Enmeshed

[Guest guest]

I love my mother. She was and has always been my best friend, and it took me til

last week, til when I read Surviving a Borderline Parent, Stop Walking on

Eggshells and The Family Guide to BPD that I realized that all of that closeness

was designed by her to gain information, to make her controlling me a much less

daunting task. I know that I am an adult now, that my decisions are my own and

that " I am responsible for my level of satisfaction with the interactions I

choose to have. Still, I find myself grieving, urning for the childhood I never

had, for the chances to be be silly and dirty that I never got, for the atta

girls and the hugs that I'll never get. I find myself watching my fiancé's

mother make dinner and nonchalantly ask my fiancé how his day was and the

simplicity of that interaction makes me want to cry. There was no tension, no

anger, no disappointment; only peace. I don't understand my world and my place

in it unless I am solving her chaos. I get my self worth from helping others and

solving their unsolvable problems because that was my role as a child. I

gravitate to people who need compassion and understanding without judgement

because I learned that that was what my mother needed to be " happy " . I am so

enmeshed in her world that I fear I may never climb out of the rabbit hole.

Does anyone know how to leave Wonderland?