Re: Surviving a mother with BPD

[Guest guest]

Lynn, welcome.

I am so sorry about your brother. This must be so immensely overwhelming for you

but please remember that you are doing the right thing. Severing contact with

your mother (nada on this board) was necessary and you made the right choice.

You're protecting yourself and that's the most important thing right now.

You're also making all of the right decisions around educating yourself on BPD,

and visiting a therapist. Keep it up! You'll also find a tremendous amount of

validation and support here at WTO, please keep sharing, this is a safe place.

Everybody here has felt lonely and scared before, you're not alone.

Hugs from HFblonde.

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that what he was about to do was all on her and then killed

himself. She's in denial about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this

is all so new to me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised

by high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now.

Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this

with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me

greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to this forum. I'm still new to it all. My husband has suffered from

depression for years. Most recently a new counselor talked to him about his

life, my life and the subject of my Mom came up. Through his descriptions and

mine, the counselor recommended we read the eggshells book. It was amazing, like

fireworks going off in my mind.

All my life I thought I was just screwing things up, never good at anything, my

Mom was just a bit negative and grumpy. Actually, reading the first part of the

book was hard for me. So many memories came back, things I had tried to shut out

and let go. And here I was trying so hard to take care of her since my Dad died.

I felt bad for her, that it was my job to help her and make her happy. Ha!

That's not going to happen. Anyway, the book has had the biggest impact on my

life. It's opened my eyes, helped me to understand my own childhood and

attitudes about myself. And most importantly, it's set me free from fear. Fear

of her reactions, fear of her control, fear of being constantly embarrassed and

humiliated.

Sorry I'm going on so much about this. It's still a bit of a pain to be around

her anger and negativity but I feel better, stronger when I'm there. If she

wants to have a fit, I say OK, I'll talk to you in a few days when you feel

better. When I'm not around her, I don't think about her.

This forum has exposed even more odd things that I didn't realize were related

to BPD. The constant illnesses she claims to have even though the doctors keep

telling her she's in good shape. Just the tip of the iceberg.

But. . . . getting to the point, I think you'll enjoy being here. Some/many

stories are very sad but it's good to know we're not alone and it's not all our

fault. It's good to get encouragement and input on how to handle the weirdness.

So I welcome you and hope you enjoy being here.

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that what he was about to do was all on her and then killed

himself. She's in denial about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this

is all so new to me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised

by high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now.

Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this

with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me

greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

, I don't know what to say to add comfort. I have lived many years on the

brink of suicide and very aware of it being a lot because of her. I have even

had my nada lock herself in the bathroom yelling " get her out of here. drop her

off somewhere before I kill myself " . I was depressed. Very depressed. My dad put

me in a car and took me to a state hospital and left me at the door. he got

peace tho and of course, for him, that's all that mattered. Peace at any price.

Even at the cost of your daughter. He let her throw me under the bus. She took

my depression and what I was feeling and made it hers. She had never once

claimed to be depressed or suicidal once in her life before that day or since. I

am sorry your brother made this decision. it was his decision tho. and you can

learn from it. You don't need to put yourself into his shoes - that he left

behind. Please, stay strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself. and

when it gets harder and harder to do that, remind yourself it's what your

brother would have wanted if you can. Be the strength to do that which he could

never do for himself. Do it for him even if you can't do it for yourself. Prove

it's at least possible...

I have not felt suicidal, been depressed or even been on meds etc. in more than

a decade. I have worked full time, I have moved 800 miles away from them. I

don't hardly see them at all. NADA still reminds me of how much she goes thru

with my " depression " . She brings up past stuff as her " excuse " for her behavior

towards me now. I have been quite very well for a long time. I find myself

asking all the time " when do I get to be well " ? My therapist last week said that

being the " target " of a borderline parent is not the same as being the child of

one. If your brother was once the target, learn from that. Don't become the next

target. it won't help you and it won't help her. Allowing ourselves to be the

target is not in anyone's best interest. it hurts us and doesn't add to HER

quality of life either.

We are sending you strength thru this tough time. Reading on this list tonight

has helped me to again know that " it's not about me " . It never was! Don't let

HER make it about you. Don't become the new target. My thoughts are with you.

and all of us going thru the exact same life I have been going thru. We aren't

alone in this.

my best, be.

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I am so so sorry . I know what you are going through . A BPD parent that is

also physically abusive can destroy you inside and out if you let them . I hate

to assume that your situation is like mine , but it sure sounds like it . I

can't tell you what to do , but I ran away from it all years ago . My Nada would

never have let me go , so I moved to another state with out telling her I was

going . There was no point in telling her why , she was not able to see anyone

pain but her own . I stopped contact with my whole family so she could not find

me through them . when the police found me , it took 3 years btw , they thought

it was selfish of me to keep my poor mother in such pain , but I was over 18

when I left so in spite of there disapproval they could do nothing about it . I

know you want your mothers love , I know you want a family support system , I

know you want people to believe you , but sometimes we just cant have what we

want , but we can find what we need from other places , there is a whole world

full of people that will respect you , support you , and love you . Just give it

a chance to , and please! get some counseling, suicide of a loved one is a lot

harder to deal with than most people know . I wish I had asked for help with it

sooner than I did.

Love , marion

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that what he was about to do was all on her and then killed

himself. She's in denial about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this

is all so new to me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised

by high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now.

Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this

with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me

greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for you, and for the loss of your brother to this insanity.

You have to admit though, that this group, your reading, the therapy will all

help make sense of the craziness. It will make you stronger.

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that what he was about to do was all on her and then killed

himself. She's in denial about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this

is all so new to me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised

by high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now.

Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this

with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me

greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry about your brother.

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide.

We were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to

suicide with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood

was a miserable one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the

emotional and verbal abuse continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently

read

'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what

my mother has. Since my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began

lashing out at me. I have cut all ties with her and am working in therapy on

setting up healthy boundaries with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who

willingly allowed us to suffer at her hand to have peace himself), but

don't even know if having a healthy relationship with someone so sick is even

possible. She doesn't see the damage she caused, even when my brother told

her that she was the cause of most of his misery and told her that what he

was about to do was all on her and then killed himself. She's in denial

about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this is all so new to

me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised by

high-functioning

BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a result of a BPD

in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now. Life seems

pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this with the

right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me greatly in

my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Just keep saying it's not my fault, it was never my fault. !Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, June 11, 2010 1:30:13 AM

Subject: Re: Surviving a mother with BPD

Â

Dear ,

I am so so sorry . I know what you are going through . A BPD parent that is also

physically abusive can destroy you inside and out if you let them . I hate to

assume that your situation is like mine , but it sure sounds like it . I can't

tell you what to do , but I ran away from it all years ago . My Nada would never

have let me go , so I moved to another state with out telling her I was going .

There was no point in telling her why , she was not able to see anyone pain but

her own . I stopped contact with my whole family so she could not find me

through them . when the police found me , it took 3 years btw , they thought it

was selfish of me to keep my poor mother in such pain , but I was over 18 when I

left so in spite of there disapproval they could do nothing about it . I know

you want your mothers love , I know you want a family support system , I know

you want people to believe you , but sometimes we just cant have what we want ,

but we can find

what we need from other places , there is a whole world full of people that

will respect you , support you , and love you . Just give it a chance to , and

please! get some counseling, suicide of a loved one is a lot harder to deal with

than most people know . I wish I had asked for help with it sooner than I did.

Love , marion

>

> I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that

what he was about to do was all on her and then killed himself. She's in denial

about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this is all so new to

me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised by

high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a result

of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now. Life

seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this with

the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me greatly in

my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you sufferers

and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be raised and it

makes life more difficult.

>

[Guest guest]

welcome..I'm sorry about your brother. My brother was about the same...he

was 52 and died because all he did was drink and smoke and take

drugs...nada drove him to this...I really dont think it's possible to have a

healthy relationship with a BPD nada...

Jackie

I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to

suicide with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was

a miserable one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional

and verbal abuse continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read

'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what

my mother has. Since my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began

lashing out at me. I have cut all ties with her and am working in therapy on

setting up healthy boundaries with both my parents (my dad is the enabler,

who willingly allowed us to suffer at her hand to have peace himself), but

don't even know if having a healthy relationship with someone so sick is

even possible. She doesn't see the damage she caused, even when my brother

told her that she was the cause of most of his misery and told her that what

he was about to do was all on her and then killed himself. She's in denial

about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this is all so new to

me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised by

high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right

now. Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get

through this with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation

would aid me greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy

for all of you sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a

horrible way to be raised and it makes life more difficult.

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I, too, am very sorry to hear of your brother's suicide. That must be so hard

to think of all the time as you grieve and then to have your mother lashing out

at you, when you know why your brother did what he did and how you both

suffered, is just unimaginable.

I just lost my sister in October last year; and in a way it was a slow suicide

for her as she drank and knew she had hepatitis C. But towards the end I think

she was sort of surprised that she was truly dying. It's hard to tease apart

the effects of my mother and father on my sister's life; I mean of course there

was a profound effect and my mother's BPD and father's sort of benign

abandonment of us had to have had a lot to do with my sister's depression and

alcoholism.

But for your grieving; I understand how lonely you feel; it seems to be a

byproduct of grief and mourning, and that life now as the only child in your

family makes it daunting as you said. To me it is like having part of my body

cut away, and I feel crippled in a sense, on the *other* side of things where

the *regular* people are.

I hope that you can find a way to take care of yourself in this year, and

beyond, your health and your mental state. I tried to find a bereavement group

but found that there was really nothing around here, but if you could find

something like that it could help.

Take care,

~patricia

Surviving a mother with BPD

I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide. We

were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to suicide

with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a miserable

one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and verbal abuse

continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop Walking on

Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother has. Since

my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I have cut

all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy boundaries

with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us to suffer

at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a healthy

relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the damage

she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most of his

misery and told her that what he was about to do was all on her and then killed

himself. She's in denial about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this

is all so new to me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised

by high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a

result of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now.

Life seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this

with the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me

greatly in my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you

sufferers and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be

raised and it makes life more difficult.

------------------------------------

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SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

((jamielynnbrock)) i send you safe hugs and say how sorry i am about your

brother.. and how glad i am you have reached out here for support and help.  i

agree that with other people in your corner who understand even a just little

what bpd can do and the horror it can bring into a life and what you are going

thru that now you will be able to pull thru toward happier days for yourself.. i

too believe that you can do it, your life can become more sane and stable and

understandable.. and i wish you the very best on your journey towards healing..

ann

Subject: Surviving a mother with BPD

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 11:11 PM

 

I'm a 48-year-old female who just lost my only brother at 51 to suicide.

We were both raised by a high-functioning BPD, she literally drove him to

suicide with her constant barrage of negativity and abuse. Our childhood was a

miserable one of physical, emotional and verbal abuse with the emotional and

verbal abuse continuing on into our adulthood. I just recently read 'Stop

Walking on Eggshells' and was relieved to finally put a name on what my mother

has. Since my brother's death 4 months ago, my mother began lashing out at me. I

have cut all ties with her and am working in therapy on setting up healthy

boundaries with both my parents (my dad is the enabler, who willingly allowed us

to suffer at her hand to have peace himself), but don't even know if having a

healthy relationship with someone so sick is even possible. She doesn't see the

damage she caused, even when my brother told her that she was the cause of most

of his misery and told her that

what he was about to do was all on her and then killed himself. She's in denial

about it. Though I've lived this life since birth, this is all so new to

me...I'm looking for support from others who have been raised by

high-functioning BPD's or who have lost someone they love to suicide as a result

of a BPD in their life. I'm feeling pretty lonely and scared right now. Life

seems pretty daunting, but I know I'm healthy enough to get through this with

the right support system. Meeting others in my situation would aid me greatly in

my recovery from this nightmare. I have such empathy for all of you sufferers

and especially to the children of BPD's, it's a horrible way to be raised and it

makes life more difficult.