeling etc. I found letter writing really great for

that reason because I could be really reflective and communicate my feelings,

needs etc clearly. But alas life is not so black and white, so I too have to see

how I go with this next part of the journey. I must admit, I'm feeling pretty

nervous.

I have been seeking a lot of advice these past few weeks from various people and

one woman recently said to me that given the pattern that I am describing that

it is unlikely to ever really expect change unless mum has the correct diagnosis

and treatment, (which of course is dependant on her recognising a problem in the

first place) and that all I could really hope for is to manage the behaviour

through learning ways to set boundaries etc. She also said that I was in charge

of how often I saw her. As obvious as the latter point sounds, it was quite a

revelation to me. Though I guess didn't make my next course of action any

clearer

Anyway, what I really wanted to say (I didn't intend to write so much, sorry!)

is that I hope your meeting went well with your mum.

I think your approach was wise-going with no expectations and also with an easy

option of escape should you need it Best of luck with it all!

Take care.

With warmth, Lynda

>

> HI Everyone,

> I have reading these forums for a couple of months now but haven't posted

anything until now. Since I have found about about BPD and with the help of

these forums so much of my life with my mum makes sense! It is a relief for me.

> My mum is not the overt BPD type, she is high functioning and the BPD it is

subtle and when I try to explain to others (and even to myself) I can question

myself if I am just making a big deal out of nothing.

> I have been in recovery for a number of years from addiction and while I have