withholding

[Guest guest]

I am seeing for the first time in my life how much of what my mother does is not

'active' abuse, but withholding. I would like to hear some other people's

perspective on this, the ways in which their bpd mothers withhold from them or

did in the past. One thing I have noticed is if my mother is not pleased in some

way with me (usually because I have failed to caretake her emotions in some way

or be her lay therapist) she withholds eye contact, she won't look at me

directly by keeping her head turned away, she will not respond to me when I am

speaking to her. I have noticed that other times when someone else (say, my SIL)

asks her a question her tone of voice and responsiveness is very different. She

will answer questions I ask but in a very annoyed and indignant tone of voice,

when there was nothing wrong with my simple inquiry. Most of the time I feel

that she just does not like me. And she is not that way all the time, just with

me, mostly. I think I am both parents' least favorite child.

Does anyone else have a mother that withholds as least as much as she is

actively engaging in abuse? This is a weird category for me, because the result

of being ignored by her when I stepped out of line the least little bit

(sometimes without even being able to figure out what I had done) and being

ignored and worse by my dad I feel like a ghost. I feel invisible and like

people can't see me or hear me. For instance I remember my first twelve step

meeting and everyone went around the room and said " I'm so and so " and people

said " hi so and so " and I knew when they got to me and I introduced myself no

one would answer back. I still remember the jolt I got when I said my name and

everyone in the room said " hi " or " welcome " . It was such a relief to not be

invisible. I also think that I am so convinced people are ignoring me when they

are not that I overreact and go 'over-the-top' sometimes in my reactions,

because I am so convinced no one is paying attention. I have to really work to

keep my reactions appropriate sometimes.