Re: trying to create inner peace before we leave for the Emerald City

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're facing this choice. I know how hard it can be. You want to be a

nice person and do the " right " thing. You want to be strong and face life's

adversities. But it's about as easy as hugging a porcupine. You get jabbed and

stabbed for your loving actions.

My nada lives nearby. She's older, 81, and lives alone now that my Dad has died.

On the one hand I feel sorry for her because she has no friends (due to her

critical nature). She is getting more frail and needs help. She could hire

people to help clean the house, take her on errands and work in her yard. But

that hasn't worked out so well since her past experience has been bad. The lawn

guy literally ripped her off - took a lot of my Dad's tools in the garage.

Another guy was going to do work, she gave him money up front and that was the

last she saw of him.

Anyway, my husband and I go over and help her instead. I know it's a decent

thing to do but the only way I survive is to separate myself from her

emotionally as much as possible and treat her like a cranky neighbor. Sometimes

she still zings me with her behavior or comments but for the most part, I don't

even think of her as a relative. She's just an old lady that needs a helping

hand.

I don't know if that will help you at all but that's just how I get through my

visits with her. And try to remember, there's no way to reason with her, talk

her out of her opinions. She's living in a different reality.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be fine. If you're not up for a visit, even a

short one, that's OK. Perhaps another time (or not). You have to feel ready for

the battle. Take care.

irene

> But in my mind I had so closely planned to be the daughter who could

> see nada. We are after all, going all the way across country, and to

> not see her seemed so petty to me (and I hate being petty) that I

> became attached to this plan to see her. so I am being as kind as

> possible so that a visit make SENSE.

[Guest guest]

,

There's no reason to be ashamed of expressing these feelings. Is

it not wanting to see her that you feel ashamed of or is it

hoping that she'll somehow be different that you feel ashamed

of? Not wanting to see someone who is abusive towards you is not

wrong. Hoping that she'll be different is not realistic, but it

is entirely understandable. Hoping is what humans do.

If you decide not to see her during your trip, that's not being

petty. Protecting yourself from abuse is not petty. The things

she's done to you over the years are NOT minor slights.

Individually, they may be small, but a constant barrage of small

abuses can be very damaging, like drops of water that add up to

a river that eventually gouges a deep canyon into the land.

Whatever you decide, it is your right to do as you choose and to

tell her or not tell her about it as you like.

At 11:29 PM 06/22/2010 S. wrote:

>We leave next week, and after my conversation last Friday about

>the

>photos of my son, I had told my husband I would not answer any

>more

>calls from nada until we were off to the airport.

>

>I am ashamed today to say that I decided to take a phone call

>today,

>out of curiosity. Private caller can, after all, be one of my

>son's

>friend's mom's #. I didn't want to be weak and pretend I was

>not at

>home. And I thought I was at peace, and I had connected so

>wonderfully with two friends by phone that I thought I could

> " handle "

>nada, if it were her. I am still waiting for the best way to

>tell her

>we are planning to visit. But each time she calls, I feel so

>deceitful

>at not talking about this big elephant in my life, when all of

>my

>thoughts are around next week's travel plans and the fact that

>I only

>plan to allow one day to visit with nada, out of our whole two

>week

>itinerary.

>

>It feels pretty deceitful right now, to not talk about our

>plans to

>travel near their home, and yet, I find myself most unwilling

>to

>volunteer the information when my nada is just lighting into me

>each

>time she calls. It is not quite abusive talk, but it is blaming

>and

>belittling and fault-finding, and I really don't feel that

>talking

>about our upcoming visit, has any logical spot to be discussed

>in the

>conversation. Her belittling is really petty stuff, that

>certainly

>does not match my present reality for my life.. if only I could

>simply

>ignore it. Or if only the person she were directing her

>mean-spirit

>towards were not me. Then I could listen and talk her out of

>it. But

>because it is me she is talking about, I get angry and want to

>hang up

>the phone on her. I can't talk someone out of their poor

>opinion of

>ME as I am not willing to take what she is saying about me

>even

>remotely serious.

>

>

>But in my mind I had so closely planned to be the daughter who

>could

>see nada. We are after all, going all the way across

>country, and to

>not see her seemed so petty to me (and I hate being petty) that

>I

>became attached to this plan to see her. so I am being as kind

>as

>possible so that a visit make SENSE. Because reality is

>knocking

>closely at my door now, I have to admit she is acting so

>shitty that

>I find that I don't want to see her. Now I am in a Catch-22...

>really

>not wanting to see the person my mom has become, but still

>wondering

>if my showing up will bring back the mom I know she can be.

>Crazy I

>know. And I feel ashamed for expressing this.

>

>Really, I am strong but I am conflicted. I might be

>over-thinking this

>because I don't want to face the grief I am starting to see

>poking out

>at me, as I sit on this old-hair sofa, like old

>springs popping out

>all over. I think those old springs are telling me that the

>furnishings in the home I share with nada in my mind, are

>long

>defunct. What is odd is that she is blaming me for their state

>of

>disrepair.

>

>I am confused, even as earlier today I was telling a friend

>that I

>felt centered and would be easy about not seeing my nada. Of

>course,

>the phone call is here to remind me that under the apparent

>peace, is

>frustration. And beneath the frustration is grief, which is

>always

>inconvenient, and also very private. But I had to share it

>hear

>anyways. Thanks for listening.

>

>Best,

>

>