Re: Your obsession with your mother is ruining our marriage

[Guest guest]

what's the difference between staying together or divorcing and living together?

is the only difference giving up hope? is that something you really want to do?

and if so, why?

Just something for you to ask yourself.

-Deanna

>

>

> > Being married is hard work sometimes. Can't live with 'em, can't smother

'em in their sleep (and get away with it...).

> >

> >

>

> I have this fantasy that if worse comes to worse we can divorce and still

live together. It would mean I was over the moving knee-jerk-reaction and we

are both healthy enough to raise kids together but have our own lives.

>

> I don't know where I get this kind of unrealistic hope from!

>

> He's nervous but has re-agreed to go with me to therapy.

>

[Guest guest]

When my dad was alive, my mom used to say it would be just perfect if they could

buy a duplex and live separately, but next door. I have to say, it sounds

pretty good. Just having a little privacy now and again, and not having to

clean up his messes...but still having him around to watch MI-5 and Saturday

Night Live with.

Disa - I can understand why others have said to just call it quits and get away

from him, because his behavior does sound abusive to me, too. But I also get

what you said about him being a good dad. Having small kids in the picture does

change the dynamic. It's harder to dig out from under a rocky marriage when you

need financial stability and a second parent to help raise them. So I

understand why you want to give therapy a chance to work. Hopefully he'll relax

and listen enough to realize he is NOT winning points with this behavior. And I

sincerely hope the therapist provides enough of a safe space for you to tell him

- flat-out - that he is NOT entitled to put all the burden on you. One of the

good things therapy can do is to teach you both how to fight with each other and

solve issues without hurting one another. Good luck with it.

> >

> >

> > > Being married is hard work sometimes. Can't live with 'em, can't smother

'em in their sleep (and get away with it...).

> > >

> > >

> >

> > I have this fantasy that if worse comes to worse we can divorce and

still live together. It would mean I was over the moving knee-jerk-reaction and

we are both healthy enough to raise kids together but have our own lives.

> >

> > I don't know where I get this kind of unrealistic hope from!

> >

> > He's nervous but has re-agreed to go with me to therapy.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, . I think a big part of this problem is that I had to come out

of my comfort zone to be ok with simply having a relationship, and I did not

tell him when he did things that really bothered me in the start of it. So now

he's like, whoa...what happened to you to hate me all of a sudden? But for me

it's been building.

Not that I hate him, of course. I just need things to change. He's bitter but

is still hanging on to me.

>

> When my dad was alive, my mom used to say it would be just perfect if they

could buy a duplex and live separately, but next door. I have to say, it sounds

pretty good. Just having a little privacy now and again, and not having to

clean up his messes...but still having him around to watch MI-5 and Saturday

Night Live with.

>

> Disa - I can understand why others have said to just call it quits and get

away from him, because his behavior does sound abusive to me, too. But I also

get what you said about him being a good dad. Having small kids in the picture

does change the dynamic. It's harder to dig out from under a rocky marriage

when you need financial stability and a second parent to help raise them. So I

understand why you want to give therapy a chance to work. Hopefully he'll relax

and listen enough to realize he is NOT winning points with this behavior. And I

sincerely hope the therapist provides enough of a safe space for you to tell him

- flat-out - that he is NOT entitled to put all the burden on you. One of the

good things therapy can do is to teach you both how to fight with each other and

solve issues without hurting one another. Good luck with it.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If we were divorced we wouldn't have to answer to each other, just work out a

schedule.

I miss being my own person. I feel guilty if I go out without him. If I run

into my male neighbor while I'm walking my kids I keep everyone on the sidewalk

(not in his yard) to say hello and tell my DH about the encounter as soon as I

get home.

I like having a spouse.

I like having an active dad for the kids.

I don't like all the guilt that I have for no reason.

I don't like being put in the situation to make all the decisions and no matter

what I choose it's only criticism I hear.

I realized I gave him my power even before he asked me to. I miss it.

Feeling stuck, and I put myself here. I started smoking again just for a bit of

rebellion.

What the hell is wrong with me?

> >

> >

> > > Being married is hard work sometimes. Can't live with 'em, can't smother

'em in their sleep (and get away with it...).

> > >

> > >

> >

> > I have this fantasy that if worse comes to worse we can divorce and

still live together. It would mean I was over the moving knee-jerk-reaction and

we are both healthy enough to raise kids together but have our own lives.

> >

> > I don't know where I get this kind of unrealistic hope from!

> >

> > He's nervous but has re-agreed to go with me to therapy.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Disa - Oh, God, yes - I read your other post about what you like/don't like -

about handing him your power without him ever asking for it - and now he isn't

comfortable with YOUR changing attitudes. I was so thrilled to have a

boyfriend/husband, I spoiled my guy rotten, and now that I'm putting the BP-mom

puzzle together and realizing that I wasn't such a worthless person after all,

it causes friction. I'm telling him that I don't want to live with his

unilateral life decisions (where to live, how to spend family money) - and he's

just not hearing me clearly. It's going to come to a head when my son is grown

and gone, and I'm preparing for that right now - taking my power back a day at a

time, in small steps. I love him, I'm grateful that he's been a good provider

for our family, a great dad, and that he puts up with my faults (which are

many), but I'm getting ready for the next phase of my life, and it doesn't

include being dictated to in ANY way. We either operate as a full partnership,

or I'm not sure staying together will be worth it. I'm weighing those options

every day, many times a day. Just like dealing with my mom, this is a process.

It looks like you and I both have our work cut out for us.

> >

> > When my dad was alive, my mom used to say it would be just perfect if they

could buy a duplex and live separately, but next door. I have to say, it sounds

pretty good. Just having a little privacy now and again, and not having to

clean up his messes...but still having him around to watch MI-5 and Saturday

Night Live with.

> >

> > Disa - I can understand why others have said to just call it quits and get

away from him, because his behavior does sound abusive to me, too. But I also

get what you said about him being a good dad. Having small kids in the picture

does change the dynamic. It's harder to dig out from under a rocky marriage

when you need financial stability and a second parent to help raise them. So I

understand why you want to give therapy a chance to work. Hopefully he'll relax

and listen enough to realize he is NOT winning points with this behavior. And I

sincerely hope the therapist provides enough of a safe space for you to tell him

- flat-out - that he is NOT entitled to put all the burden on you. One of the

good things therapy can do is to teach you both how to fight with each other and

solve issues without hurting one another. Good luck with it.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What I'm hearing is that there are some things about him you don't like. When

he is jealous, controlling, judgmental, immature, insecure.

What I am NOT hearing is that you're not cut out for marriage, or you can't make

a relationship last, or you're happier alone.

MAYBE you believe that you aren't good in relationships, or can't make them

work, or everything turns to shit, or you can't open up or whatever. Since

you're used to that, maybe you're looking at your current situation and saying,

" what's wrong with me that I don't want to make this work? " Kind of putting the

blame on yourself.

Perhaps what is really going on is that some of his behaviors are unacceptable,

and THAT is what you don't like. You're assuming that you just can't do

relationships, but you CAN do relationships!

Sometimes we get so used to our patterns that we put everything in the context

of them, even when it is not appropriate.

Deanna

> > >

> > >

> > > > Being married is hard work sometimes. Can't live with 'em, can't

smother 'em in their sleep (and get away with it...).

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > I have this fantasy that if worse comes to worse we can divorce and

still live together. It would mean I was over the moving knee-jerk-reaction and

we are both healthy enough to raise kids together but have our own lives.

> > >

> > > I don't know where I get this kind of unrealistic hope from!

> > >

> > > He's nervous but has re-agreed to go with me to therapy.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

! Yes! A partnership! That doesn't mean one person telling the other

what to do, or how to live, or if they want to take a ten minute walk by

themselves making them feel like they are abandoning their family!

Now that I have some perspective behind me, I think that is the only way to have

a healthy relationship. Having two people with lives outside each other being

together because they like the other's company.

Good for you, getting your power back! Focusing on his good aspects of your

husband I'm sure is helpful, but taking care of yourself is priority.

Stupid communication skills...I gotta get me some of those.

> > >

> > > When my dad was alive, my mom used to say it would be just perfect if they

could buy a duplex and live separately, but next door. I have to say, it sounds

pretty good. Just having a little privacy now and again, and not having to

clean up his messes...but still having him around to watch MI-5 and Saturday

Night Live with.

> > >

> > > Disa - I can understand why others have said to just call it quits and get

away from him, because his behavior does sound abusive to me, too. But I also

get what you said about him being a good dad. Having small kids in the picture

does change the dynamic. It's harder to dig out from under a rocky marriage

when you need financial stability and a second parent to help raise them. So I

understand why you want to give therapy a chance to work. Hopefully he'll relax

and listen enough to realize he is NOT winning points with this behavior. And I

sincerely hope the therapist provides enough of a safe space for you to tell him

- flat-out - that he is NOT entitled to put all the burden on you. One of the

good things therapy can do is to teach you both how to fight with each other and

solve issues without hurting one another. Good luck with it.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're right, it's his behaviors, not really him. I can't believe we have to

wait for so long for therapy, we've gone through all kinds of chaos just waiting

for this first appointment!

I can do this. I can do this. I can.

>

> What I'm hearing is that there are some things about him you don't like. When

he is jealous, controlling, judgmental, immature, insecure.

>

> What I am NOT hearing is that you're not cut out for marriage, or you can't

make a relationship last, or you're happier alone.

>

> MAYBE you believe that you aren't good in relationships, or can't make them

work, or everything turns to shit, or you can't open up or whatever. Since

you're used to that, maybe you're looking at your current situation and saying,

" what's wrong with me that I don't want to make this work? " Kind of putting the

blame on yourself.

>

> Perhaps what is really going on is that some of his behaviors are

unacceptable, and THAT is what you don't like. You're assuming that you just

can't do relationships, but you CAN do relationships!

>

> Sometimes we get so used to our patterns that we put everything in the context

of them, even when it is not appropriate.

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

> Often, when I was seeking answers and tools, I was trying to find the magic

formula that would somehow make them okay. The logic goes: If only I could

find the right words and twist myself in the right way, they will stop abusing

me and treat me with respect and care.

Karla, oh man can I relate to what you wrote above there - and well all of it

really I think I've come part of the way in terms of accepting how they are

compared to where I used to be, but final and total acceptance is still

difficult. And no worries, I don't *have* to have those conversations with them

- I very rarely do anymore. The last time I attempted was about a year ago

with my nadaunt who I believed was saner than my nada, but it turns out I can

get her to apologize for something after she defensively attacks me for bringing

it up...but that apology is worthless. No real change happens. So these days

I'm working on accepting the reality of this is who they are now and given

that...what am I going to do? how do my decisions change?

Talking about guts, sometimes I think it's even more about clarity. I can

totally see why NC was your clear choice - your family banded together with a

stalker ex. Geeesh, that might have me fleeing the country. But you had/have

clarity. My clarity is muddied because they aren't always that bad, everything

is passive aggressive and covert, they send me little " presents " ...see my

twinned gifts post.

Anywho, thanks for the understanding and encouragement!