guilt and fog and rapid-fire black paintballs

[Guest guest]

Some of you may know that our family has planned a trip in a few

weeks' time to their area. Fearing to make a mistake or spoil our trip

altogether, I'd decided not to tell my folks about our trip until we

arrived in the area where they lived. I wanted to know where I stood

before including them. Well this past few weeks, I've made the plans

that include other folks and was trying to ascertain when exactly the

time for visiting my parents would best suit our schedule, and least

disturb our vacation if it went poorly.

Most of mine and nada's conversations this past year have been almost

unremittingly hurtful of me. She's made it clear that from her point

of view, I am a very bad daughter, and cannot redeem myself with her

(kind of a relief actually!), so I've not initiated but two

conversations with her since February (Easter and Mother's Day). All

the things she is bringing up that are evidence against me are things

from long past.. even my teen years. I think all I am guilty of has

been speaking up for myself and letting her know that I am strong and

don't deserve to be used as a garbage can. She withholds love from me

today, based on things she continues to drag up from the past. And my

ignoring it, or detaching from it, has not helped her to decide to

change her behavior.

So, I am practicing being an adult who does not need a mommy.OK, I am

grand waffler, but I have been a quiet waffler. I HAD BEEN mighty

concerned about the best way to let my folks know about the fact that

we are visiting their state, make BOTH my nada and dad feel included

in our plans, but not have our plans revolve completely around them.

I guess it is time to disclose how my dreams always have rainbows of

hope in them, how I always try again, even after deciding I will " give

up. " After several months of rare contact.... Father's Day especially

beckoned as a time to see if I could get in nada's good graces in time

for the visit. (Gee, I had felt the peace of giving up, until I got

hooked by my memories of Father's Day's past... .. usually my nada

will make an opportunity for my dad and I to talk I thought I might

be able to tell him about our upcoming visit... too bad I am as

conflicted about how to let my parents know we are visiting....)

I started crabwalking around just this past week, spontaneously making

phone calls to test the waters, but refrain from disclosing our

plans. Tonight, just days before Father's Day, wanting them to know I

was willing for contact, I tried being spontaneous, " acting as if "

what I had to share with my PARENTS would be received in the spirit in

which it was offered.

My nada had said awhile back that she wanted photos... I thought I

had the perfect reason to call, when wonderful teachers at a sports

camp (the only one my child will attend this summer) took photos today

of the kids as a surprise. They shared a private access website with

us, so we could have photos to share with family electronically. I

thought for sure that dad would want photos of his grandkids, so I

left a message telling my parents I could share the website address.

Just call me back. My dad is the one who mostly uses the computer,

and my nada is leery of giving him my email address, this seemed like

the perfect thing, and--- no children's last names were even on the

photos. (Just after I left the message, I also discovered that if I

had an email address I could by-pass giving them the web address, if

only my my dad would give us his email addy. Wishful thinking

.)

My mom called me right back tonight and, without asking questions,

lashed out at me. She IMMEDIATELY chewed me out, making derisive

comments about my poor judgement in posting our son's photos on the

web (which I hadn't done ) ... and was railing on me non-stop like a

machine gun. She'd jumped to erroneous conclusions; I could not

defend myself, she did not let me get in a word edgewise... as she

raged in a tirade about how stupid I was and how wrong I was... etc

etc...they wanted no part in this. I was angry, at being so

misperceived by someone so stupidly bent on belittling me; she hung up

before ever hearing my side.

I am about to conclude I really don't care to include my parents in

our vacation plans, because I cannot stand the way my nada is treating

me and I don't want to reward her by suddenly telling her we are

coming to visit and would love to see her. Wouldn't that sound false?

Especially since this last call has me convinced that she does not

want to see any good intentions on my part. I can't reward that with

a visit, can I?

It continues to irk me that she is deliberately painting me all-

black. I used to clear this stuff up by communicating in writing. I

am kind, positive and assertive in letters, and I know she once

appreciated this. Because she does not want me to write her any more,

I am completely powerless. On the phone she seems to no longer listen

(she did at one time) and I suspect she is trying to make me look bad

in front of my (passive) dad.

Why am I allowing myself to stay caught up in the energy of trying

to tame nada again, all of a sudden? We expect to arrive in the

Northwest in just three weeks time. Maybe in the next conversation

the Seattle skies will turn blue and the sun will come out so I can

just tell nada during her one receptive moment that we are coming to

visit and would like to have a nice visit with them. Ah, follow the

yellow brick road....

I just want her to understand that I am a beautiful, careful and hard-

working daughter, but all she wants to do in each of these phone calls

is tell me that whatever I do is wrong. Though I am careful not to

rage at my mom, my anger at the way I am being portrayed right now

really makes me feel like I do not have the emotional mastery, nor the

interest in seeing my mom, now!!!

This has all been crazy making and I am crazy with being painted a

different color than I believe myself to be. I have to admit with

great humility, that I have had a relapse. Justified anger is indeed a

flame that roars out of control.

I guess I have to really accept how powerless I am here, and that I

must refrain from re-acting . I must somehow, some way give up caring

about this visit and take my weight off my expectations to include

her and my dad in our plans. I need to stop trying the same thing

(having HOPE) and expecting different results. I

I just have to be more completely willing to GIVE UP all hope of a

better future and let nada have her self-made view of the past that

blames me for all her unhappiness. I need to give up the last of my

guilt about the very real possibility that I won't have a visit with

my folks, and just allow my nada to believe that I was not worth

raising and I am an ungrateful daughter.

I can and must let go and let God take care of this. First, I can

choose to not pick up the phone to try to fix (again, fruitlessly) my

mom's perception of me. And let the guilt about not seeing my DAD,

not get the best of me.

(It is my dad that I will most miss seeing, and making eye contact

with, and telling him that I appreciate what he did for us in keeping

our family together. I've already told him my frustrations with the

situation, so no point in dwelling on that. So rarely do I get to talk

to my dad that I don't even know the " right " way to ask to talk to

him. I've actually been afraid my nada would be jealous if I ask to

talk to him, even though nada gets much more than her share of time

with me, and it has all been so private that I only talk to her on

speaker phone. Can't handle the sound of her voice IN my head, if you

know what I mean. She's so intrusive and so mean spirited this past

year. )

, who is most certainly not victorious right now.

" Your vision will become clear, only when you can look into your own

heart. " Carl Jung