Re: magical thinking - Fireflies

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the tip on the Augusten Burroughs book. I'm going to check it out.

> >

> > Things (in my mind anyway) seemed to be getting better between my mother and

me.

> >

> > I was calling her once a day to ward off (supposedly) anxiety-filled phone

calls. If she called me at other times and I picked up, she would keep it short,

making sure I knew she was keeping it short because of " how busy I know you

are. "

> >

> > Then yesterday...nothing big happened. Just those little comments that cut

to the heart and fill me with dread of O and G (obligation and guilt).

Yesterday, she said " why don't you call me in the evenings? " She didn't say it

in her usual whining voice or in a guilty way. She just said it. I felt really

guilty. But I know what she was REALLY asking me was, " why can't things be the

way they used to between us, when I could call you all the time, any time, and

you would listen to me talk until I ran out of things to say, and you'd say " uh

huh " so I'd know you were listening? when I would say 'this or that is broken'

and you would run over to fix it. "

> >

> > I felt guilty, but all I could say was, " It's difficult. " That's all I

said, because I know that, since she is BP, there is NO way she will tolerate

listening to me talk about something so uncomfortable for her.

> >

> > Because I know she doesn't REALLY want to know why I don't call her in the

evenings. She just interpreted what I said the way she wanted to believe it. She

said, " Oh, it's difficult because your daughter's always on the phone. " Again,

she didn't say it with anger or sarcasm. She just said it. I said, " yes, mom,

that's why. "

> >

> > Back to the magical thinking: do any of you experience this? Where you feel

like, hey, maybe things will actually be great between us and she really gets it

now, that I can't be all things to her!!

> >

> > I don't know if my guilt will ever decrease. Last week, I went by her house

to pick some stuff up that she'd cooked for my family (I didn't ask her to; and

again, I felt guilty that here she is, cooking for us, and I'm trying to avoid

her) and she looked so stooped over and old and little.

> >

> > But as I told myself last night, I CANNOT go back. I just can't. For the

sake of my health and of my family, I just can't. There's no her and me. For

her, we're morphed and it's suffocating and toxic.

> >

> > thanks for listening and your feedback.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>