Re: Re: Father's day

[Guest guest]

Haha, I should have read ahead. Maybe send an edible gift or something. Men

are hard to buy for. I might just send something -- maybe text instead of

call?

In a message dated 6/14/2010 12:53:09 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

downthebunnyhole64@... writes:

- you could send a very benign card, just sign your name. No extra

message. No phone call necessary!

- (who is in the same boat)

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day

this year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight

home because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and

do not have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was

even going home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month.

Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make

contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm

not

saying that I want contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be

the parent and be so pissed off that you give your child the " silent

treatment " for months. That is the most childish thing I have every heard of!

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I

never talk on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day.

I can't decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my

family really pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

> The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them

for the next two years...

>

> Any thoughts??

>

>

[Guest guest]

welcome !! this is exactly how my father was...minus the cell phone...he

never calls any one, why would he need a cell phone ? But just like you're,

he never ever ever called me...well, once when nada had a heart attack and

was taken to the hospital, and once befoe that when nada fell and he couldnt

get her up ( she's obese) and he called me ( I lived 425 miles away it takes

8-9 hours to get there...) then was upset because I couldnt help ( I did

tell him to call the fire dept) I know how you feel though, like it's a

requirement to make these calls for mothers day, fathers day, each of their

birthdays...it's relly neat to compare my dysfunctional family with my

husbands normal family !!!

Jackie

" One question and one question only. How often does your father call you? "

WOW. funny, HE NEVER EVER CALLS ME. ever. never ever. ever. In fact, my

sisters and I know that if you ever want to speak to him, you have to call

on Monday nights when she is out playing cards. I have said this for years.

" if he thinks he knows you are ok, it's an acceptable substitute for

communication. " he gets all info from NADA and he is ok with that. He does

have his own cell phone and I guess I could call him on it, but that would

probably make things worse with nada and chances are she would answer it if

it's even charged. or he would only hand it to her anyway.

funny, my NOT checking in is what caused this to erupt 4-5 weeks ago. It's

what caused her to file the " missing person's report " and have the police

come into my apartment. It's what broke the camel's back and made me say " I

am done " . Normal relationships? It's something I am really trying to figure

out. I have no clue what a normal adult parent/child relationship is.

thanks for that. I have no way of reaching him without going thru her. you

are right. he has no responsibility to be a parent. none. not even when I

was a kid and well, at this point I really don't need parents - or this kind

of parent...so WTF.

maybe I'll call much later tonight so it doesn't wreck my whole day in case

she goes off on me...I already have with uncertainty. I am tired of even NC

letting them own my head.

thanks. ame

[Guest guest]

Why don't you call off a friend's phone (assuming nada has caller ID).

Have the friend call and ask to speak with your dad then hand the

phone to you when he comes on the line.

Sent from my blueberry.

On Jun 20, 2010, at 2:25 PM, " amethystwomoon " <AmethystWomoon@...

> wrote:

> " One question and one question only. How often does your father call

> you? "

>

> WOW. funny, HE NEVER EVER CALLS ME. ever. never ever. ever. In fact,

> my sisters and I know that if you ever want to speak to him, you

> have to call on Monday nights when she is out playing cards. I have

> said this for years. " if he thinks he knows you are ok, it's an

> acceptable substitute for communication. " he gets all info from NADA

> and he is ok with that. He does have his own cell phone and I guess

> I could call him on it, but that would probably make things worse

> with nada and chances are she would answer it if it's even charged.

> or he would only hand it to her anyway.

>

> funny, my NOT checking in is what caused this to erupt 4-5 weeks

> ago. It's what caused her to file the " missing person's report " and

> have the police come into my apartment. It's what broke the camel's

> back and made me say " I am done " . Normal relationships? It's

> something I am really trying to figure out. I have no clue what a

> normal adult parent/child relationship is.

>

> thanks for that. I have no way of reaching him without going thru

> her. you are right. he has no responsibility to be a parent. none.

> not even when I was a kid and well, at this point I really don't

> need parents - or this kind of parent...so WTF.

>

> maybe I'll call much later tonight so it doesn't wreck my whole day

> in case she goes off on me...I already have with uncertainty. I am

> tired of even NC letting them own my head.

> thanks. ame

>

> ------

> In normal relationships, even adult child, parent relationships

> there is a healthy back and forth exchange. I am 54 years old and I

> think we are about the same age right? Guess what? We are no longer

> required to do childhood things like checking in, calling when we

> are supposed to, blah, blah, blah.

>

> Maybe you can talk to him today but tell him that you love him and

> if he wants a relationship with his daughter he needs to get his own

> cell phone. He is playing your nada's victim and not taking

> responsibility.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I always feel weird on these *holidays*. There is this expectation. I always

get the card and the gift. I am always torn. But the cards are always bullshit

(excuse my language).

So I always get the blank ones. Write my own thing. My mother was not as bad

as some of the ones people talk about here. But I still have never felt

*mothered*. Still cannot pick out a heartfelt card from the ones at the store.

This is true for father's day too. Though my father is dead now; I had a hard

time with that too. But I always sent a gift and card. (which, I might

bitterly add, his wife has all those things now).

**sigh**

I hope we can all heal from this...I know it is a long term thing just to come

to an understanding of it all.

~patricia

Re: Father's day

OMG. I never saw this thread. Before I posted about father's day, I decided to

do a search and see if anyone else had. (I get things in digest form and I am a

few weeks behind in reading some.)

shelly, you have posted almost my exact story. I hate hate hate mother's and

father's day and trying to find cards! " Thanks for your love " NOPE! " thanks for

the memories " always makes me snicker. I pick up cards, read and shiver and put

them back. this year, the first year and week 4 of very limited contact. (No

contact on my part) I don't know what to do. I have been dreading today for

weeks. I sent a card the other day but I am pretty sure he won't get it till

tomorrow. which means if I don't call, I will be seen as " drawing a line in the

sand " . ME not calling - even tho he told me 4 weeks ago " if you don't make

believe this event with your mother never happened, you are out of the family

for the rest of your life. " ...even tho HE said that to me on the phone - and she

of course had to repeat it then add her own ugliness to it before I hung up - I

have to call.

why do I feel like I have to call? Why at the age of 55 am I back to the 4 yo

who is scared to death of mommy? For the last 4 weeks, I know she has been

alternately crying uncontrollably and raging and all at my father since he is

the only one around. They live 800 miles from any family member at this point

and they only have each other. Of course with him, the more he has to put up

with her, the more angry he gets at " whoever is causing her behavior " . So, even

tho it's father's day, and I can literally NEVER speak to him between father's

days - if I don't call after 4 weeks of LC, it will be turned into the rest of

their lives even just for spite.

I know in their minds if I don't call today, " I " and saying I never want to

speak to them ever again. black and white.

YET, the other day she called and I answered the phone. My aunt (her sister)

had surgery. She called to tell me that my aunt was doing ok - 3 days postop. I

told her that I knew, that I had been in touch with my cousin and had even

spoken to my aunt myself then said " I have been checking in with them " . Her

snarly, angry and hostile response was " Well, it would be nice if you checked

in with US on occasion. " (I am sure you can all say that exactly the way I heard

it!) I think she just can't help herself sometimes. and well today...I don't

want to open the floodgates or have father's day re-initiate communication if I

am not ready - and believe me I AM NOT READY.

So what do we do? I don't text and neither do they. I sent a card but I am

pretty sure I didn't get it out in time and even if I did, " the call " is the

determining factor. For her. not for him. but she will rant about me NOT

calling until he gets mad at me for NOT calling because it made her rant - not

because he cared. I can't email to him cause he doesn't do computers only her.

she would even be libel to read it, delete it and NOT tell him I had emailed and

THEN rant about me not calling - she is nearly blind and uses that as her excuse

for " not seeing things " when it's convenient. (of course, she still drives!) You

know how you can see the behavior even before it happens?

I am tired of her crying or her anger running my emotions.

I don't know what to do. meanwhile, the guilt is eating me up. has been this

whole week. I just can't stand the thought of her abusing me today. I just can't

do it. instead, I am beating myself up and not sure that feels any better.

I hate father's day. I hate mother's day. always have. today esp. I am on week

4 of no contact. I don't want this to be a lifelong decision - and not calling

today could cause that.

or am I now being the drama queen? harrummmpphh. ame

BTW, I discovered father's day cards from " friends " this year. found one that

said " relax and enjoy father's day " . that was it. nothing about how great thou

art! lol. I will be checking the " friends " section for mother's day next year

for sure!

maybe an email...explaining why I don't want to call? I lose either way so I

may as well not call huh?

" cocochanel1005 " wrote:

I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. .....Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to

make contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time.

....

So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.