Elderly mother with BPD symptoms

June 20, 2010

Hello all. I'm new here and want to share my struggles. My mom is 70 and has

almost completely isolated herself in her home as she feels that her neighbours

hate her. She has had decent interactions in the past, however there have been

some minor misunderstandings and now she's convinced they talk about her all the

time. That's just the recent fixation. If it's not one thing it's another.

She constantly ruminates about every little thing, is very hypersensitive, very

depressed, talks non stop, can't focus on one topic and most of all, clings to

me, her only child (no other family or friends) and feels that it's appropriate

to vent constantly (including yelling, raging, blaming, accusing and sometimes

hitting). Most everything is my dead father's fault and sometimes she likes to

remind me that I'm just like him when I sit calmly and listen to her problems.

She says she wants help, but thwarts all suggestions. She says she wants

support, but treats me poorly, guilts me into visiting her when she feels

isolated because she can't leave the house because the neighbours will see her

and...I'm not sure how this stops her from going about her business! etc

etc...She seems to want to complain but doesn't try to change it.

I don't live with her, but I feel like she's controlling my life, and to a

degree she's successful. Recently, I made an error in judgment that can never be

rectified because it has caused a neighbour to distance themselves over a

trivial matter. Now she feels completely isolated, and it's all my fault. This

is what she will be focussing on for the following months. And I'd like to

stress, she does NOT function anymore. She can still grocery shop, but tells

anyone who'll listen her life story, and she can barely make it to doctor's

appointments. The rest of the time she ruminates, and views all of her issues at

once, which is not manageable for anyone.

I'm finally receiving counselling and it's pretty disconcerting when your

counsellor says that I've tried everything and the only thing left is to set

firm boundaries. I will try, however these boundaries will have consequences and

I am truly never heard or respected. I am waiting for her reaction to our phone

conversation from today when she hung up on me, which means that I am in severe

trouble. She even had her sister call me from Europe to likely convince me to

run to her side, as she was in crisis today - I chose not to because she was

screaming and accusing me of ruining her life on purpose (attempted to set a

boundary). It could go in any direction...it's the unpredictibility that evokes

the greatest fear.

So much for a relaxing weekend...is this a familiar experience?

June 21, 2010

Your mother (or nada as we call them) is typical in many ways of the 'waif' and

'witch'. Others here can also tell you that BPD's function as waifs, witches or

queens. Sometimes they are all three in one nada and sometimes they function

only as waif or just the witch or just the queen.

The waif wants your total attention like a child - can't function on her own -

can't make decisions - wants someone else to be responsible (in this case YOU)

and when you do, of course the witch comes out and nothing suits and nothing you

do is good enough. You could give your nada your last ounce of blood to 'save

her' and it wouldn't be good enough. She would demand more and even then that

wouldn't satisfy her. There is a lot to it, but you should read up on waifs,

witches and queens. It isn't you, sweetie, and don't think it is. You are a

victim of her just as we are all victims of our nadas until we choose to stand

up for ourselves which is not easy as we were programmed from a very early age

to feel responsible for them even though we were children ourselves. We, at

times were the mother of THEM. It helps to realize they are functioning at the

age of a two year old emotionally a lot of the time and all a two year old knows

is " I want " and " I will have a hissy fit if you don't give me what I want' or a

tantrum or whatever you call it. Liken it to a 2 year old in a store who wants

a toy or that candy which their mother won't give them. What do they do?

Scream, cry and act out. Nada-like. Fortunately children outgrow that behavior

if they're normal and nadas as mentally ill so they never outgrow that.

The witch is mean, verbally abusive and/or physically abusive. She is full of

recriminations and lies. She is manipulative. You can do nothing right - you

are stupid - you are at fault - you are just like your father - you are nasty -

whatever she wants to use to get what she wants. Control is her mainstay as it

is with all BPD's regardless in what mode they are functioning.

The Queen demands attention - demands center stage. She is PERFECT and has

never done anything wrong. The rest of the world is wrong but she isn't.

As for the neighbor problem, we all make mistakes, sweetie. Forgive yourself

and let it go. You can't fix it or at least it sounds like that to me, but not

knowing the situation, I am suggesting you forgive yourself and let go of it if

there is nothing you can do. Your nada would burn her bridges with anyone who

gets too close to her anyway as most BPD's do. Sooner or later they show their

true colors and no one can stand them.

As fine a tight rope as it is, you have to walk that line and do what is right

for YOU. She will scream, accuse, argue, lie and do just about anything else

she can think of to get what she wants from you, but in the end know that it is

never enough and you have a right to live YOUR life the way YOU see fit. She

made her choices. You have a right to make yours. The best of luck asnd know

we are all here together here and we all understand.

June 21, 2010

nice summary!!! you hit every nail on the head.

>

> Your mother (or nada as we call them) is typical in many ways of the 'waif'

and 'witch'. Others here can also tell you that BPD's function as waifs,

witches or queens. Sometimes they are all three in one nada and sometimes they

function only as waif or just the witch or just the queen.

>

> The waif wants your total attention like a child - can't function on her own -