trying to create inner peace before we leave for the Emerald City

[Guest guest]

We leave next week, and after my conversation last Friday about the

photos of my son, I had told my husband I would not answer any more

calls from nada until we were off to the airport.

I am ashamed today to say that I decided to take a phone call today,

out of curiosity. Private caller can, after all, be one of my son's

friend's mom's #. I didn't want to be weak and pretend I was not at

home. And I thought I was at peace, and I had connected so

wonderfully with two friends by phone that I thought I could " handle "

nada, if it were her. I am still waiting for the best way to tell her

we are planning to visit. But each time she calls, I feel so deceitful

at not talking about this big elephant in my life, when all of my

thoughts are around next week's travel plans and the fact that I only

plan to allow one day to visit with nada, out of our whole two week

itinerary.

It feels pretty deceitful right now, to not talk about our plans to

travel near their home, and yet, I find myself most unwilling to

volunteer the information when my nada is just lighting into me each

time she calls. It is not quite abusive talk, but it is blaming and

belittling and fault-finding, and I really don't feel that talking

about our upcoming visit, has any logical spot to be discussed in the

conversation. Her belittling is really petty stuff, that certainly

does not match my present reality for my life.. if only I could simply

ignore it. Or if only the person she were directing her mean-spirit

towards were not me. Then I could listen and talk her out of it. But

because it is me she is talking about, I get angry and want to hang up

the phone on her. I can't talk someone out of their poor opinion of

ME as I am not willing to take what she is saying about me even

remotely serious.

But in my mind I had so closely planned to be the daughter who could

see nada. We are after all, going all the way across country, and to

not see her seemed so petty to me (and I hate being petty) that I

became attached to this plan to see her. so I am being as kind as

possible so that a visit make SENSE. Because reality is knocking

closely at my door now, I have to admit she is acting so shitty that

I find that I don't want to see her. Now I am in a Catch-22... really

not wanting to see the person my mom has become, but still wondering

if my showing up will bring back the mom I know she can be. Crazy I

know. And I feel ashamed for expressing this.

Really, I am strong but I am conflicted. I might be over-thinking this

because I don't want to face the grief I am starting to see poking out

at me, as I sit on this old-hair sofa, like old springs popping out

all over. I think those old springs are telling me that the

furnishings in the home I share with nada in my mind, are long

defunct. What is odd is that she is blaming me for their state of

disrepair.

I am confused, even as earlier today I was telling a friend that I

felt centered and would be easy about not seeing my nada. Of course,

the phone call is here to remind me that under the apparent peace, is

frustration. And beneath the frustration is grief, which is always

inconvenient, and also very private. But I had to share it hear

anyways. Thanks for listening.

Best,