All or Nothing Relationships

[Guest guest]

I have to admit- I stole this concept from Bethany from Housewives of NYC.

Whoever started the topic about her mom probably having BPD, I totally agree! If

not, she has definitely been through something similar so it helps to see parts

of myself in someone else so I can evaluate them more objectively.

She was having a problem with a romantic relationship and said she was always

all or nothing in her relationships- always gave 100% to the detriment of

herself or didn't want to be in at all and I definitely think I do the same. I

really think our nada's trained us to do this though- they demanded us to be

" all in " and to give up our hobbies, needs, and friends for them. If we tried to

pull away (LC), they would get angry. My nada ended up going NC on her own when

I tried to limit phone calls to once a week. Nada has taught us from a very

early age that we should be completely selfless or not deserving of a

relationship at all.

It's so unhealthy and I really hope that I can break free of this pattern! I

definitely do this and when I'm dating someone I devote all of my time to him

and give up my hobbies and friendships. Thank god I have amazing friends but

this isn't fair to them or to me! I end up missing all of my hobbies and alone

time and end up resenting my bf, when really I created this imbalance in the

first place. Do any of you have experiences with this? How have you been able to

break out of it??

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

it's been a long time since I have allowed myself to be in a relationship but I

am finding myself interested in someone lately who seems to be kind of flirting

back. Lesbian dating in your 50's can be weird. that line between friendship and

" love interest " can be pretty blurred. I also find myself doing a lot around my

house to make it feel more friendly - I think I am nesting! this I do know. I

will never ever introduce a partner to my family again. I would never again

subject someone I care about to that. Beyond that, when the relationship is

over, I get to hear what a terrible person they were and how my mom never

thought she was right for me. of course, there is NOBODY right for me. she tells

me on the phone that I am a " loner " . I am NOT a loner. I just don't tell her

when I am " together " with someone anymore. I have strict boundaries about

sharing my personal love life with my parents. and like I said, it's been a

while since I have been in a long enough relationship to have it even matter.

she surely doesn't need to know about shorter " flings " . Never mind the

" homophobia shame " she feels. another entire story.

But, anyway, I think ultimately, the best thing we can do on this list, beyond

understanding their behavior the best we can, is to be able to examine our own

behavior and make sure at least MY worst fear never comes true.

" Mirror mirror on the wall. I'm my mother after all " .

ugh. worst fear in the world. congrats on figuring it out. it's healing. I'm

glad for you.

------

" I end up missing all of my hobbies and alone time and end up resenting my bf,

when really I created this imbalance in the first place. Do any of you have

experiences with this? How have you been able to break out of it?? "

[Guest guest]

amen. god bless Bethenny for sharing truthfully about her background, she

probably has no idea how many people she has helped with her honesty and not

sugar-coating everything.

my mother, christ she is getting on my nerves tonight. yep it's definitely the

withholding thing, support me %100 and don't ever espect reciprocation. she did

it again yesterday, trashing my sister with some trumped up dramatic b.s., which

I walked away from, only to find her mad at me today and unwilling to even talk

about the weather. she is like that. her way or else sometimes, though she is

not loud or argumentative or whatever, she is just pitiful and martyristic.

I had someone get in a relationship with me and say 'you don't do anything you

used to do' to me after a few months. I totally lost myself. I just disappear. I

don't know what the answer is. I moved away out of state with someone I barely

knew one time because they said they had stage 4 ovarian cancer. I never found

out if that was true or not but they are still alive 14 years later and have had

cancer at least a couple more times. I just gave up my entire life, job,

everything. Bizarre. So definitely all. I think that is why I've been single for

ten years. I really don't know how to not give away my soul.

>

> I have to admit- I stole this concept from Bethany from Housewives of NYC.

Whoever started the topic about her mom probably having BPD, I totally agree! If

not, she has definitely been through something similar so it helps to see parts

of myself in someone else so I can evaluate them more objectively.

>

> She was having a problem with a romantic relationship and said she was always

all or nothing in her relationships- always gave 100% to the detriment of

herself or didn't want to be in at all and I definitely think I do the same. I

really think our nada's trained us to do this though- they demanded us to be

" all in " and to give up our hobbies, needs, and friends for them. If we tried to

pull away (LC), they would get angry. My nada ended up going NC on her own when

I tried to limit phone calls to once a week. Nada has taught us from a very

early age that we should be completely selfless or not deserving of a

relationship at all.

>

> It's so unhealthy and I really hope that I can break free of this pattern! I

definitely do this and when I'm dating someone I devote all of my time to him

and give up my hobbies and friendships. Thank god I have amazing friends but

this isn't fair to them or to me! I end up missing all of my hobbies and alone

time and end up resenting my bf, when really I created this imbalance in the

first place. Do any of you have experiences with this? How have you been able to

break out of it??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

phine,

My nada does the martyr thing too and it drives me crazy!! She used to do the

loud crazy rages when I was younger which I actually prefer, because then fada

is somewhat likely to realize she's nuts. Now he and my brother completely fall

for this martyr thing and it is so frustrating!!

Anyways, my therapist and I always have an issue/goal for each session and I

think this is going to be the one for this week. I'll let you know what she says

so that we can all hopefully break free of this cycle and enjoy normal healthy

relationships.

> >

> > I have to admit- I stole this concept from Bethany from Housewives of NYC.

Whoever started the topic about her mom probably having BPD, I totally agree! If

not, she has definitely been through something similar so it helps to see parts

of myself in someone else so I can evaluate them more objectively.

> >

> > She was having a problem with a romantic relationship and said she was

always all or nothing in her relationships- always gave 100% to the detriment of

herself or didn't want to be in at all and I definitely think I do the same. I

really think our nada's trained us to do this though- they demanded us to be

" all in " and to give up our hobbies, needs, and friends for them. If we tried to

pull away (LC), they would get angry. My nada ended up going NC on her own when

I tried to limit phone calls to once a week. Nada has taught us from a very

early age that we should be completely selfless or not deserving of a

relationship at all.

> >

> > It's so unhealthy and I really hope that I can break free of this pattern! I

definitely do this and when I'm dating someone I devote all of my time to him

and give up my hobbies and friendships. Thank god I have amazing friends but

this isn't fair to them or to me! I end up missing all of my hobbies and alone

time and end up resenting my bf, when really I created this imbalance in the

first place. Do any of you have experiences with this? How have you been able to

break out of it??

> >

> >

> >

>