Re: Here I am

[Guest guest]

Wow I remember that " ride " post so well. I love the part where you had the

realization about pushing your child to play with your mother. I love it

because you had an epiphany at that moment, and I have had similar stuff happen

when I realized that my mother's behavior was cruel and I was acting that way

too. So I was able to change. That's awesome!

Deanna

>

> Hi! Here I am! I joined Welcome to Oz several weeks ago to help me

> with my struggle with my current realtionship with my Non b/f. I had

> already somewhat figured out that I was led into this relationship to

> deal with my " issues " that I don't like to admit I have with my

> father from growing up with a BP mother. The main issue being (or

> seeming to be) that after growing up with a father who never stood up

> to or talked about what was going on with my BP mother - here I am

> with a b/f who has been divorced from his BP exwife for six years -

> but continues to let her run his life.. i.e. her needs come before

> mine... and we don't talk about " those things " or if I try - it

> usually isn't too effective.

>

> However, in writing today, I also discovered that in my struggle with

> my b/f - he has somewhat taken over roles of both my mother and

> father. My neediness angers him and he does my mother's thing of

> raging and shutting me out - and then my father's thing of pretending

> like nothing happened. It's like the whole damn drama in one person.

>

> I know I have things to work out with this relationship - but most of

> all things to work out from way before that - from childhood.

>

> After writing the following post I realized even more how much the

> present will not be resolved without dealing with the past. I knew

> that.. but I know it even more now.

>

> The other group is mostly concerned with present relationships with

> BP spouses and SOs. Though I have found them to be helpful - I was

> delighted to find this group, as I think it may help me discover more

> answers... as my present seems to be all tangled into my past, which

> is not an experience I find that many of them seem to share.

>

> So I copied the post - to share with you (and so I wouldn't have to

> repeat myself) and I hope to become an active part of this group.

>

> Post in Welcome to Oz: What about the Children?

>

> I guess that is an important factor in what do you do about how the

> BP affects your family. I think the answers would be very different

> when you are talking about children - not grown children - children

> children.

>

> I know I've read that some BPs can be good parents. Actually, my

> mother had many positive qualities. I have many happy childhood

> memories - Of course I do.. I hung onto the good in my mind and

> shoved the bad away. But there was alot of good.

>

> But what do you do about the children with the not-so-good? Or the

> downright bad? I do think children are affected by the BP no matter

> how happy their childhood is otherwise or how little they show it.

> Because children do take it all in - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

>

> So I guess my thoughts for those Non's with children is to remind

> them that your BP does not just affect YOU. It affects the children.

> I think that to let the children talk about it - and VALIDATE their

> reality could help SO much. I know for some reason I hid my hurt from

> my father as a child. Of course I did... I hid my hurt from myself.

> But for some reason (or no reason at all) I recieved the message " We

> don't talk about those things. They didn't happen. Or they weren't

> real. Or I should have dealt with them. Or something. But we don't

> talk about those things.

>

> I do think being able to express myself as a child.. my hurts.. my

> fears.. my confusion.. would have made a big difference in how I took

> in the experiences. I would encourage those with children to consider

> that strongly. The BP and his/her behavior WILL affect your children -

> however you can help lessen the negative impact by being open and

> honest with your children. By not shutting them out about the

> situation.

>

> My sisters and I all have such love for our father and look up to

> him. To be told " You remind me of my father " from me is a compliment

> in the highest degree. Yet, for some reason, we didn't talk with him

> about " those things. " It was mostly the way my father was. He was not

> very emotionally open. According to him, the way you deal with things

> is you go out and find something to distract yourself,(in his case -

> work) don't think about it and pretend it went away. Again, now I am

> involved in a relationship with a Non, who just like my father,

> thinks the way to deal with things is to shut them out. Just DON'T

> TALK about it!! Stop THINKING about it!! Don't DWELL on it!! Gads!

> If you do, you act like it's REAL or something.

>

> And I buy into that easily because that coping skill has also been

> my " skill of choice " and still is - until life puts me in one of

> these situations in which it says _ " Nope - you are not using THAT one

> this time. You can run but you can't hide!! " How many times I wish

> that one WOULD work for me this time. Just get busy - occupy myself -

> forget all about it - look up every month or two and say " Hmmm - I'm

> still here - and it's still here - better get extra busy. " Damn! That

> just won't work this time.

>

> My dad DID have his ways. One of them was " going for a ride. " I

> didn't understand it as a child. I do now. Whoever was being picked

> on was invited to " go for a ride. " - wherever Dad was going -

> somewhere to get something - or just around the farm. I remember a

> particular time when my sisters and cousin were picking on me. Dad

> came up and said - " Come on - let's go for a ride " I thought I was in

> trouble. But he made me go. I kept waiting for him to say something -

> about how bad I was - but he didn't. Never said a word about IT. He

> took me along with him and then took me to town and bought me a bag

> of penny candy. He also told my sisters I didn't have to share it

> unless I wanted to. NOW I know that my Dad, in his ultimate wisdom

> did what he could to remove me from the immediate situation and then,

> when I returned, assure that I had the power I needed. You wouldn't

> believe how popular you suddenly become with a bag full of penny

> candy you don't have to share. I love him for doing that.

>

> " Going for a ride " is still a tool my Dad uses. When I broke up with

> a boyfriend several years back Dad invited me to go " for a ride. " I

> rode along with him as he went about his business and we had lunch.

> But not a word was mentioned about my boyfriend or the break up by

> either my father or I. I knew he was supporting me in the way he knew

> how - but we don't talk about " those things. "

>

> One time, when my son was about 6 or 7, I was really upset with him.

> Why? Because my mother asked if he wanted to play a game and he

> said " No. " (His honest answer - " No. I don't want to play a game. " )

> But I was agitated seeing my Mom go around in her " silent snit " about

> it. So I was yelling at my son " Why don't you just PLAY with

> GRANDMA!! She WANTS you to PLAY!!! " (Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - poor kid)

> About that time my Dad walked in the house and said to my son " Come

> on - let's go for a ride. " Oh My Gosh!!! My son, of course - didn't

> want to go... thinking HE was in trouble (My Dad always says that

> kind of sternly). But by that time in my life I understood the silent

> meaning of Dad's ride invitations. I was devastated! It was as if Dad

> had pointed his finger right at me and said " You are wrong!!! " Leave

> the kid alone! " I could suddenly see exactly what I was doing to my

> son and felt ashamed that I had treated him so badly that my Dad felt

> compelled to take him for " a ride " to get him away from me.

>

> My sisters and I now joke about " going for a ride " with Dad. My

> oldest sister, who lives away, still says she wishes she was closer

> so she could go " for rides " again. But as children we didn't

> understand... and in fact, often thought in some way we are in

> trouble - that we were the one that was " wrong " though he never said

> anything - because we don't talk about " those things. "

>

> It seems ungrateful to complain, as I know in my heart that my Dad

> did the best he could. But now that I find that somehow there is

> something deep inside me that grieves.. that we didn't talk

> about " those things " ... that my reality wasn't validated.. that I was

> left with the impression that I could not express what was within me

> to the person who meant the most to me. .. and was left with the

> imporession that it was I who had done something wrong. I was left

> with the impression that there was something about ME that made

> people (my mother) incredibly angry - and whatever that something

> was, it was so horrid it couldn't even be mentioned... let alone

> talked about.

>

> I know there is more, because of the deepness of the pain, and

> because of how hard it is for me to touch it and heal it. And I am re-

> visiting the whole experience with my current relationship - with the

> something within me (my neediness and pain) making my b/f incredibly

> angry - enough to rage and then shut me out (my Mom) but we can't

> even talk about it - let's just pretend it is not happening - there

> is NOTHING wrong (my Dad) WOW! Lightbulb time!! B/F plays two roles

> here (BP & Non) Damn! The only thing I'm missing is the going for " a

> ride " part.

>

> For now - all I can do is encorage those of you with children to talk

> about " those things. " I'm not saying to unleash all your own turmoil

> and confusion on them. I'm saying - Don't just " take them for " a

> ride. " TELL them - " YOU didn't do ANYTHING wrong. YOU didn't make

> your Mom/Dad mad - they are just mad.. mad at themselves. " TELL them

> what they NEED to hear - and let them tell YOU what they NEED to say.

>

> I wish you well.

>

> Post in Welcome to Oz - Good Christian Women

>

>

> Again, now that my " adult child of a BP mother " is coming out - I do

> wonder about the effects of the GCW club on the children of BP

> mothers. The mixed messages can be crazy making stuff.

>

> I remember my mother sending me to church camp the summer after the

> third grade. What would that make me? 8 - 9 years old? Something like

> that. Anyway - she told me that they would try to baptize me there

> but I couldn't let them.

>

> So night after night I sat there at camp fire hearing preachers tell

> me that if I died tonight and was not baptized I would go to hell. So

> I struggled with the dilemma - Would I rather take a chance on going

> to hell? Or making my mother mad? Who would I rather tick off - God

> or my mom?

>

> Forsake all others? Does God know MY mother? He would expect ME to

> forsake HER just to stay out of hell? How unfair!

>

> I do remember once again having the impression that if I got baptized

> I would have to find somewhere else to live. I guess that was either

> a spoken or unspoken message of what would happen to you if you

> went " too far " in not obeying my mother. One strike - you're out!

>

> Also interesting is the fact that I don't remember having the feeling

> that I would have NO WHERE to go - just that I would kind of be on my

> own to find that place. Hmmm... maybe my mother is right - I

> didn't " need " anybody - not even as a tiny child. Again, for some

> reason it did not occur to me that I should ask my Dad to assist me.

>

> So - back to the story - When forced to choose between God and my

> mother I chose my mother. I was kind of hoping God would understand..

> take me " for a ride " maybe - act like it didn't happen - like I

> didn't refuse to " forsake my mother " and get baptized.

>

> I also remember having horrible dreams one night. And I really

> thought I was going to die that night and go to hell because I wasn't

> baptized. I was crying so hard. And who was there to comfort me? My

> mother. Well, I think the whole family kind of got shook up. They

> mostly tried to convince me that I wasn't go to die. They did not

> really understand the terror I was in - but did not try to make it

> worse. I thank them for that. I imagine it is hard to calm someone

> down when they think they are going to hell - for REAL - RIGHT NOW. I

> didn't get permission to get baptized either. So I made sure I didn't

> sleep much at night...Didn't think I would die if I stayed awake.

>

> It is actually still a running " joke " in the family. Though we don't

> seem to talk about " those things " - this seems to come up every so

> often - Remember the time J thought she was going to die and go to

> hell? Ha ha ha.

>

> I did get permission to get baptized when I was 12 (old enough) and I

> rushed up the Sunday after my birthday to assure I got a seat saved

> in heaven.. but I still felt kind of " tainted " for making God wait so

> long - for not putting him before my mother.

>

> It took a long time before I felt I was in God's hands instead of

> under his thumb.

>

> Watch out for " Good Christian Women. "

>