Re: How best to communicate with my mom.

[Guest guest]

First of all HUGS. I'm glad you are here and sorry that you have a nada. No

one deserves this.

I think many of us here have been in your shoes. When children are born,

many nada's act out because they aren't the focus of our attention any more,

and in many cases the nada starts to fixate on children as someone to fill

their endless black holes of emotional needs. It isn't a normal way to react

to a small child, and it's hard for us to have to go through having children

without having the traditional support system that our mothers are supposed

to be for us during this time.

I have 3 kids, age 7, 4, and 2. I've been No Contact with my nada for about

18 months now. She still sends the kinds of emails and letters and packages

that you describe. She doesn't call anymore because I've changed my phone

number, but my husband gets voicemails from her from time to time (he can't

change his number for work reasons). We don't call or write back to her. We

had one last discussion on the phone prior to going NC, in which I stated my

boundaries repeatedly, and she kept pressing saying she was going to come to

my home and talk to me about it and I couldn't stop her. She lives 5 hours

from me. I told her very calmly that if she came to my home I would have to

call the police. She started screaming at me, my phone died (divine

intervention? lol) and that is the last time she has heard my voice. She

still tries to get in contact and guilt me through third parties. She may

always do so. My my life and my children's lives are more stable for not

having her involved. I'm a better mother because I don't have the extreme

stress that she was causing me in my life. She refuses to see that she is

ill and needs help, she refuses to change, and maybe she truly can't. I

don't know. But I know that I can't live with that relationship anymore, and

I refuse to.

If you feel you need to write her a letter for your own sake, go ahead. I

would suggest you keep it short and sweet. Know that it won't change her

behavior, she will go on doing what she is doing now, and maybe even get

worked up and escalate her behavior for a time. If she was going to respect

your wishes she wouldn't be BPD, you know? But there is nothing wrong with

sending her a final, 'this is what is going on, this is why, please leave my

family alone in the future' as long as you don't get your hopes up that it

will fix her or the situation.

good luck, let us know what you decide!

heather

On Sat, Jun 19, 2010 at 11:21 AM, morgannefreeborn wrote:

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> I've just joined this group (yesterday) seeking support and knowledge. I'm

> in my 30's and just had a son in January. I feel that in many ways the birth

> of my son aggravated a lot of my mother's symptoms as she seemed to rant,

> rage, and act out more frequently/easily. She has not been diagnosed with

> BPD; however, she exhibits nearly all of the traits. Also, as I have been

> discussing these issues with my therapist she commented that she seems to

> display a lot of the tell-tale signs.

>

> I have not spoken to my mother for nearly 3 months now and it is very

> difficult for me. She lives only 3 hours away and continues to do strange

> things (for Mother's day she dropped off some gifts on our porch - but

> didn't stop in to say hello), write passive aggressive emails, and leave

> pitiful sounding voice-mails ('that baby is 4 months old today').

>

> I have been trying to work on a letter that I could send to her; however,

> I'm afraid that if I put anything in writing she will just use it against me

> later. I don't know how to communicate that I'm tired of the emotional

> roller-coaster (her grandiose gestures and hurtful comments) and need to

> focus on the emotional well being of my new family. I want to write

> something that is thoughtful, loving, but (at the same time) that sets up

> some boundaries.

>

> Thanks for any advice, suggestion, help you may offer.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

*Thank you* so much for your thoughtful reply!! Your insights were dead on and

your advice was wonderful. You are right that the letter should be for my

benefit and not an attempt to " fix " my mom. I think that, upon reflection, I

need to hold off on writing her anything. I still feel too wrapped up in the

drama (my sibs are terrible about guilting me into communicating with my mom)

and would be writing to her in an attempt to heal her and mend our relationship.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my mom is *never* going to be the

mother I want/need and that she is not well. It's a process that is painful and

confusing - but I'm slowly working through it with a lot of help from my

husband, dad, step-mom, and therapist.

Thanks again for your kind words and help!

~ne

[Guest guest]

I went through something simular.

After the birth of my first, she started having delusions, completely twisting

everything said over the phone or in person.

I decided that my daughter (who was only 8 months old) would send her letters

and pictures, and that was IT! I explained to her in a letter that I thought it

would be best to communicate by letter to avoid any mis-understanding.

She didn't like that. By the time my 2nd was born, she tried to re-establish

contact, and I was VERY firm with her over the phone. Telling her that I'd love

to hear all her news via letter but did not have time to talk at that moment.

And hung up.

That was the last contact I had with her, she began returning parcels and

letters.

Her loss. She didn't like the fact that I was establishing boundaries and would

NOT relent.

My life is MUCH calmer since going NC. Even before that with LC it was much

easier to deal with her.

Now, I've gone LC with my step nada and father. Again, my life has become less

dramatic. Very calming.

It's heartbreaking on a day like today, I can't call my father to wish him a

happy fathers day because I will NOT call their house.

>

> Hi all,

>

> I've just joined this group (yesterday) seeking support and knowledge. I'm in

my 30's and just had a son in January. I feel that in many ways the birth of my

son aggravated a lot of my mother's symptoms as she seemed to rant, rage, and

act out more frequently/easily. She has not been diagnosed with BPD; however,

she exhibits nearly all of the traits. Also, as I have been discussing these

issues with my therapist she commented that she seems to display a lot of the

tell-tale signs.

>

> I have not spoken to my mother for nearly 3 months now and it is very

difficult for me. She lives only 3 hours away and continues to do strange things

(for Mother's day she dropped off some gifts on our porch - but didn't stop in

to say hello), write passive aggressive emails, and leave pitiful sounding

voice-mails ('that baby is 4 months old today').

>

> I have been trying to work on a letter that I could send to her; however, I'm

afraid that if I put anything in writing she will just use it against me later.

I don't know how to communicate that I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster

(her grandiose gestures and hurtful comments) and need to focus on the emotional

well being of my new family. I want to write something that is thoughtful,

loving, but (at the same time) that sets up some boundaries.

>

> Thanks for any advice, suggestion, help you may offer.

>