Re: I got a uhoh feeling about a therapist, thoughts?

[Guest guest]

, you wrote:

" For my whole life I thought: What is wrong with her?

There is something *off* and I didn't know what it was. "

Same here.........amazing how *reliable* those feelings are, even though I would

have preferred to " remain in denial....... " . *sigh*

andra

" Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness has genius, power and

magic in it. " Goethe

" Anyway--I also gave

> the therapist a second chance,

>   > > just in case. Don't knock yourself out too

> much, I'd say. It's good to be

>   > > able to question yourself a little--it's

> what separates us from

>   > > being nadas. "

>   > >

>   > > Thanks, that is very kind to say. Because

> of course I'm wide awake to the

>   > > fact that it is totally silly to meet with

> this therapist to give her a

>   > > chance, when I've spent three days

> composing in my mind a defense of

>   > myself

>   > > because I alreayd feel on the defensive.

> Even the second phone call with

>   > her

>   > > I later realized what she said was that

> " her understanding of the

>   > disorder

>   > > could be part of my healing process

> because it would help me with lack of

>   > > acceptance and help me to understand " , and

> something about how " family

>   > > members want to vent. " She did it again!

> Even if she's speaking off the

>   > cuff

>   > > and if I let her I'd understand where

> she's coming from, she keeps saying

>   > > invalidating things. She has not once

> asked me a question.

>   > >

>   > > Was it who put it in an earlier

> email: " even if she seems ok when

>   > you

>   > > meet her, will you ever feel completely

> safe? " Those words stuck with me.

>   > > I've been so worried about being

> judgemental and dismissive to this

>   > > therapist, I've been ready to walk into a

> situation where I know I don't

>   > > feel safe.

>   > >

>   > > I'm not going to therapy because I need to

> " vent'! I can do that on WTO!

>   > I

>   > > also don't have a lack of acceptance about

> nada's disorder, and I

>   > actually

>   > > understand almost organically why nada

> behaves like she does. I was so

>   > > enmeshed with her I felt her feelings. She

> so totally destroyed my

>   > > personality, or attempted to, that I was

> starting to act like her at

>   > times

>   > > before I broke away from the family. I

> know why she does what she does! I

>   > > don't need to understand it better. That's

> the whole freaking problem! I

>   > > understand all too well her terrible

> feelings of loneliness and fear, her

>   > > terror of abandonment--that empathy kept

> me stuck. But I also hold her

>   > > responsible for herself, because against

> all odds, I did not turn out

>   > like

>   > > her, because I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR

> MYSELF AND REFUSED TO ACCEPT MY

>   > OWN

>   > > BAD BEHAVIOR AND LOOKED FOR HELP UNTIL I

> FOUND IT SO I COULD BE BETTER.

>   > >

>   > > I know, maybe i'm not fair, maybe it is

> all a crazy illness and I just

>   > > didn't have the gene...

>   > >

>   > > What I'm struggling with now is accepting

> that she is so toxic and

>   > > dangerous that the LC I'm on with her is

> likely going to need to be

>   > > permanent. That she is as dangerous as

> I've alwasy feared, that I wasn't

>   > > making that up. And that I'm pretty much a

> well adjusted easy to live

>   > with

>   > > person when I have NC with her, but go on

> shame spirals etc when I go

>   > > anywhere near her. What I'm trying to

> accept is that there is no

>   > interaction

>   > > I have with her where she is not in some

> way abusive, even if she's

>   > smiling

>   > > at me. I'm trying to accept that I'm

> really losing/ have lost her, and

>   > that

>   > > that's a good thing and is okay. That it's

> time for me to trust my own

>   > > judgement and that it's okay to let nada

> be responsible for herself and

>   > reap

>   > > the natural consequences of her toxic

> behavior, i.e. losing relationship

>   > > with me. I'm pretty sure this therapist

> isn't going to accept that.

>   > >

>   > > As my friend put it, " At this point it

> doesn't matter why she does what

>   > she

>   > > does, it's effect on you is still the

> same. " I really just wanted therapy

>   > to

>   > > heal and grow and to get over the shock of

> nada almost killing my father

>   > two

>   > > weeks ago. But this therapist has no idea

> about that... Apparently I am

>   > mad

>   > > and wanted to vent and be pejorative about

> my poor remorseful bpd mother

>   > who

>   > > really wants to change so much and feels

> so bad about what she does. Hee

>   > > Hee.

>   > >

>   > > Anyway, I'm calling tonight to definitely

> cancel this appointment and to

>   > > trust my own judgement about goodness of

> fit with this therapist. And I'm

>   > > not going to let myself second guess

> myself again, or take any further

>   > phone

>   > > calls from her.

>   > >

>   > > the one good thing about it is after

> spending a few days practicing

>   > > standing up to her I suddenly feel a lot

> more convinced that it's not

>   > wrong

>   > > to be LC or even NC with nada with what's

> going on. I'm not being mean...

>   > > I'm just getting out of a bad

> neighborhood.

>   > >

>   > > Are male therapists any better?

>   > >

>   > > Oh God, I'm in so much pain. But, I'm not

> depressed, and I have so say

>   > > healthy grief pain is not so bad compared

> to depressed pain.

>   > >

>   > >

>   > > ________________________________

>   > > From: charlottehoneychurch

<charlottehoneychurch@...<charlottehoneychurch%40yahoo.com>

>   > <charlottehoneychurch%40yahoo.com>

>   > > >

>   > > To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

>   > <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

>   >

>   > > Sent: Fri, June 18, 2010 1:31:01 PM

>   > >

>   > > Subject: Re: I got a

> uhoh feeling about a therapist,

>   > > thoughts?

>   > >

>   > > OH, you're kidding! Your nada *is* a

> therapist (of a sort)? Goodness.

>   > Well,

>   > > there you go. MoreP, I had a similar

> experience with a therapist in the

>   > > Southern region of the US--at the time I

> was in a very abusive

>   > relationship

>   > > and feared for my physical safety. The

> therapist started our first

>   > session

>   > > trying to convince me that he wasn't being

> abusive because he didn't

>   > 'mean'

>   > > it that way--trying to get me to take

> responsibility for 'my share' of

>   > the

>   > > relationship. That approach makes sense, I

> guess, if the other person

>   > does

>   > > not mean you harm. But this therapist was

> asking me to dishonor my gut

>   > > reaction--that I was in emotional and

> physical *danger*. Therapists are

>   > > supposed to protect your physical safety,

> first and foremost. But SO used

>   > > was I to questioning myself, and having

> those in authority discount me,

>   > that

>   > > I, also went back for a second session.

> She tried to hear my point of

>   > view,

>   > > and she even read the books I lent her,

> but she just didn't

>   > > seem to *get* it. For whatever

> reason--their own PDs, their own biases, I

>   > > don't know--some therapists don't seem to

> comprehend the idea of truly

>   > toxic

>   > > people. I wish there wasn't a such thing

> either, but when my body tells

>   > me

>   > > someone is trying to destroy me, I have a

> God-given right to stay away

>   > from

>   > > them, just as clear as I don't have to

> jump off a bridge, or walk into a

>   > > landmine. Anyway--I also gave the

> therapist a second chance, just in

>   > case.

>   > > Don't knock yourself out too much, I'd

> say. It's good to be able to

>   > question

>   > > yourself a little--it's what separates us

> from being nadas.

>   > >

>   > > Best,

>   > > Charlie

>   > >

>   > >

>   > > > >

>   > > > > Hey all! it's been a few weeks

> since I've been on this forum. The

>   > > family drama has been totally out of

> control, like to the point I'm

>   > worried

>   > > someone is going to get hurt or killed in

> my FOO. So I got off my butt

>   > and

>   > > got a referral and I just spoke to this

> psychologist today and now I'm

>   > > having an uhoh feeling. What do you guys

> think?

>   > > > >

>   > > > > She's a young psychologist

> trained in DBT, in practice for3 years,

>   > > works a lot with borderlines. I thought

> this would be good because I need

>   > > someone who gets how crazy the family

> system and nada can be. She sounded

>   > > nice, I've heard she's smart. All good

> things. But when I outlined my

>   > > situation, i.e. mom is borderline, need

> someone who gets that,she said

>   > the

>   > > following:

>   > > > > That she is very empathetic to

> the borderline and finds sometimes

>   > > family members don't like that because she

> can't be pejorative to the

>   > person

>   > > they are mad at. She says she is very

> aware of how much borderlines want

>   > to

>   > > change and how sorry they are for the way

> they hurt people they love.

>   > > > > I made an apptfor next week, but

> I'm having doubts. I could meet her

>   > > once and give it a try, or..

>   > > > >

>   > > > > It surprised me that the first

> thing she said was not something

>   > > sympathetic but that she empathizes with

> the borderline. See, I found the

>   > > comments " the person they are mad at " and

> " pejorative " invalidating and

>   > > immediately felt the need to defend myself

> (I'm not mad at her, I

>   > > undwerstand her struggle....etc.). My

> reaction to her comments about how

>   > > they want to change was like " is she

> kidding?! " I asked her if she had

>   > > awareness of borderlines who don't get

> into therapy or medaen mothers

>   > (yes,

>   > > I know it was cryptic), and she said she

> didn't know what I was referring

>   > > to.

>   > > > >

>   > > > > I accept that some borderlines

> want help and are probably very

>   > > remorseful, but my nada is scary as shit

> and not remorseful. I want a

>   > safe

>   > > place where I don't have to defend myself.

> I need a place where it's not

>   > > always about me " understanding my mom " or

> " making allowances. " Isn't

>   > there

>   > > anywhere someone can stand up for me? I've

> been horribly abused and in an

>   > > invalidating envirnment and should have

> turned out bpd myself but somehow

>   > > because I'm not bpd my feelings are less

> important? It's not that " I'm

>   > mad

>   > > at her " , it's that her behavior is

> increasingly dangerous to those around

>   > > her and I need help. So now i'm wondering

> if I should go in and give her

>   > a

>   > > chance (not just 5 min phone call), or

> cancel and start over. It's so

>   > > freaking hard to find a therapist with any

> helpful awareness of bpd!

>   > > > >

>   > > > > As you can see I've hada pretty

> strong emotional reaction here and

>   > > probably have overreacted. Could you guys

> chime in? Should I go meet her

>   > or

>   > > should I call her and ask for another

> referral?

>   > > > >

>   > > > >

>   > > > >

>   > > > >

>   > > > > [Non-text portions of this

> message have been removed]

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>   > > >

>   > > >

>   > > >

>   > > >

>   > > >

>   > > >

>   > > > [Non-text portions of this message

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>   > > >

>   > >

>   > > [Non-text portions of this message have

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>   > >

>   > >

>   >

>   > [Non-text portions of this message have been

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>   >

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