Re: What do I tell my cousin?

[Guest guest]

I have one person in my FOO I'm close to. Or even in contact with, for that

matter--I call her " Sister Cousin. " We are close because of a conversation we

started 15 years ago. One of us admitted something less-than-perfect growing

up, and the other got wide-eyed and said: " You, too?????!!! " Turns out, we

grew up in the same household 20 miles apart. Her mom is BPD, too.

Having said that, I would suggest erring on the side of caution with how much

you share. Since you are brand new to the knowledge gained in UTBM, I would

give yourself some time before talking about it with biological family. You

always run the risk of being invalidated, even from the more caring relatives.

People's normal, natural responses are well-meaning but hurtful. " Oh, nobody's

mother is perfect. " Or, " your mother is a saint! " Or, " you know, relationships

can be tough, but if you learn to forgive and work harder, you can have a great

relationship with your mother. " Or, " I used to have problems with my mother,

but I fixed myself and that's all behind me. " Or, " you're wrong to look at the

past--my mother used to beat me but now I look look ahead and I'm not affected

whatsoever. Let's order another scotch. " Or whatever.

When this stuff comes up, I just try to be vague. " Oh, my mother's fine. Can

you believe this weather? "

Hope this helps--put yourself first.

Blessings,

Karla

Right now? I'm not sure

>

> I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of the

few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw her I

told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to force

me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive and I

mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my childhood,

although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

>

> I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ,

after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and going on

medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this. During our

last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very concerned with

appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She was very

supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was growing

up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not sure

how she will react to that.

>

> How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

>

>

[Guest guest]

unfortunately, my close family is just as bad as my mother. I wouldn't dream of

it.

But it sounds like your cousin is different and someone you can confide in.

Maybe test the waters first to see how she responds to you after all you've

already revealed to her. Don't bring it up, perhaps, unless she asks.

By the time you get this, you'll probably already have met with her. I hope it

went well.

>

> I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of the

few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw her I

told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to force

me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive and I

mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my childhood,

although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

>

> I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ,

after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and going on

medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this. During our

last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very concerned with

appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She was very

supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was growing

up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not sure

how she will react to that.

>

> How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Very similar story here... I am the only one who has any contact with 2 of my

cousins because nada has poisoned the entire family toward them ( " they've

betrayed the family " - only because they had the audacity to stand up to her!).

If you trust your cousin, confide. It's good to have an advocate- someone to

talk to who understands some of the situation. If not, then it might not be

worth the risk. I have talked to my own cousins about it because we have

nothing to lose.

Especially with a nada who is high on appearance- if word gets out that you are

starting to talk about the past, most likely, she will deny it. BPDs have such

an unhealthy, uncanny way of making US seem crazy and themselves " practically

perfect in every way. "

Good luck... just use discernment and wisdom.

skysearch

>

> I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of the

few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw her I

told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to force

me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive and I

mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my childhood,

although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

>

> I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ,

after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and going on

medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this. During our

last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very concerned with

appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She was very

supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was growing

up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not sure

how she will react to that.

>

> How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had the EXACT same situation!! I re-established contact with my cousns that I

was estranged from my whole life because, according to my nada, they " never

loved me or wanted me in their life " . After going NC with my nada and

discovering she is BPD through therapy and research, I opened up to them and now

we are as close as ever.

The horrible thing about what our nada's did to us isnot trust our instincts and

think people have malicious intentions. I can safely say that this is untrue.

She is your cousin. She probably misses you as much as you miss her. True, i

would feel her out but if you would like to open up to her about your nada, go

for it. If she invalidates you, then you know where you stand.

hope it works out for you.

AJ

>

> I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of the

few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw her I

told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to force

me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive and I

mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my childhood,

although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

>

> I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ,

after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and going on

medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this. During our

last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very concerned with

appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She was very

supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was growing

up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not sure

how she will react to that.

>

> How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your advice,

I felt my cousin out and the conversation went so so. She did start with the, I

think most of these issues are cultural differences (although she knows many of

the crazy details), so I countered with, well yes maybe, but drug addiction and

several suicide attempts are not cultural issues. I could tell that a large part

of her believed that my nada is crazy but that she felt weird giving me

permission to " give up " on my family. We ended with her saying that she thought

it was good I was standing up for my choices and that she thought NC from nada

was just her testing the waters. I said it's possible, but my goals in life are

to be happy and successful and nada's acceptance is irrelevant. At least she

didn't invalidate what I was saying, but I don't think she understands the

extent of mental illness. She kept reverting to, " things might get better, you

never know " . Which might be an acceptable response from a layperson, but she is

a physician and should really know better. I'm going to try to not discuss this

with her in the future and maybe she'll come around and realize nada is crazy.

But as with everything- I'm not holding my breath.

> >

> > I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of

the few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw

her I told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to

force me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive

and I mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my

childhood, although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

> >

> > I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ,

after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and going on

medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this. During our

last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very concerned with

appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She was very

supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was growing

up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not sure

how she will react to that.

> >

> > How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, it occurs to me that your cousin might have been so hedging in her

responses because she worries that you have given up hope on your mother. And as

a " normal, " she can imagine how painful that would be for a person, I suspect.

What the " normals " don't know -- and I mean really don't " get " -- is that the

abuse is penetrating and pervades every aspect of life. That it's utterly toxic,

and that interacting with BPDs is more painful, excruciating, horrible, than

anything that the " normals " have within their context of existence.

Perhaps your cousin can have the benefit of the doubt, for now, but since she

lacks enough context to participate in a meaningful conversation about it.

I guess that's what we are here for, and other survivors you may know.

Hug hug hug hug hugs,

Tina

> > >

> > > I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one of

the few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I saw

her I told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted to

force me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive

and I mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my

childhood, although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

> > >

> > > I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " , after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and

going on medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this.

During our last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very

concerned with appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She

was very supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was

growing up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not

sure how she will react to that.

> > >

> > > How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Tina,

That's a very good way of putting it. I definitely think my cousin was worried

about me giving up hope. It's unfortunate because I do feel what you say- that

she lacks the context to understand what NC provides. I don't anticipate that

she will ever get context so I'm not too hopeful of her understanding my

situation in the future. It does suck to not even have extended relatives who

understand but at least I have you guys and some great friends!

> > > >

> > > > I'm having brunch tomorrow with a close cousin who will probably be one

of the few family members I will continue to have in my life. The last time I

saw her I told her how bad things had gotten with my family because they wanted

to force me back into a career I didn't want to go into. She was very supportive

and I mentioned some of the *really* crazy stuff that went on during my

childhood, although at that point I hadn't put together that nada was bpd.

> > > >

> > > > I'm seeing her now after having read " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " , after going LC and now NC, after getting into intensive therapy and

going on medication. I'm not sure how much/what to tell her about all of this.

During our last conversation she was floored by everything. Nada is very

concerned with appearances and she had no idea those things were going on. She

was very supportive although I know that she looked up to my nada while she was

growing up. The issue I'm most worried about is explaining LC/NC to her. I'm not

sure how she will react to that.

> > > >

> > > > How have you all approached this with close family? I would love any

suggestions!

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>