Guest guest Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 Hey Everyone, It has been a long long time since I posted on here, but I could use a little bit of advice/support. Not sure if any of you remember, but I had a big falling out with my parents probably about 3.5 years ago. This group really helped me get through it, and everybody was in agreement my mom, and potentially my dad had BPD. I went about a 1.5 years without talking with them. They do not like my wife, and they tried to break up my marriage multiple times. However, about a 1.5 years ago, we regained contact with them, and tried to " move on " from everything. My wife and I were pregnant and we wanted to try and have them be apart of our babies life. With the baby, things changed dramatically, and they were " better " . They were nice to my wife, thoughtful of me, and everything seems to be going well. There are a couple of things that strike me as weird however. 1) My parents never ask to see our son. I am not sure if this is them being careful as to not pressure us into having to see them, or if they just don't care about seeing their grandchild. I am sure if they were pressuring me to see them, then I would be complaining about that, but it just seems weird to me that they do not ask more about getting together. We see them probably about 1 time a month as it is right now. (we live 45 minutes apart). 2) They never buy anything for our son. My wives parents are always buying little toys and clothes gifts for him whenever we do see them. Now they do not have much money, now my parents who do have money, have only bought a couple outfits in the 9 months we have had our son. My parents have bought random gifts for me (a cell phone), but I would think they would want to be buying stuff for their grandchild? This is just a side note that i wanted to get some peoples input on, now onto the real reason for this post. My parents have always dropped hints since the birth of our son that they would like to babysit for us if we need. We really have not had many people watch him in the 9 months (my wives parents have watched him maybe 3 times, and our neighbors/friends 2 times), and we usually hide that from my parents so that they do not get jealous. Well we have 2 weddings this weekend, and i was telling my mom that my wives parents are watching him one night, and our friends the other. I could tell that she was disappointed that she was not asked, so I told her " don't worry mom, you will get your chance " . She responded with, " I hope so, whenever you guys are able to trust us " . So i just said " it isn't a matter of trust, it just logically has not made sense " . She then told me she did not mean to pressure me, that just whenever we are ready they would love to watch him. Now i do not know if i should read into her statements about the " trust " thing. In the past this was how they would kind of manipulate their way into getting what they want. Drop hints like this, but I am hoping things have changed and we can let them watch our son. Here is the problem. Before our son was born, my wife and I agreed that we would wait till he was at least 1 years old before we considered letting my parents babysit. Now we are coming up to that point, so we will be discussing this option. My question is, is it weird that my parents have not babysat at this point? They live fairly close, 45 minutes? But then part of me thinks, if they do not really make an effort to see them, then perhaps it isn't wrong. And second question, can we trust them? My wife worries that they will tell our son negative things about us, since that is what they did to our family memebers when we were arguing. And my response was, that if they did, and we found out about it, that would be the end of them watching our kid. So, long story short, is it weird that they havent watched our son? And should we feel safe to let them do it, or should we keep stalling and not allow them? I just feel extremely guilty not letting them have the same opportunities that my wives parents have. Sorry for the long post, and if you are still reading, i appreciate it. Thanks, Tony Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 Hmmm. If I were hiring a sitter or nanny for non-verbal baby, I'd watch very carefully to be sure the interaction was appropriate (eye contact, talking, holding, responding to crying) - and until a child is old enough to tell me if something's wrong, I'd be extremely hesitant to leave my kid with somebody I didn't trust completely. Based on that, I'd say you're right to want to wait. But if you want to kindle a better relationship between your son and your parents, how about setting up some opportunities for them to " audition " for the job? " Mom, we've got XXXXXX activity coming up, and we're both going to be very busy at home getting ready. I wonder if you'd mind coming over and keeping the baby company while we (paint the bedroom, clean out the garage, get ready for a rummage sale)? " This way, you are THERE and you can watch the interaction, but it's clear that Grandma is in charge of the baby. If you're not satisfied with what you see, then don't go off and leave the baby with her. And if you're really dissatisfied, you can cut the audition short - just tell your mother (or father) that you've finished the work and can take over now, thanks. > > Hey Everyone, > It has been a long long time since I posted on here, but I could use a little bit of advice/support. Not sure if any of you remember, but I had a big falling out with my parents probably about 3.5 years ago. This group really helped me get through it, and everybody was in agreement my mom, and potentially my dad had BPD. I went about a 1.5 years without talking with them. They do not like my wife, and they tried to break up my marriage multiple times. > > However, about a 1.5 years ago, we regained contact with them, and tried to " move on " from everything. My wife and I were pregnant and we wanted to try and have them be apart of our babies life. With the baby, things changed dramatically, and they were " better " . They were nice to my wife, thoughtful of me, and everything seems to be going well. > > There are a couple of things that strike me as weird however. 1) My parents never ask to see our son. I am not sure if this is them being careful as to not pressure us into having to see them, or if they just don't care about seeing their grandchild. I am sure if they were pressuring me to see them, then I would be complaining about that, but it just seems weird to me that they do not ask more about getting together. We see them probably about 1 time a month as it is right now. (we live 45 minutes apart). 2) They never buy anything for our son. My wives parents are always buying little toys and clothes gifts for him whenever we do see them. Now they do not have much money, now my parents who do have money, have only bought a couple outfits in the 9 months we have had our son. My parents have bought random gifts for me (a cell phone), but I would think they would want to be buying stuff for their grandchild? This is just a side note that i wanted to get some peoples input on, now onto the real reason for this post. > > My parents have always dropped hints since the birth of our son that they would like to babysit for us if we need. We really have not had many people watch him in the 9 months (my wives parents have watched him maybe 3 times, and our neighbors/friends 2 times), and we usually hide that from my parents so that they do not get jealous. Well we have 2 weddings this weekend, and i was telling my mom that my wives parents are watching him one night, and our friends the other. I could tell that she was disappointed that she was not asked, so I told her " don't worry mom, you will get your chance " . She responded with, " I hope so, whenever you guys are able to trust us " . So i just said " it isn't a matter of trust, it just logically has not made sense " . She then told me she did not mean to pressure me, that just whenever we are ready they would love to watch him. > > Now i do not know if i should read into her statements about the " trust " thing. In the past this was how they would kind of manipulate their way into getting what they want. Drop hints like this, but I am hoping things have changed and we can let them watch our son. > > Here is the problem. Before our son was born, my wife and I agreed that we would wait till he was at least 1 years old before we considered letting my parents babysit. Now we are coming up to that point, so we will be discussing this option. My question is, is it weird that my parents have not babysat at this point? They live fairly close, 45 minutes? But then part of me thinks, if they do not really make an effort to see them, then perhaps it isn't wrong. And second question, can we trust them? My wife worries that they will tell our son negative things about us, since that is what they did to our family memebers when we were arguing. And my response was, that if they did, and we found out about it, that would be the end of them watching our kid. > > So, long story short, is it weird that they havent watched our son? And should we feel safe to let them do it, or should we keep stalling and not allow them? I just feel extremely guilty not letting them have the same opportunities that my wives parents have. > > Sorry for the long post, and if you are still reading, i appreciate it. > Thanks, > Tony > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 Hi Tony, I will not give you advise on this because every situation is different. However, I will tell you that I never left either of my children alone with my mother. Living in a different state since my oldest was 2 had some part in this, but it would have been the same if we had been next door. I would never let anyone do to my children what she did to us. Never physically abusive, just mind screwing. She also always found a way to believe that kids were being sexually abused. I heard it about every child she got close to. Including my nephew. You know the answer for your child. Trust your instincts, it is up to you to protect your child. No one but you. It is not about keeping the peace in your family or soothing your parents feelings. That is all irrelevant when it comes to your kids. Good luck. If you choose to allow them to watch your little one, trust your decision and your instincts. That goes for all your decisions about your child. > > > > Hey Everyone, > > It has been a long long time since I posted on here, but I could use a little bit of advice/support. Not sure if any of you remember, but I had a big falling out with my parents probably about 3.5 years ago. This group really helped me get through it, and everybody was in agreement my mom, and potentially my dad had BPD. I went about a 1.5 years without talking with them. They do not like my wife, and they tried to break up my marriage multiple times. > > > > However, about a 1.5 years ago, we regained contact with them, and tried to " move on " from everything. My wife and I were pregnant and we wanted to try and have them be apart of our babies life. With the baby, things changed dramatically, and they were " better " . They were nice to my wife, thoughtful of me, and everything seems to be going well. > > > > There are a couple of things that strike me as weird however. 1) My parents never ask to see our son. I am not sure if this is them being careful as to not pressure us into having to see them, or if they just don't care about seeing their grandchild. I am sure if they were pressuring me to see them, then I would be complaining about that, but it just seems weird to me that they do not ask more about getting together. We see them probably about 1 time a month as it is right now. (we live 45 minutes apart). 2) They never buy anything for our son. My wives parents are always buying little toys and clothes gifts for him whenever we do see them. Now they do not have much money, now my parents who do have money, have only bought a couple outfits in the 9 months we have had our son. My parents have bought random gifts for me (a cell phone), but I would think they would want to be buying stuff for their grandchild? This is just a side note that i wanted to get some peoples input on, now onto the real reason for this post. > > > > My parents have always dropped hints since the birth of our son that they would like to babysit for us if we need. We really have not had many people watch him in the 9 months (my wives parents have watched him maybe 3 times, and our neighbors/friends 2 times), and we usually hide that from my parents so that they do not get jealous. Well we have 2 weddings this weekend, and i was telling my mom that my wives parents are watching him one night, and our friends the other. I could tell that she was disappointed that she was not asked, so I told her " don't worry mom, you will get your chance " . She responded with, " I hope so, whenever you guys are able to trust us " . So i just said " it isn't a matter of trust, it just logically has not made sense " . She then told me she did not mean to pressure me, that just whenever we are ready they would love to watch him. > > > > Now i do not know if i should read into her statements about the " trust " thing. In the past this was how they would kind of manipulate their way into getting what they want. Drop hints like this, but I am hoping things have changed and we can let them watch our son. > > > > Here is the problem. Before our son was born, my wife and I agreed that we would wait till he was at least 1 years old before we considered letting my parents babysit. Now we are coming up to that point, so we will be discussing this option. My question is, is it weird that my parents have not babysat at this point? They live fairly close, 45 minutes? But then part of me thinks, if they do not really make an effort to see them, then perhaps it isn't wrong. And second question, can we trust them? My wife worries that they will tell our son negative things about us, since that is what they did to our family memebers when we were arguing. And my response was, that if they did, and we found out about it, that would be the end of them watching our kid. > > > > So, long story short, is it weird that they havent watched our son? And should we feel safe to let them do it, or should we keep stalling and not allow them? I just feel extremely guilty not letting them have the same opportunities that my wives parents have. > > > > Sorry for the long post, and if you are still reading, i appreciate it. > > Thanks, > > Tony > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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