Re: Family trying to get me to connect with my mother.

[Guest guest]

Dear Niece,

I am so sick of listening to your mother complain about you. Please call her

right away, so things can go back to how they were. Your mother's abusive

verbal vomit, once directed at you, is now directed at me. Please continue to

take her crap so I don't have to hear about it anymore. No matter what she does

to you, she is your mother, so you should keep taking it. It makes it easier on

me.

Fogging You,

Auntie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to get

me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months after a

very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called my, then,

3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at me while

holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then threw me

out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong, called me a

selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

>

> My aunt sent me this email today:

>

> " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J. have a

great visit.

> I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her birthday.

I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful verbal

exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to seperate

hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that belief that

actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in times of

emotional stress.

> I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did but

would always love them and I do.

> I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

>

> Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> With love

> auntie "

>

> And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

>

> Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly being

painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is focus

on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have all

said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to her

toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

>

> So frustrated.

>

> ~ne

>

[Guest guest]

Standing " O " my dear!

One of the most illuminating things I have learned about this whole FOO/BPD

thing is that they really only support the BPD person so they don't have to put

up with her. Period. If the BPD-angst is turned on the child, it's not turned

on them. And it's easier to believe that a child is acting up/out that to admit

that the parent is nuts. Cause if the parent is nuts, then " someone " has to

stand up for the child and that means the FOO would have to get off their butts

and DO something... and risk the Wrath of Khan!

Bletch.

Thanks for NOTHING oh dear Family of mine that wasn't!

Lynnette

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to

get me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months

after a very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called

my, then, 3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at

me while holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then

threw me out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong,

called me a selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

> >

> > My aunt sent me this email today:

> >

> > " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J. have

a great visit.

> > I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her

birthday. I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful

verbal exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to

seperate hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that

belief that actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in

times of emotional stress.

> > I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did

but would always love them and I do.

> > I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

> >

> > Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> > With love

> > auntie "

> >

> > And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

> >

> > Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly

being painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is

focus on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have

all said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to

her toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

> >

> > So frustrated.

> >

> > ~ne

> >

>

[Guest guest]

YES! It is always couched in loving terms, like, " your mother is so sad " but

REALLY, much of their motivation comes from wanting nada to stop complaining.

Think about it, if one's mother said, " yeah we had a fight. it'll work itself

out " and then dropped it, the FOO wouldn't get involved. They just get involved

because they are tired of hearing it.

Deanna

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to

get me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months

after a very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called

my, then, 3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at

me while holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then

threw me out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong,

called me a selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

> > >

> > > My aunt sent me this email today:

> > >

> > > " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J.

have a great visit.

> > > I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her

birthday. I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful

verbal exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to

seperate hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that

belief that actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in

times of emotional stress.

> > > I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did

but would always love them and I do.

> > > I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

> > >

> > > Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> > > With love

> > > auntie "

> > >

> > > And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

> > >

> > > Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly

being painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is

focus on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have

all said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to

her toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

> > >

> > > So frustrated.

> > >

> > > ~ne

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

yeah it shifts the balance of her needs to them as well - and they don't like

that if the KO was the one who was supposed to be in charge of keeping her

stable and making her world okay.

julie

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone,

> > > >

> > > > So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try

to get me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months

after a very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called

my, then, 3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at

me while holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then

threw me out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong,

called me a selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

> > > >

> > > > My aunt sent me this email today:

> > > >

> > > > " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J.

have a great visit.

> > > > I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her

birthday. I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful

verbal exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to

seperate hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that

belief that actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in

times of emotional stress.

> > > > I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or

did but would always love them and I do.

> > > > I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

> > > >

> > > > Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> > > > With love

> > > > auntie "

> > > >

> > > > And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday -

it would feel better - trust me. "

> > > >

> > > > Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly

being painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is

focus on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have

all said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to

her toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

> > > >

> > > > So frustrated.

> > > >

> > > > ~ne

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Never mind that the KO was given that #$%@#$@% job at age 3 when the Nada left

said KO's dad because she was, " Bored! "

Yeah... I have trust issues.

Lynnette

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > >

> > > > > So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives

try to get me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three

months after a very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She

called my, then, 3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive

(lunged at me while holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming

fits. She then threw me out of the house and blamed me for everything that was

going wrong, called me a selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So,

I haven't.

> > > > >

> > > > > My aunt sent me this email today:

> > > > >

> > > > > " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and

J. have a great visit.

> > > > > I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her

birthday. I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful

verbal exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to

seperate hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that

belief that actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in

times of emotional stress.

> > > > > I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or

did but would always love them and I do.

> > > > > I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> > > > > With love

> > > > > auntie "

> > > > >

> > > > > And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday -

it would feel better - trust me. "

> > > > >

> > > > > Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm

slowly being painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying

to do is focus on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill.

They have all said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose

myself to her toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

> > > > >

> > > > > So frustrated.

> > > > >

> > > > > ~ne

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

ne, wow, serious FOG in that letter. It brings up a memory that my mother

completely rewrote some big confrontations I had with her when telling my aunt.

So it's entirely possible yours did something similar and from your aunt's POV

this is actually a rational and loving letter. She seems to imagine that an

equal argument occurred with hurtful things on both sides - NOT a crazy woman

being abusive to her daughter and grandson. And I'm sure the way your mother

told it to her did not reflect that at all...

julie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to get

me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months after a

very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called my, then,

3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at me while

holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then threw me

out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong, called me a

selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

>

> My aunt sent me this email today:

>

> " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J. have a

great visit.

> I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her birthday.

I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful verbal

exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to seperate

hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that belief that

actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in times of

emotional stress.

> I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did but

would always love them and I do.

> I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

>

> Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> With love

> auntie "

>

> And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

>

> Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly being

painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is focus

on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have all

said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to her

toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

>

> So frustrated.

>

> ~ne

>

[Guest guest]

" Deanna " wrote:

Dear Niece,

I am so sick of listening to your mother complain about you. Please call her

right away, so things can go back to how they were. Your mother's abusive

verbal vomit, once directed at you, is now directed at me. Please continue to

take her crap so I don't have to hear about it anymore. No matter what she does

to you, she is your mother, so you should keep taking it. It makes it easier on

me.

Fogging You,

Auntie

----Thanks Deanna. I loved this. loved it. I was wanting to say something

similar in response but I never could have said it so poignantly. made me LOL.

it is sooo right on. sadly, it is exactly what the truth is. EXACTLY!

also, of course, my aunt grew up in the same house as my mom. She has been

unable to set boundaries with this woman for 72 years (in my case) she surely

can't start now. She prefers to just have peace...and that means " I " take the

crap instead of her. I am also the person my aunt calls to complain to about my

mom. If my mom is a bee's nest that is always kind of there, my aunt is the one

standing there with the long stick constantly poking at it making me constantly

upset by reminding me daily sometimes of her bad points. I told my aunt once

" she is only your sister, this woman is supposed to be my mother. You may feel

sad that you don't have a caring sister, but I have NEVER had a caring mom. I

win! " She laughed. I was serious. When my aunt talks to me about my mom's

misadventures all the time, she keeps my riled up about her which makes me

always more aggravated with her than I need to be on my own. She is always

poking the hornet's nest in my head. Since I had no contact for 5 weeks, she

couldn't complain to me about her. Could be a similar thing like Deanna

said...only she said it much more funny and to the real point.

thanks deanna and wish I/we didn't understand the truth of your words. ame

[Guest guest]

lol Dea

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to

get me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months

after a very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called

my, then, 3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at

me while holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then

threw me out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong,

called me a selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

> >

> > My aunt sent me this email today:

> >

> > " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J. have

a great visit.

> > I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her

birthday. I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful

verbal exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to

seperate hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that

belief that actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in

times of emotional stress.

> > I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did

but would always love them and I do.

> > I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

> >

> > Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> > With love

> > auntie "

> >

> > And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

> >

> > Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly

being painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is

focus on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have

all said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to

her toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

> >

> > So frustrated.

> >

> > ~ne

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your insights and support!! I particularly *loved* the

'translation' of my aunt's letter. It was so dead on!!

~ne

[Guest guest]

Anastasia - On this point, I absolutely agree with your sisters. You SHOULD

forgive and move on. Move as far on as you can possibly go, and never look

back. " Forgiving " in this sense means realizing that your mom is ill, that she

can't change, so you don't rehash everything she says and try to make her

accountable for it. You simply walk away. Not her fault, but not your

responsibility to fix her. That's not what your sisters meant, but it works.

Losing those who remember our childhoods is a big price to pay, I agree. Not

having grandparents for our kids is also sad. But our BPD parents were never

going to be the kind of loving grandparents with whom we could trust our

children. As " orphans, " we have to start new and concentrate on our own new

families - who will be able to do for our kids what we wanted our relatives to

do for us. I'm finding it much easier to do this extra work in a Nada-free

environment - and the work pays off. Continuing to deal with Nada Drama never

paid off for me.

>

> >

> >

> > Thanks everyone for your insights and support!! I particularly *loved* the

> > 'translation' of my aunt's letter. It was so dead on!!

> >

> > ~ne

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have to save this thread where I will always be able to find it. While my

grandmother was alive my grandparents sort of understood what was up between me

and nada and why I didn't speak to her and wasn't around much. I say sort of

because my grandmother had some senile memory problems and she would genuinely

forget stuff I told her.

Now that she is gone it's like my grandfather feels like he *has* to be close to

nada again and is pressuring me to do the same.

In his case, if he has to put up with her nonsense it's sort of poetic justice,

because his cruel treatment of her in her childhood is what started this whole

thing to begin with. I, however, have no such history and need to fix my own

life, not get all stuck up in hers again.

I never really thought of this as a major motivation of the Flying Monkeys. But

it certainly seems to make some sense.

Great posts, every one.

Thank you.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Nope. She lunged at you holding the baby and was verbally abusive to your child.

It's your duty as a parent to protect your child above all else. Tell both of

them you acted with unbelievable magnanimity by not having her thrown in jail.

That's more than alot of people would have done, and in my book it lets you off

the hook for life.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> So - it's my mother's b-day today and so far I've had two relatives try to get

me to call/contact her. I haven't spoken with my mother for three months after a

very upsetting confrontation during which she went too far. She called my, then,

3 month old son a " little f-er " , became wildly aggressive (lunged at me while

holding the baby), and went on multiple rants/screaming fits. She then threw me

out of the house and blamed me for everything that was going wrong, called me a

selfish b****, and told to never contact her again. So, I haven't.

>

> My aunt sent me this email today:

>

> " I hear that you are going for a visit to XYZ City. Hope you, S. and J. have a

great visit.

> I am going to visit with your Mum and take her out to lunch for her birthday.

I know that there is a great rift between you two because of hurtful verbal

exchanges. I love you and I love your Mum I just want you to try to seperate

hurtful actions and words from the person . I try to live by that belief that

actions and words do not necessarily express what a person means in times of

emotional stress.

> I always told my sons that I may hate some of the things they said or did but

would always love them and I do.

> I love you, S. and J. and hope to see you sometime this summer.

>

> Have a great trip and try to keep in touch.

> With love

> auntie "

>

> And my brother sent me a text. " call mom & wish her a happy birthday - it

would feel better - trust me. "

>

> Actually I feel better NOT contacting her. What do I do now? I'm slowly being

painted as the bad guy in this situation when all that I'm trying to do is focus

on my healing and my new family. They all know that she is ill. They have all

said that she is ill. Why would they want me to continually expose myself to her

toxicity if they know it's bad for me?

>

> So frustrated.

>

> ~ne

>