Re: Father's day

[Guest guest]

- you could send a very benign card, just sign your name. No extra

message. No phone call necessary!

- (who is in the same boat)

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight home

because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and do not

have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was even going

home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month. Since then we

have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make contact but on her part

I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm not saying that I want

contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be the parent and be so

pissed off that you give your child the " silent treatment " for months. That is

the most childish thing I have every heard of!

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

> The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them for the

next two years...

>

> Any thoughts??

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , Maybe instead of calling you could just send something -- a

card, perhaps? If that's what you want to do. That's a tough place to be

because it could end up being drama either way.

I am not sure what to do either. My sister called this morning and asked if

I was coming to Florida for Father's Day. I don't know why I should. It's

not like my father has actually BEEN a father.

In a message dated 6/14/2010 12:39:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

cocochanel1005@... writes:

I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight home

because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and do

not have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was even

going home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month. Since

then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make contact

but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm not

saying that I want contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be the

parent and be so pissed off that you give your child the " silent treatment "

for months. That is the most childish thing I have every heard of!

So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never

talk on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I

can't decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my

family really pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them for

the next two years...

Any thoughts??

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your input! It helps alleviate my guilt about not calling on

Sunday. I just put a card in the mail and will text fada's cell only on Sunday!

Hopefully that won't open the floodgates...

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight home

because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and do not

have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was even going

home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month. Since then we

have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make contact but on her part

I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm not saying that I want

contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be the parent and be so

pissed off that you give your child the " silent treatment " for months. That is

the most childish thing I have every heard of!

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

> The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them for the

next two years...

>

> Any thoughts??

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG. I never saw this thread. Before I posted about father's day, I decided to

do a search and see if anyone else had. (I get things in digest form and I am a

few weeks behind in reading some.)

shelly, you have posted almost my exact story. I hate hate hate mother's and

father's day and trying to find cards! " Thanks for your love " NOPE! " thanks for

the memories " always makes me snicker. I pick up cards, read and shiver and put

them back. this year, the first year and week 4 of very limited contact. (No

contact on my part) I don't know what to do. I have been dreading today for

weeks. I sent a card the other day but I am pretty sure he won't get it till

tomorrow. which means if I don't call, I will be seen as " drawing a line in the

sand " . ME not calling - even tho he told me 4 weeks ago " if you don't make

believe this event with your mother never happened, you are out of the family

for the rest of your life. " ...even tho HE said that to me on the phone - and she

of course had to repeat it then add her own ugliness to it before I hung up - I

have to call.

why do I feel like I have to call? Why at the age of 55 am I back to the 4 yo

who is scared to death of mommy? For the last 4 weeks, I know she has been

alternately crying uncontrollably and raging and all at my father since he is

the only one around. They live 800 miles from any family member at this point

and they only have each other. Of course with him, the more he has to put up

with her, the more angry he gets at " whoever is causing her behavior " . So, even

tho it's father's day, and I can literally NEVER speak to him between father's

days - if I don't call after 4 weeks of LC, it will be turned into the rest of

their lives even just for spite.

I know in their minds if I don't call today, " I " and saying I never want to

speak to them ever again. black and white.

YET, the other day she called and I answered the phone. My aunt (her sister) had

surgery. She called to tell me that my aunt was doing ok - 3 days postop. I told

her that I knew, that I had been in touch with my cousin and had even spoken to

my aunt myself then said " I have been checking in with them " . Her snarly, angry

and hostile response was " Well, it would be nice if you checked in with US on

occasion. " (I am sure you can all say that exactly the way I heard it!) I think

she just can't help herself sometimes. and well today...I don't want to open the

floodgates or have father's day re-initiate communication if I am not ready -

and believe me I AM NOT READY.

So what do we do? I don't text and neither do they. I sent a card but I am

pretty sure I didn't get it out in time and even if I did, " the call " is the

determining factor. For her. not for him. but she will rant about me NOT

calling until he gets mad at me for NOT calling because it made her rant - not

because he cared. I can't email to him cause he doesn't do computers only her.

she would even be libel to read it, delete it and NOT tell him I had emailed and

THEN rant about me not calling - she is nearly blind and uses that as her excuse

for " not seeing things " when it's convenient. (of course, she still drives!) You

know how you can see the behavior even before it happens?

I am tired of her crying or her anger running my emotions.

I don't know what to do. meanwhile, the guilt is eating me up. has been this

whole week. I just can't stand the thought of her abusing me today. I just can't

do it. instead, I am beating myself up and not sure that feels any better.

I hate father's day. I hate mother's day. always have. today esp. I am on week 4

of no contact. I don't want this to be a lifelong decision - and not calling

today could cause that.

or am I now being the drama queen? harrummmpphh. ame

BTW, I discovered father's day cards from " friends " this year. found one that

said " relax and enjoy father's day " . that was it. nothing about how great thou

art! lol. I will be checking the " friends " section for mother's day next year

for sure!

maybe an email...explaining why I don't want to call? I lose either way so I may

as well not call huh?

" cocochanel1005 " wrote:

I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this year.

......Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make

contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. ...

So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

[Guest guest]

amewoman-

One question and one question only. How often does your father call you?

In normal relationships, even adult child, parent relationships there is a

healthy back and forth exchange. I am 54 years old and I think we are about the

same age right? Guess what? We are no longer required to do childhood things

like checking in, calling when we are supposed to, blah, blah, blah.

By participating in the sick game of going thru your nada to have contact with

your father you are not making him responsible for his failure to attend to his

relationship with you. What is his responsibility in all this? Maybe you can

talk to him today but tell him that you love him and if he wants a relationship

with his daughter he needs to get his own cell phone. He is playing your nada's

victim and not taking responsibility.

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. .....Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to

make contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time.

....

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

[Guest guest]

" One question and one question only. How often does your father call you? "

WOW. funny, HE NEVER EVER CALLS ME. ever. never ever. ever. In fact, my sisters

and I know that if you ever want to speak to him, you have to call on Monday

nights when she is out playing cards. I have said this for years. " if he thinks

he knows you are ok, it's an acceptable substitute for communication. " he gets

all info from NADA and he is ok with that. He does have his own cell phone and I

guess I could call him on it, but that would probably make things worse with

nada and chances are she would answer it if it's even charged. or he would only

hand it to her anyway.

funny, my NOT checking in is what caused this to erupt 4-5 weeks ago. It's what

caused her to file the " missing person's report " and have the police come into

my apartment. It's what broke the camel's back and made me say " I am done " .

Normal relationships? It's something I am really trying to figure out. I have no

clue what a normal adult parent/child relationship is.

thanks for that. I have no way of reaching him without going thru her. you are

right. he has no responsibility to be a parent. none. not even when I was a kid

and well, at this point I really don't need parents - or this kind of

parent...so WTF.

maybe I'll call much later tonight so it doesn't wreck my whole day in case she

goes off on me...I already have with uncertainty. I am tired of even NC letting

them own my head.

thanks. ame

------

In normal relationships, even adult child, parent relationships there is a

healthy back and forth exchange. I am 54 years old and I think we are about the

same age right? Guess what? We are no longer required to do childhood things

like checking in, calling when we are supposed to, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe you can talk to him today but tell him that you love him and if he wants

a relationship with his daughter he needs to get his own cell phone. He is

playing your nada's victim and not taking responsibility.

[Guest guest]

Hi Amethyst Womoon,

You perfectly described my feelings towards this dilemma! It can pretty much be

summed up with: if I don't call, my nada will be mad. If I do call, nada will

use this as an excuse to have contact. Basically, father's day is all about

nada, as usual.

I don't know how to advise you since I'm in the same position- the only thing I

would say is don't waste your breathe on explaining to fada why you're in this

situation with nada. I've thought about doing that too and honestly, at some

point your fada saw and understood what your nada was doing and chose to ignore

it. It sounds like he's definitely at the point of no return since he is making

up events just like nada does.

I sent a card earlier this week but I also don't know when it will arrive so

I've been debating what to do. I have a migraine today (of course) and have been

in bed most of the day and just woke up to see that someone from " home " called

and left a voicemail. I'm trying to decide if I should even bother listening to

it. I am 99% sure it's from nada trying to hoover me in with something. I used

to just delete her vm's straight away without listening to them until she

actually left one that was impt about my cousin's death. Of course this event

only merited one phone call when she was on the plane, although if she can't

locate me for 2 hrs that merits 4 phone calls. sigh.

good luck, wish I could be more helpful for the both of us!

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. .....Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to

make contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time.

....

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

[Guest guest]

hi all,

I called.

I was on the phone with a friend and when I hung up, I just dialed their home

number without giving it too much thought. I just did it. I knew I had to. it

was 4 pm. He starts his martini's at 4 pm - I know better than to try to talk

with him once he starts drinking martini's. He gets brutal and loud and well,

obnoxious. it was now or never so I called.

while it rang, I hoped they were out and I would get the machine but no such

luck. We spoke for about 10 minutes and she was on very very good behavior. I

think she might be beginning to understand that I am not accepting crap anymore.

I hate to feel like I am now manipulating the relationship but really, I am just

being very very self protective. I am done. and I mean done. if she is nasty, it

will be months before she hears from me again. I think she might be getting that

finally. we'll see.

at the end, she even " thanked me " for calling.

I said " your welcome " and hung up. Neither one of us tried to fake a " love you "

thing. she had started doing that more and more lately and it was just weird. I

think she heard a friend do it so she tried to do it to me and of course, I

would feel forced to say it back. She didn't do that today. Not sure I could or

would have said it back today anyway. My favorite was the day she ended the

call with " love you " and I said " I know " . It felt mean but it also felt more

real. I just can't fake it anymore. I wish I felt love for them. I really do. I

just can't find it right now and it makes me sad. it is what it is.

It's done. they leave for a 6 week trip this week. yeah. they will be occupied

with family. lets me off the hook. thanks all, this list has been so supportive

for me this month. I am pretty glad to have found you all. It's so weird to hear

HER words coming out of YOUR mom's mouths. really weird. thanks, ame

[Guest guest]

amewoman isn't it amazing the amount of weirdness we will all put up with? I

mean come on we can almost get senior discounts and we are still dancing to

their beat. My fada is dead but my dishrag nada still will not discuss different

things with me just as though he were alive. She has carried over many of her

behaviors to my bpd sister now. Just like you she wants me to be careful to not

" upset " my sister. After all I'm not the sick one so I should be more

understanding. ugg..

>

> " One question and one question only. How often does your father call you? "

>

> WOW. funny, HE NEVER EVER CALLS ME. ever. never ever. ever. In fact, my

sisters and I know that if you ever want to speak to him, you have to call on

Monday nights when she is out playing cards. I have said this for years. " if he

thinks he knows you are ok, it's an acceptable substitute for communication. " he

gets all info from NADA and he is ok with that. He does have his own cell phone

and I guess I could call him on it, but that would probably make things worse

with nada and chances are she would answer it if it's even charged. or he would

only hand it to her anyway.

>

> funny, my NOT checking in is what caused this to erupt 4-5 weeks ago. It's

what caused her to file the " missing person's report " and have the police come

into my apartment. It's what broke the camel's back and made me say " I am done " .

Normal relationships? It's something I am really trying to figure out. I have no

clue what a normal adult parent/child relationship is.

>

> thanks for that. I have no way of reaching him without going thru her. you are

right. he has no responsibility to be a parent. none. not even when I was a kid

and well, at this point I really don't need parents - or this kind of

parent...so WTF.

>

> maybe I'll call much later tonight so it doesn't wreck my whole day in case

she goes off on me...I already have with uncertainty. I am tired of even NC

letting them own my head.

> thanks. ame

>

> ------

> In normal relationships, even adult child, parent relationships there is a

healthy back and forth exchange. I am 54 years old and I think we are about the

same age right? Guess what? We are no longer required to do childhood things

like checking in, calling when we are supposed to, blah, blah, blah.

>

> Maybe you can talk to him today but tell him that you love him and if he

wants a relationship with his daughter he needs to get his own cell phone. He

is playing your nada's victim and not taking responsibility.

>

[Guest guest]

they went out to eat but I didn't go.

I agree with the person that says just send something. even an email or text

(which I don't know how to do but alot of people do it) is better sometimes than

hearing a voice.

we all got together and my dad acted weird all day. wanted to watch the golf

tournament. the kids were adorable though, 2 two year olds and a one year old

playing together, it was as precious as can be. Just so incredibly cute.

so that cheered me up. the children really are where it's at.

>

> I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight home

because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and do not

have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was even going

home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month. Since then we

have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make contact but on her part

I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm not saying that I want

contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be the parent and be so

pissed off that you give your child the " silent treatment " for months. That is

the most childish thing I have every heard of!

>

> So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never talk

on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I can't

decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family really

pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

>

> The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them for the

next two years...

>

> Any thoughts??

>

>

[Guest guest]

My mom is the BP, but my dad is NPD, so I get to dread both holidays. Anywho, I

use the rule of reciprocity to decide on most of these things and I also try to

do things only bc of me, not them. Like, my dad rarely calls (or calls when it

is likely I won't answer or when something he has going on is going to cut

things really short) and he has made a strikingly creative list of excuses over

the years for not sending cards/calling, etc. So since he doesn't send cards, I

don't and since he doesn't call, I rarely do - with the exception of those phone

calls I make for MYSELF, ie I get to be the bigger person and give myself a pay

on the back for throwing the old goat the occasional bone.

> >

> > I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. .....Since then we have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to

make contact but on her part I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time.

....

> >

> > So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never

talk on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I

can't decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family

really pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I caved. I called. I just picked up the phone and called their home number. I

hoped perhaps they wouldn't be home, I could leave a message and that would be

that. she answered. She did the whole " shocked it was me " routine. I had to tell

her my name. right, mom, after 4 weeks of me not calling you forget my voice?

really?

effect. it was all for effect. My dad was sitting there. anyway, I said " I am

just calling to wish dad a happy father's day " .

She handed the phone to him. I started with " did you get my card? " . Nope. " oh,

well, you will probably get it tomorrow. " we began having a nothing conversation

- I had some good news to report about a social security screw up that had

gotten fixed. sudden my mom spoke, she was on the other line and I didn't know

it. (one of the problems with using the home phone rather than the cell phone! I

forgot!)

she was on good behavior. We spoke for 10 minutes max. it was one of those

useless conversations. Nothing that mattered but it was not hostile which was

great. At the end, she " thanked me for calling " . I said " your welcome " and hung

up.

It's done. I hope I didn't already post this. My memory is not the best. stress

does that to you. although, I gotta tell you - limited contact = decreased use

of antianxiety meds. yeah. suddenly realized tonight I haven't taken a buspar in

over a week. time away from the negatively is helping me. really helping me. and

that is a good thing. It's my own internal proof that I am doing the right

thing. For me. it feels nice to put myself first for the first time in over 50

years. thanks all. this probably worked out the best it could for me. I got

" credit " for having called and it was the most nothing conversation that ever

existed. but it was painless. which was a good thing. thanks for letting me rant

about my frets and worries about this call. Just thanks. ame

[Guest guest]

Hey ame That sounds like a decent outcome. My fada is dead but in past years I

would have been expected to call nada to commemorate his previous existence. I

didn't call. Instead, I took boyfriend out to celebrate him being a great dad.

It was a nice day.

>

> I caved. I called. I just picked up the phone and called their home number. I

hoped perhaps they wouldn't be home, I could leave a message and that would be

that. she answered. She did the whole " shocked it was me " routine. I had to tell

her my name. right, mom, after 4 weeks of me not calling you forget my voice?

really?

>

> effect. it was all for effect. My dad was sitting there. anyway, I said " I am

just calling to wish dad a happy father's day " .

>

> She handed the phone to him. I started with " did you get my card? " . Nope. " oh,

well, you will probably get it tomorrow. " we began having a nothing conversation

- I had some good news to report about a social security screw up that had

gotten fixed. sudden my mom spoke, she was on the other line and I didn't know

it. (one of the problems with using the home phone rather than the cell phone! I

forgot!)

>

> she was on good behavior. We spoke for 10 minutes max. it was one of those

useless conversations. Nothing that mattered but it was not hostile which was

great. At the end, she " thanked me for calling " . I said " your welcome " and hung

up.

>

> It's done. I hope I didn't already post this. My memory is not the best.

stress does that to you. although, I gotta tell you - limited contact =

decreased use of antianxiety meds. yeah. suddenly realized tonight I haven't

taken a buspar in over a week. time away from the negatively is helping me.

really helping me. and that is a good thing. It's my own internal proof that I

am doing the right thing. For me. it feels nice to put myself first for the

first time in over 50 years. thanks all. this probably worked out the best it

could for me. I got " credit " for having called and it was the most nothing

conversation that ever existed. but it was painless. which was a good thing.

thanks for letting me rant about my frets and worries about this call. Just

thanks. ame

>

[Guest guest]

You know, I am not married and have no children, but for my sisters, I know they

have always wondered why the fathers day thing and the mother's day thing

doesn't go both ways. we have to call her for mother's day - but she doesn't

feel the need to call my sisters, who are also mom's and now her granddaughter

is a mom and I am sure she didn't get a call this year for her " first mother's

day " . it's this weird " one way " holiday in my family. ugh about still having to

call nada on father's day even when he is passed. Never thought about that

possibility.

you know, I wish I could just feel love and caring for them. No matter our age,

we always and still have a desire for parents that love us. it's supposed to be

one of the most painful parts for kids who's parents develop Alzheimers. I have

a friend who has a good relationship with her past abusive mom for the first

time since she now has Alzheimers. Her mom has only today. there are NO

yesterdays and no tomorrows. She said she is learning a lot from her now about

living for today. she feels her mom's " lack of mind " is in the end, allowing her

to have a good relationship with her for the first time in decades. interesting.

It feels like a gift at the end of her mom's life. mother's day and father's day

done for 2010. YEAH. I have no more parental bday's for this year as well. YEAH.

smooth sailing till January? ha. doubt it.

>

> Hey ame That sounds like a decent outcome. My fada is dead but in past years I

would have been expected to call nada to commemorate his previous existence. I

didn't call. Instead, I took boyfriend out to celebrate him being a great dad.

It was a nice day.

[Guest guest]

Congrats to everyone for getting through that " holiday " ! I sent my fada a card

and he left me a vm on father's day to say he received it. It makes me a little

sad that he had to call me on father's day but whatever. At least it's over

with!

> >

> > I HATE these " holidays " !! I don't know what to do about Father's day this

year. My nada and I did LC for a few weeks and then I canceled a flight home

because I had a panic attack. I'm studying for the medical boards and do not

have time to be panicking for a week at home. The only reason I was even going

home was because nada " needs " to see me once or twice a month. Since then we

have been NC. I certainly haven't made an effort to make contact but on her part

I can just imagine her rage-ing this whole time. I'm not saying that I want

contact by any means but it is SO irresponsible to be the parent and be so

pissed off that you give your child the " silent treatment " for months. That is

the most childish thing I have every heard of!

> >

> > So I don't know if I should call home this Sunday . My fada and I never

talk on the phone. When I visit home, he and I talk for max 10 min a day. I

can't decide which is the lesser evil: not calling home and having my family

really pissed at me, or calling home and re-introducing communication.

> >

> > The only reason I even care is I will be financially dependent on them for

the next two years...

> >

> > Any thoughts??

> >

> >

>