Re: brother and I switching roles?

[Guest guest]

I am in the same boat with my brother. Mom is elderly and in poor health,

(since she never took care of herself and did what the dr.s told her)

We were told last yr mom was BPDÂ I have set boundaries cause I was always her

scapegoat.  Bro always the golden boy. He and I get along great. but as I

have set boundaries he has given in more to nana. I have limited contact with

nada to once a week , It is great to have others to share with. Growing up

with my nana was a nightmare 24/7

/Illinois

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To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, June 11, 2010 12:03:21 AM

Subject: brother and I switching roles?

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My nada's health is failing and has been for many years. I've tended to be

painted white by her and my brother has tended to be painted black. My

brother and I have a good relationship with each other and have mostly grown

closer as my mom has gotten nuttier. Until the last year when I found out

about BPD, I have been the one who has tried in vain to please her and do

enough to make her happy. Over the past year or so as I have set and kept

boundaries, I increasingly find myself wanting to have less and less to do

with her. My anger, and frankly disgust with her, is coinciding with her

health deteriorating significantly. And while this is not all that

surprising - part of me feels OK with my lack of involvement in her life and

her health and part of me wonders if I will regret not doing more for her or

trying harder while she was still alive. But overall, I don't anticipate

having any more contact or involvement than I currently do and can certainly

conceive of me having less.

What has been surprising is that my brother, who has has multiple periods of

NC with nada, tends to have an explosive relationship with her and has

rarely puts up with any crap from her, has been more and more involved in

her life as her health has deteriorated. He says she has been very " good "

with him every since his last period of NC - meaning she has not tried to

pull any crap with him and I am very glad for this as she has treated him

horribly many many times. The last time I talked to him, he almost sounded

sympathetic toward her and her poor health and seems convinced that she

doesn't have long to live. (I'm not sure this is true as he was not really

involved at all for several periods when several of us in her life thought

she was dying - though she could be worse now than I think as I have not

seen her.)

It just seems ironic at what could be the end of nada's life my brother who

had written her off so many times, seems to be making a genuine effort to

care for her and for his kids to have relationship with her. While I who

have historically been way over-involved and concerned for nada, am pulling

back from her and trying to severely limit any contact or influence she has

on my kids. My brother and I have always been OK with each of us having very

different relationship and/or reactions to our parents as we are very

different people. So, I feel like my brother and I are fine in terms of our

relationship. I just did not realize how much him being angry with mom and

writing mom off validated my own anger and choices. Now that he seems to be

moving in another direction (though if she pulls anything, he will not stand

for it even now I am sure), I have found myself doubting my own choice a

bit. I know in my head it is OK for me to limit contact even though my

brother isn't, but this me limiting contact and him increasing contact has

never happened before and I find myself doubting my choices in my heart.

MY