Guest guest Posted June 14, 2010 Report Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hey! I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. It's hard to avoid the guilt. I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. Help!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 It occurs to me that the first thing you might want to do is to assess just how much access your mom has to your financial accounts. If you've told the university bursar, registrar, and financial aid offices that you are going to be responsible for your own tuition payments from now on, that leaves " outside lenders " - you might want to contact any company that EVER made you a loan, and have them change the address to yours, so that at least you're getting whatever bills come in. And while you're at it, go on-line and order credit reports from all three credit reporting agencies. Those are free, and will let you see whether your mom is using your social security number to take out other loans in your name. Then, you can get another free report from each agency in, I think, four months. So in four months' time, order ONE report. Four months after that, order a report from the second agency. Four months later, order a report from the third agency. In this way, you'll get a pretty clear picture of your financial status every four months, without spending a dime. (This is how you can also monitor your credit reports for fraud from criminals.) All you have to do is mark your calendar with reminder dates and then order the reports on-line or over the phone. If you see ANY indication that your mom is using your information without your permission, you should put a " credit freeze " on your files with all three agencies. This means they'll contact you if anybody tries to take out a loan or get a charge card in your name, and when you go to buy a car or apply for a loan, you'll need to let the agencies know that it's really YOU asking for the freeze to be lifted. So that leaves you, a penniless college student, in charge of your own finances and struggling to get through school. I worked my way through with only a little help from my parents, so here's my perspective on this: it will take longer. It will require you to work at crummy jobs while you're in school. It will saddle you with student debt that you will be honor-bound to pay off. But all that is just hard work and money - it's much easier to live your life, do what you have to do, and not be " owned " by your mother or anybody else. If you graduate at 23, or 25, or 26, and have ten years of student loan payments to make, - you'll be done by age 36 and you'll have been a college graduate that whole time. I know 36 must sound ancient to you now if you're a " traditional college student " - but believe me, your thirties will arrive mighty fast. I think living NC and making your own way is a legitimate choice. Only you can decide if it's worth it for you. > > Hey! > > I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. > > I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). > > So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. > > I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. > > I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. > > I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. > > It's hard to avoid the guilt. > > I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. > > I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. > > Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? > > *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. > > So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). > > I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. > > Help!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 The company (TMS) luckily doesn't loan out money. They're trying to collect the last payment from my mother (who was set up to pay last year), but my mom sent me the bill so I paid the school directly. I just need to cancel it, but otherwise, the school has no file on my mother. I've never had to use outside lenders (knock on wood)! I got my award letter early (probably because I'm working on campus), and if I take out ALL my govt loans, I have enough to cover tuition, fees, and rent/utilities without taking work-study money into account. SO basically, I got a great award. They might not give me a health insurance grant because you need a parent/guardian signature on it, but I'm trying to appeal that... if worst comes to worst, I'll see what the MA commonwealth plans can do for me =( I'm graduating early or not at all... either I graduate a year early (this Spring) at the age of 20, or I have one semester left (I'll still be 20), but have no way of applying for $$$-aid... I'm working really hard to find loopholes in the administration, and I have a lot of support from lower level administrators and staff and faculty and outside professionals, so I'll find a way. I'm really lucky to be finishing so soon and with only govt loans ($23,500 so far, so worse than some, but fairly typical). Ugh, still, $2350 a year plus interest =( it'll all work out somehow or another though... I'm just going to keep telling myself that until it happens!!! Thank you for the advice and steps to take. I really need to make sure I'm protecting myself from every possible angle! -Frances I just really really hate that everyone expects my mother to be involved... grrr. I'm definitely going to look into the credit report stuff. I don't think my mom knows my SSN and the only document of mine that she has is my birth certificate. > > > > Hey! > > > > I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. > > > > I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). > > > > So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. > > > > I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. > > > > I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. > > > > I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. > > > > It's hard to avoid the guilt. > > > > I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. > > > > I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. > > > > Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? > > > > *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. > > > > So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). > > > > I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. > > > > Help!!! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 If your mom has any old family tax returns, your SSN is on there. Likewise if she was the custodian on a savings account for you, etc., she'd have had the SSN. Ditto your college apps. It's everywhere - so yeah, assume she has access and start monitoring that stuff. As to health insurance, being 20 is sometimes a great benefit (because you're young and healthy), if you take care of yourself. This penury is temporary (we all hope!) so if you get sick and can't use the campus health center, swallow a vitamin and your pride and go to the county health dept. You sound like you're really on top of all this. > > > > > > Hey! > > > > > > I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. > > > > > > I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). > > > > > > So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. > > > > > > I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. > > > > > > I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. > > > > > > I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. > > > > > > It's hard to avoid the guilt. > > > > > > I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. > > > > > > I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. > > > > > > Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? > > > > > > *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. > > > > > > So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). > > > > > > I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. > > > > > > Help!!! > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 Hmmm... I'm not sure how well she keeps her records, but I would assume she keeps her old tax returns... good to know that she has my SSN from them! I wouldn't be worrying about the health insurance, it's just that Massachusetts requires every resident to purchase health care. I get it super-cheap through my school, but there are also govt subsidized programs that I qualify for unless they take my mother into account =\ if worst comes to worst, it just means that things will be a little tighter than I want them to be... Thanks, Frances > > > > > > > > Hey! > > > > > > > > I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. > > > > > > > > I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). > > > > > > > > So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. > > > > > > > > I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. > > > > > > > > I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. > > > > > > > > I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. > > > > > > > > It's hard to avoid the guilt. > > > > > > > > I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. > > > > > > > > I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. > > > > > > > > Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? > > > > > > > > *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. > > > > > > > > So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). > > > > > > > > I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. > > > > > > > > Help!!! > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 > > So that leaves you, a penniless college student, in charge of your own finances and struggling to get through school. I worked my way through with only a little help from my parents, so here's my perspective on this: it will take longer. It will require you to work at crummy jobs while you're in school. It will saddle you with student debt that you will be honor-bound to pay off. But all that is just hard work and money - it's much easier to live your life, do what you have to do, and not be " owned " by your mother or anybody else. If you graduate at 23, or 25, or 26, and have ten years of student loan payments to make ....Unless crap happens (which it always does) and you still have no money because of the college loans, and you end up more and more and more and MORE in debt because you have to defer payments. This is what happened to me, and I will never live to pay off all the money I owe. I face a destitute old age. And bankruptcy will never help, because it can't write off student loans. I can't afford health insurance, and I never will be able to. This is the situation I am in. Better than being " owned " by a sick FOO? Yeah, but only marginally. My advice: Work your way through. Do not borrow. Once you owe past the lower five figures in an economy like this one, the doors to prosperity close behind you real fast. And, barring a miracle straight from God, like a movie deal or publishing a bestseller, they are locked for good. Just sayin'. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 many hugs. I'll be part of a group hug. Bless you heart, it sounds awful. You are walking on a path, one step at a time, away from her having any control or influence in your life. You are not there yet, but you sure are headed in the right direction. I support you and I know every one else does too. My father is much the same, always willing to lend a hand but it just fosters financial dependence so he can then condemn you, abuse you, make you feel worthless and talk about what a failure you are. it seems like generosity but he is really just buying the right to say, 'see I told you so, look how worthless and incompetent you are, without me you'd be nothing'. the most infuriating thing he has done and continues to do every once in a while is talk about how my parents 'sent me to college' and I still turned out to be a failure. This enrages me so much I can barely stand it, because they did nothing of the sort. I had scholarships and loans, and that is all. They would send me $20 or $30 dollars every once in a while at school, but I also had a work study job too that I got paid out of. My scholarship paid half of my tuition, the other half was loans which I paid off without their help. This is how he twists the truth, that he can say " we sent you to college " when the only truth in that is that yes they had to drive me to college in their car because I didn't own a car, and drop me off. I confronted him about it one time and he screamed " Well, we bought you luggage!!! " at the top of his lungs. You can't write better comedy than the things that happen in my family. A set of luggage (that I didn't want or ask for)=college tuition??? Not. Unfortunately it took me until the last few years to understand my father and what his true motives in 'helping' me and my siblings were. If I'd known this years ago I'd never have gotten reinvolved with them. At this point I am slowly trying to extract myself out of their clutches but it is going to take a while. > > Hey! > > I went NC at the end of last school year, abruptly and messily. I finally sent a brief letter detailing NC to Nada (I'm not contacting you; please don't contact me) She sent me an email as soon as she got it (I'm glad you're doing well; I did that to my parents when I was your age too, etc). So she clearly broke the ONE boundary I asked her to respect. I just got another email from her. > > I had my school switch all our billing addresses to my school mail box (something they hardly ever let people do... I had to explain that my mother doesn't have a permanent address, and back then I had no contact with my father), so I know the SCHOOL isn't sending her bills or info about tuition, but Tuition Management Services might have (they're a third party). > > So she said she got some " bills " (that haven't been sent out by the school yet since we don't get our financial aid packages until the end of June). It all seems very fishy to me. She said that if I set up the payment plan, I could " enjoy " doing what I had done in previous years (take care of her finances for her) and just let her know. She says this after mailing me an overdue notice for a tuition payment she TOLD me she had payed. I had to pay the school directly, and I still have to cancel the TMS contract for last semester. > > I feel like I'm being hoovered, because at the end of our relationship, tuition/ taxes/ financial aid information was the last form of tangible control she had over me. I'm not sure why the hell anyone would send her since we still don't know what we have to pay until I get my financial aid award, and I feel like this is a trap to get in touch with me again. > > I feel egged on... especially since I ASKED HER NOT TO CONTACT ME (explicitly). I want to ignore it, but on the other hand, I'd love it if she payed for college, but I can't afford to let her have that control over me... that's cost me about $10k in loans my first year and about $700 of a $2k loan this year (all govt subsidized thankfully). I don't want her putting me in a position, to take out any more loans, or dig myself deeper in debt, and she can be really sneaky/tricky in getting people under her control. > > I shouldn't respond to this, and I'm going to show it to my therapist, and my grandmother who is still in contact with her. I think I'd rather risk my college education than risk getting screwed over financially again and miss out on my college education in addition to dealing with a Nada. I don't want to be indebted to her in ANY way... it's not safe. > > It's hard to avoid the guilt. > > I'm also angry at myself because I was having one of the best afternoons/evenings of my life (as a recovering eating disorder person, I discovered the joys of chocolate whipped cream—without forcing myself to puke, work off the calories, or go into a deep dark depression), I went to a GREAT lecture and am getting in contact with some useful professors and local activists, I went on a date (that went REALLY well)... it was an AMAZING afternoon/evening, and I let myself get all stressed out about mom stuff. I wish I had enough control to not get upset about seeing her emails, but I do... that's why I EXPLICITLY asked her not to contact me. And to top it off, I worry that I send her another email or letter saying not to contact me, she'll take it as a sign that my resolve is weakening. > > I hate that I can be bought and sold... I HATE it, and I hate that she has the (shaky and frequently unreliable) financial ability to do that to me. > > Point in blank... she could not have heard anything from my school, but she may be getting advertisements from the third party company. My warning bells have been set off, and I know I should continue to ignore these emails, but I hate being in fear all the time, and money is a REAL concern for me =( How low will I sink to get through college? > > *sigh* if I ever become rich, I really want to start a college fund/scholarship for KOs and other students from difficult families that don't quite fit the qualifications for a dependency override. > > So whether or not she's trying to hoover me, I feel hoovered, and it's a strong pull. Even if I choose to respond, I don't have to do it right away. I don't want to send the wrong idea by breaching my NC for money because then she'll try to buy me again. It feels so degrading to know that she tried to buy me for all those years (and sell me in various ways while I was little). I was never sexually prostituted, but I felt " prostituted " she sent me to places to do things she could brag about and live vicariously through (enmeshment!) whether or not I liked it. She tried to force me into designer clothes and skimpy outfits to show me off (even though she would turn around and say, " I can't afford your tuition " ). > > I need a hug right now, and a sane, aware community and family that can offer support, but I don't know how or where to reach out for that. > > Help!!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 Roganda - Yes, crap does happen. (Oh, I could tell you some stories, too.) And a degree isn't an insurance policy against unemployment or dissatisfaction with a career choice. Still, having it is better than not, and there are benefits to furthering your education that aren't measured in dollars. But yeah, taking longer and working your way through might be better than taking on student debt, especially in this economy. When I graduated, taking that many years to get through school (and graduate nearly debt-free) didn't make as much sense, because things were booming and I could have made a lot more money with the degree. But things have changed. I still hold that getting the degree and being out from under a bunch of crazy people earlier, rather than later in life, is a good plan. I would add that there is a certain amount of misery that is dumped upon us (like an oil spill), and a certain amount that we volunteer for. It's not selfish to control what we can, so that we can deal better with the stuff we cannot control. > > > > > > So that leaves you, a penniless college student, in charge of your own finances and struggling to get through school. I worked my way through with only a little help from my parents, so here's my perspective on this: it will take longer. It will require you to work at crummy jobs while you're in school. It will saddle you with student debt that you will be honor-bound to pay off. But all that is just hard work and money - it's much easier to live your life, do what you have to do, and not be " owned " by your mother or anybody else. If you graduate at 23, or 25, or 26, and have ten years of student loan payments to make > > > ...Unless crap happens (which it always does) and you still have no money because of the college loans, and you end up more and more and more and MORE in debt because you have to defer payments. > > This is what happened to me, and I will never live to pay off all the money I owe. I face a destitute old age. And bankruptcy will never help, because it can't write off student loans. I can't afford health insurance, and I never will be able to. > > This is the situation I am in. Better than being " owned " by a sick FOO? Yeah, but only marginally. > > My advice: Work your way through. Do not borrow. Once you owe past the lower five figures in an economy like this one, the doors to prosperity close behind you real fast. And, barring a miracle straight from God, like a movie deal or publishing a bestseller, they are locked for good. > > Just sayin'. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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