Re: has this affected your ability to have a home?

[Guest guest]

I think it affects people in different ways.

For me, it affected my fertility. I was terrified of turning into my mother.

Even though I wanted children, it took me 10 years to have them. Lots of therapy

too.

It also affected my sense of security. Which I think for you, you went the

opposite way. I hoarded food. Sales would happen and I'd be stocking up on

canned goods, toilet paper.... whatever. My mother was " disaster obsessed " ,

always saying that we were going to destroy the planet, and we should all move

to the middle of nowhere, and have lots of food and extra water on hand in case

of emergencies.

It's only been within the last few years that I have been able to stop myself

from going nutso during sales.

I also would hang onto everything that my parents ever gave me. It's only

recently that I went " what the FUCK have they given me? besides heartache and

pain " , so I've been " purging " . I sold a LOT of valuable stuff at a recent yard

sale. Very liberating.

>

> I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

>

[Guest guest]

I have been saying recently that I don't have the ability to " make a house into

a home " . never have. I think in part, I have always been so judged by my parents

when they come to my house. I can have everything perfect (doesn't happen often)

but she can come in and find something to pick on me about. I also know that she

goes into people's homes and rumage thru stuff so if things are orderly and

organized she might be able to rumage better?

who knows. My aunt leaves the key to her house hidden outside and of course we

all know where it is and my aunt has come home and found things gone thru...mail

out of order, things not where she left them then my mom will tell her that she

stopped in and used her bathroom.

I am right now in the process of trying to create a home for myself. It's been

years since I have been in a relationship - I felt my life was too nuts to

invite someone into - mostly because of my parents...but will my recent T

helping me to see her behavior as BPD, and will this list and other readings, I

am seeing it's not me so much and I can change my life. So I am.

Do you have a T? I can't imagine living as uncomfortably as you are. Why do you

have it set up that you have to have increased contact with them for water?

Maybe it's time to care about yourself. I have been saying lately that it's time

for me to have a decent life before there is not time left for that. I am

mid-50's. my parents are 80. what if they live till 95? I will be 70 myself by

then. When is it time for me to have a life? something to think about while you

are still young enough to change. Best of luck. I hate that you are living in

such a difficult circumstance esp by your own desire. We do deserve to have nice

things and what we want. NOT what they have given to us. (I would only own

dollar store mugs if I kept what she gave me. I usually give most of what I get

for christmas to goodwill the next day. I am consciously purging as well. her

issues have rubbed off on me as well and I am changing that.)

[Guest guest]

You are not alone in this .If I had more time tonight i'd tell you all about

it.It took years for me to fully adjust and make a real home, but I'm glad I did

..Looking back it was not as hard as it seemed at the time and it helped me more

than I have time to say.

marion

> >

> > I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds to me like you are most comfortable in conditions that allow you to

flee at a moment's notice.

What are you fleeing from?

Find that, and face it, and maybe you will finally be able to put down roots.

Tina

>

> I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

>

[Guest guest]

I've had roots for three years in our current home, it's huge, beautiful and in

a safe neighborhood. I have so much crap it will never be a warm, welcoming

place (although I'm working on that) and whew! Did I mention three years?

Yeah...starting to sweat it and I'm looking for any excuse to move. An

apartment sounds the best because I'd HAVE to get rid of everything.

I envy you your position because you have the freedom to travel, but it doesn't

sound like you feel good about it.

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having weirdness about being

planted and feeling safe knowing that you can leave in a moment's notice. I

hope you can figure out what could be causing you anxiety.

>

> I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

>

[Guest guest]

I wish I could travel but I have always had a bunch of animals and that makes it

cost prohibitive because of kenneling. I have been here 7 years, so I am not

convinced anymore it's freedom to leave, it's more freedom from the misery that

I grew up in. It could last 20 years and as long as I could tell myself that it

wasn't my 'real life' (a mental state of denial I have that takes too long to

explain) then I would be fine. I don't know.

> >

> > I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know what I am fleeing from, it's sickness and insanity of growing up around

personality disordered parents and some sexual abuse thrown in for good measure.

I have done quite a bit of work but as far as this aversion to domesticity it

just won't budge. I am starting to feel there might be a little fear of death

stuff thrown in.

> >

> > I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

phine, are you living in your parents' back yard? It's one thing to say you

don't have photo albums (neither do I), but it seems like another thing to say

you're living at your parents' house. That doesn't sound like a good situation

at all!

Deanna

> > >

> > > I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from

putting down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my

fear of having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear phine:

I was so touched by your post and this is the first chance I've had to respond

to it. I so identify with the running, the hiding, the not having a permanent

home but unlike you, I've always been really clear about why I lived this way.

Nada and fada constantly poo-poohed when I wanted to buy a home. I didn't

understand WHY until I was much older, but when I was 19 and had saved a

downpayment, due to the hard work and frugality they impressed me with, they

revolted and threw a fit that I might buy property or a home. Of course, this

would threaten THEIR turf. It might give me some power and autonomy. Also, they

might have to " help out " and that would never do. Attention only went one way,

from me to them, so anything that might divert the flow back the other way was

to be stamped out.

Lying underneath, in my own mind was a fear of being invaded if I had a nice

home. I finally moved many thousands of miles away. I even switched countries! I

now rent a little guest house and look forward to the day when I actually buy a

little home for myself. I am stil " on the run. " I operate my internet business

under a DBA (which means my name is changed for business purposes) and I'm

fanatic about not leaving traces of how I can be found. Now that I've been NC

for six years, my fears are gradually receding, I'm working with a therapist

and finding this WTO group really made a HUGE difference in my outlook.

phine, I woder if you have ever considered going to a therapist to find out

why you live like such a spartan since, in their forties, most people need a

little more comfort in their living situations like a good bed and possessions

around. At 53, I'm in the siutation where I'm thinking more about pictures from

the past, that sort of thing, and I'm trying to recreate an album to bless and

honor that frightened, hunted girl (mtself) who survived an horrific childhood.

(I call it my own personal holocaust.) In addition, when i was 38 I set up a

successful business and was " hunted " out of it by my borderline family

criticizing and haranguing me at every turn. I was too weak and damaged to laugh

in their faces. I folded the business and that's when I moved away, going NC a

few years later. Now I am pursuing the same business under a different name, in

a faraway place and guess what? Success has smiled on me again. No, I'm not a

millionaire, smoking hundred dollar bills, but people know my " assumed name, "

and I won an award for quality, over stiff competition. I am so very happy about

this, and WILL NEVER let family close enough to affect my business again.

Well, I'll stop here. But finally what I have to say is that as borderline

" survivors " we have skills to perservere that other people only read about. We

can endure harsh conditions and keep going when the going is tough. If we can

form a dream, and apply the resiliance and patience we learned as children in

OZ, the real world will reward us and let us achieve our dream.

Respectfully offered,

AwayFromBorderland

> >

> > I wonder if I am the only one like this. I have been in flight from putting

down roots my entire life. I have lately been trying to work through my fear of

having an actual place of my own. I have a fear of even saving up a down

payment. I literally have a phobia of accumulating money in a savings account. I

try to focus on it and it's like I have this morbid fear that any step toward

having a place of my own and *it* (whatever from childhood) will " get me " . I

have almost no furniture. No knicknacks of any kind. I have never kept photo

albums except of my animals. I suspect there is trauma there that I haven't

unearthed yet because this is a pretty severe aspect. But I just can't get

within yards of anything domestic. I want, and need to attach myself to the

earth in some kind of permanent way, I am almost 42. But over the years I have

lived in the most spartan conditions. In trailers, renting rooms, in people's

hallways sleeping on day beds, on couches, whatever. I can fit all my

possessions in the back of a pickup truck. I have ridiculous resistance to doing

what normal people my age did years ago, having a real " home " . Not just a place

you stay, but a real home, even if it's just rented, with your stuff here and

there and it looks like you live there. The common aspect of where I have lived

over the years is that it was always inadequate and impermanent and I couldn't

feel 'at home' there. I am more comfortable with not being able to feel 'at

home' for some reason the thought of feeling 'at home' brings up serious anxiety

for me when I think about this and picture myself in a 'home' of my own with my

possessions around and staying there for an indefinite period of time. I've been

here seven years but this is just a shack with no running water so I have to go

in and out of my parents house to shower/etc, and there is no air conditioning

and it is very cold in the winter because I only have a space heater. But these

kind of conditions are my 'safe zone'. Anything actually adequate gives me

extreme discomfort to think about. I guess why I am bringing it up is because

it's more than 'discomfort' it's I feel I am incapable of getting past it and I

feel stunted by my inability to provide a home for myself. Everything in my life

seems to insure that I am making sure I never have one. I don't understand it,

except for the craziness and sickness I grew up in, in a 'typical american

family home'.

> >

>