Re: Teasing versus belittling

[Guest guest]

I recently had a light bulb moment about this very thing. I went to my regular

Starbucks one day, for the 2nd time, maybe only 2 hours after I went the first

time.

The woman behind the counter asked me if I was there earlier, and I said no.

She got a curious look and said, " are you teasing me? " and I smiled and said

yes. I hadn't really heard the word teasing used that way. I was just pulling

her leg, but not in a demeaning way. I thought, " AHA! That's what gentle

teasing really is. " It's not pointing out flaws or treating someone like

they're dumb, or being hurtful.

There's a difference.

Deanna

>

> This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

> I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

> them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond normal

> teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

> did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

> And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

> sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

> belittling me.

>

> And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

> even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

> does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

> I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

> probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

> me crazy.

>

> I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

> personality and my feelings.

>

> I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

> daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

> funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to be

> very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

> laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

> him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

> a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

> either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

> sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

> One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

> genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If it is intended to hurt someone, it isn't teasing. It is

belittling, bullying or some other form of verbal abuse. Some of

the things that I've seen and heard of being passed off as

" teasing " have been downright cruel and not at all funny.

Sometimes well-intentioned people make mistakes and their

attempts at teasing don't turn out as they intended, but people

who continue to " tease " when it is clear that they're hurting

someone are being abusive. Your family should definitely be able

to tell the difference between good-hearted teasing and hurtful

verbal abuse. Your friends should figure it out fairly quickly

too, even if you are really sensitive.

At 03:32 PM 06/25/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

>thinking. Maybe

>I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

>(both of

>them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

>way beyond normal

>teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

>cute things I

>did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

>And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

>not the 'poor

>sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

>was flat out

>belittling me.

>

>And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

>towards me

>even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

>out if someone

>does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

>I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

>(who is

>probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

>NOW. It drives

>me crazy.

>

>I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

>INSENSITIVE to my

>personality and my feelings.

>

>I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

>personalities. My

>daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

>does something

>funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

>cry. We have to be

>very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

>if you

>laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

>until someone tells

>him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

>12 and he's

>a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

>teased

>either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

>try to be

>sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

>One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

>personalities...our

>genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

>Any thoughts?

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Every person knows, from a very young age, when they are being humiliated, when

they are the butt of a cruel joke, or when someone is attacking them and putting

them down and trying to cause them pain--regardless of the " cute " smile on their

face.

My nada used to level me with the most cruel " zings " smiling all the while and

giggling with her audience. And they were genuinely intimate and personal

attacks meant to shut me down emotionally and harm me. I couldn't say anything

in my defense, either.

I tease my sons. Teasing means fun joking laughter stuff, like " Dude, are you

he-man now? I can't believe how big you are! " or " Here are the keys,

11-year-old son. I'm tired. Can you drive? " " My goodness you're handsome! Do

I need to protect you at school from those girls? "

If I ever misjudge and tease too much, I know it RIGHT AWAY. Their face falls

and I feel horrible. I trip over myself to apologize and tell them I was wrong

and find out how to make it up to them. And, oh yeah--that's happened about 3

times in their whole lives.

You are dead-on right with this insight!!!

>

> This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

> I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

> them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond normal

> teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

> did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

> And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

> sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

> belittling me.

>

> And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

> even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

> does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

> I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

> probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

> me crazy.

>

> I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

> personality and my feelings.

>

> I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

> daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

> funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to be

> very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

> laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

> him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

> a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

> either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

> sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

> One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

> genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You all have some really good points. I always thought it was me. I was

always told that I was " overly sensitive " or " being ridiculous " and then

laughed at for being offended when they would belittle me in some way.

The last time my dad was here, he did it to me in front of his wife. We

were in his car, me, him, and his wife. We were just driving up to the grocery

store and he commented that I had " wrecked every car I ever owned. "

Which is true, lol, and had he left it at that it would have been fine. Then

he goes on... " do you remember the time you wrecked my pickup? " Yes, dad.

" Then you lied to everybody (laughing now) and claimed you didn't. "

Whatever dad.

I was 16. I thought I was in trouble. Yes, I lied. I was a kid and I was

trying to get out of trouble...let.it.go. Then he follows with, " you lied

when the truth suited you better. "

OMG, really?

And then his stupid wife sits there with a grin on her face.

In a message dated 6/25/2010 7:53:28 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

kk1raven@... writes:

If it is intended to hurt someone, it isn't teasing. It is

belittling, bullying or some other form of verbal abuse. Some of

the things that I've seen and heard of being passed off as

" teasing " have been downright cruel and not at all funny.

Sometimes well-intentioned people make mistakes and their

attempts at teasing don't turn out as they intended, but people

who continue to " tease " when it is clear that they're hurting

someone are being abusive. Your family should definitely be able

to tell the difference between good-hearted teasing and hurtful

verbal abuse. Your friends should figure it out fairly quickly

too, even if you are really sensitive.

At 03:32 PM 06/25/2010 _Hummingbird1298@..._

(mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) wrote:

>This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

>thinking. Maybe

>I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

>(both of

>them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

>way beyond normal

>teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

>cute things I

>did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

>And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

>not the 'poor

>sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

>was flat out

>belittling me.

>

>And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

>towards me

>even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

>out if someone

>does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

>I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

>(who is

>probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

>NOW. It drives

>me crazy.

>

>I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

>INSENSITIVE to my

>personality and my feelings.

>

>I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

>personalities. My

>daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

>does something

>funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

>cry. We have to be

>very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

>if you

>laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

>until someone tells

>him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

>12 and he's

>a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

>teased

>either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

>try to be

>sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

>One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

>personalities...our

>genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

>Any thoughts?

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

,

Maybe you are overly sensitive, but you know what? It doesn't

matter. If people who know you well enough to know that continue

to " tease " in a way that hurts you, than it isn't teasing. What

you just described doesn't sound like teasing to me. It sounds

like holding onto a " wrong " and rubbing it in years later.

That's something my nada is an expert at.

At 07:54 AM 06/26/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>You all have some really good points. I always thought it was

>me. I was

>always told that I was " overly sensitive " or " being ridiculous "

>and then

>laughed at for being offended when they would belittle me in

>some way.

>

>The last time my dad was here, he did it to me in front of his

>wife. We

>were in his car, me, him, and his wife. We were just driving up

>to the grocery

> store and he commented that I had " wrecked every car I ever

> owned. "

>Which is true, lol, and had he left it at that it would have

>been fine. Then

>he goes on... " do you remember the time you wrecked my

>pickup? " Yes, dad.

> " Then you lied to everybody (laughing now) and claimed

>you didn't. "

>Whatever dad.

>

>I was 16. I thought I was in trouble. Yes, I lied. I was a kid

>and I was

>trying to get out of trouble...let.it.go. Then he follows with,

> " you lied

>when the truth suited you better. "

>

>OMG, really?

>And then his stupid wife sits there with a grin on her face.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Parenting brought a whole knew meaning of life to me. I am more aware of how I

was treated than ever before. The one rule of thumb I use to know I am doing

okay is to NEVER do things or say things that made me uncomfortable in any way.

Teasing is kind of a stickler with me. And my daughter (she's almost 10) has a

personality much like I had....and to be honest, I can't even imagine her in my

childhood for 5 minutes, let alone an entire childhood. My therapist has had me

talk about that and envisioning it just makes me want to run in and rescue her.

My dad was basically a follower of my mother. He knew nothing of parenting so he

just went with whatever she did...and she was severely BPD. He was clueless. So

now, even though she's dead, he just carries it on. And if I confront him (which

I have) and say, " Can you stop ridiculing me for everything? " He'll laugh and

tell me to stop being so sensitive. Ugh.

My sister does it to me too. She lives in Florida, I live in Georgia. She came

to visit and it was my son's birthday. She took it upon herself to tell a group

of my friends (who had kids at my son's parties) all of the stupid things I did

as a child. Fortunately for me, my friends thought my sister was a nutcase.

Re: Teasing versus belittling

Every person knows, from a very young age, when they are being humiliated, when

they are the butt of a cruel joke, or when someone is attacking them and putting

them down and trying to cause them pain--regardless of the " cute " smile on their

face.

My nada used to level me with the most cruel " zings " smiling all the while and

giggling with her audience. And they were genuinely intimate and personal

attacks meant to shut me down emotionally and harm me. I couldn't say anything

in my defense, either.

I tease my sons. Teasing means fun joking laughter stuff, like " Dude, are you

he-man now? I can't believe how big you are! " or " Here are the keys, 11-year-old

son. I'm tired. Can you drive? " " My goodness you're handsome! Do I need to

protect you at school from those girls? "

If I ever misjudge and tease too much, I know it RIGHT AWAY. Their face falls

and I feel horrible. I trip over myself to apologize and tell them I was wrong

and find out how to make it up to them. And, oh yeah--that's happened about 3

times in their whole lives.

You are dead-on right with this insight!!!

>

> This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

> I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

> them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond normal

> teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

> did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

> And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

> sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

> belittling me.

>

> And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

> even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

> does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

> I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

> probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

> me crazy.

>

> I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

> personality and my feelings.

>

> I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

> daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

> funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to be

> very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

> laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

> him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

> a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

> either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

> sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

> One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

> genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Something I have noticed about my nada, as I have gotten older, is that she

ignores social cues (at least with her immediate family). When someone clearly

doesn't want to talk about something, or is hurt by her words or demeanor, she

just steamrollers over them. Of course, I learned to do the same thing. It has

taken years for me to learn how NOT to do that. And when it comes to children?

They fare the worst with her, because for some reason, their feelings don't

matter for shit with her. I notice my brother does the same thing with me and

with his children.

YAY for me that I've learned better if for no other reason than I don't want to

go around hurting people!

Deanna

>

> This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

> I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

> them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond normal

> teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

> did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

>

> And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

> sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

> belittling me.

>

> And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

> even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

> does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

>

> I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

> probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

> me crazy.

>

> I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

> personality and my feelings.

>

> I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

> daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

> funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to be

> very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

> laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

> him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

> a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

> either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

> sensitive to their particular personalities.

>

> One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

> genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This thread brings up memories of a former neighbor. She wasn't bpd,

just a b*tch.

She would say something as a joke or with a smile and little laugh and

later that was really just disguised nastiness or hostility. She did

it to everyone she was around - even DD's friends commented on this.

And she didn't understand when we moved out of the condo and into a

house why we completely cut her off. Lol.

She was pretty creepy - stalked us. We kept seeing her driving last.

Sent from my blueberry.

> You all have some really good points. I always thought it was me. I

> was

> always told that I was " overly sensitive " or " being ridiculous " and

> then

> laughed at for being offended when they would belittle me in some way.

>

> The last time my dad was here, he did it to me in front of his wife.

> We

> were in his car, me, him, and his wife. We were just driving up to

> the grocery

> store and he commented that I had " wrecked every car I ever owned. "

> Which is true, lol, and had he left it at that it would have been

> fine. Then

> he goes on... " do you remember the time you wrecked my pickup? " Yes,

> dad.

> " Then you lied to everybody (laughing now) and claimed you didn't. "

> Whatever dad.

>

> I was 16. I thought I was in trouble. Yes, I lied. I was a kid and I

> was

> trying to get out of trouble...let.it.go. Then he follows with, " you

> lied

> when the truth suited you better. "

>

> OMG, really?

> And then his stupid wife sits there with a grin on her face.

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 6/25/2010 7:53:28 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> kk1raven@... writes:

>

> If it is intended to hurt someone, it isn't teasing. It is

> belittling, bullying or some other form of verbal abuse. Some of

> the things that I've seen and heard of being passed off as

> " teasing " have been downright cruel and not at all funny.

>

> Sometimes well-intentioned people make mistakes and their

> attempts at teasing don't turn out as they intended, but people

> who continue to " tease " when it is clear that they're hurting

> someone are being abusive. Your family should definitely be able

> to tell the difference between good-hearted teasing and hurtful

> verbal abuse. Your friends should figure it out fairly quickly

> too, even if you are really sensitive.

>

> At 03:32 PM 06/25/2010 _Hummingbird1298@..._

> (mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) wrote:

> >This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

> >thinking. Maybe

> >I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

> >(both of

> >them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

> >way beyond normal

> >teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

> >cute things I

> >did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

> >

> >And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

> >not the 'poor

> >sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

> >was flat out

> >belittling me.

> >

> >And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

> >towards me

> >even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

> >out if someone

> >does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

> >

> >I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

> >(who is

> >probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

> >NOW. It drives

> >me crazy.

> >

> >I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

> >INSENSITIVE to my

> >personality and my feelings.

> >

> >I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

> >personalities. My

> >daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

> >does something

> >funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

> >cry. We have to be

> >very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

> >if you

> >laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

> >until someone tells

> >him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

> >12 and he's

> >a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

> >teased

> >either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

> >try to be

> >sensitive to their particular personalities.

> >

> >One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

> >personalities...our

> >genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

> >

> >Any thoughts?

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

[Guest guest]

OOOOOOH! I hated that!!!

That whole stupid thing about re-hashing everything I did growing up is cause

for my humiliation.

" Do you remember when you ate cake all the time and got fat? "

Yeah . . .I was 11, toying with an eating disorder, and desperately trying to

fill the void left by your neglect and insanity and abuse. I gained some weight

that lasted less than a year.

" There was that one time you wet yourself . . . " As though I did it yesterday

as a 43-year-old. I was four, and I've since learned that four year olds have

accidents.

The message is clearly: you should be embarrassed about every single thing you

did, even though it was a natural, normal part of your age at the time. Its all

designed to embarrass, belittle, put down, humiliate, degrade and insult.

They remember detailed stories about " horrible " things I did that I have

completely forgotten about. ly, I'm stunned all of that is so important to

them. Is it that big of a deal what I wore as a costume at Halloween when I was

8?

Stranger still that they don't remember my birthday or ANY success I've ever

had.

Jerks.

> >This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

> >thinking. Maybe

> >I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

> >(both of

> >them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

> >way beyond normal

> >teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

> >cute things I

> >did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

> >

> >And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

> >not the 'poor

> >sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

> >was flat out

> >belittling me.

> >

> >And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

> >towards me

> >even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

> >out if someone

> >does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

> >

> >I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

> >(who is

> >probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

> >NOW. It drives

> >me crazy.

> >

> >I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

> >INSENSITIVE to my

> >personality and my feelings.

> >

> >I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

> >personalities. My

> >daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

> >does something

> >funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

> >cry. We have to be

> >very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

> >if you

> >laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

> >until someone tells

> >him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

> >12 and he's

> >a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

> >teased

> >either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

> >try to be

> >sensitive to their particular personalities.

> >

> >One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

> >personalities...our

> >genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

> >

> >Any thoughts?

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It helps knowing other people went through this, but at the same time is hard to

read.

I did something I am very ashamed of as a late teen, early adult. I don't think

I've ever talked about it here before.

But I desperately wanted a real mother for so long and I met this woman from

church. She told me God wanted

her to be my spiritual mother. Anyway, long story short, I ended lying to her

really bad. I told her my parents

were satanists and I couldn't go home with them because they'd abuse me. None of

it was true, of course. Instead

of getting the love and acceptance I was really searching for, it scared the

woman and she kicked me out of her house.

I was devastated. It was in the late 80's,. early 90's when people were freaking

out over satanic cults and stuff.

I was sexually abused by an uncle, but my parents were just verbally abusive and

neglectful (not to minimize it). I was

severely anorexic and cutting myself....I was just a big twisted mess screaming

for attention.

Anyway, I was about 18 years old and my parents found out what I had told this

woman and never let me live it down.

To my knowledge, this woman still thinks my parents were in a cult.

My dad brings it up, " remember how you lied about us? " as much as my mother did.

My therapist agrees I was just looking for love, but she has so far been the

only person who understood what I did.

My parents never could grasp their role in that and understand that I was only

acting out how I had been treated.

I still regret it even 20 years later.

Re: Teasing versus belittling

OOOOOOH! I hated that!!!

That whole stupid thing about re-hashing everything I did growing up is cause

for my humiliation.

" Do you remember when you ate cake all the time and got fat? "

Yeah . . .I was 11, toying with an eating disorder, and desperately trying to

fill the void left by your neglect and insanity and abuse. I gained some weight

that lasted less than a year.

" There was that one time you wet yourself . . . " As though I did it yesterday as

a 43-year-old. I was four, and I've since learned that four year olds have

accidents.

The message is clearly: you should be embarrassed about every single thing you

did, even though it was a natural, normal part of your age at the time. Its all

designed to embarrass, belittle, put down, humiliate, degrade and insult.

They remember detailed stories about " horrible " things I did that I have

completely forgotten about. ly, I'm stunned all of that is so important to

them. Is it that big of a deal what I wore as a costume at Halloween when I was

8?

Stranger still that they don't remember my birthday or ANY success I've ever

had.

Jerks.

> >This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

> >thinking. Maybe

> >I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

> >(both of

> >them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

> >way beyond normal

> >teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

> >cute things I

> >did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

> >

> >And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

> >not the 'poor

> >sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

> >was flat out

> >belittling me.

> >

> >And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

> >towards me

> >even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

> >out if someone

> >does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

> >

> >I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

> >(who is

> >probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

> >NOW. It drives

> >me crazy.

> >

> >I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

> >INSENSITIVE to my

> >personality and my feelings.

> >

> >I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

> >personalities. My

> >daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

> >does something

> >funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

> >cry. We have to be

> >very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

> >if you

> >laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

> >until someone tells

> >him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

> >12 and he's

> >a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

> >teased

> >either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

> >try to be

> >sensitive to their particular personalities.

> >

> >One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

> >personalities...our

> >genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

> >

> >Any thoughts?

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I totally agree with you, ...when I was 12 I wanted my ears

pierced...after the first one, I almost passed out. That has been a

standing " joke " about me ever since...it doesn't matter that I stood for

1/2 hour waiting on the vet with my hand all blood covered and up inside the

neighbors horses chest because she was impaled on a fence post and the

owner was too squeamish to help the poor horse...it doesn't matter that

I've watched the vet do surgery on this horse, my own horses, my dogs, my

cats...nada found out I have to have knee replacement surgery, and she told

my sister I will never survive it because I will pass out every time I see

the incision !! then laughed !! HELLO ??? I've grown up, seen and done

lots of things in my life !! Much more than nada ever did !!

Jackie

This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond

normal

teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

belittling me.

And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

me crazy.

I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

personality and my feelings.

I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to

be

very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

sensitive to their particular personalities.

One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

Any thoughts?

[Guest guest]

yes, I get that too..and I'm 51 !! " remember when you used to twirl your

hair and pull it out?? we tried all kinds of punishments to get you to

stop..I thought you'd be bald as an adult " yeah, it's called a cry for help

!!! I was in the 1st grade !!

Jackie

OOOOOOH! I hated that!!!

That whole stupid thing about re-hashing everything I did growing up is

cause for my humiliation.

" Do you remember when you ate cake all the time and got fat? "

Yeah . . .I was 11, toying with an eating disorder, and desperately trying

to fill the void left by your neglect and insanity and abuse. I gained some

weight that lasted less than a year.

" There was that one time you wet yourself . . . " As though I did it

yesterday as a 43-year-old. I was four, and I've since learned that four

year olds have accidents.

The message is clearly: you should be embarrassed about every single thing

you did, even though it was a natural, normal part of your age at the time.

Its all designed to embarrass, belittle, put down, humiliate, degrade and

insult.

They remember detailed stories about " horrible " things I did that I have

completely forgotten about. ly, I'm stunned all of that is so

important to them. Is it that big of a deal what I wore as a costume at

Halloween when I was 8?

Stranger still that they don't remember my birthday or ANY success I've ever

had.

Jerks.

[Guest guest]

I definitely resonate with being called " too sensitive. " I admit, I am

definitely sensitive about things... but sometimes I wonder if it's just the

wounds. A wound will hurt if there's always a finger being poked in it.

When I met my husband-to-be, he told me that he would never be sarcastic and

that is a rule that we have abided by with our children. Because, sarcasm

always has a hint of truth behind it. It's almost always a passive-aggressive

jab (which BPDs are so good at). So good for you- keep healing...

skysearch

> >

> > This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and thinking. Maybe

> > I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents (both of

> > them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's way beyond

normal

> > teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about cute things I

> > did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

> >

> > And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was not the 'poor

> > sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It was flat out

> > belittling me.

> >

> > And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes towards me

> > even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak out if someone

> > does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

> >

> > I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father (who is

> > probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN NOW. It drives

> > me crazy.

> >

> > I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were INSENSITIVE to my

> > personality and my feelings.

> >

> > I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different personalities. My

> > daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she does something

> > funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will cry. We have to

be

> > very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact, if you

> > laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum until someone

tells

> > him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is 12 and he's

> > a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being teased

> > either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I try to be

> > sensitive to their particular personalities.

> >

> > One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or personalities...our

> > genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

> >

> > Any thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

((((((((()))))))))))

I completely understand why you lied. Who among us wouldn't lie in a desperate

attempt for survival? You have no judgement from me. Only sadness. I am so

sorry you had to live through such desperation.

How cruelly BP to throw something like that in your face. And how horrible the

woman you trusted--the one who said " God told me . . . " turned on you so

quickly. If she actually thought that was true, she should have been alarmed

for you wellbeing and cared for you doubly. Instead, you were rejected and

abandoned one more time.

That makes me so sad for you. You deserved far, far better. And SOMEONE in

that situation should have seen you and cared for you. Instead, they gave you

nothing. The only judgement I have in my heart goes to THEM!!!

I hope you can soon release yourself from their guilt. That's theirs to carry.

Not yours.

Blessings,

Karla

> > >This just hit me today as I was cleaning the bathroom and

> > >thinking. Maybe

> > >I'm a slow learner, but I have always hated the way my parents

> > >(both of

> > >them) " tease " me about things I did or said as a child. It's

> > >way beyond normal

> > >teasing for cute things kids say because it was never about

> > >cute things I

> > >did or said, it was always about WEIRD things or BAD things.

> > >

> > >And it hit me that this is not teasing in good fun and I was

> > >not the 'poor

> > >sport' or " too sensitive " child my parents claimed I was. It

> > >was flat out

> > >belittling me.

> > >

> > >And even today, I am overly sensitive to people making jokes

> > >towards me

> > >even when it IS in good fun. I get pissed off and will freak

> > >out if someone

> > >does it. It bothers me SO MUCH.

> > >

> > >I'm an adult now and you'd think I could take it, but my father

> > >(who is

> > >probably bpd too) does exactly what my mother used to do EVEN

> > >NOW. It drives

> > >me crazy.

> > >

> > >I don't think I was overly sensitive. I think they were

> > >INSENSITIVE to my

> > >personality and my feelings.

> > >

> > >I have 3 kids and all 3 of them have very different

> > >personalities. My

> > >daughter does not like to be teased in ANY way...even if she

> > >does something

> > >funny, if she doesn't mean it funny and you laugh, she will

> > >cry. We have to be

> > >very careful about it. My 8 year old? He doesn't care. In fact,

> > >if you

> > >laugh at something he does, he'll just repeat it ad nauseum

> > >until someone tells

> > >him, " okay, not cute anymore...please stop! " My oldest son is

> > >12 and he's

> > >a little more like my daughter in that he doesn't like being

> > >teased

> > >either. Not that we're all stick-in-the-muds as parents, but I

> > >try to be

> > >sensitive to their particular personalities.

> > >

> > >One thing nadas do is never consider our feelings or

> > >personalities...our

> > >genetic makeup...as being different and unique.

> > >

> > >Any thoughts?

> > >

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

gah, I remember my mother once told my I said dreadlocks were not attractive,

when I was like 14. She told me this when I was in my late twenties and put

dreads in my hair. I was astounded she remembered, didn't remember saying it,

and shocked she would remember something like that.

She gets a kick out of contradicting just about everyting I say. literally

everything lately. it drives me freaking insane. the sky is green, the grass is

blue.

>

> yes, I get that too..and I'm 51 !! " remember when you used to twirl your

> hair and pull it out?? we tried all kinds of punishments to get you to

> stop..I thought you'd be bald as an adult " yeah, it's called a cry for help

> !!! I was in the 1st grade !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> OOOOOOH! I hated that!!!

>

> That whole stupid thing about re-hashing everything I did growing up is

> cause for my humiliation.

>

> " Do you remember when you ate cake all the time and got fat? "

>

> Yeah . . .I was 11, toying with an eating disorder, and desperately trying

> to fill the void left by your neglect and insanity and abuse. I gained some

> weight that lasted less than a year.

>

> " There was that one time you wet yourself . . . " As though I did it

> yesterday as a 43-year-old. I was four, and I've since learned that four

> year olds have accidents.

>

> The message is clearly: you should be embarrassed about every single thing

> you did, even though it was a natural, normal part of your age at the time.

> Its all designed to embarrass, belittle, put down, humiliate, degrade and

> insult.

>

> They remember detailed stories about " horrible " things I did that I have

> completely forgotten about. ly, I'm stunned all of that is so

> important to them. Is it that big of a deal what I wore as a costume at

> Halloween when I was 8?

>

> Stranger still that they don't remember my birthday or ANY success I've ever

> had.

>

> Jerks.

>