Re: Please help me respond to this SCATHING email

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you got caught in a major smear campaign(s).

Have you considered that one or two folks within this circle may have BPD? You

deserve far, far better treatment from people you consider friends.

The whole thing feels lose-lose to me. Just make sure you aren't the biggest

loser.

Ask yourself: what do YOU want? Revenge? Peace? Disconnection? Respect?

Acceptance? Acknowledgement? Understanding? Justice? Fairness?

And, more importantly: What can you have? You clearly can't make these people

well and functional. As long as your well-being rests on them behaving properly

.. . .you aren't going to be well.

Hopefully, some of those questions will help you come up with a strategy. But,

for what it's worth, you have my permission to walk away. Let them think what

they will. You're much more important than all of this.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

>

> I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

>

> Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

>

> Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

>

> I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

>

> The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> -----------------------

> Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

>

> We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken

in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

>

> I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

>

> I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> ------------------

> I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Triangulation.

Don't bother responding. Nothing good can come of it.

And what do you care what they think of you, anyway? You can't make everyone

happy. You made the right choice to make you happy.

Tina

>

> I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

>

> I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

>

> Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

>

> Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

>

> I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

>

> The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> -----------------------

> Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

>

> We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken

in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

>

> I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

>

> I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> ------------------

> I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Karla and Tina for slugging through that super long post! Ugh I couldn't

sleep last night, I'm just so mad that Anjali took this opportunity to yell at

me for every single thing she's ever been mad about. Her email is so one-sided

and she clearly just wanted to " get everything off her chest " at anyone else's

expense. I'm leaning toward not replying so that I don't stoop to her level and

to just have this issue be over with. I'm still in complete shock that Anjali

had the audacity to send an email like that. I really hope that I can just put

this to rest without shooting back another email...

> >

> > I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

> >

> > I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

> >

> > Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

> >

> > Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

> >

> > I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only

more insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was

re-evaluating my friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I

wished her the best things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

> >

> > The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> > Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet

up in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> > -----------------------

> > Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> > So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

> >

> > We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely

spoken in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with

you. It was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was

initally peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which

honestly was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

> >

> > I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but

I have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

> >

> > I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to

talk with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things

to you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable

or their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> > ------------------

> > I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

- You said you don't really want to be friends with them any more. And

now, they don't much like you either. That's OK. Not everybody in the world is

going to like you. But there will be a sufficient number of people who WILL

like you. So drop it. Block any further communication so that you don't have

to read anything else they send - apparently they have a lot of spare time on

their hands, and you are a busy person, right?

If mutual friends indicate that they've heard some kind of negative messages

about you, just laugh and say, " Yeah, I can't be beloved of the entire world, I

guess! " And then roll your eyes and change the subject to something positive.

>

> I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

>

> I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

>

> Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

>

> Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

>

> I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

>

> The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> -----------------------

> Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

>

> We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken

in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

>

> I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

>

> I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> ------------------

> I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, this seems to fall into the " with friends like these,

who needs enemies? " category. I think not replying is the right

choice. I can't see any good coming of doing so. If you still

want to be friends with her, talking calmly about some of the

issues involved in person seems like a better choice.

At 10:34 AM 06/23/2010 cocochanel1005 wrote:

>Thanks Karla and Tina for slugging through that super long

>post! Ugh I couldn't sleep last night, I'm just so mad that

>Anjali took this opportunity to yell at me for every single

>thing she's ever been mad about. Her email is so one-sided and

>she clearly just wanted to " get everything off her chest " at

>anyone else's expense. I'm leaning toward not replying so that

>I don't stoop to her level and to just have this issue be over

>with. I'm still in complete shock that Anjali had the audacity

>to send an email like that. I really hope that I can just put

>this to rest without shooting back another email...

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree here. There is nothing you can do that is productive and healthy. What

choice are you given? Its emotional blackmail for her to believe that you owe

her anything if she is abusing your relationship.

I know what its like to have to walk away from my mother. For years, I knew mine

was ill, the minute I saw Tony Soprano's therapist describe what was wrong with

his mother, I was like " oh my " , that's exactly my mother. Before that, I was so

locked into her world I wouldn't have recognized emotional blackmail if it bit

me on the nose.

But even then I wanted to believe if I just let her have her fantasy, I could go

along to get along.

My nephews are now victims. I should have stood up many years ago, before its

too late, but I was stuck in my non-BP mechanisms, and now at least one is

showing signs of this pathology, crying suicide if he doesn't get his way.

Take care and know that you aren't alone. For what its worth, I felt a little

less alone knowing we're all in this together.

Char

> >

> > I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

> >

> > I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

> >

> > Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

> >

> > Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

> >

> > I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only

more insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was

re-evaluating my friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I

wished her the best things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

> >

> > The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> > Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet

up in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> > -----------------------

> > Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> > So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

> >

> > We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely

spoken in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with

you. It was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was

initally peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which

honestly was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

> >

> > I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but

I have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

> >

> > I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to

talk with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things

to you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable

or their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> > ------------------

> > I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I If I were you I wouldn't bother responding to the triangulation. These people

are very unhealthy, likely BPD or flea bitten, somewhat immature, selfish, and

needy. Do you really need this?

I understand about the angry/hurt/attacked feelings, that's exactly what they're

trying to evoke from you. Don't satisfy them with a reply, move on.

Personally I have done this with former 'friends', and would do it again....

just cut people like that right out of my life. Blocked on email, erased on my

cell phone, blocked on social networking sites, and ignored utterly if

encountered in person. Then it's easier not to obsess over the drama, poof,

gone. In my experience these people won't rest until you're upset in some way,

so they get the freeze out. I find BPD's don't like not knowing what you're up

to. So there's your win-win!

Sincerely good luck with these ding bats. You can do better.

Hugs from HF.

>

> I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

>

> I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

>

> Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

>

> Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

>

> I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

>

> The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> -----------------------

> Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

>

> We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken

in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

>

> I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

>

> I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> ------------------

> I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

my only thought is do not respond. refuse to play. Something I read once: never

talk when you can grunt, never grunt when you can nod, and never put anything in

an e-mail. It's a lesson (about e-mail) I have to learn again and again.

If someone wants to have a heart to heart with you (one on one only,not two or

more on one) and you feel like it, that's different. But flying e-mail, facebook

nastograms, and all that jazz, never seem to resolve anything as far as I can

tell. They just get forwarded to other people, who can't resist to put their two

cents worth in. If anything you could simply say, " I can't in good conscience

burden you with something that doesn't concern you in the least. " The end.

>

> I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

>

> I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

>

> Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

>

> Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

>

> I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only more

insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was re-evaluating my

friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I wished her the best

things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

>

> The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet up

in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> -----------------------

> Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

>

> We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely spoken

in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with you. It

was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was initally

peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which honestly

was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

>

> I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but I

have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

>

> I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to talk

with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things to

you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable or

their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> ------------------

> I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks everyone for your input- I appreciate hearing that this also sounds crazy

to you. I have decided not to respond to the email for many of the reasons

you've mentioned- I don't want to sink to her level, I don't want to put it in

writing, it doesn't concern her and I don't want to prolong her involvement.

It's unfortunate that her involvement has caused one more friend to go by the

wayside but whoever said with friends like these, who needs enemies, is so

right! Thank god I got on the iphone craze and got a little distracted from all

this. I spent just enough time waiting in line for my anger to subside and

forget about this. Thanks!!

> >

> > I apologize for all the recent new topics but I am in SHOCK and had to post

about this.

> >

> > I had one group of friends in grad school- Anjali, Iram, and Meenal, who

weren't my core group of friends. I enjoyed my time with them but honestly most

people at school didn't get along with them so I didn't interact with them often

socially.

> >

> > Meenal and I had several falling outs that ended with a massive fight during

our last year. I'm not happy with everything I said to her but the fight was

definitely necessary. She was a racist selfish person and our final fight was

because she wouldn't pay me back hundreds of dollars and called me selfish

because I was demanding back my money.

> >

> > Iram and I have had many falling outs in grad school that all involved her

being an extremely negative person and acting very similar to my nada- my

therapist thinks she has tons of bpd traits and that our relationship is

unhealthy. My final straw with Iram was when I told her I was planning to go NC

with my nada she said I was making a huge mistake. She was speaking from her own

experience that was very unlike mine and I felt like I had to " convince " her

that I was abused. Also, when I told her I wanted to go on antidepressants she

vehemently told me she disagreed and didn't think I was depressed. I was venting

about this to my college friends and they asked, " why are you still friends with

her? " When I re-evaluated our relationship I realized that it was very one-sided

and that Iram was extremely negative and unsupportive.

> >

> > I tried to cut her out by not responding to calls/texts but she was only

more insistent. I finally sent her a short brief email saying I was

re-evaluating my friendships and I felt that ours was too negative. I said I

wished her the best things in life but could not be her friend anymore.

> >

> > The email I got in response to this was from Anjali, a mutual friend:

> > Anjali and I had a *minor falling out in Aug 2009: we were supposed to meet

up in the city and she was free but insisted on running errands instead- so she

wanted me to wait 6hrs for her to go to the gym etc and I said no. She noticed

on fb that I went out and now says that I ditched her.

> > -----------------------

> > Here is most of her email to me (keep in mind we haven't spoken in almost a

full year):

> > So i'm sure you probably know I've spoken to Iram since you sent her that

email telling her you no longer want her in your life. Usuallly I woudln't get

involved in these things, but Iram is a good friend of mine and called me really

upset after you sent her that email. She was just so upset and startled by your

email, especially since you had so recently sent her a card telling her how much

your friendship meant to her.

> >

> > We have a long history, which is why i'm writing this. we have barely

spoken in the past year and honestly i was ready to let sleeping dogs lie with

you. It was both your faults for not getting in touch with each other. I was

initally peeved because i thought you got drunk and cancelled our plans, which

honestly was not a big deal, but you didn't bother calling then or anytime soon

thereafter. Basically I didn't really care because I had other friends who

seemed more invested in my friendship with them, and what happened between us

indicated to me you were not someone on whom i could count. I by no means think

I'm a saint and I've definitely made mistakes in my friendship, but the above is

how I see things.

> >

> > I dont' want to get too involved in what happened between you and Iram, but

I have ot say something, which is this: Iram more than anyone else has defended

you til the end to other people that have had issues with you, that includes

Meenal. She has consistently stuck up for you and been a true friend you and

quiet honestly we can never have enough of those. I' not sure what path you

went down to determine she was detrimental to you well being, but i find the

email you sent her to have been appalling. She did everything for you and you

owed her more than that... but its your decision how you treat people and there

are consequences to those actions.

> >

> > I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'll be more than happy to

talk with you or even meet you if you want, but I really had to say those things

to you. I'm really sick of all the childish BS. My friends are not disposable

or their for my convinience. We all make mistakes and aren't perfect. Anyways,

that's what I had to say...

> > ------------------

> > I am just in complete SHOCK. Anjali doesn't know anything about my family,

about the fact that we're now NC, that I've been going through so much. This was

a very personal decision and I understand that Iram is very hurt but it has

nothing to do with Anjali. I've talked to a couple close friends and they feel I

should be the bigger person and not reply to the email. I'm tempted to send a

short email back to set the record straight but I dont know if that's the best

decision....Please let me know what you think!

> >

> >

> >

>