Re: Re: Family trying to get me to connect with my mother.

[Guest guest]

ne,

I was about to start a discussion topic similar to yours when I received

this thread in my inbox. After 12 months of LC/NC with my mother following

an explosive fight we had THE DAY I brought my newborn son home from the

hospital (and when she told me she should have aborted me), her sisters are

now pressuring me to " resolve our differences " . They acknowledge that she is

sick and that she has had psychological problems most of her life, but they

say that it's just a part of who she is and I should just forgive her and

move on. They also appear to be believing her smear campaign directed

against me and my husband, acting as if we're the ones who need

psychological help. One of my aunts even said to me recently that I am not

as sensitive as my mother or the rest of the family, and that therefore I

may not even really belong in it.

I feel so defeated by the lies and by trying to defend myself from all of

the oncoming attacks. As an only child raised by an incredibly imbalanced

BPD/depressive mother, I had always hoped that I would find some comfort in

my extended family. And they were actually kind to me as a child. But as

I've gotten older, they have withdrawn their kindness whenever I have had

big blow-outs with my mother and have made me feel as if I can't trust them.

This, coupled with my mourning for a mother figure during the first year of

my first child's life, has now left me feeling really hurt and frustrated.

There is no place for me to turn for understanding as even my husband can

only hear so much before he gets really upset about the situation and

advises me to stop obsessing and cut off all contact.

But I can't help feeling that if I cut off the rest of the family in

addition to my mother, my childhood--indeed, my entire existence-- will

slowly disappear. Everytime I get together with my husband's family they all

talk about their memories of his childhood and I just kind of hang out in

the background, smiling politely. So I call my aunts to find out how they

are doing and to make some kind of emotional connection, and am met with

varying degrees of disinterest and admonishments that I should be talking to

my crazy mother.

Often the only place I can find any emotional release is in the shower and

I'm reduced to sobbing in the corner of my bathtub. Not a great way to carry

on... Anyway, I'm sorry for the rant. I just wanted to say " me, too " .

Anastasia

On Wed, Jun 23, 2010 at 9:23 AM, morgannefreeborn wrote:

>

>

> Thanks everyone for your insights and support!! I particularly *loved* the

> 'translation' of my aunt's letter. It was so dead on!!

>

> ~ne

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>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the support, . Your calling us " orphans " really hit home for

me. I told my best friend a year ago that I now feel like I am orphaned

after having severed ties with my mother. And you're absolutely right-- my

mother will never be the kind of grandparent I would trust with my child.

Too much anger, too irrational and no telling what kinds of stories she

would tell him about my husband and me.

But as ne pointed out, disconnecting from The Crazy is made super-hard

by other family members. I'm trying to set boundaries with them as well by

firmly stating that I don't want to talk about my mother with them but they

just keep bringing her up whenever we have a conversation. So do I walk away

from them, too?

Anastasia

On Thu, Jun 24, 2010 at 6:21 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

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>

> Anastasia - On this point, I absolutely agree with your sisters. You SHOULD

> forgive and move on. Move as far on as you can possibly go, and never look

> back. " Forgiving " in this sense means realizing that your mom is ill, that

> she can't change, so you don't rehash everything she says and try to make

> her accountable for it. You simply walk away. Not her fault, but not your

> responsibility to fix her. That's not what your sisters meant, but it works.

>

> Losing those who remember our childhoods is a big price to pay, I agree.

> Not having grandparents for our kids is also sad. But our BPD parents were

> never going to be the kind of loving grandparents with whom we could trust

> our children. As " orphans, " we have to start new and concentrate on our own

> new families - who will be able to do for our kids what we wanted our

> relatives to do for us. I'm finding it much easier to do this extra work in

> a Nada-free environment - and the work pays off. Continuing to deal with

> Nada Drama never paid off for me.

>

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> > >

> > > Thanks everyone for your insights and support!! I particularly *loved*

> the

> > > 'translation' of my aunt's letter. It was so dead on!!

> > >

> > > ~ne

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