I wish I wasn't so afraid of setting boundaries

[Guest guest]

I am always afraid of setting boundaries.

I have never done it much before since it didn't do an ounce of good in my

brainwashed, childhood household in bpd land. (parden my sarcasm).

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, and I'm noticing I'm

becoming aware of instances where I can set a boundary where before I felt I

didn't even have the choice. However, I am terrified of doing it even though

logically I know nothing will happen to me. I'm no longer a child.

Has anyone had problems identifying tricky boundaries, though? Sometimes, a

certain person will make me uncomfortable and I feel I have to go excuse myself

to use the restroom or something.

I noticed that recently. Like, I'll be in a class or at work and someone I know

(who I was fine with until I became more in touch with how I was feeling)asks

questions that make me uncomfortable.

I think I am embarrassed to set those boundaries because I am still worried

about what people will think of me. I know they won't be pleased, so even though

I have this new found notion of setting boundaries in situations that I never

thought possible before, it now makes me nervous because I am still worried

about what ppl will think.

That is my next challenge. To not care. I remember when I was very young 7 to 8

I didn't care and apparently I did a lot of " inappropriate " things. Like talking

too loud, or asking embarressing questions. Or dancing in front of guests when

they came over because I thought it would be funny. I was shamed for all of

this. I also drew pictures that I thought were funny because I wasn't allowed to

do these other things because my mom said it was embarressing to her and her

guests. I couldn't do a lot of things when they weren't around so I would save

up and do things when they were there. I knew I could get away with it easier.

haha

I also drew lots of pictures. I don't remember what about they must have been

naughty or potty humor or something condusive to a 6-8 yr olds humor, because my

mom caught me a few times and tore it up. She then told me to go outside with my

sister because my younger sister was also laughing about it, and to think about

what I had done and to think about what God had thought about it.

I still remember that. I felt I was a bad person because I didn't feel guilty

about it, and I felt I should because God was looking down on me and my sister

frowning. oops. I started singing instead because my mind wandered and I started

playing outdoors.

About an hour later my mom called to me from the house and asked if I had

thought about it long enough. I said, " I think so. " She said, okay. Well

apologize to your sister because you made her laugh and she is younger than you

and she had to be out here with you.

So I apologized to her too.

I don't know why I go into all of this. I think it's because I still sometimes

feel like a bad little kid even though I'm an adult. I am starting to not care

more and more about what people think of me even if I say or act silly or weird.

That happened yesterday. I was in a hurry, and I took a picture of a drawing in

a classroom. I didn't know the flash was on and it was really bright and made a

group of ppl blink and look at me somewhat irritated because they were deep in

conversation.

I apologized and afterwards I didn't feel guilty. Maybe just a tad embarrassed

but that was it. In the past, I would have felt really bad and told myself how

stupid i was for not checking the flash. I guess I'm staring to come out of the

whole guilt thing.

Anyway, I digress. I guess I'm sharing background on why I feel guilty setting

boundaries due to bpd, feelings of self worth, etc. I am going to have to start

setting really uncomfortable boundaries so that eventually it will get easier.

Even if it's something like: " I don't feel like answering that right now. "

Or...: I don't really feel like discussing that topic. " and then drop it.

Joy